Here lie most of the biggest remaining chunks of David Malki !

With reference to today’s comic — a few weeks ago, Boston hosted a marathon epitaph-writing session between myself, Joey & Emily, Ryan, Randall, and Kris. Some of my favorites (that I can remember):

~ Here lies Emily Horne, or at least her most recent host body
~ Here lies Joey Comeau, or at least someone wearing his face
~ Here lies Randall Munroe and the items his atoms have been fused with
~ Here lies Ryan North, PROVEN WRONG FOR ONCE
~ Here lies Kris Straub / 1979-2004, 2005, 2007, 2010
~ David Malki ! / 1980-2005 / 2010-

What’s your epitaph? Leave a comment and share!


^ 109 Comments...

  1. Chris W

    Here lies Chris W.
    He’s definitely dead this time.
    We made sure.

  2. Fernando Irías

    If I get into coma: “Here lies Fernando Irías, still resting in peace after his 10 years coma.”

    If I commit sucide: “Here lies Fernando Irías, succeeding at least once.”

    Any other case: “Here lies Fernando Irías, he deserved this.”

  3. Kelly

    There’s always the Oregon Trail classic: “Peperony and chease.” But I think my favorite is the one my sister wants: “Well, this sucks.”

  4. ZI

    I’d really like to have a sad smiley somewhere on my gravestone. :-(

    Perhaps in conjunction with “Zeke Iddon – awaiting zombification” or “Here lies Ze…’ewww guys there’s worms down here’”.

  5. DocN

    I don’t want a tomb so much as a sarcophagus. With the inscription “DANGER! Extreme Radiation!”
    Doc.

  6. Joshua A.C. Newman

    Joshua A.C. Newman
    Light Fuse and Get Away.

  7. Alex Leitch

    Alex Leitch: “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

    I have, in fact, gotten several people to solemnly swear that, should they be alive and I dead, they will deface my final resting place with a sandblaster and this slogan, etching it in permanent, terrible, drunken graffiti for all time. Or at least until someone else buys the plot.

  8. spinn
  9. spinn

    </geek>

    though in theory an actual geek might’ve known how to put brackets in a wp comment, I suppose

  10. Chuck

    Here lies Chuck, immortalized as proving final the red wire, green wire debate.

  11. Laura Y.

    Laura Yona: She made mistakes, but she made them well and enjoyed them all thoroughly.

  12. Robust McManlyPants

    I recently decided that I want mine to read, “HE KNEW THE RISKS”. I could settle for, “ETERNAL OPTIMIST, ALWAYS LOOKING UP”.

  13. MichaelG

    Michal R.I.P.
    Born 1966 to loving Parents

    Died 2066 Shot by a jealous Husband

  14. Steve Hill

    “I told you I was Ill”

    (Stolen from the late great Spike Milligan.)

  15. Holly

    Here Lie the Earthly Remains of
    Holly von Winckel
    born 2 February 1974
    uploaded 5 November 2047
    May her long-awaited cybernetic body serve her well.

  16. Candy Schneider

    “Here lies Candy, minus her underpants.”

  17. Karl

    “Hoist on his own petard.”

    or

    “Here lies Kurt Hamburger. Except on full moon lit nights.”

  18. Chris M.

    “Here lies Chris / He tells the truth over there, though.”

  19. Rosscott

    Here lies Rosscott. Died in a flying car incident.
    1983 — 20XX

  20. Neurocistance

    Here lies Neurocistance
    TTL Exceeded

  21. Alex

    Here lies Alex
    born 1983
    buried 2088
    in her Cadillac.

    Here lies Alex
    If the Ancient Egyptians were right
    about the afterlife, she’s screwed.

    Here lies Alex
    She asked to be cremated
    but we wanted to see
    how her zombie turned out.

  22. Andrew

    I’ve always wanted.

    Please move, you are standing on my face
    or
    He really should have just asked “what’s this button do?”

  23. Denis J Calarco

    Here Lies Denis J Calarco
    “Please do not drag your ass across my grave.”

  24. Brian

    Brian
    1961 – 20xx
    “Hey, who turned out the lights?”

    I told this to a group of friends. NONE of them appreciated it. I was bummed.

  25. Jamie

    Here lies Jamie, stay down this time.

