001001; murder is confessed hey dean, how's it going? dean ah, you know, wife's giving me trouble. still? don't tell me it's the genital warts again. dean nothing so simple, i'm afraid. i killed her mother. ... and i was on my way to ask for her casserole recipe. thanks for nothing. dean hey, thanks for letting me borrow that topical cream, by the way. lots more fun when he got it back, it had crusty stuff all up in the nozzle 002002; a lawman makes a decision - everyone stay calm, the traffic lights will be... - back... - i have got to stop drinking. children laugh at i picked the wrong day to quit sniffin' glue 003003; a scotsman proves resourceful - that's it! i'll tolerate your lively piping no longer! - come on, stan. show some tolerance for those whose interest may differ from yours. after all, isn't that what makes the world special? - i guess you've got a point... - sucker. no lobsters were harmed at the button was cleverly camouflaged to seem like just another rock 004004; the lost become found - it's crusting already, be dry soon. are you lost? - well, you juice is all over my map. - not my fault... this guy lookslike he knows the area. - hey, you! grandpa! which way to new jersey? - i'm walkin' here, ya dumb kids! can't you look where you're going? get outta here! [sign] newark - i guess we're here, then. - a lesser man would have just pointed. find your way at wait, what juice 005005; riches are pondered - morning, darryl. how goes the latest money-making scheme? - not great, emperor. and yourself? - meet my partner, chief squirting elk. we've got a sure-fire plan to make a million bucks an hour! - how. - and a greeting to you as well, chief! - no, i mean how the hell you gonna swing that, paleface? get rich quick at note the little valve on the barrel 006006; cindy muses on privacy - but above all else, james is certainly the nosiest man i know. - hey! i am not! it can all be yours at and by the way, your diary entry from last thursday misspelled 'ingratiating!' 007007; inequality is acknowledged james looks through a spyglass at chief squirting elk james i see you! i see you! i see you! chief squirting elk do you also the mountain of injustice perpretrated by the white man upon my kind? james i see you don't pay taxes on casino money. chief squirting elk yeah, that's pretty sweet. rake it in don't tell me you're still sore over a couple of lousy blankets 008008; friendship is spurned - for too long has my people's voice gone unheard! for too long has the earth cried out with grief for the souls of my ancestors! - i, too, have been disenfranchised by the white man! - i thought we could, you know... - what do you want, a medal? sing your praises at this is a very serious issue and i'll thank you not to make light of it 009009; bargaining occurs - that's it... slowly... i said slowly, not dawdle! - now take off your - agk - he strikes quickly, without warning! - he has the strength of ten men. - ten times the price. i chafe easily. ten times the love at she was sassier when she had a hat in the old version 010010; power is exercised - crash!! - what was that? - excuse me, sisters, but my airplane seems to - - eek! a man! shield your eyes! - no, wait - - bazap - well, now you've done it. look at him. - sorry. force of habit. give your all at if you don't notice the pun i think it's actually funnier 011011; correspondence is written - dearest john, i write this not because i have any great desire to correspond with you, not yo hear from you... - ...but rather because i happened to have a little ink left in my pen after composing a journal entry. - so don't take this letter as an indication of any sentiment on my part, good or ill, although i suppose i hope that you... - now what? indulge your checkered past at why is he writing a dear john letter 012012; dental hygiene plays a role - and then i'd slowly remove - - you've got a little, uh, a little something... - what? something like in my teeth? - yeah, it's just a piece of... what'd you have for lunch, black corn? - how about now? - little to the left. no, my left... man, it's really wedged in there. - you're ruining the moment. - i think i see some broccoli too. what, did you pack a lunch for later? sacrifice at black corn is better than yellow corn because of affirmative action 013013; an interruption occurs a little girl sits by a window, reading a big book. an elephant tumbles through the window. the elephant regains his composure and rides away on his velocipede. the girl keeps reading her book. elephant sorry about that. girl i should think so. chow down man, nimble 014014; matter is combusted - this one gets great mileage... it runs on "wood gas," meaning any organic fuel. - organic fuel? - sure. see, i can feed it this dead cat, and it'll purr like a kitten. pardon the expression. - it just goes right in here - aah! it's got my tie! aarrgghhh! - papop papop - that does sound nice! browse awhile at the diesel engine was designed to run on peanut oil 015015; events conspire for ill - is that a lighthouse? - no sir, this is a steering wheel, or what we call a "tiller." - i think that's a ship, but ships are normally salted with cheddary ridges! - maybe i'm thinking of "chips"? no, that was that erik estrada show. now i'm really confused. - crash! - last two survivors get to repopulate the planet! that's the rule, i didn't make it up. - let's get to land and then we can talk about it, okay, mom? apologize profusely at nobody remembers larry wilcox 016016; a task proves difficult - if you keep moving, this is going to take all day. earn some wiggle-room at nervousenergynervousenergynervousenergy 017017; breeziness is a factor - can we move yet? it's getting very drafty over here. - i don't know about you, but i've got all day. cheer yourself on at holding still can be a challenge 018018; an offer is made - free tibet! - free tibet! - about this free tibet... - plus $8.95 shipping and handling. recycle at hello, china? i have something i think you'd be interested in 019019; further developments regarding the offer - free tibet! - free tibet! - free tibet, you say? - with purchase of equal or greater value. keep on keepin' on at that's right ... all the tea 020020; an heirloom is coveted - of course i'll marry you, darling! and the serenade was very romantic! - speaking of which, payment is due when service are rendered. - oh, jeez. will you take a check? - you'll have to take it up with the guys. - is it an out of town or starter check? - that's a nice rolex. be a shame if anything were to happen to it. - you guys were getting paid?! bang the drum slowly at nobody ever accepts starter checks. so really, what's the point? 021021; tastes are broadened - is this a new soup recipe? this is the best soup you've ever made! - thanks, but i can't take all the credit... i've been ordering specialty meats based on some suggestions i got on the internet. who would have thought strangers would be so helpful? - is this where we drop off the medical testing waste? i got me some bunnies what couldn't take no more shampooin'. - get in line. head 'em off at used to be 'alternative weeklies' but that's sort of an obscure term 022022; control is wrested - hey! get off of my cannon! - but i wanted to play! - the cannon is a deadly device! it means power! let me tell you something about cannons and power... - whoever has the cannon, has the power! now i'm not gonna - - blam! - my bad, i thought he was a deer. - accidents happen. spook the horses at hey, whose cannon? 023023; a child is threatened - hey mister! you wanna see some nasty pictures from my dad's anatomy book? - what happened to your arm? - i'll tell you - as punishment for showing grown-ups ugly pictures of naked diseased people, i hereby shove this rusty nail into your arm. - so what are you saying? - the rusty nail is real life's spam filter. hold still. inherit a fortune at actually lockjaw would be a pretty good control for children 024024; factors public health - quick! don't ask questions, just hide me! - you there! have you seen my son go by? he's infected by a terrible virus that will kill one-third of the earth's population, making five-eights of those remaining lactose intolerant while granting amazing super-powers to a quarter of the remainder! - well, come on, then, either you've seen him or you haven't. - wait, no, start over. i was always bad at math. run for your life at ooo, spooky forest 025025; daniel faces danger - well, this is quite a pickle. good thing i have my old magic lamp with me! - someone rub my lamp? - winston churchill? can you get me home? - he said get him home, not gramophone. get outta here. - is there anyone else i can talk to? - you seem to be yanking on zat rope kind of hard. - as soon as i get home i'm getting a refund for this lamp. escape at that's freud at the end there, in case you couldn't tell 026026; gambling is referenced - man, this comic strip is lame. - you're probably too stupid to see all the layers of meaning. - i don't get it. - here, i'll read it and explain the nuances. - maybe it's just lame. - can't be. they wouldn't publish it. - why does heathcliff need a bookie? - god, you're stupid. things aglow at president garfield was about 15 when wuthering heights was published 027027; trouble becomes double - ...and so once you write that letter of apology to mrs. crabtree, your chores will be done and you will have paid off the repairs. - consider yourself lucky to have gotten off so easy. - oh, yes, absolutely! - dear mrs. crabtree, i'm sorry for spilling ink on your new desk. i sold a kidney to pay for the refinishing, because hey, i've got two, right? for sale by owner at it was ... a ... a squid! 028028; justice is served warmly - you brought this on yourself, ivan. you're a blight on the face of humanity. - throw the switch. - bzzap - let death be a lesson to you. - a crispy, tasty-smelling, probably-delicious lesson. think twice at next time he'll consider the possible flame-broiled consquences of rash action 029029; punishment is meted out - why it's absolute rubbish! complete trash! there's nothing redeeming about it at all! - your work is absolutely the vilest filth i have ever seen! who would pose for this garbage? - only a very dirty girl, that's who! i think someone needs a spanking! - me! speak the truth at since you like it so much, the price just doubled 030030; truth is ill-received - whatcha thinking about? be honest. - be honest? - cindy from the express lane at ralph's. man, she is one stone cold super-fox. - sometimes i overstock my cart just to make her yell at me... her cries of desperate futility are so hot. - close your eyes. - i'm so glad you wanted to be honest and open with one another! - i have a surprise for you. - i hope it's cake! build trust the backbone of marriage is about to get a shiv shoved through it 031031; overtones are present - so what'd you think of your first day as a blacksmith? - seems okay. my shoulder's a little sore. - get used to it. i've got some ben-gay if you want any. - thanks. i'm all right. - you sure? after work, sometimes the guys go down the street, have a few drinks, you know? - then some of us crash in a hotel room, help each other with the ben-gay, see what happens... - come on, man, it's my first day! explore yourself at blacksmiths are so gay 032032; a coup is risked - soaring above the pitiful world below, i am undisputed master of all i survey! - hear me world! look to the skies to find your ruler! i will not be trifled with! - you heard me! - i think that guy did, anyway. fly, fly away at actually that guy did not hear him 033033; death is blatantly welcome hey mister, whatcha doing? waiting for the sweet release of death. without my josie, my life is without purpose. so here i lie, waiting for the darkness to reunite me with her. to the world, i'm dead already. that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. you're crushing my trachea! dead guys can't talk, silly. bargains galore at what our hero doesn't know is that josie was acutally a man 034034; civility is valued "yours truly, blah blah blah, etc." now read it back to me. "to whom it may concern at noon tomorrow, my plague will begin to infect the entire city. unless, of course..." new paragraph... "unless ten billion dollars is deposited into the following swiss bank account." i don't know, it's sort of cold. maybe make it "warmest regards." the hills are alive at print out a list of cities, it's worth a try 035035; opinions prove flexible hey ruth, guess what? you finally dumped that bum husband? you wised up to how he runs around town cheating on you? you found him in bed with the maid so you beat him silly? you're beginning the healing process without him? you don't need a man to make you feel whole inside? actually, we're going on a second honeymoon to paris! oh, how fun! have a good time and tell him i said hi! stamp your passport at take lots of pictures 036036; a gambit pays off - hah! that's checkmate! - i am the master of the ultimate game of strategy! you owe me your allegiance, as well as the twenty bucks promised earlier! - what do you have to say for yourself? besides requesting an autograph? - i'm not sure if jumping knights with your emperor is allowed in regulation play. - king me, beeyatch! stake a gambit at kerry gasparov at the top of his form 037037; poultry is referenced think of something. i'll read your mind. okay. guess what? chicken butt? no. many more mysteries to ponder at it's always chicken butt umm... wait, no. it was chicken butt. 038038; dialect is adopted - whassup, homes! - nuttin', fool, jes' chillin'. - yeah, i feel you, dawg. - uh, guys... - fool be keepin' it real. - fo' sheezy. - i'm not with you guys. speak truly at don't worry, they are just rehearsing a play 039039; indecency is suggested hey, this paper printed my obituary! that's weird. and the date on this paper is tomorrow! that's right! turn around and see what justice your evil has earned you! i'm not going to turn around. maybe i'm naked. happier times at maybe! 