Comic Transcripts

[[DR. CRAIGENSTEIN speaks to young woman JEZEDRINA outside his living quarters.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: I’m delighted that you will be marrying my daughter–for you and I are kindred spirits!  We both do things that benefit the world, but that some people nonetheless insist are somehow improper!

CRAIGENSTEIN: In your case, you manufacture and sell rubber stamps of sports franchise logos, intended for fans of RIVAL TEAMS to use in making their own IMPRINTED TOILET PAPER.  Technically, a trademark violation–but a cracking idea, and who does it harm?  NO ONE!

CRAIGENSTEIN: As for me–for these last dozen years and three, I have been captain of the Firestorm.  My cherished steed!

[[The Firestorm is a shiny jalopy with a large funnel positioned over the hood.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: She costs NOTHING to operate!  And so my family and I have toured the country in her many times!

JEZEDRINA: Oh?  How does that work?

[[Dr. Craigenstein is shown puttering along in the Firestorm.  Human legs emerge from both the backseat and the funnel-slash-engine intake.]]

SFX: PAPOP PAPOP PAPOP

CRAIGENSTEIN: The Firestorm can run on any organic fuel.  But she prefers what I have come to call PEOPSEL–a FULLY RECLAIMED power source requiring NO refinement.

CRAIGENSTEIN:  You see, years ago, I registered myself as an official PAUPER’S GRAVE.  Each morning I visit a morgue, collect unidentified and unclaimed bodies, and in return for identifying and removing any organs viable for donation, I am allowed to keep the remainder for vehicle fuel.

[[We return to Craigenstein and Jezedrina.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: And of course I will insist you TAKE OVER the family business.  Let’s take a ride right now and I shall demonstrate the process.  Can those clothes get messy?

JEZEDRINA: Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on HOLD ON.  I thought you were a widely sought-after internal medicine specialist…?

CRAIGENSTEIN: Yes, indeed, I am in fact WANTED in SEVERAL STATES.

{{header: be useful at WONDERMARK.COM}}

#1445; Combustion à la Pater transcribed by in

[[DR. CRAIGENSTEIN speaks to young woman JEZEDRINA outside his living quarters.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: I'm delighted that you will be marrying my daughter--for you and I are kindred spirits!  We both do things that benefit the world, but that some people nonetheless insist are somehow improper!

CRAIGENSTEIN: In your case, you manufacture and sell rubber stamps of sports franchise logos, intended for fans of RIVAL TEAMS to use in making their own IMPRINTED TOILET PAPER.  Technically, a trademark violation--but a cracking idea, and who does it harm?  NO ONE!

CRAIGENSTEIN: As for me--for these last dozen years and three, I have been captain of the Firestorm.  My cherished steed!

[[The Firestorm is a shiny jalopy with a large funnel positioned over the hood.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: She costs NOTHING to operate!  And so my family and I have toured the country in her many times!

JEZEDRINA: Oh?  How does that work?

[[Dr. Craigenstein is shown puttering along in the Firestorm.  Human legs emerge from both the backseat and the funnel-slash-engine intake.]]

SFX: PAPOP PAPOP PAPOP

CRAIGENSTEIN: The Firestorm can run on any organic fuel.  But she prefers what I have come to call PEOPSEL--a FULLY RECLAIMED power source requiring NO refinement.

CRAIGENSTEIN:  You see, years ago, I registered myself as an official PAUPER'S GRAVE.  Each morning I visit a morgue, collect unidentified and unclaimed bodies, and in return for identifying and removing any organs viable for donation, I am allowed to keep the remainder for vehicle fuel.

[[We return to Craigenstein and Jezedrina.]]

CRAIGENSTEIN: And of course I will insist you TAKE OVER the family business.  Let's take a ride right now and I shall demonstrate the process.  Can those clothes get messy?

JEZEDRINA: Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on HOLD ON.  I thought you were a widely sought-after internal medicine specialist...?

CRAIGENSTEIN: Yes, indeed, I am in fact WANTED in SEVERAL STATES.

{{header: be useful at WONDERMARK.COM}}

the weird thing is, anyone can register as a pauper's grave. it's just a five dollar fee and you get a parking pass in the mail for your pickups

My newest game: Noodle Battle! At PAX!

The past few weeks have been a frenzy of assembling the very laborious, very bespoke first print run of NOODLE BATTLE, the puzzle game I am releasing this weekend at PAX West in Seattle!

PAX has an event called the PNW Tabletop Game Market (Saturday night ONLY), which is a curated selection of short-run games from local designers. As I’ve mentioned in this space before, I applied for a space in this fall’s event mainly as a way to force myself to finish a new game. And here it is!

The drawings are all by Jason Poland, good pal and cartoonist of My Dad Is Dracula. Jason played an early version of this game at Alaska Robotics Comics Camp this spring, and really liked it!

So I said, “Do you want to help me make it?” And so he has! It was his idea to make all the characters fun little animals, and I think it adds a ton of charm.

Because this edition is limited-run, it has been incredibly labor-intensive to make! The boxes and cards were made by a game factory in the usual fashion, but separately. The blank tiles were made by a woodworker dude out of Connecticut. For each game, we have had to:

  • Cut a piece of plastic and install the box window
  • Paint all the tiles, hundreds at a time
  • Apply a sticker to both sides of every tile
  • Apply stickers to the box (we couldn’t get the box back printed in time, so the whole back side of the box is a sticker too)
  • Apply the “Nutrition Facts” sticker, which was a late suggestion by my kid that I just had to run with
  • Fold up the rule sheet (they come from the printer as big strips of paper)
  • Put all the components into the box and seal it all up

I knew it would be a lot of work and would require some inefficient, expensive compromises AND I WAS RIGHT. But the final product is turning out great, which is the important thing!!

I will have 50 copies with me (if all goes well) at PAX, and then between now and the holidays we will be putting together additional copies to round out this first edition.

I will announce additional copies on Patreon first, once they are available online!! And here too, naturally, before long.

You can also sign up here if you’d like me to email you once the game is available online!


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