Every bus heads full-speed toward the edge of the cliff. All but one falter, and tumble to their doom. The last one flies across the chasm, landing heavily, the passengers screaming but alive. Then we do it all again next year

New cards & stickers!

I’m pleased to announce several new additions to my store! First, two new Multi-Purpose Greeting Cards. The X8-R Congratulator (click for bigger):

And the X9-G Thanker:

I’ve decided as of this moment that all my Multi-Purpose Cards have NATO-assigned code names like fighter planes. This, of course, brings the total number of Multi-Purpose cards up to six, representing — I am not kidding — 8,710,712,524,800 possible occasions they may be pressed into service for. I did the math twice.

Suffice it to say that a dozen of these cards will surely cover a year’s worth of any occasion you might encounter:

Both the new and many existing cards are available immediately at the Wondermark Brand Dry-Goods store — as well as the new 12-pack, pictured above.

Sticker Time

Have you ever wanted to just shout “Sticker time!” at the top of your lungs? If not, you will when you see my brand-new Hyperbolic Upgrade Stickers. UPDATE: These sold out nearly instantly! But I have a re-order on the way. I’ll make noise when they’re available again.

Inspired by this comic, the Hyperbolic Upgrade Stickers are perfect for making any object, device, contrivance or whatchamacallit over 300% more important. There are eight of them in all! (Click for a closer look.)

“Wow,” you might say, “those are printed in full-color, and have strangely-shaped die-cut edges, some of ’em!” To which I reply: YES. They were printed by my friends over at Sticker Mule. Sticker Mule would like me to mention a few things about their products:

“We can create custom stickers as well as phone/device skins. We print our stickers in full color, on extra thick white vinyl with permanent adhesive. We laminate all of our stickers to prevent fading and scratching. Device skins are made from a special material from 3M, that allows for application without air bubbles and is also removable.

“All printing is done on our massive industrial digital printers (our pride and joy), instead of screen printing. This means we can do full color as well as spot colors, and at the same price (no screen charges either).

“We have no artwork requirements, and can fix artwork for free. We send free proofs with all orders. You can request changes be made, until you think your art looks perfect.

“OH YES we also ship all orders for FREE within the US, and offer international shipping as well.”

I’ve been very happy with Sticker Mule (the lids to the Machine of Death Card Sets were printed by them too) so if you’re in need of full-color and/or die-cut custom stickers, please consider Sticker Mule.

UPDATE: If you’d like a $10 credit towards your first order, visit Sticker Mule via this special promotional link.

Sticker Mule also made me some:

Removable Bumper Stickers

These are super-cool. I personally don’t want to put regular vinyl bumper stickers on my car; I don’t want to mess up the paint job, or decrease the resale value. But these bumper stickers are both totally secure and totally removable. Leave ’em on your car (or whatever) for as long as you like, without worrying that they’re stuck on there forever.

The removable bumper stickers (as well as regular vinyl versions) are available now!

Finally, I have also added some more vinyl stickers to the online store — if you haven’t visited me at a convention yet, you may not have seen all of these:

They are available singly or in discounted multi-packs, here.

I’ll have all this stuff at WonderCon this weekend in Anaheim, as well! (Booth 617, with Kris Straub.) I will also have…smiles

Verb Day 2012

Saturday I mean Sunday was March 4th, or as we know it, Verb Day! On one of the only dates that’s also an imperative, usually families and communities get together to make up new verbs. The official U.S. national verb this year was “scraddling,” defined by a ceremonial Act of Congress as:

scraddle (v): to rub a part of the body against an object in such a way as to scratch an itch

You probably saw the Chancellor of the National Verb Council make her speech calling for parents to begin using the word with their children “so that a new generation will grow up never knowing a world without the joy of scraddling,” and of course President Obama released a statement urging “Americans of every race, color, and creed to come together, scraddle against the obstacles before us, and keep America strong.”