040040; bobby causes awkwardness - hey, chief. i'm looking to score some peyote? - how dare you make assumptions about me based on my race! i have no idea how to obtain illegal substances, and i'm offended by the very notion! - but what about the tv ads? and billboards? and omnipresent radio spots? you sell drugs! - sir, you're clearly mad! dude shut up shut up - you know, "i'll beat anyone's advertised price or your peyote is freeee!!!" - ixnay! ixnay! see the future at furthermore, i am appalled that anyone would require chemical aids to achieve euphoria 041041; assassination is plotted - i don't know but i've been told - cheese is worth its weight in gold - but don't let it get too old - unless you like the taste of mold - i'm thinking the one on the left first. two in the chest and one in the forehead. take out the queen, and the colony dies, right? - you've got some kind of weird growth on your neck. you should really get that checked out. ferment at i think the tree is a nice touch 042042; mario proves insensitive - join the army! travel the world! - meet exciting, diverse people, and kill them! - that's not original! i've half a mind to sue you for plagiarism. - you heard that somewhere. where did you hear that? - i'm deaf, you insensitive prick. be all that you can be at technically, he would have to bring a suit on behalf of the copyright holder 043043; propriety is abandoned - join the army! - where do i sign up? - i'm a man. - whoa, hey. i was totally lost in your eyes. die for your country at don't ask, don't tell 044044; urges are indulged - whatcha reading? - you know, your holiness, you could get in a lot of trouble for looking at pictures like that. - oh, go away. don your linen ephod at to muslims, any artistic depiction of a living thing is haraam 045045; geo-politics stymy [sign war is not the answer] - okay, i'll bite. - so what's the answer, if not war? - i asked you a question. - i heard you. speak your peace at in fact, the issue is more nuanced than it has been portrayed in this comic 046046; a horse flies on a skateboard excuse me! have either of you seen a horse around here lately? he took my magic skateboard, but he can't fly it with those hooves! this surely spells chaos! i'd find cover, if i were you. magic... shh, honey, that's just crazy edna. don't make eye contact. mommy! i flew too high!! sweet goodies for you at icarus + equus = icareq 047047; laughing-gas features - oxygen intolerance? - nitrous oxide. you want a hit? - depends. is there slobber all over the valve? breathe deeply at even laughing gas cannot make him forget the memory of his dead children 048048; joviality proves unwise - jim, my man! how's everything? wife? kids? - whoo! smells like you just befouled your pants! - you didn't, did you? - depends. - depends, like it depends, or depends, like the adult diaper? - well, you startled me. take your time at sequential poop comic #1 (of 2) 049049; majesty is trivialised and then this sucker jumped out of the tree right at me -- and then what? and then he knocked me down, whango! i just crapped my pants. wowie! i don't blame you, grandpa! that sounds like what mom calls a prayer moment! once i wet myself when i found a hobo in a church! no, i mean right then when i said "whango." i just crapped my pants. you're the coolest grandpa ever! relax at sequential poop comic #2 (of 2) 050050; nausea overtakes two - what's wrong with him? - oh, he's just upset because he's lost his mitten. - have you seen it? it's gray, and all overed in vomit... - i don't feel good - it's gray, fuzzy, and it's got a white spot on its tail. - tail? - did i say mitten? i meant kitten. - i have to go. - it's called a ferret! binge and purge at ferrets are illegal where i live, probably for just such a reason 051051; man's creator is dissed [sign god is love] - hey there, little buddy! whatcha got there? - a bible! - that's great! you reading that bible every day? memorizing it? - you betcha! - what's your favorite verse? - malachi 13! - "i have hated esau; i have made his hill country a desolation, and his heritage a deset for jackals." - i like your sign. it's so quaint! - don't you have homework to do? believe at look it up 052052; a hasty union is reconsidered - and how was your day today? - piss off! - did they give you trouble at the dmv? - red nose on, bugger off, then! - i don't even know what that means. - oh, swallow a bullet, will you? do us a favor. - you are, without doubt, the worst mail-order bride i've ever had. - sod it! sign for your package at in case you're wondering, there have been eleven 053053; soup is made - whatcha making? soup? - sure. little girl soup. - what's in that? - you know. sugar, spice. the usual. - stop teasing me. it's not nice when you tease. - i'm dead serious. - man, what a weird iron chef ingredient. ladle up a bowl at chairman kaga's gone too far 054054; dentistry is practiced - sah hah bahd ihssit, theh, dahc? - ahyah gannah havvah obbawayt? - shh, be still. i'm trying to constipate. - sawwah. - dih yuh sah tryyih tah cahstahpay? - doo or doo not. there is no try. open wide at that is why you fail 055055; a demand may yet be honored - hidden away in this isolated barn, you must submit to my every whim! - i shall bring you a typewriter. tomorrow you shall - - who's there? is somebody back there? i swear i can hear something. hello? - it sounded kinda human... but that's crazy! - let me fetch my hacksaw of doom, and then we'll see who's crazy! - man, finally some peace and quiet. i thought that nag would never leave. if i could feel my legs, this would be perfect. make your mark at a brief respite from misery 056056; a book eats a man - check out all these cool books i found! - i'm afraid i shan't, dear boy. i don't care much for books. - why? did a book eat your mom or something? - i just don't care to have an inanimate object tell me what to think. - oh. 'cause this book ate my mom. - that a fact? - aieee!!! - blech! find me a girl scout to cleanse my palate! - but now i'm hungry! - burp the rainbow ends at i hate books so much 057057; preparedness is celebrated - fifty percent chance of rain. - hey, you're preaching to the choir, buddy. cover up at give a warm wondermark welcome to special guest star dumb donald 058058; a good time is had by some - whoooaaahhh... - yeeaahh!!! - when does this become fun, exactly? - dude, this is awesome! lose control at whoooooaaaahhh 059059; an honest effort is mocked - what is this? some kind of fungus? - don't think so. too many tentacles. - i'll bet it's some new slime mold. - no, i think it's actually sentient! - or was, before its grisly murder. - ha ha. so your dad cooks for once. give him a break. -there's no way you can call this cooking. - so it's a little al dente. - my eye! it burns! plenty of pies at next week, on martha stewart living 060060; parental prerogative is exercised - ya dah tee... - shoobidy bap bap... - what are you breaking this time? - just breaking into song! bah dum dee doobee... - top o' the world, ma! - get in the trunk. impenetrable night at that's always your answer! 061061; death seems certain - please, o guru, my mother has been to every healer in the yellow pages. can you do anything? - why, of course. - i meant to help her. - oh. trust your instincts at cool bike though 062062; tobacco is enjoyed - you know, i don't think you show me very much respect. - my stars! please accept my heartfelt apologies! - that was really nice. thanks. - that was a test, you racist bastard. prove your worth at surgeon general's warning consumption of tobacco products may complicate pregnancy 063063; amourous intent factors - what up, girlfriend, you wanna get a little freaky up in this? - don't gimme all that! i ain't your ho! - oh, girl, i'm jes playin, you know it. - why you always gotta be clownin? you and that stoopid pony! - a man's ride is a potent symbol of his virility. - i don't know if potent is the right word. - what up, girlfriend, you wanna get a little freaky up in this? pimp your ride at on the misty mores of misenmarch the mimsy maves be mired 064064; efforts are rebuffed - hello, may i speak to primary telecom decision maker in the house? - i'm afraid he's tied up right now. - sir, are you happy with the service from your long distance provider? - i don't make any long distance calls. - sir, i'm trying to save you up to eight cents a minute. - do you know that i've only ever me one person who will actually listen to me when i speak? - is there anyone else i can talk to? - it's for you. - mrmff. spend your daytime minutes at at&t stands for american telephone and telegraph. because telegrams are such an important part of our communications infrastructure 065065; a corpse is complimented - what a tragedy. there lies a great man. - what are you talking about? - he killed all those children! and those he didn't kill, he maimed! and what about all the kittens he nailed to that fence? - nice looking corpse, though. - oh, yeah. i'll give you that. practice your parlor tricks at i did the embalming myself with this handy home kit 066066; ben acts intrusively - honey, what do you want more than anything in the world? - i don't know! can i ask for anything? - sure, anything at all. - wow, geez. world peace could be nice, or one of the segway scooters... - although what i really want is for ben to give back our bathroom key. - girl, it ain't you i'm looking at. scrub 'til you're clean at well, honey, i did give him the key for a reason 067067; brazenness is debated courage, howie. go ahead. drop it in. but what if the thundercats fan-fiction newsletter doesn't feel the same way? i'll be mortified! oh, stuff it. where's your spine? are you tygra or snarf? sigh... and now my hand is stuck. where's panthro when you need him? recite the lyrics at i actually had to google to remember the names 068068; ignorance is claimed - see, my health care is just too important to trust to the guys that run the dmv. - leave it to those guys in washington to bugger it up, am i right? - actually, i wouldn't know. i'm canadian. - oh. - so what's that boxing day thing all about, anyway? - i have no idea. socialize at it's on all the calendars 069069; the claim of ignorance proves false two men sit at a low table. man 1 boxing day in canada is a tradition dating back for thousands of years. man 1 we take all the boxes left over from christmas and pack our children in them for a day. man 1 we pack them in with styrofoam and seal them up with tape for 24 hours. man 1 it's sort of like the opposite of mother's day. man 2 i will never go to canada. fraternize cancel those travel plans 070070; a transaction fails to occur - you there! child! you're blocking my path. i have two sheaves of rabbits due at ihop in twenty minutes. - rabbits? - you need a rabbit baster! i happen to have one. i'll let it go for a thousand bucks. - rabbit baster?! - that's preposterous. more, it's prepondiculous. move aside before i kick your knees out. - are you sure? i really think you'll want it. - move, i say. - i never get tired of the look on their face. ready yourself at how prepondiculous! 