[[DR. CRAIGENSTEIN speaks to young woman JEZEDRINA outside his living quarters.]]
CRAIGENSTEIN: I'm delighted that you will be marrying my daughter--for you and I are kindred spirits! We both do things that benefit the world, but that some people nonetheless insist are somehow improper!
CRAIGENSTEIN: In your case, you manufacture and sell rubber stamps of sports franchise logos, intended for fans of RIVAL TEAMS to use in making their own IMPRINTED TOILET PAPER. Technically, a trademark violation--but a cracking idea, and who does it harm? NO ONE!
CRAIGENSTEIN: As for me--for these last dozen years and three, I have been captain of the Firestorm. My cherished steed!
[[The Firestorm is a shiny jalopy with a large funnel positioned over the hood.]]
CRAIGENSTEIN: She costs NOTHING to operate! And so my family and I have toured the country in her many times!
JEZEDRINA: Oh? How does that work?
[[Dr. Craigenstein is shown puttering along in the Firestorm. Human legs emerge from both the backseat and the funnel-slash-engine intake.]]
SFX: PAPOP PAPOP PAPOP
CRAIGENSTEIN: The Firestorm can run on any organic fuel. But she prefers what I have come to call PEOPSEL--a FULLY RECLAIMED power source requiring NO refinement.
CRAIGENSTEIN: You see, years ago, I registered myself as an official PAUPER'S GRAVE. Each morning I visit a morgue, collect unidentified and unclaimed bodies, and in return for identifying and removing any organs viable for donation, I am allowed to keep the remainder for vehicle fuel.
[[We return to Craigenstein and Jezedrina.]]
CRAIGENSTEIN: And of course I will insist you TAKE OVER the family business. Let's take a ride right now and I shall demonstrate the process. Can those clothes get messy?
JEZEDRINA: Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on HOLD ON. I thought you were a widely sought-after internal medicine specialist...?
CRAIGENSTEIN: Yes, indeed, I am in fact WANTED in SEVERAL STATES.
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