  26. Brendan

    “Here lies Brendan Adkins, probably.”

  27. Art kenney

    “Immortal ’til the day he died.”

  28. Serena Lewin

    “Here lies Serena Lewin- FINAL-FUCKING-LY!!!”

    “Here lies Serena Lewin, not much different from when she was alive”

    “Here lies Serena Lewin, as obscure as she can get”

  29. Richy

    “For Science!”
    or
    “That was totally worth it!”

  30. Dan

    Here lies Dan Roman.
    No wait, he’s in the next one over, who the hell is this, then?

  31. kyknoord

    A holiday, at last! Bit warm, though.

  32. David

    “Here is where David would lie if he weren’t cremated and thrown on Steve Buscemi”

    actually working on getting this put into my will.

  33. Asia

    Was Brian’s comment a Doctor Who reference?

  34. Wiredwizard

    Wiredwizard
    1970-2010
    Victim of the Great Zombie Uprising of 2010
    If sighted, please return to grave for refund

    Wiredwizard
    C4 apparently wasn’t the answer

    Wiredwizard
    May Unholy Cthulhu Show Him Mercy
    & Swallow His Soul Without Chewing

    Wiredwizard
    Damned Martians!

    Wiredwizard
    Death By Dalek – 2010

  35. Melina

    Brian: YES.

  36. pdunwin

    HE DIED AS HE LIVED

    BORED

  37. Catbus

    “At the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.”

  38. Nhatty

    Here lies Nhat 1981 – 20XX, Champion of Justice, Defender of Freedom and the American Way.. until he turned evil.

    At least until it will be revealed it was this is his clone all along that did all those evil things.

  39. Jon P

    Here lies the body of Jonathan Pound
    Lost in space and never found

  40. Joel W

    Six feet below/
    The ground on which you stand/
    Lies Joel Wilson/
    A most kind and gentle man/
    Now get the **** off me.

  41. Mal

    After Peter O’Toole’s wife sent his favourite leather jacket (one that had been through various drunken stress tests) to a dry cleaners, it came back with a notice pinned to the collar: “It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”
    O’Toole decided there and then that it “would do” for his epitaph.
    Now I’m thinking about it, too!

  42. Joe

    My favorite of all time comes from Dinosaur Comics:
    Here lies T-Rex SURROUNDED BY HIS VICTIMS

  43. Mahlen Morris

    Mahlen Morris
    1964 – 20xx
    End of File

  44. Nolan

    Here lies Nolan

    His dying wish was to be stuffed and mounted in Disneyland as a singing animatronic. So much for dreams coming true.

  45. Euel Ball

    Euel Ball
    1960 – 2030
    2032 – 2037
    2043 – 2065

    Pray to whatever God or Holy power you believe in that he stays here.

  46. baraga

    That’s brilliant. I think I’m stealing yours.

  47. dartigen

    Here lies Dartigen, and probably several others.

    Here lies Dartigen. We think.

    Dartigen 1993-20xx
    INKYv2 2010-20xx
    ARGUS 2009-20xx
    Waiting for response from host…

  48. Catbus

    BTW, my all-time favorite real-world epitaph is one I discovered on a junior-year field trip to Graceland Cemetery in Chicago:

    ονε φοοτ ιν φαιριελανδ

    As it happened, I knew the Greek alphabet, and when I saw it I did a double-take, intuiting immediately that though the letters were Greek, the words weren’t.

    Trying to trace the source of the phrase led me to interesting literary works by Eleanor Farjeon and G.K. Chesterton. Now THAT is a powerful epitaph.

    (BTW, the epitaph belongs to J. Roderick MacArthur. It’s right next to the grave of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, whose gravestone is a plain rectangle. Less is more, even in death.)

  49. Bob

    Nyah Nyah I Beat You

  50. mike

    RIP Benjamin Button 1998-1921

  51. Jon

    RIP Jonathan Shepherd: If only someone had told him not to switch it to “Magic”.

  52. Jack Bauer

    Dustin Hoffman has said he wants his to be: “I’d like to thank my parents, without whom none of this would have been possible,” which is about the best one I ever heard.

  53. quiktekk

    The urge to be different calls:

    Here STANDS Trish.
    Yes, she’s six feet under.
    Well, technically a foot under due to height, but you get the idea.