071071; telepathy is attempted - hey there, pretty lady. does it turn you on knowing that i can read your thoughts? - your coat is covered in old jelly stains and you breath smells like beef wellington. be still, my heart. and the clincher? i can almost hear the crab lice playing volleyball in your shorts. - i'm picking up some odd energies... - die die die die die die die die die die! - eight-thirty it is! i'll pick you up in my supra. reap the benefits at it actually is a little arousing 072072; a guessing-game is played i'll give you three guesses what's in this barrel. all right. marbles? aah jellyfish get them off get them off aaahhh please god noooo i think he woulda guessed it in two. quick, get his wallet. play to win at his third guess would have been earwigs. that is just the kind of guy he is! 073073; the nuts of a poet suffer injury - ...finally he says, "your hair is like spun gold - and your eyes, like magnificent pools of sapphire sunlight." i didn't know what to say. - and so i just sit there, and he's all "i feel coarse and unworthy in your presence, so i'll just go." this after hours of furtive glances he turns and leaves. -the tragic, unrequited love of a poet. - yeah, totally creepy. so i chased him outside, and just as his eyes lit with hope, i kicked him in the nads in the parking lot. - good girl! today's special is at he'll remain sensitive for some time 074074; thanks are made for nothing - dear aunt mabel, thank you very much for the wonderful black void. - i've put it in my room where its all-encompassing lack of being can hopefully inspire me to clean once in a while! - as utter non-existance goes, i'm glad you went for the medium size. it fits just right in my breakfast nook. say hi to uncle crandall. julie - so what did you get for christmas? - nothing, really. gaze into the abyss at well, it was on sale 075075; a family is callously disregarded - you know, jeeves, i've already broken my new year's resolution. - have you, madam. - i'd resolved to be more socially responsible with my billions, but it just hasn't happened. - surely there's still time? - perhaps. that reminds me. i've evicted your family and bulldozed your house to build a car wash that'll fit my humvee. - but enough about me. did you make a resolution, jeeves? - yes, but it's proving very hard to keep. resolve slowly at we mock the rich but really, they are better than us 076076; deeper issues are only hinted at - this story illustrates exactly how i feel! - so? - so, the only logical explanation is that the publisher is spying on me! watching my every move, sharting my every emotion... my privacy is gone! my civil liberties violated! i hope my hair looks okay. - nobody cares that much about you. - shut up, spy! bleed out at they probably have some kind of graph with all of your moods 077077; vomiting is induced - take a deep breath... - gruaah - let it out, easy does it. - hourakk - calmy, gently. take another breath, easy now. - whoouag - may i say, madam, there are easier ways to dry your nails. - he's trying to vomit my watch back out. - it was shiny! lots more fun at this happens to me all the time 078078; horses struggle with insecurity - uh-oh, here comes martha. don't mention her new implants. - hey, ah, hi, how's it going? - hi, norman! notice anything different? anything special? - um... haircut? - why are you always so mean?! it's people like you that drive people like me to do pathetic things like this! - for once you could have been nice. - come on, man, they're obviously fake. fatten up for winter at why the long face? 079079; bernie is believed to be undead - he looks so natural. - still got good pallor. - man, i'm beat. hey, you got the time? - ahh! the vile undead! - stakes and garlic! fetch me kerosene! - i just lay down for a nap. my head feels like a snail. - i'll call father mulcahey. you fetch the ax! - lord have mercy! - i knew i shoulda slid into the drawer. - we must sift the ashes through water and drink! - i'll get the cy straws! awake at anyone ever put cy straws in the dishwasher? man, bad idea 080080; total recall is alluded to - ah! i see you've fired up the old latex foundry. never too late to take over the family business, then? - gonna go to mars! - barry, you can't sell water balloons to the martians. - the water that scientists have found on mars has been gone for millions of years. also, you appear to be making condoms by mistake. - mars got ladies with three boobs! - once again, i've given you far too much credit. stretch out at also kuato lives 081081; a confrontation occurs - man, i hate coming home for the holidays. first it's some sly comment about my job. and my hobbies. and my friends. - then comes the silence. the implicit judgement. i thought parents were supposed to be supportive. look at them, just waiting to slip in some crack, some dig at the way i've chosen to live my life. - so, ah, john... - frankly, we're a little concerned. we hear you're the delaware decapitator? - and here we go! make headlines at this has happened to me about three times now 081b081b; a confrontation occurs a mustached man sits at a dining table. his mother and father are there as well. man, i hate coming home for the holidays. first it's some sly comment about my job. and my hobbies. and my friends. the man continues thinking. then comes the silence. the implicit judgement. i thought parents were supposed to be supportive. look at them, just waiting to slip in some crack, some dig at the way i've chosen to live my life. father so, ah, john... the mother and father turn to look at john. father frankly, we're a little concerned. father we hear you're the delaware decapitator? and here we go! make headlines this has happened to me about three times now 082082; a child consumes human flesh - whatcha eating? - human flesh. - no, you're not. - medium rare, fresh off the grill. - seriously? - yup. - is it good? - little too much steak sauce. smell the roses at leftovers in the fridge and by the way, where's your brother? 083083; economics factors - spare change, miss? feed a man and his finches for another day? - change comes from within. - all i need is a quarter, if you have it... - but what's in it for me? you're charging money without offering a service. - i beg your pardon? - look, you're going to have a lot more success if you sell something. not just ask for charity. - i'll eat a live finch for a buck. - now you're talking like a capitalist! that'll be fifty dollars, please. wrap it to go at at ihop, ketchup and water and lemons and crackers and ranch dressing are all free 084084; movement is detected only peripherally - listen to this "your book sucks. i checked it out of the library for free and hated it so much i set if on fire." - this guy actually bought a 37-cent stamp to tell me how much he hated my book. the library will buy a new copy, and i'll get the royalties. - it's a good life, having idiots hate you. - my chair moves! pull the lever at my chair also moves 085085; the letter-carrier delivers love - hey, this must be the package jim sent me from his jungle safari! - hrrm? - what's that noise? - help! please! is anyone there? - oh, geez. this better not be what i think it is... - lordy, i'm saved! i'm starved, and badly hurt! - it is. jim sent me a pygmy bride. - o my husband! - gangrene took my fingers... i hope your health care can pay for a helper monkey! - this is what happens when you try to be sarcastic via e-mail. - gah! i've burst my scabs! something for everyone at mail-order bride comic #2 (of 351) 086086; pharmacology factors - easy does it, now... try to to breathe normally. deep breath... hold it. - hsshhpp - i'm beginning to inhale your brain. you might feel light-headed or dizzy. that's normal. some memories will start to fade. i'd advise thinking really hard about your favorites. - ummm... doctor? - shut up! you're ruining my high! - hey! who the heck are you?! clear skies ahead at holistic medicine is really pretty lame 087087; suspicions are validated - giggle giggle - tee hee - shhh! - hey! what's so funny, huh? can't a guy take a shower in peace without allyou yapping away? - we were just discussing your super-sexy tattoo. - ‹ber-manly! - giggle - i copied it from a menu someone hung on my doorknob! i think it's double awesome. - it means "peanut sauce included." - ...and it is. out on bail at true story a guy i know convinced a girl that her chinese tattoo meant "dumb white person" 088088; ty employs questionable methods - my roommate is so rude. there's always these weird noises coming from his room. - well, let's mess that fool all up, yo! - hey, could you guys keep it down? we're trying to torture prisoners with cheese and it's really hard to focus. thanks so much. - jerk. - dude, he gots cheese! brie wheels aplenty at i like a good jack myself 089089; a host acts passive-aggressively - i simply love his velour - i have the best velourist in town - she's built like a buick - i'm built like a corvette - i know, too much salt - hmm, seawater soup - so many zits! - let go of my hand - my twin's got your wallet - that bastard told me it was a costume party the house is a-rockin' at a costume party on the ocean floor 090090; a spirit proves annoying - i think... geez, this is tough. ...i think a spirit is tormenting me. a ghost. - ooo! spooky ghost! i'm so scared! save me! - whoa-oh-oh! i'm a scary ghost! tremble with terror! - o, fear! i'm afraid i shall wet my trousers! - you didn't hear that, did you? - hear what? - bliggity bliggity bliggity boo! find the gatekeeper at that last panel really startled me 091091; sacrifices are made - i don't think i was followed, but i'm not sure... - hold those knees still. - sorry, i'm just a little nervous. - don't be. those guards are dumber than dirt. - um... so how exactly are you going to get me across the border? - won't fit. i say she just won't fit. - we'll have to lose the legs. smuggle at and i don't suppose you'd let me keep them? 092092; lines are drawn - come feel my skin. - no. - just come feel how soft it is. - i absolutely will not. - it's like slippery silk. - that is just nasty. - oh, sure, now it's nasty. - it's always been nasty. -what about the time you swam in this stuff for most of a year? was it nasty then? - amniotic fluid is always nasty. have a sip at who has that much? 093093; a fortress is breached is this 817 newberry avenue? this is zion, o simpleton. thusly have i christened my sanctuary, my ascetic outpost, which secludes me from all worldly cares. for zion, o heathen, is where i deprive myself of every human comfort to more fully understand the deep mysteries of kabbalah. yeah, well, where do you want the christmas tree? hannukah bush! recoil in fear at hey, presents are presents 094094; relative merits are weighed - ten bucks says george here has committed a felony. - twenty on arson! - fifty says homicide or better. - let's see, what did the charge end up being... three counts of aggravated dental sodomy and conspiracy to commit buggery. also, one count of treason. i was young and stupid. - so, what, do i win? - no way, man. i said homicide or better, and that clearly qualifies. - man, i'll say. press charges at dental sodomy has since been legalized in fifteen states 095095; solutions are found - doctor, please, the baby just won't stop crying, night and day! - i've got just the trick! my patented technique. - badoom! - you exploded my baby! - sounds like you want the two for one deal. have another at double coupon day! bring the family 096096; an act has unforseen consequences - ...i think i'm finally ready. - fine, my boy! this is for the record! - any chance the needle might get stuck in the soft tissue of my throat? - slim to none. - id did! id did! - think cobra! think cobra! fly your colors at check your guinness book 097097; a hope is expressed - as you can see, our portable device saves the patient the embarassment and awkwardness of the traditional stirrups and speculum. - i'll begin the exam by inserting a small amount of lubricating paste to help her open and allow light in. - gee! - nurse, please bring in a dose of gyno-paste. (my own formula.) - you may experience some slight discomfort. - hope you're not allergic to peanut butter. get a clue at modesty, chastity, virtue 098098; a doppelgänger features - he's very lifelike. you've done quite the bang-up job, raoul. - you really captured that stern, proud expression. his eyes, especially. it's eerie. - thank you, miss. a few more details and i think your father is finally done. - raoul, this truly is the essense of my father. you have cast his soul in bronze. i feel like any second he's going to pass out drunk in my wedding cake. - like i told you six months ago. i make the finest carpool lane dummies in the state. stick it to the man at she should cast like fifty of them and pose them around the house 099099; a sheep reacts to success - hey, george! what's new with you, anything? - oh, you know. gnawing out burrs, the occasional alfalfa gorging. you? - since you asked, i've been cast in the jackson high school production of "swan lake 2 the return of durant!" they said i was perfect for "hildy." - that a fact. - um... - not that you'd, you know, want to come or anything. - i would, but you'd have to spot me cab fare, and that's always awkward. ladies drink free at swan lake 3 die siegfried die 100100; bob is made lose his train of thought maybe i should have voted for the guy without the toothpaste in his hair. wheee!! 