Comic Transcripts

The Zoological Times Table
And Spotters’ Identification Guide

[[Two sets of 6×6 grids vertically aligned, such that the first row (1-5, 6-10) and column (A-E, F-J) of each grid displays the silhouettes of five mostly-honest animals, and the remaining 25 squares house the products of the animals whose row or column coincide, as in a true multiplication table. The top left corner square of each grid names the animals on the left column, and a legend along the right of the grid names the animals on the top row, as well as the names of each chimaera.]]

[[First Grid]]
VERTICAL COLUMN: 1. Hawk. 2. Wild Narwhal. 3. Tortoise. 4. Giraffe. 5. Piranha.
A. Mouse. B. Mean Squid. C. Ape. D. Locust OR Grasshopper. E. Housecat.

A1. Moosehawk. [[a moose with a hawk’s head and hawk’s feet]] B1. Squawk. (doubles as call) [[in flight, its tentacles trailing behind]] C1. Hape. [[an ape with a hawk’s head and span]] D1. Hawkhopper. [[hawks wings adorn Dali’s lifelong terror]] E1. Hawkat. [[a hawkat]]

A2. Moosewhal. [[an antlered narwhal]] B2. Squidwhal. [[a tentacled narwhal’s head]] C2. Narwhape. [[a narwhal with powerful strutters]] D2. Narwhopper. [[a hopper with a fluke and unicorned antennae]] E2. Catwhal. [[a catwhal]]

A3. Moortoise. [[an antlered tortoise with legs that go for miles]] B3. Shelled Squid. [[instead of a carapace, a prehensile forest of tentacles dangles abyssward]] C3. Tortape. [[tortoise with strutters]] D3. Tortust. [[a hopping plague tortoise]] E3. Armadillo. [[Dasypus novemcinctus]]

A4. Girmoose. [[a moose banned from the Olympics]] B4. Squiraffid. [[a floating neck that feeds from below]] C4. Aperaffe. [[the perfect fusion of grace and pugnaciousness]] D4. Girocust. [[hopper with extended swiveling neck that acts as a periscope for no reason]] E4. Something from a Miyazaki film.

A5. Piranhamoose. [[awesome]] B5. Piranhasquid. [[twice the aquadynamic design, squared the ingrained meanness]] C5. Piranhape. [[a proud matriarch]] D5. Pirhanahopper. [[a plague force to be reckoned with]] E5. The saddest thing.

[[Second Grid]]
VERTICAL COLUMN: 6. Nice Squid. 7. House Narwhal. 8. Camel. 9. Bat. 10. Flamingo Pete.
F. Rhinoceros. G. Walrus. H. Eagle. I. Common Horse. J. Bull Elephant.

F6. Squidoceros. [[a rhinoceros head feeling its way through the world]] G6. Walrusquid. [[front for chomping, rear for gesticulating]] H6. Squeagle. [[head of a squid, body of an eagle]] I6. Squorse. [[squalloping majestically across the abyssal plain]] J6. Squelephant. [[an elephant’s head, drifting along peacefully]]

F7. Rhinwal. [[front of a rhino, rear of a cetacean]] G7. Walrwhal. [[a walrus with the monodirectionality of a narwhal]] H7. Narwheagle. [[body of a narwhal, on freedomsoarers]] I7. Real Unicorn. [[a unicorn]] J7. Narwhelephant. [[a narwhal with stompers]]

F8. Rhimel. [[a camel with chargers]] G8. Camwhal. [[chompers flippers humpers blubbers this guy’s got it all]] H8. Cameagel. [[a desert hippogriff]] I8. Hormel. [[a humpy horse]] J8. Camelephant. [[a camel under the divine inspiration of Ganesha]]

F9. Rhinbat. [[a rhino with nightflappers]] G9. Batrus. [[a walrus with nightflappers and nighthearers]] H9. Beagel. [[A malcontent if there ever was one.]] I9. Horbat. [[A horse with nightflappers]] J9. Batlephant. [[the silent trumpeter]]

F10. Rhinmingo. [[a pair of titanium stilts]] G10. Flahrus. [[a walrus with unusual feeding habits]] H10. Flameagle. [[not that unlikely really]] I10. Flamequus. [[front of a horse, rear of a flamingo twice its size]] J10. The best thing I’ve ever seen, bar none, and I’ve seen Mount Rushmore. [[a detachable elephant]]

FOOTER TEXT: Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to reprint this chart from the Journal of the Institute for Absurd Ideas, Volume CXVII, No. 14

{{alt-text: Any of these creatures can be made at home with the simplest application of a store-bought adhesive and a bit of romantic music.}}

The Zoological Times Table transcribed by in

The Zoological Times Table
And Spotters' Identification Guide

[[Two sets of 6x6 grids vertically aligned, such that the first row (1-5, 6-10) and column (A-E, F-J) of each grid displays the silhouettes of five mostly-honest animals, and the remaining 25 squares house the products of the animals whose row or column coincide, as in a true multiplication table. The top left corner square of each grid names the animals on the left column, and a legend along the right of the grid names the animals on the top row, as well as the names of each chimaera.]]

[[First Grid]]
VERTICAL COLUMN: 1. Hawk. 2. Wild Narwhal. 3. Tortoise. 4. Giraffe. 5. Piranha.
A. Mouse. B. Mean Squid. C. Ape. D. Locust OR Grasshopper. E. Housecat.

