Writing: The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility

Another in the ‘Rejected by McSweeney’s’ category. I actually wrote this about six years ago, for a Film History class if you can believe it, so I’m not too surprised by the rejection.

The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility

This affadavit is hereby submitted to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, regarding certain statements made by members of the Workers’ Confection Legion and Lollipop Guild and Elks Club, Munchkinland Local #281, where two individuals, a Mr. Dweeble Tootlepop and a Mr. G. Norbert Wankenpuff (heretofore referred to as the ACCUSED), on the twenty-third of May of this year, erroneously represented themselves as valid representatives of the L.G. Local #281. Despite claims made by the Accused, statements made by the Accused on the date in question were most emphatically NOT made on behalf of the President or Board of Directors of the L.G. Local #281, nor the majority of the Guild’s members.

On the date in question, the Accused approached a Ms. Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, where the L.G. Local #281 has no representation, whether Guild membership or co-op Guild presence, and in unison declared:

“We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild; we represent the Lollipop Guild, and welcome you here to Oz.”

It is clear that the Accused fully intended to represent themselves as duly appointed spokesmunchkins for the L.G. Local #281, and as such, with deliberate intent to deceive and mislead, made statements clearly meant to represent the President, Board of Directors and membership of the L.G. Local #281 when, in all fact, they do not.

Not to say that the L.G. Local #281 and its appropriately appointed officers do not wish to express their well wishes to Ms. Gale; rather, there are channels specifically suited to the conveyance of such communication, very carefully structured so that the wrong impression is not given. The L.G. Local #281 has long endured a harsh legacy of prejudice and ill feeling due to unsubstantiated claims of products involving alleged health hazards and marketing to minors, and as a result of such an unfortunate history has to be very careful with regard to who is allowed to speak for the Guild and even then, such statements must be carefully screened and monitored to ensure that all messages are in concordance with the true wishes and best interests of the President, the Board of Directors and the membership of the L.G. Local #281.

Due to the unfortunate events of the twenty-third of May, the individuals Accused have been placed on Guild probation until further notice. On behalf of the L.G. Local #281, we hereby declare to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, that the matter of this incident has been duly dealt with internally as the President, the Board of Directors and the membership of the Guild see fit; additionally, should there be any external repercussion later with respect to the untoward behavior of the Accused, the L.G. Local #281 at this juncture formally absolves itself, its President, its Board of Directors and its membership of any connection to or affiliation with the statement in question, the intent behind such, the Accused who inappropriately delivered it, or any consequences of such an unauthorized statement being made at this or any time.

No action on the part of the Almighty Oz is necessary nor warranted at this juncture. There is no need to schedule any surprise health inspections for Guild member confectionaries. In recognition of the Almighty Oz’s consideration in this regard, the L.G. Local #281 has enclosed a treat basket. The lollipops within contain legally acceptable levels of rat droppings. Enjoy with our compliments.