Scenes from my Watchmen novelization

Some excerpts from my upcoming novelization of the Watchmen movie:

page 54:

The Comedian fired again, his tear-gas canister ricocheting from the side of a school bus and into a crowd of protesters. With his goggles’ magnification turned on, Dreiberg could see a woman coughing and weeping. This isn’t what we talked about! he seethed.

Blake worked the action on his shotgun and took aim again. That’s it! Dreiberg slapped the autopilot lever and sprang to his feet. Taking a deep breath, he leaped from Archie and spread his cloak, landing with birdlike ease on the sidewalk below. Foompt! Another tear-gas canister flew into the crowd.

A few long strides brought Dreiberg face-to-face with Blake. His goggles’ infra-red vision indicated that Blake hadn’t even broken a sweat. But the Comedian only grinned. “I love working on American soil, Dan,” he crowed, splitting the gun open and reaching for the shells in his belt pouch. “Ain’t had this much fun since Woodward and Bernstein.”

“How long can we keep this up?” Dreiberg shouted, his voice cracking with dismay. But Blake’s face still wore that infernal grin. He doesn’t see what I see, Dreiberg thought. It wasn’t a realization so much as it was a recognition of what he already knew. We’ve never been on the same side. Not really.

“Congress is pushing through some new bill that’s gonna outlaw masks,” Blake sneered. “Our days are numbered. Till then it’s like you always say. We’re society’s only protection.”

Blake’s voice had taken on the sardonic tone that always made Dreiberg wonder if he was truly serious, or just trying to provoke a reaction. Blake had never been one to cooperate quietly with authority. But the gun in his hands was no joke — people had been hurt tonight, and Blake had been the one doing the hurting.

Still, Dreiberg couldn’t stop himself from protesting. They were supposed to be heroes, for God’s sake. “From what?” he cried, trying vainly to penetrate Blake’s contemptuousness. Little pieces, he reminded himself. Plant the seeds.

“You kidding me?” the Comedian smirked. “From themselves.”

page 81:

Every camera’s flash seemed, to Jon, to take both an eternity and an instant: he could see the carbon filaments in every bulb slowly curling, like a neglected flower dying on a windowsill. So many chemical reactions, he thought. Fascinated, he followed the molecular chain into the camera itself, where photons bombarded the silver halide in the ribbon of film nestled safely in its center. From there it was a simple matter to track carbon interacting with oxygen and nitrogen — their playful interplay was so fascinating that he was taken aback when he realized he’d followed the chain right though the camera, and was now staring into the flesh of the cameraman’s hand.

It was only Wally’s voice that tore him from his reverie. What time had done to poor Wally! It was suddenly 1971, and Wally was dying of cancer. Jon was starting to get used to these shifts back and forth — only they weren’t back and forth, not really; they were all at the same time. Time was a jewel, and right now he was looking at a different facet.

“The superman exists, and he is American!” Wally was saying. Jon had a vague sort of sense that Wally was referring to him. It seemed like a sentiment that would have been terribly important, once upon a time; now two seconds later Jon could barely remember shadows of what Wally had said, as if having awaken from a dream. It was 1971, and Wally was dying of cancer. It was 1959, and Wally was shaking his hand for the first time.

“Nations around the world are still reeling from this morning’s announcement…” The voice of a newscaster, from far away, reporting on what was happening right now. It was tonight, and Jon was watching television.

They call me Dr. Manhattan. They had just informed him of this, and they had been doing it for years.

They explain the name has been chosen for the ominous associations it will raise in America’s enemies. It is 1959, and they crowd around Jon, unsure what to say as Jon draws on his own forehead. A hydrogen atom. The most logical choice for a symbol. They say the marketing people need a symbol. It is 1975, and Dr. Manhattan toys are gathering dust on a shelf.

They are shaping me into something gaudy, something lethal. Jon looks at the tank and sees every piece of it — every bolt, every rivet, every exploding artillery shell. He looks further, and sees every molecule, every spinning mote of iron colliding with every other. He could reduce it to its atoms to show them how it’s put together, really put together, but he knows they will not understand.

He lifts bolts and plates and engine parts and bullets gently from one another, and the crowd behind him gasps as a thousand component elements of tank suddenly float in the air like a school of deadly metal fish. Then Jon closes his fingers around the iron molecules. One hundred thousand pounds of metal hit the desert floor with a crackling thump. The tank has become a stone.

But it is still iron. It is still the same number of particles. Everything is always the same number of particles.

page 177:

“We need to squeeze people.”

