Wondermark

Fiction: A Few Words From Leonard Ramirez, First Co-President of the United States

June 29, 2023January 21, 2013

The latest from my ongoing interminable series “Rejected by McSweeney’s.”

Good afternoon, Mr. President; Madam Secretary; members of the press corps; ladies and gentlemen.

When I first received a call from the election commission informing me that, due to an obscure and little-understood bylaw in our nation’s founding documents, the Supreme Court was, for the first time ever, Constitutionally obligated to name a Co-President of the United States, I was, to say the least, surprised.

When the gentleman on the phone went on to say that, due to the ratio between the popular vote total in the Northern states and the balance of party power in the Senate, divided by the number of property owners in the state of Virginia, this rare and never-before-executed provision had mathematically selected me, Leonard Ramirez, assistant general manager of Penn Hills Radio Shack in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to serve as co-president alongside Barack Obama, I was extremely surprised.

We need not review the curious and protracted process by which I came to actually assume this office. I urge us to put the partisan rancor of the last several months behind us. The many slanderous statements and incredulous, stammering protests uttered in the Supreme Court challenge that I survived will forever remain a part of that Court’s permanent record; let us keep our high spirits by not repeating them here.

I did not ask for this unprecedented position; I did not expect it; but I see no option but to rise to it. And so, as co-president, I would like to offer my assistance to President Obama in any way that I can.

Mr. President, please let me know if there’s anything I can do. My desk, just on the other side of the hastily-erected cubicle wall in the Oval Office that you have no doubt noticed, is very close to yours, so you should be able to just speak loudly, or come over and ask whatever you like. If you’re out of the office, or on Air Force One or in another country, I’m told that you have been given a special walkie-talkie that can connect you to me at any time. It looks like this one. Do you have it? Okay. It’s okay if you don’t have it with you. I’ve got mine, so, whenever you need, just hit the Talk button. Mine’s set on Channel Two, but if you prefer a different channel, just let me know. I’m happy to accommodate.

I’ve been asked if I plan to sit in on Cabinet meetings, or visit foreign dignitaries, or address Congress. My answer to these, and every similar query, is the same: if I can be of help, then I am happy to. Mr. President, if you are busy with your family, and you’d prefer me to go visit troops in Afghanistan or have a meeting with Hugo Chavez, all you have to do is ask. I am no longer married, and I only have my daughter on alternate weekends, so I have a lot of free time. I’ve also been in touch with my general manager over at Penn Hills Radio Shack, Nancy Ranmuller. She has agreed to allow me as much time off as I need. So, again, I am at your disposal for that.

I do speak a little bit of Spanish, but not very much. Mainly just greetings, curse words, and the names of foods. If Hugo Chavez wants to talk to me about brunch, I won’t even need an interpreter! Just a little joke. I would in actuality be happy to avail myself of the services of an official White House interpreter. It would probably be for the best. I should also say that I am fair to decent at taking notes. I could meet with you after the meeting and we could go over what was said, sort of talk it out and make sure we’re both on the same page. I will try my best to keep any random doodles “president-friendly.”

Mr. President, I also know that it must be very difficult for you to split your attention among the many pressing issues facing this nation, including the economy, concerns about jobs and unemployment, health care reform, and rising tensions overseas. Again, I want to put myself at your disposal. If you want to think just about unemployment for a while, I’m here to run interference for you. I can hold a press conference, or conduct an interview with 60 Minutes. Or, I can discuss one issue with the Cabinet, while you meet with leaders in Congress about something else. Later, we can compare notes, and that way in case the other person has to go to the other meeting the next day, we’re both up to speed on everything that’s been discussed.

The last election was among the most divisive in our nation’s history. Mr. President, I feel I should come clean and admit that did I not vote for you. I did not vote for anyone, because I forgot what time the polls closed, and also I did not have a ride. Nancy Ranmuller was supposed to take me after work, but she had to go pick up her kids, because of some mix-up with her husband that I do not know the details of. As co-president I am willing to be flexible about things like that, because I do not have a family of my own, except for alternate weekends when my daughter and I read books in silence. I almost got remarried once, but it did not work out for reasons too complicated to explain. I do get Secret Service protection, though, right? In case she shows up at the White House?

Just another little joke. I think she is unlikely to show up at the White House. Even I had to take a cab because I could not find it at first. Anyway, because of my family situation I can always stay late at the office, or run to pick something up if you and Michelle are busy or need an extra hand. I am not much of a cook but I can do simple things like rice and eggs pretty well. I also don’t snore and usually have clean towels on hand in case you need to crash at my place for any reason, or if I have to stay overnight at the White House I’ll try not to be a bother. I do sometimes like to watch television in the evenings, but if you would rather go to bed early, it’s okay if I miss an episode of something. It’s really not a big deal; I can always read a recap the next day. Although I think you would agree that it’s not the same.