I’m happy with scraddling — I’ll take whatever new verbs I can get, in this economy — but I’d also like to draw your attention to a verb I myself coined in 2004, when Wondermark was still pretty new:

Our research department took an informal survey of 10,032 Americans and Western Europeans, asking them a variety of questions including their emotional reaction to this news item. The survey also included “dummy” questions designed to disguise the true nature of the survey, so as to weed out “prampters”, or respondents who concoct bogus answers for sport (“prampting”).

The dummy questions included such irrelevant gems as “What criteria do you use when deciding which brand of mung beans to purchase?” and “Did ‘moral values’ play a role in deciding who you would vote for in the Presidential election?”

You may recall that ‘moral values’ was the media-cycled phrase of the hour in the Bush/Kerry election, the way ‘hope and change’ was in 2008 and ‘create jobs’ is today. So this bit was surely very funny at the time. But the point is: prampting, or to prampt.

A portmanteau of prompt and prank (and with a meaning along the lines of to prank when prompted), I’ve always liked ‘prampting’ and think it should come into wider use. I don’t know how common the actual practice of prampting is in the world, but when I consider it, I’m reminded of something that happened to me back in high school.

My two best friends and I had a nonsense sort of club or secret society, and although it didn’t do anything or serve any purpose at all besides having an elaborate, 100-move secret handshake, I loved concocting the trappings of a legitimate entity — things like business cards, letterhead, company memos and so on. We had nothing to say in the memos, but we had the letterhead if ever we needed it.

In eleventh grade we decided to pass out applications to some of our other friends, to officially initiate them into the club. It was a very elaborate application, four or five pages long as I recall, and we insisted that people fill it out fully (and then return it to one of us charter members, who would have to initial each page in colored ink to prevent forgery). It was all quite serious, and probably a bit rude because we only passed out applications to the people we liked, but whatever, it was high school.

Anyway, as we started to get applications back, I began to realize that some of the people filled out the application as a joke, putting funny answers instead of real ones. I remember, in particular, an answer given by one person whom we were keen on making an official member of the club:

Q: What do you typically eat for lunch?
A: Nothing. I am sustained by sex alone.

Not only was this answer vaguely scandalous to us dorks, we also had to deal with the issue of the application not being taken seriously. We’d gone to all this trouble to write up and pass out elaborate applications for our fake club that didn’t do anything and was all a joke, and these people didn’t stay deadpan with us. They cracked and called it out as a joke.

This sparked long, fevered internal discussions about whether we should accept this applicant into the club after this flagrant disrespect for our wholly invented and irrelevant process. Eventually, the reasoned response seemed to be to ask the applicant to redo her application, and in retrospect, this made us look even more like the biggest dorks possible. That is the power of prampting.

Have you any tales of prampting? Or, did your family make up any verbs of your own this weekend? Tell us in the comments!

Happy Imaginary Day!

(Drawing by RDCarneiro, from here)

As you know, this week we had Imaginary Day on February 30th! It’s a new holiday, so obviously our traditions and observations will be different, but as it’s a day that didn’t exist at all, who’s to say what did or didn’t happen?

What did you do on Imaginary Day? Leave a comment and let us know!

Here’s what happened on my Imaginary Day:

I woke up early, before the alarm even went off. I was perfectly rested, not tired even a little bit! I leapt out of bed and had a nutritious breakfast. I was pleased because my kitchen contained exactly the right food for me to assemble a perfect breakfast! There was one English muffin left and two eggs and just a bit of cheese and some breakfast sausage. This was satisfying, because all the packages of food were totally used up all at the same time!

Then I got a phone call from a friend. “Hello, friend,” said the friend! “I know we used to hang out for no reason, and have fun, because that is what friends do sometimes, but ever since we Grew Up and Got Jobs, we never hang out just for fun. We feel like our time is too valuable, or something. But screw that, let’s hang out!” So we did!

Me and my friend went for a walk and got some coffee and chatted, then curled up and read books. Neither of us felt like we had anything else to do today. In fact, the internet had some sort of Imaginary-Day-related Y2K problem and there were no emails to answer, nothing distracting going on, no projects calling out to be worked on. For one day — Imaginary Day — just sitting and reading was all there was to do!