100th episode! wowie! holy criminy! woohoo! that's right, 100 episodes! eat it! episodes of what? celebrate life topical humor is always a good idea 101101; a crime is discovered, and forgotten i think... i think he's... whoa. i think i killed him. we'd better make ourselves scarce. yo, what's a couple of foxy ladies like you doing out in an alley this late? get him! mop to the crotch! hey, all right, this is my kind of party! soap it up considering the pick-up line, i'm not really sure what kind of party he expected it to be 102102; ants factor - i say, sir, do you have the time? - ants ants ants ants - sorry, what was that? - ants in the pants ants in the pants - ants in the crevices ants in the cracks ants in the crannies and ants on the sac - i don't know if that last bit was necessary. - then you're gonna hate the next verse. scratch an infestation of insects is invariably interesting 102102; ants factor - i say, sir, do you have the time? - ants ants ants ants - sorry, what was that? - ants in the pants ants in the pants - ants in the crevices ants in the cracks ants in the crannies and ants on the sac - i don't know if that last bit was necessary. - then you're gonna hate the next verse. scratch an infestation of insects is invariably interesting 103103; fraud is suspected - now absorb the energy we send you. take it in. - i'm feeling her chakra expand! it's like her psychic cervix is giving birth to pure light! - allow the sweet purple passage through your veins. - i can totally sense her nigh-self crying in pain! don't cry, little one! - um, guys... - shhh... our hangover cure takes time to blossom. - okay, well, i'm going to h all over your shoes in about three seconds. - what really sobers you up is the no refunds policy! feel refreshed at sometimes mom's old remedies suck 104104; a slight is inadvertently made - how's the shrimp today? - what's that supposed to mean? - uh... it, uh, means how's the shrimp, i guess? - yeah, i heard you, smart guy. hey! louie! you hear this guy? - hear him? i'll crack his skull, did i hear him. - i didn't realize asking about the seafood was impolite. - asking about seafood! you want i should cleave his cleavables? - yo, my height is a genetic disorder, punk! throw down at now all we need is 100 gallons of cocktail sauce 105105; an offer is reconsidered - this custard is tasty, but i can't help but wonder... if perhaps... ahem... your own flavor might be even sweeter. - that's it! i've had quite enough of your unwelcome advances! one more word, and you're on the sidewalk! - tell him, girl! - oh, no, my dear, you've misunderstood! let me explain in plainer terms... - i'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me lick your bellybutton. - security! - wait, wait... how much? sopping wet at always hear the offer out 106106; a bear attempts romance - your eyes are sparks that jump and snap in the hearth of my heart... i take your musk with me into the cold and it nourishes me. (turn the page) - what? - nothing. every night that i hold you and you become mine... - ...is one night closer to veal chops slathered with mustard on rye slabs. - sorry, i don't know how my lunch order got mixed in there. - fool, you better hope that i maul worse than i woo. pass the pepper at grizzlies are notoriously ungracious 107107; a head explodes - you! piper! i demand that you pipe for me! keep piping... faster! pipe faster! faster still! i require more rapid piping! - ba doom - hard to find good pipers these days. - you! bystander! i demand that you play the spoons! take over at just because you're sympathetic doesn't mean you know my problems 108108; the past comes alive - if you look real close, you can see the dot were i jabbed her with my pencil. go on, take a gander, she don't mind. - i cranked that #2 right into her cheek, screamed "this is for the boys at hill 42," and just twisted. - what a story, what a story. - the cops advised me to press charges. i said no, he's goofy, but i love him. - when her skin healed, it sealed in a tiny piece of the lead! - an epic romance for our times. erase the past at ah, the way things used to be 109109; earthmen are revealed to be hard-core - so, ah, we kind of need money for baby food. whatcha working on? anything good? - no. it's my novel. go away. you can't read it. - what's it about? - it's about a guy who's trying to write a novel but his stupid wife keeps stupid bothering him. it's a comedy about the human condition. being an alien from venus, you couldn't possibly understand. - back in earth-prep boot camp, they didn't say you'd be mean. - yeah? welcome to earth. we're hard core. now, seriously, go away. peel potatoes at when they come in peace they will be shocked by how hard core we are 110110; a pastime is exposed - this rain dance of yours is really creeping me out... are you sure it's okay to mess with the laws of nature? - and what if someone overhears your secret magic incantations? - well, on the off chance that they've been eating paint chips, it'll make their brain stem explode. - oh, hey, clyde. whatcha been up to? - man, all of a sudden i've got this migraine. boil over at it's sublimation of neural moisture, causing constriction of the blood vessels 111111; henry pedals for his life henry there you are, my sweet apricot! as you can see, i've built a special bicycle! remember when you said that the reason you couldn't be with me was the fact that i'm only eighteen inches tall? well, now nothing can stop our love! henry ah, nuts. chase your dreams at oh no! a dog! i'm horribly allergic! 111111; henry pedals for his life henry there you are, my sweet apricot! as you can see, i've built a special bicycle! remember when you said that the reason you couldn't be with me was the fact that i'm only eighteen inches tall? well, now nothing can stop our love! henry ah, nuts. chase your dreams at oh no! a dog! i'm horribly allergic! 112112; a cat is appointed to a cabinet post - mr. secretary, the chinese ambassador is still awaiting your decision. - oh god oh god we're gonna get nuked we're all gonna die - i understand how difficult this must be for you, but... - he's doing something... he's got a plan! we're saved! thank god! - what is it, mr. secretary? what are you tring to say? - i think he's really got an idea. - inherent dangers of making "buttons" the secretary of defense - no... no, he was just licking his butt. again. naptime all the time at the critical flaw of the appointment system 113113; leo purchases faeces - morning, al! what's fresh today? - got some nice midwestern brown, think i still got some cornys left too. - what the... come on, this is day-old at best! it's really tough, all the tips are getting crumbly... what kind of crap are trying to sell here? - you got to talk to the boss, man. - look, i'm having a hard time keeping up with demand as it is! pick out your favorite at the inevitable result of poopy-side economics 114114; haste is encouraged - your weight is one hundred and forty-two pounds - yo! lardo! some of us are waiting to use the scale! hurry it up a bit, huh? - your body mass index is within healthy ranges - get a move on, we're going gray out here! don't make me set spike on yeh! - rrrr - that's right, spike, gettim! get that bad man! go on! you dumb mutt, where you going? get him! go on! he's right there! get him! - i swear, some day it's like you want to go back to the pound. - dude, this is for your fashion sense. be relieved at i think dogs watch more 'queer eye' than we think 115115; homework remains incomplete - how's the homework coming? - jamie? how's the otter report? - jamie - - graarrr! - oh, hey, deimos. thought you were jamie. - she's in the family room. make yourself at home at sometimes a second skin is just so much more comfy 116116; an experiment is aborted - that's it, i'm done. - hmm? - i'm done living on the freezing streets. i'm done wiping windshields for crack money. and frankly, i'm done with "us." i'm going back to my palatial mansion with my six dozen servants and my cabana boy, julio. - pool party! - that night we o.d.'ed was magical, but i'm afraid i'm simply not made for this hardscrabble life. goodbye, gene; it's over. - but i gave you my heart... - you also gave me hepatitis c. - hey, i gave that to everyone! life stinks at cool cabana - squash banana - sing it julio 117117; a likeness is attempted - okay, before we get started, is there any particular way you want to be portrayed? - oh, well, i don't know... make me look nice, handsome, young... - i guess make sure you show off my beard, it's my trademark... - and make me look happy, you know? not too fussy... - but i came to you to get your own vision, so just do it how you like! - are you already done?! - that'll be ten thousand dollars. speak up at the dangers of leaving it to discretion 118118; a toy proves insufficient - okay, i finally got it. - my zachary taylor washingtoy‚ñ¢! - i swear, why anyone would want a toy of the 12th president is beyond me. - oh, dad! you'll never understand girls! - well, you've been bugging me ever since they announced the new line, so there you go. daddy loves his princess. - so, is it fun to play with? - well, until you get me the rest of the 1849 cabinet, there's not a whole hell of a lot i can do. collect them all at officially licensed u.s. government merchandise is a great idea 119119; a cat has a blog - i think the litter box needs changing. - how would you know? you've been on the computer all morning. - i just saw muffin's blog on my rss reader. - the cat has a blog? - yeah she doesn't update very often, though. there must be something particularly notable in the litter box. - does she ever mention us? - nah, it's all like "omg tuna is kewl" and crap like that. i really only subscribe to be polite. - well, tell her to stop eating the laces out of my shoes. - hold on, i'll leave her a comment. updated regularly at it's not even blogger or typepad, it's some crap like xanga 120120; odour goes unnoticed - hey! i'm back! - hmm? oh, right. how was the trip? - i see you didn't do any laundry while i was gone. - can you blame me? - you're gone for god-knows how long... all i have is the sweet scent in your clothes! it's all i have! - and you couldn't wash yourself any clean boxers in three weeks? - well, that smell's pretty important to me too. get funky at i swear to vishnu this is a 100% true story 121121; signals are misinterpreted a toast! to long life and true love! may our paths be straight and our footsteps be reasonably well-lit! here's