  54. Anita

    Anita Belcast

    “I made it!”

  55. Joe B

    Here lies Joe B. That took longer than expected.

  56. ctd

    Jon,
    You win the “obscure reference” category.
    Always leave the switch on More Magic, even if only one wire is attached.

  57. Daryl Resplandor

    “GAME OVER. Continue? Y/N”

    “Here lies Daryl Resplandor, or at least a reasonable facsimile. Close enough.”

    “HELP WANTED: One (1) person to raise, reanimate and/or revive a body. Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx for details.”

    “Oh, so _that_’s what happens when you die. I’ll tell you all about it later.”

    I can’t stop coming up with these things.

  58. El Zoof

    Here Lies Bruce
    He should have eaten the red pill

    Here Lies Bruce
    Turns out both cups were poisoned

    Here Lies Bruce
    I’ll get you for this

  59. Your Mom

    Here lies Jack Murtha. Please stop pissing all over this grave, you’re affecting the whole cemetery.

  60. Your Mom

    Here lies Ted Kennedy. Yes we know, we laughed pretty hard too.

  61. Your Mom

    “Here’s to you and here’s to me. Best of friends we’ll ever be. But should we ever disagree, fuck you and here’s to .. hey what’s with the gun? Come on dude it’s just a toast!”

    Here lies Bob, our late tombstone engraver.

  62. Your Mom

    Here lies Seth MacFarlane. But it’s better than that one time where he had to lie about being a Tibetan monk to get into an Enya concert. Also Star Wars.

  63. Your Mom

    Here lies Erick Erickson. But you shoulda seen the census worker!

  64. Your Mom

    Here lies Rod Blagojevich. But for the right price, maybe here lies whoever you want to here lie.

  65. Vvicked

    Honestly, I’m just as puzzled as you are…

    Here lies.
    Truth 2 headstones north.

    Do Not Open Until 20XX

    Here lies vvicked
    At least until retconned

    ↑↑↓↓→←→←BA Start

  66. Sharon B

    She passed the children’s tricycle
    She passed the cart of hay
    She tried to pass a moving bus
    And then she passed away

  67. Amanda

    Here lies Amanda.
    Got busy dying.

    Here lies Amanda until someone goes back in time and steps on a grasshopper.

    Here lies Amanda because no one would do a “Lenin” for her.

  68. SuperMoose

    “She tried it at home.”

  69. Massa

    ‘I drank what?!’
    Socrates

  70. lfborjas

    “Here lies luis borjas, awaiting patiently for zombie jesus and the great dawn of dead to overtake and enslave the earth he’ll bring… or, you know, however that Second Coming stuff works…”

  71. AMK

    “AMK
    These things happen, I suppose.”

  72. BJN

    I think i’d just like to have a ‘biohazard’ symbol on my gravestone.

    Or maybe something like “Here lies BJN. We didn’t wait to see if he was actually dead.”

  73. BJN

    What about “Look behind you.”?

  74. Phil

    Here lies Phil,
    In case the authorities inquire.

    Here lies Phil,
    Shot by a security guard while swapping all the other headstones.

    Here lies Phil,
    Yeah, mom, we buried the Playstation with him.

  75. Dave

    Can I get my deposit back?

  76. Dave

    I can see my house from here!

  77. Dave

    Vincent Price was once asked what he would like for his epitaph. His reply – “I’m coming back”

  78. Dave

    Her lies Werner Heisenberg – but not right now.

  79. Rick

    Rick ~ He wasn’t much good at sticking around ~

  80. Devin

    Devin Dart: Not Immortal

  81. Liyana

    Liyana

    Waiting to respawn in 10…9…

  82. Nick Thayer

    Here lies Nick Thayer, mauled by the Giant Rhinoceros in the Sky. His two aunts are very pleased.

  83. boozerpro

    “Oops”

  84. Jenna

    Here lies the body of a wandering soul.

  85. KT. Jr

    Here lies the Lord of Wheat Snacks, “We’re damn sure that’s a lie, a Trevor, that one.”

  86. Dragonhaunt

    Several choices… hopefully I have some time to make a decision.

    “Here lies Anthony, or does he?”

    “Anthony Pike. 1984 – 1744. Killed in a horrible time travel accident”

    “Please wake when the zombie apocalypse starts.”