After we read for a while, I went to go get a snack, but my refrigerator had become a doorway to another dimension. I opened the door, and bugs came pouring out! They filled my kitchen, seething, swarming out like a fluid, a chittering crawling wave, but I had to get through them, I had to find something on the other side. I dove into the wave, keeping my eyes firmly shut, and I swam, and kicked, and felt with my outstretched hands for anything I could use to pull myself through the tide.

It was horrifying, but it was only imaginary!

My fingers brushed something firm, and after a few seconds of straining, I was able to grasp it. It was round, like a pole, but with bumps and contours — and when I pulled against it, it moved. It bent in the center. It was the leg of a horse, and it started running. The sea of bugs was still washing over me, but I knew that wherever this horse was going to go, I had to stay with it.

I hung onto its leg as it kicked and ran and galloped away, and soon the bugs dropped off. The horse was red. It was running on a baked, featureless desert. The bugs gone, the hot desert sun hit me directly. My skin began to blister.

A crevasse opened beneath the horse, and it bucked and whinnied and tried to flee, but the crevasse had a gravity all its own. The horse was pulled in, but I let go and dropped to the ground. The heat of the desert floor wrapped around me, encasing me in a sphere that I realized, as I began to choke, was made of sand. It pressed me, stifled me, solidified around me, kept pressing and squeezing until I could feel each grain of the sand crystallize and harden into glass. I could not move, could not breathe. It became dark.

I do not know how long I sat there, silent and void, trapped in that glassy prison.

The next sound I heard was something like a chisel against stone. It was far away, a million miles perhaps, but then a bit of light came through, and I felt the glass separating, cracking like an egg. It fell away from me, and I fell to the ground, but what had been harsh desert before was my own carpet, my living room, its familiar shape a soft fielder’s glove slipped on once more after years away from the game. “I’m ready,” the real life reminded me. “I’m here.”

It was a minute after midnight, and Imaginary Day was over. My friend was no longer here. I went to get some ice cream, but I hesitated, my hand an inch from the freezer door handle.

After far too long, I wrenched it open, and in there was ice, and frozen peas, and Hot Pockets, and meat, but no ice cream. The bugs had taken it all with them.

Upcoming appearances (San Diego & Seattle!)

This weekend I’ll be in San Diego for ConDor, a friendly neighborhood sci-fi convention! I will be speaking, opining, and making enemies discussing the following:

SATURDAY, 4PM: “Synergy between Writer and Illustrator” — Kevin Gerard, Jennifer K. Fong, Laura Brodian Freas, David Malki !, Sue Dawe.

SATURDAY, 5PM: “Extemporaneous Story Telling: Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory 2” — Our panelists take elements from the audience and tell the conspiracies that interconnect them. Gradually they interweave these elements into a theory that explains EVERYTHING. David Malki !, Sherwood Smith, Chris Weber, David Ross, Mike Bocianowski.

SUNDAY, 10AM “The Making of Wondermark” — Comics created live on stage, in front of your very eyes!

SUNDAY, 11AM Autograph session in the dealer’s room.

SUNDAY, 12PM “Ebooks and the Future of Publishing” — Richard Dean Starr, John Oliver, David Malki !, Val Ontell, J. M. Perkins. (I’m moderating this one.)

SUNDAY, 1PM “What Makes a Story Steampunk?” — David Malki !, Scott Farrell, Denise Dumars, Sharon Mock, David Lee Summers.

SUNDAY, EVENING “David please go to bed” — My brain

At the end of March I’ll also be in Seattle for the Emerald City Comicon, which is three days long this year and will surely, surely be an amazing show. Come say hello!

Also on my calendar for the spring are:

Calgary Comic & Entertainment Expo, April 27-29

Toronto Comic Arts Festival, May 5-6

Vancouver Comic Arts Festival, May 26-27 — My first-ever Vancouver appearance. (Oh, and the show is soliciting volunteers now!)

And maybe others too!


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