I would just like to conclude by saying that I am really very excited for this opportunity. There has never been a co-president in our nation’s history. But our Founders must have written it into the Constitution for a reason.

Mr. President, I know this is an awkward situation for the both of us. Believe me, I’m as nervous as you are. And since we have to work together, I hope we can make the best of it. I’ll try to remember to bring headphones to the Oval Office and if my music is ever too loud, please just let me know. I’ve already labeled all my food in the fridge so there should be no confusion. I will now take questions.

Check out: A Period Literary Corpus

June 29, 2023January 18, 2013

A quick followup to last week’s post about anachronisms in period storytelling. In the comments, Howard pointed out this undertaking by author Mary Robinette Kowal, whose novels are set in the world of Jane Austen:

There are a lot of words which are obviously anachronisms but there others which aren’t. Short of looking up every word in a novel, there’s no way to really know if a seemingly innocuous word like “hello” exists yet.

So here’s my plan for Glamour in Glass.

I’ve created a list of all the words that are in the collected works of Jane Austen to use for my spellcheck dictionary. It will flag any word that she didn’t use and I can then look those up to see if it was in use in 1815… [read more]

I love this idea. I wish it were easier to dial up, say, the corpus of 1910s-1930s adventure stories, or whatever you wanted. Another tool among many to help writers approach a period-accurate feel if desired. I’d love to hear about things others have done along the same lines — leave a comment if you know of any more examples! [Comments]

Two Videos on Photography and Painting

June 29, 2023January 14, 2013

Here are a couple videos I came across in the last couple of days that I thought you might enjoy! Both are a little on the long side but well worth it.

First, portrait photographer Peter Hurley offers one simple way to make your pictures of people much more flattering: emphasize the jawline. Blog post (including video) here:

So since this one area means so much to me, I thought I’d share some tips on it in this little video. In it you’ll see how adamant I am about having my clients bring their jawline towards my camera day in and day out. This simple technique instantly improves the images I’m taking of my clients, and I hope you gain a few insights here that you find helpful and can implement on your next shoot.

Second, illustrator Quentin Blake demonstrates his drawing and painting technique for the camera. Write up (including video) here:

On the light box I put the rough drawing I am going to work from, and on top of that a sheet of watercolour paper, normally Canson or Arches fin. Ready to hand is a bottle of waterproof black ink and a lot of scruffy-looking dip pens… What happens next is not tracing; in fact it’s important that I can’t see the rough drawing underneath too clearly, because when I draw I try to draw as if for the first time; but I can do it with increased concentration, because the drawing underneath lets me know all the elements that have to appear and exactly where they have to be placed.

BONUS LINK: Last week’s comic about the faucet inventors reminded some readers of an Eddie Izzard routine about toast and faucets. I hadn’t seen this video before, but I love Eddie Izzard and I think there’s a deep well of faucet-related frustration we can all tap into together. Here’s the clip!

Identifying Anachronisms in ‘Lincoln’ & ‘Mad Men’

June 29, 2023January 10, 2013

Image: The Dictionary of Americanisms

I enjoyed two articles in The Atlantic by historian Benjamin Schmidt: one looking at the movie Lincoln, and the other at episodes of Mad Men, in which he used computers to compare the language used in each by characters to a corpus of actual published works from the same era, with the goal of flagging any modern terminology or phraseology that snuck into supposedly period-accurate works. (For example, “snuck” is a word he cites as becoming common decades too late to be accurate to Lincoln’s time.)

From the Lincoln article:

It turns out Kushner didn’t reach for that OED as much as he could have. Mary Todd complains about Thaddeus Stevens’s “prosecutorial” interest in her accounts, but the word wasn’t used at all until 1934, and not widely until Watergate. As others have noted, everyone said “sneaked,” not “snuck,” until the 20th century, and the “barrage” of artillery Edwin Stanton plans for Wilmington only entered English around 1900. And the “bipartisanship” at the heart of the movie’s narrative? The dictionary says the term only entered the language in 1909, although I’ve found a few occurrences from the 1890s.

And Mad Men:

What seems to be the most ubiquitous mistake in Mad Men is so frequent as to be invisible: the phrase “I need to.” Modern scripts set in 1960s, including Mad Men, use it constantly: it’s about as frequent as everyday words like “good,” “between,” or “most.” But to say “I need to” so much is a surprisingly modern practice: books, television shows, and movies from the 1960s use it at least ten times less often, and many never use it all. Sixties dialogue written back then used “ought to” far more often than modern imitators do.

