Be specific with your goals: Content, relaxed, productive, AND piloting a rocketship.
#828; In which Willis is not Helping




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MISSIVES. (see all)

Wondermark is now on GoComics!

Go Go Wondermark Comics

I’m pleased to announce that starting this week, Wondermark will be running three times a week at GoComics.com, online home of a bajillion newspaper and newspaper-style comic strips.

Nothing will change here — I’ll still be posting new content like usual. The GoComics version of Wondermark will be a TIME MACHINE, starting with the very first Wondermark strip (originally published on this website back in 2003) and marching forward at a steady pace from there, slightly faster than real time.

I think whis will be interesting for several reasons!

Firstly, there is a decent amount of topical humor buried in the ol’ archive that might end up unearthed and reheated. It’s one thing to read, say, a MySpace joke in a book collection, or on an archive page on a site, where its original context is clear. (In my books, I include a “Topical Reference Explanatory Index” as an aid to any reader from a future beyond our own.)

I recognize, though, that that hypothetical MySpace comic may read differently to someone encountering that strip as a “new” post on GoComics! MY GENIUS SOLUTION FOR THIS PROBLEM IS: Not to actually worry about it, or alternately, to find it hilarious.

Secondly, and maybe more interestingly, I made the earliest Wondermark comics OVER THIRTEEN YEARS AGO. I was much younger then, and maybe not as good a writer (opinions differ), and definitely not as experienced a visual designer.

I don’t mind the material being rough-edged in its youth — that’s part of the charm, after all — but I am enough of a nitpicky perfectionist to want to spend a couple minutes brushing off the dustiest bits and straightening a lapel or two.

The most obvious of these little touch-ups is fixing lettering errors:

I have GOT to stop redoing decades-old work

In this panel from Wondermark’s second episode ever, the original version (at left) has the word balloon cutting off the nightstick for no reason, and it also uses the wrong “I”. (In comic lettering, the pronoun “I” should be rendered with crossbars; other instances of the capital letter I are not.)

I didn’t get that right in all the early comics, and while I don’t know that I’ll go back and obsessively fix everything that strikes my now-wizened eyes as wrong, I did feel compelled to spit-shine at least the first handful of strips. You can see in this one that I also added a suggestion of a shadow/horizon, and increased the contrast a bit for a sharper, more handsome image. I also went on to give the character an elaborate backstory that no one will ever know but me, and I’m quite satisfied to have done so.

What’s dumb, though, is that I already re-lettered that strip, in 2005, for my very first book The Annotated Wondermark (now out of print). My very first (2003) versions of the first hundred strips or so were done at web resolution, using Comic Sans. I know!!!

In order to be able to make that book, I had to go back and recreate all those comics from scratch, using new higher-resolution scans and a better typeface. But looking back now, a decade later, I notice how in some of the cobwebby corners where no one ever looks, the workmanship is a B+ job.

I tried my best, but then I got better than that.

The first comics I made are very unsophisticated. I made the first twenty in an afternoon, just trying to feel out the format. All through the first couple of years, I would just write anything, because why not, nobody was reading anyway.

But now, in looking back at the earliest comics with the realization that, for some people, those early strips will be their first exposure at all to Wondermark, I found myself reliving a little of the silliness and glee with which I first began banging images against each other to see what kinds of sounds they made.

For this new venture, I am allowing myself the luxury of editing dialogue that I find just too cringeworthy to stand behind anymore: for example, episode one’s “genital warts” has become, on GoComics at least, “private pox”, which may not be much of an improvement but does at least represent taking a half second to consider the tone I prefer the strip to take as a whole.

I also replaced dialogue in episode four (appearing on GoComics on Monday) that related to a private in-joke I no longer recall the meaning of, which didn’t make sense to anyone then, hasn’t made sense to anyone over the last 13 years, and wouldn’t make sense to a new reader now. There’s all kinds of weird little wrinkles like that in the archive — I can tease out little references to jobs I had at the time, or people that I no longer know; and I also sigh, just a bit, reading snark that a younger version of me wrote and published, snide takes hot off a 22-year-old dome that don’t hold up under much scrutiny.

It’s hard for me not to fixate on wanting to go back and perfect everything. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with revisiting one’s work in this way — the eternal question of George Lucas aside — but I do think falling into the well of doing so can become a time sink, in return for not much added value.

It’s fine to think your early stuff isn’t that great, because how else can you be sure you’ve grown since then? There are some jokes in the early years (and in the middle years, and in the later years) that I wouldn’t make again today.

But there were also others that leveled me up, unlocked things in the development of my voice, conceptual islands that couldn’t have been arrived at without laying stepping stones down first. Whatever else I may have managed over 1200+ episodes, I’ve tried to avoid letting it get too easy.

I think it’ll be fun to replay that evolution again, this time at 150% speed with perhaps a few of the worst clunkers chiseled off, as a new set of people watches it start from something coarse and refine into something with a distinct sensibility. I might even be able to tell what folks end up thinking about it, because unlike the comic entries on this site, GoComics has a comment section. Which, full disclosure, I have seen get cuckoo bananas on some other strips.