to women to hold close, and friends to keep closer! may we find solace in each others' tight embrace! and may our souls commune as we explore the deep recesses of each other in the sanctity and anonymity of march moonlight! wait... what? i'm sorry, i thought i was reading some signals there. no? raise your glasses at it's said that 90% of communication is body language 122122; morality affects sandwiches - is my prescription ready? - sorry, pal. i can't fill this. - look, i understand if your faith prohibits you from acting against your conscience. - but you're a pharmacist, not a doctor. you haven't examined me, not diagnosed me. you can't presume to make health decisions for me. - and thus i demand that you provide me with the medication that's been prescribed for me! - no, i mean i can't fill your prescription because this is a deli counter. - and thus i demand my ham on rye! object at some readers may know the chap on the right as a 'chemist' 123123; pie is desired - pie! i demand pie! key lime! banana cream! cherry, apple, or meringue! - how tragic! a victim of society's scorn, you cope with the stigma by drowning your sorrow's in further consumption! - as interesting as your amateur analysis may be, it fails in one important respect it does not, in fact, produce pie. for me to eat. - but i understand you! i accept you for who you are! - i am a man who needs pie. that is who i am. loads o' lard at in sophist argument, "i demand pie!" = automatic win 124124; life improves for a while - being a dandy shepherd, that's the life for me. - oh, yeah. sunshine, fresh air. hard to beat a good spring breeze for nice. - hey, the power's back on in the office. everyone can come back to work. - just... just thought you guys would like to know. - thank you. thank you very much. eat your fill at the power went out in l.a. today and nobody seemed to care 125125; sudoku is preferred to sex - i give you the depths of my soul. i pledge myself to you eternally. - and i to you. - hey! little help, here! hellooo! - you guys are being very rude! i've been asking for help for nearly five minutes! - got a pretty hairy little sudoku dilemma over here! unless you can't be bothered! - i've got an eight in the middle column but hey no no no stop that right this instant! now put your pants back on! - not you! just him! develop an immunity at is sudoku mainstream enough yet that it's hip to hate it? 126126; cancer is faked - mom? i just want to say i'm sorry. for wishing you cancer at age six because you sent me to bed early. that was wrong of me. - i didn't mean for it to turn out this way. what with the chemo and the radiation and the hair loss and all. so... i'm sorry. - finally! i've been waiting twenty long years to hear that sweet apology! now i can be done with this charade! - you... you mean that you've been faking cancer for twenty years? just to teach me a lesson? - well, when put it that way, it sounds bad. soothe your soul at she actually does have cancer. she's just mean 127127; gracie is burned by a jewess shana tovah! no, i'm gracie o'fugly. i mean, happy jewish new year! it's rosh hashanah. new year? that's retarded. it's october. seriously, that's dumb. semitikinesis! fwoosh whatta you looking at? you want some of this action? no, please, i swear, i use the mayan calendar pick out a peach at you can totally learn how to do this, it's in deuteronomy 128128; duty is shirked - ahem - i'm on fire. - i'm on break. snuggle a tummy at actually he is just a guy in a halloween costume 129129; irony is detected - how many of these people do you think i could convince that i'm an orthopaedic surgeon? - probably not very many, considering that we're at an orthopaedic surgery convention, and everyone here are themselves orthopaedic surgeons. - no, that would totally work in my favor! after all, why else would i be here? - because you need to severely recalibrate your sense of what would be an "awesomely ironic vacation." - and it has been, despite your pouty attitude! gorge on goodness at he was all giddy while paying the registration fee 130130; a urologist guffaws - ...so i'm feeling around down there, and he's claiming there's a lump that he detected during a self-exam, but i can't feel a thing. and so i'm thinking, you know, with all the emphasis that we place on early detection, there must be a certain level of paranoia... - so, as gently as i can think to say it, i say "when you say you felt a lump... was it the testicle itself you were feeling?" - ah hah ha ha ha ha ha! - so there was never any lump? - actually, it turned out he did have ball cancer. screen yourself at sadly, another comic based on a true story 131131; clyde wishes sacking upon himself - i've had it. i really think i'm gonna quit. but i only get severance pay if i'm fired! - so, just say something so outrageous that they have no choice but to fire you. - you really think that'll work? - boss, i've decided to start sleeping with your wife. - finally! someone who'll look past the skin grafts to find her inner beauty. which i presume is there. try it and see at historically this has been less than effective 132132; sharks are swum with - graaaaaoooohhh - @%#$@! affirmative action swim with 'em at keep up, man, keep up 133133; awkwardness ensues - so, thanks for dinner... - yeah, sorry about, you know, what happened. - it's not your fault - you didn't know a cat was going to run through the restaurant - - seriously, though, just send me the dry-cleaning bill. - yeah, okay. - um... - do... do you want to come in? - was it the crotch-sniffing that tipped you off? man's best friend is at be sure to note the tail wagging in the last panel 134134; a peeve is described you know what i hate? i'm sure i will in a second. lazy writers who explain everything with "quantum theory." time travel? quantum therory! teleportation? quantum therory! microwave burritos? quantum therory! just because the details of quantum physics are largely unexplained doesn't mean the term can be blithely applied to everything that seems impossible! but... that's what you do! that's exactly what you do! that's my point! everyone else has to come up with their own shtick! marcus! that's not the money from the charity raffle, is it? quantum therory! complain at someone's been reading michael crichton's timeline 135135; scissors indirectly case strife hey, leo! you think i could get those scissors back? been a couple months. oh, sure! you want your precious scissors back? well, here you go! take 'em back! in fact, why don't you take your saxophone too, while you're at it! and your record player! and you battle-ax! just take back everything you lent me! take your globe and your radiator and your luggage and your first wife! how'd it go next door? the good news is, we got the scissors back. exceed expectations at also the globe will be handy 136136; which may not be appropriate for children first i'm going to undo your buttons... mmm and then... and then... i'm going to press them. hey, hey, in my house let's keep it pg-13, huh? you mean you're okay with intense sequences of violent action; liberal use of profanity, suggestive material, and drug references; and exactly one occurence of the "f" word? yes. suggestive materal at and in fact i will be satisfied with nothing less 137137; the virtues of alcohol are extolled you're from alaska, huh? yes. wow, that must be amazing. nothing but snow for miles... six months of daylight followed by six months of darkness. it is our way. so, what do you guys do up there all the time? drink, mainly. chill at real life comics #3 138138; office is abused hey there. where ya headed? i was just... just out for a walk... yeah? it's okay, i'm just curious. go ahead, run along, then. you're, um, blocking my path... oop! of course. how silly of me. looks like you're stuck here. hey, if you wanna come over to my place, i've got the new xbox... don't listen to him! stay on black! stay on black! check yourself at just then the kinght came charging up, but he could only move in l-shapes so that dastardly bishop escaped 139139; much goes unsaid a loving couple dances in a banquet hall. oh, i almost forgot to tell you! for our honeymoon? i invited bob along. woman you... you what. come on, i thought you were gonna be chill! woman he creeps me out! he'll be cool! i promise! from afar, bob watches the two of them, with wide, creepy eyes. watch closely he's doing it again 140140; god sends flesh-eating fish a man kneels in prayer. o lord, you know my situation. you know my needs. send your angels to guide me as i do your holy will. two piranhas descend from heaven. piranhas can't bowl! piranha they gave me crappy shoes! pick up a spare he barely tossed a ninety even with the bumpers in 141141; the son of god stands in queue santa is standing at the head of a line of people, peering at his list. santa ...yes, i see you right here on the list. great! who's next? name? the next person steps forward. jesus christ, first name jesus. santa christ, christ... that's c-h-r? nope, nothing under c. jesus umm, maybe try yeshua bin yousef? santa no, i'm not finding anything. jesus i don't believe this. you secularists make me sick. seriously, if dying for the sins of the world doesn't get a guy on the nice list, i don't know what does. santa whoa, whoa, easy there, champ. this is the list of who ordered lattes. be good don't make me call my dad 142142; teeth appear two well-dressed men sit on chairs in an open, room-sized human mouth. a third, shirtless man stands beside the first man. man 1 so, ah. man 1 yeah. man 1 weather's been nice. man 2 yup, yup. man 2 little humid. man 2 but nice. man 1 always really muggy this time of year. man 2 that's what gets yeh. man 1 did you see i got a manservant? man 2 yes i saw you got a manservant. duh say aaahh 143143; pete recalls the past pete and a dark-suited man come upon joey, who's holding an enormous horn.] dark-suited what did i tell you? here he is! pete joey! wow, i haven't seen you since high school! joey how's it going, pete? what's the scoop? pete hey, do you still have that eight bucks i lent you in tenth grade? joey no, man! i spent it right after you gave it to me. pete ...well, do you have some other, similar eight bucks that you could give me? joey ha ha ha! same old pete. hey, you still with that girl? turned out to be a guy? pete okay, seriously give me my money. a man in a top hat appears. man in top hat pete! i haven't seen you since prom! pay the piper joey had borrowed the money to buy the alpenhorn, it seems, whereas pete had always wanted an alpenhorn but had been stymied by the prohibitive cost 144144; tommy reveals his needs the doctor is leaning over tommy, who's lying on a sickbed, and is holding tommy's wrist. doctor well, tommy, your test results are in. tommy give it to me straight, doc. doctor i showed your charts to a radiologist, an oncologist, and my kid sister, who once got a b+ in geography. tommy how thorough of you. doctor everyone agrees that you have no sign of any tumor whatsoever. you seen to have zero symptoms. again. doctor and frankly, i'm not sure why you keep scheduling these exams. tommy i like to be touched. your prescription is but really, who doesn't 145145; kisses are demanded a woman speaks to her cat. woman who's a cuddly little snookums? huh? huh? who's my little fuzzy-wuzzy? woman i want some kisses from my snugglebaby. can i get some kisses? can you give mommy some kisses? woman mommy likes little, tuna-smelling kisses... as a well-dressed man reaches for the cat woman hey hey there get away get out of here bad man no kisses for you all kittycat kisses are mine woman you see what i do for you? now give me some freaking kisses! cat actually, i've compiled some demands of my own. raspy tongues at do they involve kisses? please yes please yes 146146; a triumph is insulted an elephant wearing a suit jacket and holding a horn approaches a man in an antique automobile. elephant oh, kind sir, do you think you could give me a lift to the train station? driver what are you, nuts?! this car is british! elephant wh-what does that mean? driver it means that it leaks oil and the wiring is really poorly designed. hitch a ride burnnnn 147147; janey's honor is defended a drawing-room. furniture in disarray; father looms