I love this type of stuff. In Dispatches from Wondermark Manor I of course tried to affect a quasi-Victorian style of writing, but completely absurdly and with a deliberate disregard for accuracy…and yet, when I went back to assemble the complete edition, revisiting texts that in some cases I’d written years earlier, I absolutely made changes based on my improved understanding of Victorian language. Stuff just stood out to me as wrong.

I remember replacing tsunami with cyclone and zeppelin (as a generic term for airship) with dirigible. I also snuck, er, sneaked in some particularly juicy turns of phrase that I’d come across in period literature that charmed me with how different they sounded from something written today.

But I rather love the mishmash, as well — obviously someone striving for period accuracy would do well to try to use the language of the day in the manner in which it was actually used, but there’s something charming to me about adopting the trappings of a different era but putting a little bit of a modern voice into it. It becomes new; it’s something we couldn’t have gotten from the real era. It’s science fiction: traveling back to the world of Kennedy or LBJ or Queen Victoria or Abraham Lincoln, getting to put on those clothes and talk about those issues, but bringing a little 2013 with you in a way that they never would have done. It’s inventive.

Oh no you guys this was an accident but I — I think I just invented steampunk

Books I Read in 2012

June 29, 2023January 4, 2013

Flickr photo by shutterhacks

In 2012 I actually managed to keep track of all the books I read (I think), using Goodreads! I track my reading there, but I don’t star or review anything because I don’t tend to dice my opinions that finely. I just like to have a pleasant time reading!

Though, I do often read others’ reviews to see if I agree or disagree. Most commonly what happens is that a reviewer will point out something bad about a book I enjoyed that I didn’t notice, and it’ll make me think “Huh, I guess that WAS dumb.” So in general, reading reviews makes me dislike things more. HOORAY FOR WEB 2.0

Not counted here are TopatoCo books that I read for work, books that I began but did not finish in 2012 (I’m still chipping away at a couple different anthologies), or books that I started but abandoned (looking at you, Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk). Also not mentioned are books that I began BEFORE 2012 and STILL did not finish by the end of the year. ALSO ALSO not mentioned are books that I did not start, finish, read any of, or hear about in 2012. So this is an incomplete list of all the books in the world, for which I apologize.

I also find it interesting to note how I obtained the book and the format I read it in. Los Angeles has a great public library system, so if I hear about a book I’d like to read, I’ll often just look it up right away and put it on hold. Of course my shelves are also bursting with other books I obtained but haven’t yet read, and who knows, they may show up on any list from 2013-2113. STAY TUNED.

ANYWAY….ROUGHLY IN ORDER

Chess Story by Stefan Zweig
Format: Hardcopy received as a gift
Joey Comeau recommended this book on Twitter, so I put it on my Christmas list last year. It’s short, thought-provoking, and strange. Recommended.

Tom Swift and His Airship by “Victor Appleton” (1910)
Format: Free ebook from Google Books
I love old youth-adventure books (usually ironically) and I love flying (sincerely). This one is pretty execrable, but it’s got its kitschy charms.

Bible Camp Bloodbath by Joey Comeau
Format: Electronically via Joey’s website
Just what it says on the tin!

The Flying Girl and Her Chum by Edith Van Dyne (1912)
Format: Free ebook from Google Books
Read this for kitsch and actually fell in love with it. Discovered that “Edith Van Dyne” was actually one of L. Frank Baum’s many pseudonyms. Despite about three severely head-shaking moments, this is a legitimately great YA adventure book with female heroines and lots of daring airplane action.

Improvise: Scene from the Inside Out by Mick Napier
Format: Hardcopy purchased at retail
A nuts-and-bolts book for improv comedy performers. Great, if you’re into that.

7th Sigma by Steven Gould
Format: Hardcopy from the library
I’ve read three or four of Gould’s other books and enjoyed them, and I loved the premise of this one, but didn’t care for the story so much. I learned after the fact that it’s basically a remake of Kipling’s Kim, which may explain some of the oddness, but I haven’t read Kim so I don’t know.

The Adventures of Johnny Bunko: The Last Career Guide You’ll Ever Need by Daniel H. Pink & Rob Ten Pas
Format: Hardcopy from the library
A career advice book for 20-somethings, written in manga format. Pretty neat, full of good advice.