Rorschach’s voice sounded like it always did, like gravel through a sieve. Dreiberg wondered how he could ever tell if the man was annoyed. With practiced motions, he began disengaging the fueling pump from Archie’s power port. So many times he had done this…so many nights. “Sure. Why don’t we just pick names out of a phone book?”

“You forgot how we do things, Daniel? You’ve gone too soft. Too trusting.” Rorschach turned and looked as Dreiberg pulled the hose free. Steam hissed around Dan’s hands. Hot. “Especially with women.”

Dreiberg felt his face flush, and it wasn’t from the steam. What the hell did Rorschach know about women? “Now listen, I’ve had it with that! God, who do you think you are, Rorschach? You live off people while insulting them, and no one complains because they think you’re a damn lunatic!”

Rorschach didn’t respond. Dan could feel his heart pumping deep in his chest as he replaced the hose in its cradle. God, this man’s killed children for saying less than that. He began to look around for things he could grab, ways he could defend himself, even as Rorshach stood and approached him. Dan could almost hear Rorschach’s anger boiling over like a teakettle about to blow. He wrapped his hands around the hose. Splash him in the face. Hit Archie’s remote flamethrower ignition. Has it really come to this? They’re setting us against each other —

But Rorschach only stared at Dreiberg. Impassive behind that shifting mask, his eyes lost somewhere deep within the swirling masses of ink. Dreiberg licked his lips. “I’m… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, man.”

To his amazement, Rorschach held out his gloved hand.

“Daniel. You are a good friend.”

His voice sounded no different than it ever did — but Dan was moved all the same.

Tales of Bears in Ill-Fitting Hats

You may know that 2008 was predicted to be the year of bears in ill-fitting hats — and boy was it ever.

But what now, in 2009?

In 2009, we tell their stories.

'Misty', by halcyonsnow
Misty, by halcyonsnow

Misty stood still even as the last rays of sunlight disappeared behind whistling pines, waiting, careful not to move, not to lose hope. She ran over the words a thousand times in her mind — had she said them right? Had she missed even a single syllable? She couldn’t be sure. She didn’t think so, but she couldn’t be sure.

She stood there watching the valley turn from evening slowly into dark, chilly night. The he-bear did not return, though this was the place where he had last stood, she was sure of it. The branches were still broken from his passage, the grass flat from his weight.

She did not think she had said the words wrong — but sometimes, she reasoned, she told herself as the moon finally found her, the magic might take time.

===

'Underwater Bear', by Red Rocket Farm
Underwater Bear, by Red Rocket Farm

It had not been difficult for Brewster to find the chest; the instructions the men had given him were perfect, and the prize itself was no trouble for his long, strong arms. It clinked as he padded softly through the silty sea-bed, and he wondered what was in it — bottlecaps, perhaps? Jars full of stones?

The men had been very keen for Brewster to return to the surface the instant he’d found the treasure, but honey did not spoil; his reward would be equally sweet later, and the water felt cool on such a warm day. He’d never known he could breathe down here, never bothered to try — in fact it was downright peaceful, a nice break from all the shouting and frenzy up where the men waited. With nothing better to do, he sat and fumbled with the chest until it opened, hoping to find seashells perhaps, or possibly bottles filled with acorns.

Inside were hundreds of firm yellow disks. With horror he realized it was honey, frozen or hardened somehow into indigestible slices, and with haste he packed up the chest and raced again for the surface — these men had somehow turned it bad, and he hoped as he kicked that he was not yet too late to claim his wages.

===

'hhHeh Hur', by Ape Lad
hhHeh Hur, by Ape Lad

Madame Hoote shook her head. This experiment could never work; she didn’t know what the knuckleheads down at District were thinking. She knew the social dynamics in her classroom, the problems that could arise from mixing kids from different backgrounds; integration was all the rage nowadays, but she missed the pragmatism it had replaced.

One could not put a bear in the same room as a badger and expect them both to learn arithmetic at the same pace — for bears were slow by nature, while badgers were hyperactive. She could hardly teach Social Studies frankly without offending one party or the other (though most of the politically-charged stuff went right over the poor bear’s head). And, she thought with a sigh, she could have told those fools down at District that bears and badgers could simply not play dodgeball together without someone getting hurt.

It had been sad to see the little creature squeak in pain as it went flying across the playground, but perhaps, she thought, dusting the cone-hat from the closet and sitting the bear gently on the time-out stump, this sorry incident would finally teach someone a lesson.

