Fiction: A Few Words From Leonard Ramirez, First Co-President of the United States

The latest from my ongoing interminable series “Rejected by McSweeney’s.” Good afternoon, Mr. President; Madam Secretary; members of the press corps; ladies and gentlemen. When I first received a call from the election commission informing me that, due to an obscure and little-understood bylaw in our nation’s founding documents, the Supreme Court was, for the first time ever, Constitutionally obligated to name a Co-President of the United States, I was, to say the least, surprised. When the gentleman on the phone went on to say that, due to the ratio between the popular vote total in the Northern states and … Read more

Fiction: Totally Plausible Ways I Could Talk To The Girl Who Lives In My Building

I present the latest in my irregular series “Rejected by McSweeney’s.” A work of fiction. Totally Plausible Ways I Could Talk To The Girl Who Lives In My Building 1. She is coming in from walking her dog, the leash in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other. I hold the door open for her. She says “thanks.” A conversation starts, perhaps about the dog, perhaps about the groceries (“just out buying dog food?”, etc). 2. The water is off in the building while some sort of repair is being done. While in the courtyard tending to … Read more

Writing: The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist

Rejected by McSweeney’s: The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist Bike for sale – $50 (bicycles): 10-speed bike for sale. It’s blue — sorry, I don’t know much about bikes. Great condition, never used. I got it as a gift but unfortunately have no legs. Yellow sweater at Starbucks (missed connections): You: Gorgeous brunette, trendy sunglasses, legs for days. Me: Orange ghost. Coffee? Take over my lease! (rooms & shares): Looking for college student or other to take over my spot in cozy 4-person unit. Roommates are only home intermittently throughout the day. Few amenities, but centrally located. Neighborhood is … Read more

Writing: The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility

Another in the ‘Rejected by McSweeney’s’ category. I actually wrote this about six years ago, for a Film History class if you can believe it, so I’m not too surprised by the rejection. The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility This affadavit is hereby submitted to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, regarding certain statements made by members of the Workers’ Confection Legion and Lollipop Guild and Elks Club, Munchkinland Local #281, where two individuals, a Mr. Dweeble Tootlepop and a Mr. G. Norbert Wankenpuff (heretofore referred to as the ACCUSED), on the twenty-third of May of this year, erroneously … Read more

Writing: omg wht was tht noize?

Another in the “Rejected by McSweeney’s” category. ### Instant Messages I Would Send if the EMP Bomb Hadn’t Permanently Destroyed All Electronics Worldwide hey R U online? txt me im just sittin here in the dark with no tv lol wind-up radios suXX >:O i feel like im in the 18th centyry omg mysis was like “do we get to eat all the icecream now” and I was all “the freezer still works!!!!” srsly she is so stupid 😛 OMG I just realized is your granddad ok? b/c of his pacemaker txt me these crazy ppl just showed up w/beards … Read more