Here lie most of the biggest remaining chunks of David Malki !

With reference to today’s comic — a few weeks ago, Boston hosted a marathon epitaph-writing session between myself, Joey & Emily, Ryan, Randall, and Kris. Some of my favorites (that I can remember):

~ Here lies Emily Horne, or at least her most recent host body
~ Here lies Joey Comeau, or at least someone wearing his face
~ Here lies Randall Munroe and the items his atoms have been fused with
~ Here lies Ryan North, PROVEN WRONG FOR ONCE
~ Here lies Kris Straub / 1979-2004, 2005, 2007, 2010
~ David Malki ! / 1980-2005 / 2010-

What’s your epitaph? Leave a comment and share!

109 thoughts on “Here lie most of the biggest remaining chunks of David Malki !”

  1. If I get into coma: “Here lies Fernando Irías, still resting in peace after his 10 years coma.”

    If I commit sucide: “Here lies Fernando Irías, succeeding at least once.”

    Any other case: “Here lies Fernando Irías, he deserved this.”

  2. There’s always the Oregon Trail classic: “Peperony and chease.” But I think my favorite is the one my sister wants: “Well, this sucks.”

  3. I’d really like to have a sad smiley somewhere on my gravestone. 🙁

    Perhaps in conjunction with “Zeke Iddon – awaiting zombification” or “Here lies Ze…’ewww guys there’s worms down here'”.

  4. Alex Leitch: “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

    I have, in fact, gotten several people to solemnly swear that, should they be alive and I dead, they will deface my final resting place with a sandblaster and this slogan, etching it in permanent, terrible, drunken graffiti for all time. Or at least until someone else buys the plot.

  5. Here Lie the Earthly Remains of
    Holly von Winckel
    born 2 February 1974
    uploaded 5 November 2047
    May her long-awaited cybernetic body serve her well.

  6. Here lies Alex
    born 1983
    buried 2088
    in her Cadillac.

    Here lies Alex
    If the Ancient Egyptians were right
    about the afterlife, she’s screwed.

    Here lies Alex
    She asked to be cremated
    but we wanted to see
    how her zombie turned out.

  7. I’ve always wanted.

    Please move, you are standing on my face
    He really should have just asked “what’s this button do?”

  8. Brian
    1961 – 20xx
    “Hey, who turned out the lights?”

    I told this to a group of friends. NONE of them appreciated it. I was bummed.

  9. “Here lies Serena Lewin- FINAL-FUCKING-LY!!!”

    “Here lies Serena Lewin, not much different from when she was alive”

    “Here lies Serena Lewin, as obscure as she can get”

  10. “Here is where David would lie if he weren’t cremated and thrown on Steve Buscemi”

    actually working on getting this put into my will.

  11. Wiredwizard
    Victim of the Great Zombie Uprising of 2010
    If sighted, please return to grave for refund

    C4 apparently wasn’t the answer

    May Unholy Cthulhu Show Him Mercy
    & Swallow His Soul Without Chewing

    Damned Martians!

    Death By Dalek – 2010

  12. Here lies Nhat 1981 – 20XX, Champion of Justice, Defender of Freedom and the American Way.. until he turned evil.

    At least until it will be revealed it was this is his clone all along that did all those evil things.

  13. After Peter O’Toole’s wife sent his favourite leather jacket (one that had been through various drunken stress tests) to a dry cleaners, it came back with a notice pinned to the collar: “It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”
    O’Toole decided there and then that it “would do” for his epitaph.
    Now I’m thinking about it, too!

  14. Here lies Nolan

    His dying wish was to be stuffed and mounted in Disneyland as a singing animatronic. So much for dreams coming true.

  15. Euel Ball
    1960 – 2030
    2032 – 2037
    2043 – 2065

    Pray to whatever God or Holy power you believe in that he stays here.

  16. Here lies Dartigen, and probably several others.

    Here lies Dartigen. We think.

    Dartigen 1993-20xx
    INKYv2 2010-20xx
    ARGUS 2009-20xx
    Waiting for response from host…

  17. BTW, my all-time favorite real-world epitaph is one I discovered on a junior-year field trip to Graceland Cemetery in Chicago:

    ονε φοοτ ιν φαιριελανδ

    As it happened, I knew the Greek alphabet, and when I saw it I did a double-take, intuiting immediately that though the letters were Greek, the words weren’t.

    Trying to trace the source of the phrase led me to interesting literary works by Eleanor Farjeon and G.K. Chesterton. Now THAT is a powerful epitaph.

    (BTW, the epitaph belongs to J. Roderick MacArthur. It’s right next to the grave of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, whose gravestone is a plain rectangle. Less is more, even in death.)

  18. Dustin Hoffman has said he wants his to be: “I’d like to thank my parents, without whom none of this would have been possible,” which is about the best one I ever heard.

  19. The urge to be different calls:

    Here STANDS Trish.
    Yes, she’s six feet under.
    Well, technically a foot under due to height, but you get the idea.

  20. Jon,
    You win the “obscure reference” category.
    Always leave the switch on More Magic, even if only one wire is attached.

  21. “GAME OVER. Continue? Y/N”

    “Here lies Daryl Resplandor, or at least a reasonable facsimile. Close enough.”