over potential paramour father speak ill of my little janey, will you? father in this house, questioning my daughter's honor gets you a thorough thrashing! paramour so, what, you just beat down everyone who walks through that door? paramour because everybody knows janey. tollbooth jane, we call her. it's no secret. father well, most people are polite enough not to mention it to my face. paramour but you know, right? you have to know. father i... i have my suspicions. paramour what about that photo spread in your christmas newsletter?! father i like to hit people okay take your lumps i saw that spread and man, he wasn't kidding around with those gauze filters 148148; candy is withheld kids mister mikey! mister mikey! how come you don't have candy for us anymore? mr. mikey because, children, i quit my job at the candy factory. now i work selling poop insurance. i don't suppose i can interest you in a policy? kids candy! candy! we want candy! mr. mikey i don't have candy! all i can offer you is the peace of mind that only comes from knowing that if (god forbid) you're pooped on, you'll be a-ok. kid 1 i bet you didn't quit your candyman job. kid 2 i bet you were fired. kid 1 i bet you sold secret magic lollipop formuals to the chinese. kid 2 i bet you swam in the caramel vat without safety pants or any pants. kid 1 i bet you took a monster dump on your boss's desk. kid 2 i bet you hate god. mr. mikey children! all of these theories are true in their own way. now, who wants a policy? last chance before the tea kicks in. resign yourself real life comics #4, sort of 149149; grandpa tells that story again a man wearing a baseball uniform stands by a woman in a bonnet. woman hi. groob um, i mean.... uh they stare at one another. now an old man, the fellow strums a harp piningly. two children look on. old ...and then she walked out of my life forever. girl grandpa we have heard this story like eight billion freaking times reminisce apparently the oral history will stop at this generation 150150; edgar burns bridges an employer and employee. employer i'm sorry that it's come to this, but frankly, you've left me no choice. there are really only two options for you you can offer your resignation, effective immediately -- or you will be terminated with cause. wider shot of employer and employee. we see the employer is quite tall and dignified, and the employee is short and squat. employee what about the third option? employer which one's that? employee the one where you buy me ice cream and give me a backrub and a raise, and i don't key your car on the way out. employer i think you eliminated that option when you keyed my car on your way in. define your destiny these real life comics are starting to get kind of worrisome 151/ [151; a common practice is objected to a man and a woman are holding one another. woman oh, what time is it? shoot. i was gonna bake cookies for grandma tonight. i told her i would. why do you hate your grandmother so much? woman well, she gave me a silly haircut once. twenty years ago... she was given a silly haircut. now... one woman... woman no. ...is striking back... ...against the grandmother... woman no trailers. ...she's always feared. woman no trailers. i have a headache. coming soon welcome to my life 152152; race factors a black man sits speaking with a foppishly-dressed white man. black i know recrimination doesn't solve matters, but i'm finding it very hard not to blame you for everything. uprooting whole cultures, transporting them across the globe, dehumanizing an entire race. white wrongs were done. mistakes were made. but that was generations ago - you can't hold all white people responsible. a ship is visible behind them. black i'm talking about you personally. is that or is that not your slave ship right there? white why you gotta be hatin' on a man's hobbies? make reparations also slavery is wrong 153153; absurd solutions are proposed a man in a hat is sitting on the ground; a woman with a headscarf and carrying a bushel and a pail is standing. any change? fifty cents? a quarter? just twenty-five cents, that's all i ask. woman sorry, no change. whaddaya got? credit card? check? can you write me a check? go on, write me a check, that'll work. woman i don't even have my checkbook with me. that's okay, write it when you get home and send it to me. woman i'm not going to spend thirty-nine cents on a stamp to send you a check for a quarter. don't put a stamp on it! just put me as the return address, and when it's marked "insufficient postage," it'll be sent back to me. woman this seems like a lot of trouble. only for you, and i don't care about you! invest yourself oh and can you please rent a p.o. box for me as i do not technically have an 'address' 153153; absurd solutions are proposed a man in a hat is sitting on the ground; a woman with a headscarf and carrying a bushel and a pail is standing. any change? fifty cents? a quarter? just twenty-five cents, that's all i ask. woman sorry, no change. whaddaya got? credit card? check? can you write me a check? go on, write me a check, that'll work. woman i don't even have my checkbook with me. that's okay, write it when you get home and send it to me. woman i'm not going to spend thirty-nine cents on a stamp to send you a check for a quarter. don't put a stamp on it! just put me as the return address, and when it's marked "insufficient postage," it'll be sent back to me. woman this seems like a lot of trouble. only for you, and i don't care about you! invest yourself oh and can you please rent a p.o. box for me as i do not technically have an 'address' 154154; a clown army factors a soldier and an ogre are surrounded by clowns. ogre stand back ... i'll give them a taste of the flame-spear of urggoth! soldier no, you fool! fire only makes them juggle fight back at we mere fooles delight in bringing whimsy and magic to the aagggkkkk 155155; a dude is hit in the nuts scene woman approaching a man, sitting in a chair. the man has a sign next to him which reads, "hit a dude in the nuts - $5." woman what?! that's outrageous! a mustachioed gentleman readies to strike a barrel-chested chap in the groin with a 5-iron. behind the barrel-chested chap, a young boy stands with a hoop ready to catch whatever might fly off. woman how come he gets to use a golf club? he's one of our gold club members. premium goodies also you get to keep whatever falls off 156156; the cost of sausages is discussed a man with enormous mutton chops is examining a note and talking to a bald, by-looking man who is standing behind a table. mutton chops i can't make heads or tails of it, ken. i've slashed employee wages, doubled retail prices... i've fired anyone with a pension and hired a bunch of low-wage immigrants... but it's no use! i just don't know where the money goes. a chubby man with a walrus moustache comes in to the left of mutton chops and ken, struggling under the weight of an enormous summer sausage. ken i would start by checking johann's expense accounts for hickory farms receipts. johann hey, shut up, man, i got needs! meaty goodness alternately, it is a zeppelin full of rancid milk 157157; pneumonia seems certain a woman approaches another woman, sitting on a porch stoop in the midst of a snowstorm. first woman my dear woman, please, come in, out of the cold! second woman oh, thank you... second woman so kind you are! and your aura - so vibrant and green! second woman like a meadow in springtime, or a brisk blade of grass, glistening with dew. you are a nurturer! you are strong! first woman oh, you are so right, you don't even know... i do nurture when i get the time second woman yes, it shines brightly, even through the many layers of your ridiculous coat. hey, are you reading auras? neat-o! what's my aura? what color am i? second woman you... you seem to be covered in a dingy yellow, a sort of amber, like - ...like i'm drenched in urine, yeah, but what about my aura? long way to go i have been told that my aura is quote-musky-unquote 158158; amorous advances are made a girl addresses her demure lady cat while a wild tomcat looks on. girl why look, miss whiskers! look at that cute little guy! cat hello there miss whiskers. may i say you are looking mighty fly. they call me fuzzypants mcgee. but you can call me tigrour. i have renounced my slave name. girl i do hope you two can be friends. tigrour yes. we will be friends all night long. you make me unleash the secret weapon. a little of the ol' butt action. classy lady like you will love the smell of my butt. tigrour oh, i get it, pinky here's got your priorities all in a bunch. that's a'ight. there's one thing i learned in the service, it's how to deal with a threat. girl i wish i knew what you cats say to each other when you meow like that. tigrour attaaack attaaack pity you can't see the crazed look in his eyes in the lo-res web version 159159; a record is shattered man runs through outdoors voice it's amazing! i've never seen anyone move like that before - we have a gold medal and a new world record! in a bedroom running hey, baby... i'm the fasted man in the world! woman in bed that's what a girl likes to hear. in park running i bet i can do anything faster than you! sudoku sudoku is not a race. it is a discipline. with a doctor running hey doc! i can ice skate really fast! doc mark, you have cancer. running man is now old running i was the fastest man in the world in 1946. girl grandpa, yesterday you said you were born a bear. carry a torch you train and you train and you give up your life and then, after you stand on that podium, pretty much you got bupkis 160160; a goat wishes death upon a fox a fox reads from a letter, written by a goat, addressed to herb, a tree. goat my dear herb, i had a lovely time at the picnic. thanks for the invite! goat i'm sorry to hear about the root-rot but i'm sure you'll get through it fine. goat fox, if you're reading herb's mail, you are scum, and i pray every day for your speedy, painful demise. goat p.s. i hate you. fox dude, you got root rot?! ha ha ha ha ha! herb that is private correspondence stay informed at root rot is not actually all that bad, plus you get vicodin 161161; much bickering occurs man 1 stands with signboard attached to his chest signboard 1 sale > all car stereos 30% off man 2 joins him, also with signboard signboard 1 sale > all car stereos 30% off signboard 2 car stereos and alarms ~ free install only today signboard 1 hey get out of here this is my turf signboard 2 oh yeah ~ i don't see your name on it they are joined by a short man with a signboard and a person hidden by their signboard and umbrella signboard 1 you're about to see my boot go right up your hind end signboard 2 go ahead and try it ~ i could use a good laugh signboard 3 guys guys can't we all just get along signboard 4 actually does anyone know where i can get a good deal on a car stereo mine has been acting funny act now it was making all sorts of screeching noises and when you turn the knobs there is static 162162; an infant is juiced charles holds up an infant with a straw sticking out of its head. charles i found this baby in the trash. don't suppose you'd know anything about where it came from. emma wh-what? no, no. i've got no idea. is that, um, that a baby? huh, where did that come from. charles so you didn't stop at a roadside stand, get this baby from an ice chest, have the lady punch a hole with a nail, and stick a straw in. is that what you're telling me. emma n-no man i've been dry for like a week charles emma dear, do we have to go back to counseling? is sweet, fresh baby juice worth our marriage? emma charles it's what those soft spots are for go cold turkey those roadside stands are the only place you get the real fresh stuff 163163; the dealer has no sevens several men sit in a casino, holding cards, gambling. sweating four, how about a four. c'mon baby give daddy a four. where's that four show me that four. well groomed dealer says go fish sweating okay, seven. who's got a seven i need a seven. big money here with a seven give me a seven well groomed dealer says go fish sweating good god man what cards do you have sweating you don't have a seven. you don't have a four. you don't have a jack or an ace or a nine or anything! well groomed i have some little clovers and a bunch