If you’d like to stroll down Wondermark Lane with me and the cuckoo-bananas crew, check out gocomics.com/wondermark, where we’ll be posting classic episodes from the vault every Monday, Wednesday and Friday until the sun burns out and abandons us all to a lonely, shivering doom. Or until I run out of material! Whichever comes first.



Here Is The Little Mermaid ‘Kiss the Girl’ Minor Key Cover You Didn’t Know You Wanted

Here it is. (by Chase Holfelder)

Previously: Here Is The Soulful Acoustic Smash Mouth Cover You Didn’t Know You Wanted



Five Improved Bicycles: A Patent Trawl

White dudes.

The bicycle is one of the most common inventions in the world. Some of us see hundreds of them every day! Others of us stare constantly at one specific bicycle, lonely in the corner of our living room, silently judging us as we get into our car each morning.

And yet, most of the bikes we see day-to-day are very similar. Bicycle design has seemed to reach a general consensus culture-wide. But the bicycle we consider typical today was once known as the “safety bicycle”, presented as an alternative to the much more perilous penny-farthing:

…that class of bicycles or velocipedes called safety, in which the wheels are nearly or quite of equal size, the object being to facilitate easy steering and at the same time to prevent the front wheel from swerving from side to side as power is applied to the pedals, this fault being common to machines of this class. — Gearbox patent application, 1888

Of course, there do remain variations in the bikes of today — there are recumbent bikes, and tall bikes, and little clown bikes. Smart people have figured out how to make collapsible bikes, or bikes grown out of bamboo. Individual components of the bike have been iterated upon and improved over time.

But what radical improvements in whole-bike design have yet to catch hold with the world at large? Having had great success with my prior research into improved forks, I decided to put random cycling-related words into Google’s patent search database until I could answer this question.

Here are the results.


IMPROVED BICYCLE 1.
Lean velocipede, U.S. Pat. No. 3,860,264 (1975)

Big Wheel, Small Market

CLASSIFICATION:
• Tricycles

This is a design patented by Mattel in the seventies. Here’s their pitch:

DESCRIPTION OF THE PRIOR ART

Numerous types of three-wheeled toy velocipedes are well known. For the most part, such velocipedes, or tricycles, are propelled by means of a pair of pedals mounted on the front wheel and are steered by means of handlebars which control the front wheel.

While small children quickly master the operation of such standard tricycles, they experience great difficulty in attempting to operate a unicycle.

Thus, the majority of small children are limited to riding tricycles, yet remain fascinated by a unicycle because it may be propelled and steered without the use of one’s hands.

This is a tricycle that works like a unicycle with training wheels. (Which, by the way, also exist, in many different forms.) It solves the pressing problem of…children not knowing how to ride unicycles, I guess?

You can buy this exact Mattel invention, right now, for seventy bucks plus shipping (or, I guess one of you can, and the rest of you will have to weep over the lost opportunity):

Buy It Now

GRADE: C+. Half unicycle/half tricycle just averages back out to a bike.


IMPROVED BICYCLE 2.
Systems and methods for combination scooter and pogo stick, U.S. Pat. No. 8,226,094 (2012)

LOOKS LIKE FUN, KIDS!!!

CLASSIFICATION:
• Bicycles without a seat, i.e. the rider operating the vehicle in a standing position, e.g. non-motorized scooters; non-motorized scooters with skis or runners

This, my good friends, is a combination scooter and pogo stick.

DETAILED DESCRIPTION

…The present disclosure combines the functionality of both pogo sticks and scooters into one single device. […]

When the user wishes to use the combination scooter and pogo stick as a scooter in “scooter mode” to horizontally or laterally traverse flat or inclined surfaces, the user simply arranges the scooter board portion horizontally and has the stubbed bottom portion stick out horizontally and not contact the ground… The user may also hold on to the handlebars to facilitate horizontal or lateral movement once moving with the combination scooter and pogo stick in “scooter mode”.

When the user wishes to use the combination scooter and pogo stick as a pogo stick in “pogo stick mode” to traverse vertical obstacles, move vertically, or to jump up and down in a vertical motion, the user arranges the scooter board portion vertically, latches the scooter board in securely with a holding member, and holds onto the handlebars and uses a spring as well as the stubbed bottom portion to jump up and down in a vertical motion.

The inventor has also provided the following handy flow chart, for all your many pogo scooting needs. It may come in handy when using the pogo scooter to “traverse vertical obstacles” as the inventor intended.

this scooter is totally impossible for any pogo.

I put up that exact flow-chart on my basement wall using index cards and yarn, just to confuse people in case I ever become a serial killer.

GRADE: C-. Really missing the background information that explains how existing inventions cannot adequately answer the needs of the modern pogo-scooter enthusiast. I mean, it’s obvious to me and to everyone reading, but it needs to be in the record.


IMPROVED BICYCLE 3.
Self-propelled unicycle engagable with vehicle, U.S. Pat. No. 9,211,932 (2015)

LET'S GO 1-WHEELIN'

CLASSIFICATION:
• Cycles not otherwise provided for

(This is a U.S. patent, but I had to look up the images in the parallel Chinese patent application.)