  87. ThatNimrod

    Robert Vincent Burr
    1983 – 2XXX

    FATVM IVSTVM STVLTORVM

    (and since you probably don’t know latin, it means “the just fate of the foolish”)

  88. falkin42

    Here lies Jeff, who really wanted to meet you and your beard in Austin last weekend.

  89. falkin42

    but forgot.

  90. stu

    Here lies Stu. No solicitors, please.

  91. Mark

    Here lies Mark/
    Never go against a Sicilian/
    When death is on the line

  92. Dave

    “Don’t touch my stuff”

  93. R Graham

    Here lies R Graham. Not always right, but always damn sure

  94. R Graham

    Wait a minute…I’m almost finished

  95. Jasen Godish

    After Peter O’Toole’s wife sent his favourite leather jacket (one that had been through various drunken stress tests) to a dry cleaners, it came back with a notice pinned to the collar: “It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”O’Toole decided there and then that it “would do” for his epitaph.Now I’m thinking about it, too!
    +1

  96. arensb

    arensb-Cav-Hum-Mal-Law
    Ascended.

  97. braak

    Here lies Chris Braak.
    OR DOES HE!?!?!?
    (Yes, he does.)

  98. Rick

    “Here lies Rick Austin. Yes, that was his real name; no, he was not a porn star.”

  99. this-is-fish

    Here lies an unknown person, found holding a frozen tuna and surrounded by 43 dead terrorists. A true patriot who saved the city using only a dead tuna as a weapon. Too bad we have no clue who they are.

  100. Vaguely Artistic

    Here lies Vaguely Artistic
    1965-2013-1977-Present Day
    She is now in heaven with her friends.
    Or back on the island.
    Or in purgatory.
    Or never existed.
    Ah, fuck it.

  101. Chirpzilla

    I’d like to include a reference to some as-of-yet-but-surely-will-be developed technology, just so that at some point somebody would say “All this time we’d believed that transporters didn’t exist until the early 2100′s, and yet HERE is a tombstone where the guy died from a routine transporter accident in 2010!”.
    You know, just to fuck with the future historians and all.

  102. Occultette

    Emma H
    1989-2xxx

    Just resting her eyes

  103. Rizz Rustbolt

    Here Lies Rizz Rustbolt: We’re pretty sure she’s dead this time.

  104. Morphine

    Here lies Lars A.
    We buried what pieces we could find.

    Here lies Lars A.
    1980-2100
    This gravestone paid for by the Bunny Ranch for our most valued customer.

    .enihcaM sdrawkcaB eht fo rotnevnI
    0802-0891
    .A sraL seil ereH

  105. Morphine

    PATIENT ZERO
    If this grave appears empty or recently disturbed, please notify the CDC at 555-OUTBREAK.

  106. TimP

    * Fade from black A face shrouded in shadow appears. *

    “Hello is this thing on? … Ah, good. Greetings people of Earth. My name is Tim; well my last name isn’t important. If you’re watching this sometime in the past six months I have passed away. May I rest in peace.”

    “You may be wondering why this is relevant to you. It’s quite simple really; most people are only really remembers for a few decades after they death at best before slipping into obscurity. I wish to avoid this fate, and still be talked about for centuries or even millenia to come.”

    “To that end I have constructed twelve nuclear warheads and positioned them in orbit. In 48 hours one [figure holds up one finger] of these missiles will be fired at one of twelve major cities.”

    * A list of twelve cities including Tokyo, Paris, Moscow, Los Angeles, etc are displayed with approximate populations, and also Latitude-Longitude. *

    “You can choose which one. Simply go to nucleareulogy.com and vote for the city you would like to see destroyed. Every IP address in the world will receive one vote.”

    * Change back to the shadowy face. *

    “Please note that if less than one million votes are received, or if the nucleareulogy.com site is taken down all twelve warheads will be deployed.”

    “Thank you and good bye.”

    * Fade to a stock image of a nuclear explosion. *

  107. Bryoninny

    Here lies Bryoninny
    1984-20XX
    Having a lovely time. Wish you were here!

  108. stu

    Here lies Stu
    “What?”

  109. Emily

    Emma H
    1989-2xxx

    Just resting her eyes