of upside-down hearts with tails. older wait, i thought we all were playing with uno cards ante up we've all seen the bumper stickers that say i [heart] ny or i [spade] my cat, but who's seen the ones that say i [club] my wife 164164; cancerous children benefit a woman stands in front of a room full of busy women. an elegant man, completely bald, stares into a mirror lovingly. woman welcome to locks for lymphoma. can i help you? elegant yes, yes. fine work you do here. i've come to donate my hair to cancerous children. woman sir, you are clearly bald. elegant not everywhere. bearded son, you best get to the back of the line. i've spent too long jes' anticipating those nimble little lady fingers. get snippy as you may have surmised, the bald fellow is referring to hair available for donation from his back and the tops of his feet 165165; opinions matter two cats sit facing each other across a chessboard, unmoving. researcher which do you like better? the knights or the bishops? which do you like least? researcher would you say the king is your favorite character? would you say, "i like the king because he makes the game fun"? researcher which of these adjectives would you use to describe the queen? likeable, cool, enjoyable, funny, exciting, impressive, relatable? researcher do you think you would be very likely to recommend this game to your friends? somewhat likely? somewhat unlikely? or very unlikely? caption great moments in market research researcher the pieces made of ham seem to test very well with this demographic. check the box according to the topline, tabbies age 3-6 love the pawns -- but we still can't get any quadrant on those calicos 166166; neuroses are diagnosed a patient sits facing his therapist in the latter's office. patient i feel helpless. like i'm not good at anything. i can't seem to finish anything, and even when i do, i can't stand criticism. patient i swear, nobody else has ever felt like i do. i'm a middle-class white guy stuck in an existential crisis, doc. you don't know how torturous it is to be me! doctor well, it's a step up from claiming to be a panda bear, at least. you're not still eating leaves, are you? patient [with a bamboo branch in his mouth] mmrf? soldier on i actually have several interesting things to say on the subject but a dude eating leaves just seems more relevant 167167; communism overtakes the arctic kris, an old man with a pegleg and a portable organ around his neck, extends his hat to a young girl. kris spare a few pennies, miss? you look like one for the "nice" list. girl sure, i think i've -- santa?! is that you? kris oh, yes. that's what they used to call me. before the proletariat revolution. before elvengrad. before the camps. kris please if you can get a message to rudolph tell him-- [an apparatchik appears.] apparatchik komrade kringle! perheps i tink ve should do more of de party fundraising and less of de party line, da? kris yes. um. thank you for the pennies, miss. merry christmas. god bless you. apparatchik there vill be no mention of god! unionize pretend that dude in the last panel is st. patrick and this comic becomes much more timely 168168; labor is avoided a mustachioed man holding a cane sits in an easy chair. a woman leands over him, resting her hands on his shoulder. woman okay, up off the couch. it's baby-birthin' time. i'd like to go to the hospital now. you go ahead. i'm gonna catch the end of "hey, dude". woman seriously, get in the car because the baby is going to be born in minutes and i would really like to be in the hospital on drugs when it happens. i can think of a dozen things i would rather do than watch a goopy infant emerge from... from a... i would rather clean the garage. woman sometimes i wonder if you love me at all. sometimes i wonder what your fixation is with watching strangers give birth. woman mrs. west isn't a stranger! i've emailed her at least twice! breathe and push at all that blood and pain and crying and blah blah blah -- it's not really my scene, you know? 169169; bread is shunned dad and son are seated at the table; dad's reading the newspaper while son tries to eat his dinner. son mom, your forgot the buns for the burgers. mom no buns, honey! we're officially a no-carb household now! son dad, mom's doing it again. dad what's that? son picking up on fads like a year too late. dad are you sure that's what she's doing? son what? yes, i'm sure. dad is that your final answer? mom hey macarena tickle me you are the weakest link, goodbye 170170; doug fails to obtain a tote-bag a man, clearly distressed, speaks on the telephone while a radio plays beside him. radio you know, garrison's right. it's listeners like you that make public radio possible. okay, can i have the cd and the tote bag then? radio we are a mewling kitten, in need of its mother's teat. fine, whatever, i'll take the cd. okay, now that i've pledged, what's the secret frequency with no more program breaks? radio ... what do you mean, there isn't one. a woman comforts the man as he rests his head in his hands mournfully. radio we need ten thousand dollars in the next thirty seconds. i think we can do it. major underwriters include kari i was going to do a special comic #170 about germany for you but i forgot and i apologize 171171; hiroshi misses the point a japanese father sits before a quartet of sumo wrestlers. a son, dressed in traditional japanese robes, approaches. son dad! i did it! i got a job! father very good, my son! what path have you chosen to bring honor to our family? son i get to stand at the sushi counter in the grocery store to add authenticity while the mexicans in the back make the food. father what happened to "i refuse to reinforce demeaning stereotypes?" son but daaad i need money to trick out my civic wild wasabi he bought the civic in a fit of joy after winning the academic decathalon 172172; gary learns he can still be shocked a man is bringing a plump woman a box of alcoholic beverages. you sure all this is yours? whiskey, gin, vodka, spearmint schnapps... woman sure, why? well, i mean, if you're pregnant, shouldn't you not be drinking? woman oh, no, it's ok. i'm gonna abort it anyway. oh. woman i'm totally kidding. woman i'm just fat. weigh in i hear the kiddies like them the bubblicious schnapps 173173; a bison is ordained a couple in wedding garb stand before reverend grump, a buffalo. reverend grump! our parents don't approve, but we're in love! will you marry us? reverend grump yes! of course! right now! let's go! reverend grump ...wait, did you mean to each other? woman no, you had it right. elope this particular issue was covered in detail in seminary 174174; a skeleton remains alone a man in a tuxedo is holding a buxom woman in a low-cut gown; they are talking to davey, a skeleton. woman davey! what's this i hear about you not going to the prom? davey yeah, well, i've got nobody to dance with. ha ha ha! no body! woman that's okay, you can still go stag, right? davey i-i don't think i have the guts. hee hee hee! woman oh, davey. you are so funny! that's what i love about you. you are such a sweetheart. any girl would be lucky to have you. just give it time! the two leave davey standing alone. davey lowers his head, sadly. bone up i don't think he was joking 175175; a roundabout method of product introduction two men admiring a horseless carriage. man 1 yup, she's a beaut all right ... sort of a lot of bumper stickers, though, huh? man 2 yeah, i love witty stickers! "don't steal, the government hates competition!" ha ha ha! you get it? man 2 or how about this one, "bad cop, no donut!" man 2 ooh, ooh, this one is my favorite "wife and dog missing, reward for dog!" -- "reward for dog!" how about you? what's stuck to your bumper? man 1 just one that reads "bumper stickers are an ineffectual means of communicating my nuanced views on a variety of issues that cannot be reduced to a single pithy slogan." oh, and some dried blood, i think. adhere to on the peel-off part of the sticker it continues on to say ''...and given the inherent limitations of the medium i frankly cannot comprehend its appeal as a vehicle for the vigorous exchange of ideas" 176176; satan enjoys matzoh jesus christ, lord of all humanity, speaks with the beautifully demonic fallen angel lucifer in the cave-like bowels of hell. satan hey, josh! long time no see. what're you doing in this neck of the woods? jesus ah, you know, i got crucified last night. satan bummer! well, come in, the kids'll be thrilled to see their god-dad. jesus thanks, but i can't. i have to defeat you and return to life to save the souls of the world. satan okay, well, make it quick, we're just sitting down to passover seder. jesus i'll swing wide, you just sell it. break bread josh was middleweight boxing champ in nazareth in 8th grade. not many people know that 177177; a hog requires blended fruit a bearded man holds a martini glass bearded oh! this is disgusting! it tastes like mud and corn husks! a chef, the bearded man and a man wearing a fedora stand in front of a barrel chef that's what the recipe calls for. bearded thankfully it's masked by all the vodka. man wearing a fedora well, then it's wrong. it's supposed to taste like mud, corn husks, and old milk. you might think you know better, but guess what? get over yourself. not every job is about being wonderfully creative. sometimes you're just hired to follow a freakin' recipe. a chef, the bearded man and a man wearing a fedora stand in front of a barrel, with a pig wearing a suit sitting in a chair off to the side chef even if the recipe is crazy? bearded even if the boss is crazy? man wearing a fedora as long as he's not too crazy to sign a paycheck, then yes. pig guys i am right here. turn it off save your creativity for your livejournal. here at work we pour vodka into old milk and when we do it we smile 178178; a display of circumstantial evidence wide view of a large, official-looking building. it's a jail. it's the state penitentiary. amos but you're my lawyer, rod! there's got to be something you can do! rod i'm sorry, amos, it's pretty open-and-shut from their point of view. inside a brick-walled room, presumably inside the official building from panel 1. there is a trunk stage up-right. rod is in front of the trunk, and amos is in a cylindrical cage beside the trunk. amos that maniac jumped me in an alley, beat me senseless...tied me up and left me, passed out, bleeding! amos i was mugged, for god's sake! in what world do i then get locked up? rod note from batman says you're the perp, then you're the perp. amos how is that even admissible exhibit a is seriously who even goes into dark alleys unless you are a thuggish type bent on mayhem 179179; gary will probably get some two grotesque, large-headed men converse. big head i am the studliest man here tonight. don't you think? no woman can resist my charms. this date is going to go great. friend calm down, man. you don't want to get a, you know. big head. big head yeah, you're right. is she here yet? do you see her? friend i don't know. how did she describe herself in her profile? big head "desperate." woman bartender, can i have about three more of these? i think i see my date. take one for the team she knocked back some eight-ball before leaving home but this job requires overtime 180/ [180; mortality factors a guy is reading the newspaper, with another man with a pipe looking over his shoulder. guy it says here that smoking is the number one cause of death for men aged 25-30. well, good thing i'm not a man, then! the guy is still reading, with a woman beside him now. guy and women are at great risk for breast cancer, osteoporosis, and hysteria. woman um, well... good thing i'm not a woman! now the guy, still with the newspaper, is accompanied by a big dinosaur-looking thing. guy all humans eventually die of cancer, if nothing else. gaxian ha ha! humans are suckers! good thing i'm an alien from planet gax! guy gaxians are at especially high risk for scabies. gaxian hey, you want to know the number one cause of death for impudent earthlings? me mortals welcome also not having attended earth kindergarten he would not have developed an immunity to cooties 181181; no one understands a man is seated on a stool by a sitting woman. such hateful words! "pedophile, pedophile" -- i can