A1. Moosehawk. [[a moose with a hawk's head and hawk's feet]] B1. Squawk. (doubles as call) [[in flight, its tentacles trailing behind]] C1. Hape. [[an ape with a hawk's head and span]] D1. Hawkhopper. [[hawks wings adorn Dali's lifelong terror]] E1. Hawkat. [[a hawkat]]

A2. Moosewhal. [[an antlered narwhal]] B2. Squidwhal. [[a tentacled narwhal's head]] C2. Narwhape. [[a narwhal with powerful strutters]] D2. Narwhopper. [[a hopper with a fluke and unicorned antennae]] E2. Catwhal. [[a catwhal]]

A3. Moortoise. [[an antlered tortoise with legs that go for miles]] B3. Shelled Squid. [[instead of a carapace, a prehensile forest of tentacles dangles abyssward]] C3. Tortape. [[tortoise with strutters]] D3. Tortust. [[a hopping plague tortoise]] E3. Armadillo. [[Dasypus novemcinctus]]

A4. Girmoose. [[a moose banned from the Olympics]] B4. Squiraffid. [[a floating neck that feeds from below]] C4. Aperaffe. [[the perfect fusion of grace and pugnaciousness]] D4. Girocust. [[hopper with extended swiveling neck that acts as a periscope for no reason]] E4. Something from a Miyazaki film.

A5. Piranhamoose. [[awesome]] B5. Piranhasquid. [[twice the aquadynamic design, squared the ingrained meanness]] C5. Piranhape. [[a proud matriarch]] D5. Pirhanahopper. [[a plague force to be reckoned with]] E5. The saddest thing.

[[Second Grid]]
VERTICAL COLUMN: 6. Nice Squid. 7. House Narwhal. 8. Camel. 9. Bat. 10. Flamingo Pete.
F. Rhinoceros. G. Walrus. H. Eagle. I. Common Horse. J. Bull Elephant.

F6. Squidoceros. [[a rhinoceros head feeling its way through the world]] G6. Walrusquid. [[front for chomping, rear for gesticulating]] H6. Squeagle. [[head of a squid, body of an eagle]] I6. Squorse. [[squalloping majestically across the abyssal plain]] J6. Squelephant. [[an elephant's head, drifting along peacefully]]

F7. Rhinwal. [[front of a rhino, rear of a cetacean]] G7. Walrwhal. [[a walrus with the monodirectionality of a narwhal]] H7. Narwheagle. [[body of a narwhal, on freedomsoarers]] I7. Real Unicorn. [[a unicorn]] J7. Narwhelephant. [[a narwhal with stompers]]

F8. Rhimel. [[a camel with chargers]] G8. Camwhal. [[chompers flippers humpers blubbers this guy's got it all]] H8. Cameagel. [[a desert hippogriff]] I8. Hormel. [[a humpy horse]] J8. Camelephant. [[a camel under the divine inspiration of Ganesha]]

F9. Rhinbat. [[a rhino with nightflappers]] G9. Batrus. [[a walrus with nightflappers and nighthearers]] H9. Beagel. [[A malcontent if there ever was one.]] I9. Horbat. [[A horse with nightflappers]] J9. Batlephant. [[the silent trumpeter]]

F10. Rhinmingo. [[a pair of titanium stilts]] G10. Flahrus. [[a walrus with unusual feeding habits]] H10. Flameagle. [[not that unlikely really]] I10. Flamequus. [[front of a horse, rear of a flamingo twice its size]] J10. The best thing I've ever seen, bar none, and I've seen Mount Rushmore. [[a detachable elephant]]

FOOTER TEXT: Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to reprint this chart from the Journal of the Institute for Absurd Ideas, Volume CXVII, No. 14

{{alt-text: Any of these creatures can be made at home with the simplest application of a store-bought adhesive and a bit of romantic music.}}

Any of these creatures can be made at home with the simplest application of any store-bought adhesive and a bit of romantic music.

The Zoological Times Table

  — February 4th, 2014

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My newest game: Noodle Battle! At PAX!

September 2, 2026 by David Malki !

The past few weeks have been a frenzy of assembling the very laborious, very bespoke first print run of NOODLE BATTLE, the puzzle game I am releasing this weekend at PAX West in Seattle!

PAX has an event called the PNW Tabletop Game Market (Saturday night ONLY), which is a curated selection of short-run games from local designers. As I’ve mentioned in this space before, I applied for a space in this fall’s event mainly as a way to force myself to finish a new game. And here it is!

The drawings are all by Jason Poland, good pal and cartoonist of My Dad Is Dracula. Jason played an early version of this game at Alaska Robotics Comics Camp this spring, and really liked it!

So I said, “Do you want to help me make it?” And so he has! It was his idea to make all the characters fun little animals, and I think it adds a ton of charm.

Because this edition is limited-run, it has been incredibly labor-intensive to make! The boxes and cards were made by a game factory in the usual fashion, but separately. The blank tiles were made by a woodworker dude out of Connecticut. For each game, we have had to:

  • Cut a piece of plastic and install the box window
  • Paint all the tiles, hundreds at a time
  • Apply a sticker to both sides of every tile
  • Apply stickers to the box (we couldn’t get the box back printed in time, so the whole back side of the box is a sticker too)
  • Apply the “Nutrition Facts” sticker, which was a late suggestion by my kid that I just had to run with
  • Fold up the rule sheet (they come from the printer as big strips of paper)
  • Put all the components into the box and seal it all up

I knew it would be a lot of work and would require some inefficient, expensive compromises AND I WAS RIGHT. But the final product is turning out great, which is the important thing!!

I will have 50 copies with me (if all goes well) at PAX, and then between now and the holidays we will be putting together additional copies to round out this first edition.

I will announce additional copies on Patreon first, once they are available online!! And here too, naturally, before long.

You can also sign up here if you’d like me to email you once the game is available online!


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