    “HELP WANTED: One (1) person to raise, reanimate and/or revive a body. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx for details.”

    “Oh, so _that_’s what happens when you die. I’ll tell you all about it later.”

    I can’t stop coming up with these things.

  22. Here Lies Bruce
    He should have eaten the red pill

    Here Lies Bruce
    Turns out both cups were poisoned

    Here Lies Bruce
    I’ll get you for this

  23. Here lies Jack Murtha. Please stop pissing all over this grave, you’re affecting the whole cemetery.

  24. “Here’s to you and here’s to me. Best of friends we’ll ever be. But should we ever disagree, fuck you and here’s to .. hey what’s with the gun? Come on dude it’s just a toast!”

    Here lies Bob, our late tombstone engraver.

  25. Here lies Seth MacFarlane. But it’s better than that one time where he had to lie about being a Tibetan monk to get into an Enya concert. Also Star Wars.

  26. Here lies Rod Blagojevich. But for the right price, maybe here lies whoever you want to here lie.

  27. Honestly, I’m just as puzzled as you are…

    Here lies.
    Truth 2 headstones north.

    Do Not Open Until 20XX

    Here lies vvicked
    At least until retconned

    ↑↑↓↓→←→←BA Start

  28. She passed the children’s tricycle
    She passed the cart of hay
    She tried to pass a moving bus
    And then she passed away

  29. Here lies Amanda.
    Got busy dying.

    Here lies Amanda until someone goes back in time and steps on a grasshopper.

    Here lies Amanda because no one would do a “Lenin” for her.

  30. “Here lies luis borjas, awaiting patiently for zombie jesus and the great dawn of dead to overtake and enslave the earth he’ll bring… or, you know, however that Second Coming stuff works…”

  31. I think i’d just like to have a ‘biohazard’ symbol on my gravestone.

    Or maybe something like “Here lies BJN. We didn’t wait to see if he was actually dead.”

  32. Here lies Phil,
    In case the authorities inquire.

    Here lies Phil,
    Shot by a security guard while swapping all the other headstones.

    Here lies Phil,
    Yeah, mom, we buried the Playstation with him.

  33. Vincent Price was once asked what he would like for his epitaph. His reply – “I’m coming back”

  34. Here lies Nick Thayer, mauled by the Giant Rhinoceros in the Sky. His two aunts are very pleased.

  35. Here lies the Lord of Wheat Snacks, “We’re damn sure that’s a lie, a Trevor, that one.”

  36. Several choices… hopefully I have some time to make a decision.

    “Here lies Anthony, or does he?”

    “Anthony Pike. 1984 – 1744. Killed in a horrible time travel accident”

    “Please wake when the zombie apocalypse starts.”

  37. Robert Vincent Burr
    1983 – 2XXX


    (and since you probably don’t know latin, it means “the just fate of the foolish”)

  38. After Peter O’Toole’s wife sent his favourite leather jacket (one that had been through various drunken stress tests) to a dry cleaners, it came back with a notice pinned to the collar: “It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”O’Toole decided there and then that it “would do” for his epitaph.Now I’m thinking about it, too!

  39. Here lies an unknown person, found holding a frozen tuna and surrounded by 43 dead terrorists. A true patriot who saved the city using only a dead tuna as a weapon. Too bad we have no clue who they are.

  40. Here lies Vaguely Artistic
    1965-2013-1977-Present Day
    She is now in heaven with her friends.
    Or back on the island.
    Or in purgatory.
    Or never existed.
    Ah, fuck it.

  41. I’d like to include a reference to some as-of-yet-but-surely-will-be developed technology, just so that at some point somebody would say “All this time we’d believed that transporters didn’t exist until the early 2100’s, and yet HERE is a tombstone where the guy died from a routine transporter accident in 2010!”.
    You know, just to fuck with the future historians and all.

  42. Here lies Lars A.
    We buried what pieces we could find.

    Here lies Lars A.
    This gravestone paid for by the Bunny Ranch for our most valued customer.

    .enihcaM sdrawkcaB eht fo rotnevnI
    .A sraL seil ereH

    If this grave appears empty or recently disturbed, please notify the CDC at 555-OUTBREAK.

  44. * Fade from black A face shrouded in shadow appears. *

    “Hello is this thing on? … Ah, good. Greetings people of Earth. My name is Tim; well my last name isn’t important. If you’re watching this sometime in the past six months I have passed away. May I rest in peace.”

    “You may be wondering why this is relevant to you. It’s quite simple really; most people are only really remembers for a few decades after they death at best before slipping into obscurity. I wish to avoid this fate, and still be talked about for centuries or even millenia to come.”

    “To that end I have constructed twelve nuclear warheads and positioned them in orbit. In 48 hours one [figure holds up one finger] of these missiles will be fired at one of twelve major cities.”

    * A list of twelve cities including Tokyo, Paris, Moscow, Los Angeles, etc are displayed with approximate populations, and also Latitude-Longitude. *

    “You can choose which one. Simply go to and vote for the city you would like to see destroyed. Every IP address in the world will receive one vote.”

    * Change back to the shadowy face. *

    “Please note that if less than one million votes are received, or if the site is taken down all twelve warheads will be deployed.”

    “Thank you and good bye.”

    * Fade to a stock image of a nuclear explosion. *

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