The Girl Aviators and the Phantom Airship by Margaret Burnham
Format: Free ebook from Project Gutenberg. (Also available in audio)
Read this trying to find another book as good as The Flying Girl and was disappointed. This one was much more formulaic and trite in the Tom Swift vein.

Robur the Conquerer and The Master of the World by Jules Verne
Format: Free ebooks from Google Books
Read both of these trying to slake my thirst for period aviation stories. Didn’t really like either of them — the writing is fine but the plots of both are pretty dumb. Learned later that there’s a controversy swirling about various translations of Verne; it’s pretty fascinating topic that will require its own blog post someday.

Thoughts on the Nature of Intellectual Property and its Importance to the State by Nathaniel Southgate Shaler (1877)
Format: Free ebook from Google Books
Found this while researching intellectual property issues for True Stuff from Old Books posts on the subject. I got to add this title to Goodreads myself and I’m still the only user with it on any shelf.

From Birdwomen to Skygirls: American Girls’ Aviation Stories by Fred Erisman
Format: Hardcopy received as a gift
An academic overview of 1900-1960s YA aviation adventure written for girls. Super duper fascinating. This is a followup to a book that I’d also like to read, about boys’ aviation adventure books.

The Naughty Victorian Hand Book: The Rediscovered Art of Erotic Hand Manipulation by Burton Silver & Jeremy Bennett
Format: Borrowed copy — subsequently bought 10 copies
I’m going to do a whole separate post about how much I love this book.

The New Century Standard Letter-Writer by Alfred B. Chambers (1900)
Format: Free ebook from Google Books — subsequently bought hardcopy
Found this while Googling “correspondence etiquette” and immediately had to find a copy on eBay. One of my new favorite period books.

Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld
Format: Hardcopy from the library
Plucked this off the library shelf at random and enjoyed it. This was one where the Goodreads reviews seemed to clash with my own opinion — a lot of readers didn’t like the main character and thought the author was portraying the setting (prep school) unfairly negatively, but I totally felt like I got on the book’s wavelength.

The Adventures of Tintin, Vol. 2 by Hergé
Format: Hardcopy from the library
Never actually read any Tintin, so I got a few volumes from the library.

The Flying Girl by L. Frank Baum (1911)
Format: Hardcopy from the library
This predecessor to The Flying Girl and Her Chum wasn’t available as an ebook, so I had to track this down at the UCLA library. Loved it even more than the other one! Hungry Tiger Press has reissued hardcovers of both volumes, complete with new illustrations. I sought out Eric Shanower from Hungry Tiger at a convention and asked him about the books, and he was surprised that I’d ever heard of them.

The Magician King by Lev Grossman
Format: Hardcopy from the library
Loved this sequel to The Magicians. Actually got the ebook too, but my library hold for the hardcopy came up before I got around to reading it that way.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
Format: Hardcopy from the library
Saw this at the library, had heard good things, so I picked it off the shelf. Enjoyed it. Like Veins (below), an interesting example of an unreliable narrator.

Habibi by Craig Thompson
Format: Hardcopy bought from a comic shop
Gorgeous, immersive, expansive. Didn’t care for the sexual politics of the story, but the dude can draw.

A God Somewhere by John Arcudi & Peter Snejbjerg
Format: Hardcopy bought at a convention
Read a review of this years ago that praised it highly, and I loved Arcudi’s Major Bummer back in the ’90s (which Dark Horse has finally put out in a trade paperback)! Liked this book fine.

I Found This Funny: My Favorite Pieces of Humor and Some That May Not Be Funny At All, ed. Judd Apatow
Format: Hardcopy from the library
Apatow admits in the introduction that he doesn’t know how to edit an anthology, and about half of this book is not comedy pieces at all, which I suppose was warned of in the title. Once you get past that, though, I found it to be a decent read, with fewer clunkers than most anthologies. (That’s a particular praise that we’ve heard a lot about Machine of Death, and the more anthologies I read, the more I realize how high a piece of praise it is).

Vitalogy by E.H. Ruddock
Format: Reprint hardcopy purchased retail
An Edwardian-era medical manual that I’ve owned for a while, but finally read cover-to-cover so I could parody it for a MaxFunCon promo piece. Totally bonkers in places.

Bloody Chester by J.T. Petty & Hilary Florido
Format: Hardcopy from a convention
Neat horror Western that I wish was longer.

Feynman by Jim Ottaviani & Leland Myrick
Format: Hardcopy from a convention
Super-great biography of the celebrated physicist. I didn’t know much about Richard Feynman before I read this, but it totally made me want to seek out his books and lectures. (I never actually did.)

