[[A banner at the top reads: Something for all - except those without the means]]
[[A banner lower down reads: "SHOULD YOU COAL-POWER YOUR LIFE?"
Many municipal power plants already use coal to generate electricity. Some enterprising folks have had the clever idea to eliminate the middleman and consume coal directly, using it to power home appliances, vehicles, pets, plants - anything in need of energy. Can this be done feasibly and safely? We have investigated, and the answer appears to be NO. Absolutely not. The notion is ridiculous.
Coal in the home. The family in question had attached turbine-boilers to every device in the home: toasters, refrigerators, can-openers &c. What reports fail to mention is that the lady of the house works in a factory where the small boilers are manufactured. She acquires them at a steep discount. This is clearly out of range for the average family.
Coal-powered vehicles. It also turns out that the man of the house is an auto mechanic specializing in absurd "pimptastic" modifications! This is hardly repeatable.
Coal-powered pets. What are you talking (Text block cuts off here)]]
[[A block at the bottom reads: ""--BOTTOM LINE--", with some aspects of coal-powering your life outlined underneath:
THE CONVERSION. Is impossible. Don't even try it.
ENERGY SAVINGS. How would you even calculate that.
CARBON FOOTPRINT. Are you listening. Coal is made of carbon.
FISCAL IMPACT. It would cost literally millions of dollars.
RESALE VALUE. Of what? The house? The cars? Pets? NO
POTENTIAL PITFALLS. Handling coal will give you finger cancer]]
{{Alt-text: Next Issue: Ten Ways to get Soot out of Pet Fur-- Because You Had to Go Ahead and Try It}}