This does not actually look like a bicycle in the traditional sense. But that’s okay! We’re examining IMPROVED bicycles, and what could possibly be more of an improvement to the lowly bicycle than this, which I believe is something out of Akira?

But this rad-looking device isn’t here in the patent application all by itself. What’s being patented is a unicycle “engagable with vehicle.”

What could that mean? Let’s consult the patent document:

BACKGROUND

…Packaging bicycles in or on a vehicle during transportation creates difficulties, especially with relatively small vehicles. An interior of a vehicle may be reconfigurable, e.g., seats may be folded, to accommodate a bicycle in the interior of the vehicle.

However, the bicycle disadvantageously consumes valuable interior space of the vehicle and can disadvantageously move within the vehicle during unexpected acceleration or deceleration.

Bicycles can alternatively be stored on an exterior of a vehicle during transportation. For example, after-market racks are available for mounting to vehicles and supporting one or more bicycles.

However, these after-market racks are expensive to purchase. Assembly of the after-market rack to the vehicle and assembly of the bicycle onto the rack is also disadvantageously time consuming. The rack and the bicycle also disrupts airflow around the vehicle during travel, thereby disadvantageously decreasing fuel economy of the vehicle.

Accordingly, there remains an opportunity to design a device for multi-modal transportation that is easily and compactly integrated with the vehicle. (Emphasis added)

To summarize: It’s good to have both a big vehicle (car) and a small vehicle (bike), but what if there were a better way to transport the two things together? That is, rather than having to shove a bike into or on top of the car, or (they don’t mention this option specifically) towing the car around with your bike?

HERE…

IS THEIR ANSWER

h-how do you take it off?

What is claimed is: a self-propelled unicycle for selectively engaging the suspension system for use with the vehicle and selectively disengaging the suspension system for independent use…

Let me reiterate that: This anime-style scooter IS ALSO A WHEEL OF YOUR CAR. It’s easy to transport because you can’t drive off without it.

I look forward to the day when disengaging a wheel from your car is preferable technology to a car-mounted bike rack.

Who’s behind this particular innovation? Who was the patent granted to?

Why, it’s FORD GLOBAL TECHNOLOGIES LLC.

Just you wait. This is going to be an available feature on the 2028 Focus.

So, do they expect that you’ll park your car, unhook this weird unicycle machine and zip off, leaving your car sitting there looking like the Google parking lot is suddenly a really bad neighborhood?

For the answer, let’s look at the document’s caption to the image above that shows the car:

FIG. 1 is a perspective view of a vehicle with four self-propelled unicycles engaged with a suspension system of the vehicle.

Easy as pie.

It’s not a unicycle hooked up to a car. It’s a car riding on four unicycles.

GRADE: B-. This is absolutely an improvement on the humble bicycle. Unfortunately, it’s being developed by Ford, so we know they’re gonna screw it up.


IMPROVED BICYCLE 4.
Monocycle, U.S. Pat. No. 2,107,766 (1938)

I can't tell if that's one man leaning back and forth or if this is the passenger model

CLASSIFICATION:
• Unicycles

This totally looks like something that would have been invented in 1938. The image is a bit of a mess, so let’s see what clarity we can gain from the description:

Okay but lines 1-33 are SUPER CLEAR though right?

It goes on like this for a few pages. Until, the handy summation:

OBVIOUSLY.

Ah. Of course.

GRADE: D+. A little too similar to that one South Park episode for comfort.


IMPROVED BICYCLE 5.
Simple Bike, U.S. Pat No. 4,653,767 (1987)

X MARKS THE SPOT

CLASSIFICATION:
• Cycles convertible to, or transformable into, other type of cycle or land vehicle

Finally: what is this little tiny thing? Is it supposed to be a compact, collapsible bike? Is it a collapsible little tiny circus bike? A collapsible little tiny circus bike that a clown would ride around?

Let’s review the patent:

SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION

A principal object of the present invention is to provide a two-wheeled bicycle that can be easily disassembled so as to form a standard, one-wheeled paddle bike and the other a separate unicycle.

Another object is to provide a simple bike which, when fully assembled, serves as a bicycle for an individual, but when disassembled, provides a separate vehicle for each of two friends to use at the same time.

WAIT

WHAT

when disassembled, provides a separate vehicle for each of two friends to use at the same time.

LOOK AT THAT THING. Go back, scroll up and look at that picture again.

Picture hanging out at the quad with your friend.

Picture unfolding your Simple Bike.

“I guess I’ll just walk to class,” says your friend, glum.

“Wait,” you say, and you unlock the Simple Bike’s two independent components.

Your friend smiles the biggest smile you’ve ever seen.

“Do you want the standard, one-wheeled paddle bike,” you say with a grin, “or would you prefer the separate unicycle?”

“You choose,” says your friend, and the two of you ride off to class together.

squeeka squeeka squeeka squeeka squeeka squeeka squeeka squeeka

GRADE: A+. Rush this into production immediately.

Previously: Improving the Fork