Here lie most of the biggest remaining chunks of David Malki !

With reference to today’s comic — a few weeks ago, Boston hosted a marathon epitaph-writing session between myself, Joey & Emily, Ryan, Randall, and Kris. Some of my favorites (that I can remember):

~ Here lies Emily Horne, or at least her most recent host body
~ Here lies Joey Comeau, or at least someone wearing his face
~ Here lies Randall Munroe and the items his atoms have been fused with
~ Here lies Ryan North, PROVEN WRONG FOR ONCE
~ Here lies Kris Straub / 1979-2004, 2005, 2007, 2010
~ David Malki ! / 1980-2005 / 2010-

What’s your epitaph? Leave a comment and share!

  • Jon

    RIP Jonathan Shepherd: If only someone had told him not to switch it to “Magic”.

  • Jack Bauer

    Dustin Hoffman has said he wants his to be: “I’d like to thank my parents, without whom none of this would have been possible,” which is about the best one I ever heard.

  • quiktekk

    The urge to be different calls:

    Here STANDS Trish.
    Yes, she’s six feet under.
    Well, technically a foot under due to height, but you get the idea.

  • Anita

    Anita Belcast

    “I made it!”

  • Joe B

    Here lies Joe B. That took longer than expected.

  • ctd

    You win the “obscure reference” category.
    Always leave the switch on More Magic, even if only one wire is attached.

  • Daryl Resplandor

    “GAME OVER. Continue? Y/N”

    “Here lies Daryl Resplandor, or at least a reasonable facsimile. Close enough.”

    “HELP WANTED: One (1) person to raise, reanimate and/or revive a body. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx for details.”

    “Oh, so _that_’s what happens when you die. I’ll tell you all about it later.”

    I can’t stop coming up with these things.

  • El Zoof

    Here Lies Bruce
    He should have eaten the red pill

    Here Lies Bruce
    Turns out both cups were poisoned

    Here Lies Bruce
    I’ll get you for this

  • Your Mom

    Here lies Jack Murtha. Please stop pissing all over this grave, you’re affecting the whole cemetery.

  • Your Mom

    Here lies Ted Kennedy. Yes we know, we laughed pretty hard too.

  • Your Mom

    “Here’s to you and here’s to me. Best of friends we’ll ever be. But should we ever disagree, fuck you and here’s to .. hey what’s with the gun? Come on dude it’s just a toast!”

    Here lies Bob, our late tombstone engraver.

  • Your Mom

    Here lies Seth MacFarlane. But it’s better than that one time where he had to lie about being a Tibetan monk to get into an Enya concert. Also Star Wars.

  • Your Mom

    Here lies Erick Erickson. But you shoulda seen the census worker!

  • Your Mom

    Here lies Rod Blagojevich. But for the right price, maybe here lies whoever you want to here lie.

  • Vvicked

    Honestly, I’m just as puzzled as you are…

    Here lies.
    Truth 2 headstones north.

    Do Not Open Until 20XX

    Here lies vvicked
    At least until retconned

    ↑↑↓↓→←→←BA Start

  • Sharon B

    She passed the children’s tricycle
    She passed the cart of hay
    She tried to pass a moving bus
    And then she passed away

  • Amanda

    Here lies Amanda.
    Got busy dying.

    Here lies Amanda until someone goes back in time and steps on a grasshopper.

    Here lies Amanda because no one would do a “Lenin” for her.

  • SuperMoose

    “She tried it at home.”

  • Massa

    ‘I drank what?!’

  • lfborjas

    “Here lies luis borjas, awaiting patiently for zombie jesus and the great dawn of dead to overtake and enslave the earth he’ll bring… or, you know, however that Second Coming stuff works…”

  • AMK

    These things happen, I suppose.”

  • BJN

    I think i’d just like to have a ‘biohazard’ symbol on my gravestone.

    Or maybe something like “Here lies BJN. We didn’t wait to see if he was actually dead.”

  • BJN

    What about “Look behind you.”?

  • Phil

    Here lies Phil,
    In case the authorities inquire.

    Here lies Phil,
    Shot by a security guard while swapping all the other headstones.

    Here lies Phil,
    Yeah, mom, we buried the Playstation with him.

  • Dave

    Can I get my deposit back?

  • Dave

    I can see my house from here!

  • Dave

    Vincent Price was once asked what he would like for his epitaph. His reply – “I’m coming back”

  • Dave

    Her lies Werner Heisenberg – but not right now.

  • Rick

    Rick ~ He wasn’t much good at sticking around ~

  • Devin

    Devin Dart: Not Immortal

  • Liyana


    Waiting to respawn in 10…9…

  • Nick Thayer

    Here lies Nick Thayer, mauled by the Giant Rhinoceros in the Sky. His two aunts are very pleased.

  • boozerpro


  • Jenna

    Here lies the body of a wandering soul.

  • KT. Jr

    Here lies the Lord of Wheat Snacks, “We’re damn sure that’s a lie, a Trevor, that one.”

  • Dragonhaunt

    Several choices… hopefully I have some time to make a decision.

    “Here lies Anthony, or does he?”

    “Anthony Pike. 1984 – 1744. Killed in a horrible time travel accident”

    “Please wake when the zombie apocalypse starts.”

  • ThatNimrod

    Robert Vincent Burr
    1983 – 2XXX


    (and since you probably don’t know latin, it means “the just fate of the foolish”)

  • falkin42

    Here lies Jeff, who really wanted to meet you and your beard in Austin last weekend.

  • falkin42

    but forgot.

  • stu

    Here lies Stu. No solicitors, please.

  • Mark

    Here lies Mark/
    Never go against a Sicilian/
    When death is on the line

  • Dave

    “Don’t touch my stuff”

  • R Graham

    Here lies R Graham. Not always right, but always damn sure

  • R Graham

    Wait a minute…I’m almost finished

  • Jasen Godish

    After Peter O’Toole’s wife sent his favourite leather jacket (one that had been through various drunken stress tests) to a dry cleaners, it came back with a notice pinned to the collar: “It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”O’Toole decided there and then that it “would do” for his epitaph.Now I’m thinking about it, too!

  • arensb


  • braak

    Here lies Chris Braak.
    OR DOES HE!?!?!?
    (Yes, he does.)

  • Rick

    “Here lies Rick Austin. Yes, that was his real name; no, he was not a porn star.”

  • this-is-fish

    Here lies an unknown person, found holding a frozen tuna and surrounded by 43 dead terrorists. A true patriot who saved the city using only a dead tuna as a weapon. Too bad we have no clue who they are.

  • Vaguely Artistic

    Here lies Vaguely Artistic
    1965-2013-1977-Present Day
    She is now in heaven with her friends.
    Or back on the island.
    Or in purgatory.
    Or never existed.
    Ah, fuck it.