Laika by Nick Abadzis
Format: Hardcopy from a convention
Started reading this long ago at a friend’s house; finally got my own copy. Such a great book.

You Ain’t No Dancer Vol.1, ed. Neil Babra
Format: Hardcopy borrowed from a friend
Neat comic anthology from many years ago.

The Prehistory of the Far Side: A 10th Anniversary Exhibit by Gary Larson
Format: Hardcopy from thrift store
This book has a lot of behind-the-scenes “Far Side” material. Highly recommended for fans of the strip (who am I kidding, if you’re a Far Side fan, you’ve probably already read it). I saw it for ONE DOLLAR at my local thrift store and about had an aneurysm.

The View from Saturday by E.L. Konigsburg
Format: Hardcopy from the library
I enjoyed From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler as a kid (an older kid would let me read a chapter a day from his copy on the long bus ride to school), so when I saw this on the library shelf, I picked it up. (I do a lot of browsing of library shelves looking for serendipity.) Liked it fine; I appreciated how it was a YA book that didn’t talk down to its audience. I don’t read a lot of contemporary YA, so maybe that’s the standard? If so, good! Period YA mostly treats its readers like babies.

Veins by Drew
Format: Kindle ebook
Drew’s a very funny writer (I’m currently very much enjoying his blog The Worst Things For Sale) and this book is tragically sad while also being very…I think “wry” might be a good way to put it?

Why Do Birds by Damon Knight
Format: Hardcopy from the library
I happened across the high concept for this book on a blog somewhere and immediately requested a copy from the library. I found it a bit clunky in parts, but hey, so is my skeleton these days. Still works fine.

We3 by Grant Morrison & Frank Quitely
Format: Hardcopy borrowed from a friend
I’m not a huge Grant Morrison fan, and I feel like I’m always being disappointed by raved-about comics, but this graphic novel about cybernetically enhanced housepets was pretty great. It got off to a slow start, but I really enjoyed it by the end.

Empire State: A Love Story (Or Not) by Jason Shiga
Format: Hardcopy bought from the author
I love Jason Shiga’s comics — his Bookhunter is one of my favorite graphic novels ever — so I was excited to read his latest. It’s much quieter than some of his more formally audacious books, and I was pretty underwhelmed at first, but I’m now remembering it fondly.

FoxTrot Beyond a Doubt by Bill Amend
Format: Hardcopy from library book sale
A massive collection of “FoxTrot” comics from the mid-90s. Lots of jokes about dial-up internet, Magic Eye puzzles, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. I respect dudes like Bill Amend so much for this level of achievement — it took me months to read this whole book, and he’s got a whole stack of ’em.

The Fall of the Republic by Crawford Kilian
Format: Hardcopy from BookMooch
Last Christmas I threw in my travel bag a paperback that I’d bought for a buck at a used bookstore on a whim based on the cover illustration. That was Rogue Emperor, Book 3 in the “Chronoplane Wars” series by Crawford Kilian. I thought the whole thing sounded awesomely cheesy. I ended up liking the book enough that I sought out the first two Chronoplane Wars books, and accidentally read them in a weird order — book 2, then 1, then 3. Then it turned out he’d written them in the order 3-then-a-gap-of-decades-then-1-then-2. Rogue Emperor was the third book published but the second book chronologically. And it was like a side quest to the main story — he wrote a story, then a prequel years later, then went back and wrote another interstitial story unrelated to the others, taking place between them, just because he liked the characters and setting. It took me forever to figure out how they fit together. Anyway, this book (The Fall of the Republic) is a latter-day prequel to The Empire of Time (originally a standalone book, which I read last), but I much preferred reading them in this order, so there.

The Empire of Time by Crawford Kilian
Format: Downloaded ebook
Though these books came out decades ago, I discovered that Crawford Kilian is still around, and he’s been reissuing his old out-of-print books via vanity press editions. Unfortunately the new covers are very amateurish. I don’t have much else to say except that I’ve had an Alibris tab open to a search for one of his other books for a week now, and I find myself more willing to buy an older edition, used, than a reissued version, straight from the author, brand-new but sold through a weird vanity press service. I haven’t been able to reconcile that urge with my basic support-the-authors-you-love ethos, though (maybe because I am still only lukewarm on his other books at best), so I haven’t pulled the trigger on either one.

AND THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS. Sorry I wasn’t more critical! I’m lucky that I evidently steered clear of a bunch of clunkers this year. I recommend you read…all of these so we can be pals

What’re some highlights from books you read last year? Leave a comment!

#1581; The Longest, Most Fruitless Search

— January 23rd, 2026