Writing: My words in the New York Times

Niche audience alert! I’m guessing MAYBE 0.1% of readers will be served by the following bit of trivia: in this week’s New York Times “Stuart Elliott’s In Advertising” email newsletter, the anonymous spoof question — the one Mr. Elliott called “delightful” and “a good note on which to end the Q&A’s for the year” — was written by me.

New York Times, baby!

Writing: The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist

Rejected by McSweeney’s:

pacmanarco2_61a60.png

The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist

Bike for sale – $50 (bicycles):

10-speed bike for sale. It’s blue — sorry, I don’t know much about bikes. Great condition, never used. I got it as a gift but unfortunately have no legs.

Yellow sweater at Starbucks (missed connections):

You: Gorgeous brunette, trendy sunglasses, legs for days. Me: Orange ghost. Coffee?

Take over my lease! (rooms & shares):

Looking for college student or other to take over my spot in cozy 4-person unit. Roommates are only home intermittently throughout the day. Few amenities, but centrally located. Neighborhood is a real maze though.

life in the rat race (rants & raves):

work used to be fun back when i got to make kids smile…but my only clients nowadays are smelly maladjusted man-child nerds…i hate my co-workers…such jerks…never live with the same people you work with…you have no privacy…and the worst part is…i can’t even masturbate
i have no genitalia

Looking for Exciting Job (resumes / job wanted):

Current gig is getting repetitive so I’m looking for something new. Travel, new horizons a plus. Resume below.

(1980-present): Ghost
Member of elite security team for pharmaceutical concern.
Duties include: Guarding pills, running around, light clerical.

Blender/smoothie maker (items wanted):

Used is fine. I gotta start doing something with all this damn fruit. It’s just going to waste.

sub seeking big asian dom (casual encounters):

looking for someone big and yellow to chase ME around for a while

Writing: The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility

Another in the ‘Rejected by McSweeney’s’ category. I actually wrote this about six years ago, for a Film History class if you can believe it, so I’m not too surprised by the rejection.

The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility

This affadavit is hereby submitted to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, regarding certain statements made by members of the Workers’ Confection Legion and Lollipop Guild and Elks Club, Munchkinland Local #281, where two individuals, a Mr. Dweeble Tootlepop and a Mr. G. Norbert Wankenpuff (heretofore referred to as the ACCUSED), on the twenty-third of May of this year, erroneously represented themselves as valid representatives of the L.G. Local #281. Despite claims made by the Accused, statements made by the Accused on the date in question were most emphatically NOT made on behalf of the President or Board of Directors of the L.G. Local #281, nor the majority of the Guild’s members.

On the date in question, the Accused approached a Ms. Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, where the L.G. Local #281 has no representation, whether Guild membership or co-op Guild presence, and in unison declared:

“We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild; we represent the Lollipop Guild, and welcome you here to Oz.”

It is clear that the Accused fully intended to represent themselves as duly appointed spokesmunchkins for the L.G. Local #281, and as such, with deliberate intent to deceive and mislead, made statements clearly meant to represent the President, Board of Directors and membership of the L.G. Local #281 when, in all fact, they do not.

Not to say that the L.G. Local #281 and its appropriately appointed officers do not wish to express their well wishes to Ms. Gale; rather, there are channels specifically suited to the conveyance of such communication, very carefully structured so that the wrong impression is not given. The L.G. Local #281 has long endured a harsh legacy of prejudice and ill feeling due to unsubstantiated claims of products involving alleged health hazards and marketing to minors, and as a result of such an unfortunate history has to be very careful with regard to who is allowed to speak for the Guild and even then, such statements must be carefully screened and monitored to ensure that all messages are in concordance with the true wishes and best interests of the President, the Board of Directors and the membership of the L.G. Local #281.

Due to the unfortunate events of the twenty-third of May, the individuals Accused have been placed on Guild probation until further notice. On behalf of the L.G. Local #281, we hereby declare to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, that the matter of this incident has been duly dealt with internally as the President, the Board of Directors and the membership of the Guild see fit; additionally, should there be any external repercussion later with respect to the untoward behavior of the Accused, the L.G. Local #281 at this juncture formally absolves itself, its President, its Board of Directors and its membership of any connection to or affiliation with the statement in question, the intent behind such, the Accused who inappropriately delivered it, or any consequences of such an unauthorized statement being made at this or any time.

No action on the part of the Almighty Oz is necessary nor warranted at this juncture. There is no need to schedule any surprise health inspections for Guild member confectionaries. In recognition of the Almighty Oz’s consideration in this regard, the L.G. Local #281 has enclosed a treat basket. The lollipops within contain legally acceptable levels of rat droppings. Enjoy with our compliments.