still hear it stinging in my ears. wo wait, i thought you were a pedophile. close up of man <> i'm getting tired of having to explain this every time. a pedophile is attracted to pre-pubescent children. (eww.) i'm a hebephile. i'm attracted to adolescents. there is a significant difference. two-shot of man and woman wo wait, heebophile? i would think that meant you were attracted to jews. you are disgusting. get it right i was a pedophile in the second grade 182182; a cat is buried a man is digging a hole next to the body of a cat. a man with a pipe speaks. pipe burying your cat, huh? digger yup, soon she'll be clawing up that big couch in the sky. digger don't get me wrong, i'm sad to see her go, but now i can leave my shoes out without the laces getting eaten, so that's some comfort. digger but, seasons change, circle of life, all that hippie junk. this shallow grave's not going to dig itself, so if you'll excuse me. pipe wouldn't it be best to wait until she's, you know... dead? digger oh, so now you're an expert on cats, are you? c'est la vie in fact, he has his master's in catology and has done extensive post-graduate work at the cat institute in cattington but stopped short of getting his ph.d. due to an unfortunate catastrophe 183183; a squid is disciplined a bespectacled man at his workbench, examining a squid. oh, bobby, bobby ... how can you get kelp in every single orifice? squid ("bobby") i dunno you've been over at the old klein harbor, haven't you? what did i say about going over there? bobby aw, dad ... man ("dad") bobby, what did i say? bobby not to go to the old klein harbor. dad that's right. and i don't want you hanging out with jake anymore. he's a bad influence. bobby that is so unfair! i hate you! i wish i lived with mom! dad keep that ink in your bladder sac, young man, or you are so grounded. excrete fluid jake is a jellyfish with an attitude problem 184184; marcus escapes tragedy a darkened dining room. a table is in the center of the scene, set for dinner. marcus is seated at the table. a standing man is carrying a platter, the contents of which are covered by a bucket. marcus okay, so i'm here. what's so important that it couldn't wait 'til morning? standing this dish has taken me quite some time to prepare, marcus... the bucket is gone, to reveal a woman's head on the platter. complete with jaunty bonnet. it is facing marcus. standing i hope it tastes sweet! ah ha ha! sweet, sweet justice! your wife's head on a platter! now you see the consequences of betryal! woman's head is now facing standing man marcus dude, that's your wife. standing what the -- ah, crappykins. last time i do that in the dark. measure twice cut once although to be fair she was next on the list anyways 185185; jody's father is made of meat a doctor and woman stand at the bedside of a patient. the doctor is holding a device to his ear, with the other end of the device on the patient. doctor yes...yes, that's a nice piece. that sounds tender. resonant, yet squishy. wo ...doctor, what are you doing? is my father going to be okay? a man has now entered, to the right of the woman. doctor i'm afraid we're going to have to remove his kidney immediately. also, his liver, pancreas, lungs, corneas, and heart. beth, i don't think this is a hospital. butchers in scrubs but the craigslist thing said to just pull around back to the loading dock! that's what we did 186186; mittens acts typically a bespectacled man wits at a writing desk, composing a letter. at his feet is a cat. i see you down there. no, you can't come up. daddy's busy. writing"dear mrs. pierce. the department of defense regrets to inform you..." the cat is now on the desk. cat brrow? okay, you can come up, but i have to finish this letter. i'll love you in a second. writing "...regrets to inform you that your son justin..." the cat is now laying across the desk. writing "...was dismembered by shrapnel from...from an incendiary..." the cat is now apparently asleep. <> cat <> make a lap pfc. pierce heroically hid in a trench while his legs were located by members of the 1st infantry 187187; logic prevails a man reaches longingly for a woman, who recoils from his touch. gimme kisses come on gimme some kisses woman no! your breath is all garlicky! i only kiss minty freshness! minty freshness? what a scam! it's just a ploy by the gum industry. you've been socially conditioned by mouthwash commercials to believe that mint equals clean. but really, you're just trading one food smell for another! ...so, logically you should kiss me now. woman i would, if you hadn't conditioned me to be repulsed by you. mental floss the listerine lobby claims another victim 188188; a lost elephant is easily found two men are talking over beers. i have designed a shirt for ironists! ironists wear shirts that they would normally hate, because they are being ironic. it is what passes for cleverness with young people! my shirt is in russian, which is ironic because the ideal consumer of this shirt does not speak russian. he or she is also probably too young to remember the soviet union, thus neo-soviet design is "retro." in addition, the shirt is ironic because it asks "where is my elephant?" although the elephant is clearly right there in the center. man 2 do you really think people would buy your stupid shirt? ironists love to spend money on things with no value! that is their defining characteristic. cash in also, you see, it is ironic because i am making fun of the concept but the shirts are actually for sale 189189; tracks are covered a mansion on a hill. interrogator take the gag from his mouth. i will ask once more. when is the armada coming? prisoner right ... after ... your mom -- last night interrogator so, he likes to crack jokes! maybe the acid would like to hear your jokes, yes? prisoner (head-down in vat of acid) blrrgghhblbb the prisoner's head emerges. he is a historical figure ... interrogator you are not funny, james garfield! you are not funny, mister twentieth president of the united states! everybody, repeat after me garfield is not funny plausible deniability taft was a well-known yukster but jimmy here would cause the most awkward of silences at all the state dinners 190190; the future is now a large, complex machine with no obvious function; several people work at it woman yes, it's lovely, but what does it do? i'm not entirely sure i understand the question. if you build it they will come to once the glue gun gets warmed up it's really hard to stop a tiny dinosaur factors a legionnaire speaks in hushed tones with a tiny triceratops, perched on his bayonet. in the background, a battle rages. legionnaire th-they found the body! murdering roderick didn't solve anything! in fact, now it's even worse than before! this is all your fault! triceratops dude, you got yourself into this thing. i'd like to see the case you build on the tried-and-true "miniature triceratops told me to do it" defense. dig yourself deeper actually there is precedent - op.cit. canada v. north, et al. 192192; time makes fooles of us all a man suavely offers a bouquet of flowers to a lady. pardon me, miss... you know the new year baby? becomes the old man at the end of the year? well, it's june, honey, and right now i'm only the equivalent of forty. woman ...that line actually works on people? you'd be surprised. every second counts no less true for being effective 193193; sanji should seriously move on a man in a turban sits, with some scales. a woman in a sari and ornate earrings sits as well. hi, how are ya? woman oh, i've got a touch of the ol' malaise. woman you know what i mean? one day, things finally click. the world make sense for the first time, maybe ever. woman or at least it seems that way. frame gets closer to woman, alone. woman and it's not to be. for whatever reason ... it's just impossible. woman you have to let it go. woman you have to watch it walk away and try to remember that life goes on. woman but you keep reliving the memory... woman the day, the hour, the single second when things were perfect. woman my most beautiful, wonderful might-have-been. frame pulls back to both the man and the woman; the man is now on the right. woman so, other than that, i'm okay, i guess. woman how are you? haven't eaten in six days. forget yourself but curiously he still eliminates right on schedule 194194; not all dogs go to heaven a man stands outside a house, speaking to another man standing in the doorway. first pardon me, i think i hit your dog out there in the road. second we don't have a dog. first well, i hit a dog. do you know whose it is? second is it that yappy little mutt from across the street? dirty brown fur, stubby tail, ignorant expression? first yeah, that's the one. second thank god, man, that thing was driving me nuts. first it took two or three good punches to knock it out. bark loudly passed out right before he went back for the softball bat 195195; nicole reconsiders men in each other's arms, dancing fiercely, perhaps even wrestling the men dance about and continue dancing with a passionate intensity a woman in a bridal veil enters on the left woman c-can i dance with my husband now? you've got him for a lifetime. i've got him for an hour. wed well and what an hour man, sitting with an open notebook on his lap "my mammary glands/my mammary glands" "my pulchritudinous feminine contours" man says nothing, seemingly staring off into space i can only hope that my masterwork will be realized by the lexical might of future generations. what you going to do with additionally, my frosted whipped beverage summons lads to my garden a man indignantly comments on a newspaper, speaking to a second man. reader "top hats look retarded?" how can you print this? other because it's true. reader but... you're not supposed to say it! the reader's top hat has fallen off. he turns, crossing his arms. other i'm a journalist. my duty if to the truth. no matter who gets hurt by it. reader fine. ruin it for everybody. but someday, that power you wield will hurt somebody important to you! other don't care. a paperboy runs awkwardly, holding up newspapers. paperboy extra! extra! p-paperboys... run like girls! *sob* guest worker program it's a hard knock life wondermark did you know?? a fancy fellow in a fur coat - in 1882 while vacationing abroad, lord alistair bludd-smythe invented the "blumpkin", the "rusty steamer", the "dirty sanchez", the "steaming dragon", and the "grumpy munchkin", all which remain popular to this very day! a gorilla wearing pearls and a summer hat in the late 19th century a female lowlands gorilla known as "lady millicent" went from the royal zoo to become the toast of high society before marrying a belgian aristocrat for whom she bore many children. a scowling monarch - her majesty queen victoria once levelled a disapproving scowl of such ferocious intensity that none of the servant at buckingham palace were capable of shameful bodily functions for three whole days! also the gorilla had a hand in the cleveland steamer we're looking over the shoulders of a man wearing a suit and a top hat holding a cane and another man holding wearing a fur-collared coat. they are sitting on a bench overlooking a waterfront scene in a city. top hat but the whole point of detournement, from a strict situationist perspective, is to divert bourgeois cultural elements to new subversive roles! the spectacle's great recuperative powers are hijacked to instead serve as a vehicle for revolutionary communique! fur collar banana oil. fur collar the recontextualization of not just disposable but disposed of victorian imagery in the milieu of 21st century web-based publication and distribution is a baldly ironic statement of luddite intransigence, but with a humanizing layer of nostalgia and longing for vanished standards of craftsmanship and civility top hat you must be thinking of norman rockwell, probably because you're a dumbass. fur collar yeah, okay, i'm a dumbass. how's marxism working out for you these days? a family of four is sitting around a dinner table, with a maid standing to the left. a giant fly is sitting with them with his back to us, and the woman seated at the table is passing it something. narrator meanwhile, across town at cheaplaugh manor... woman more poop, grand inquisitor? fly bzz zzz zzzt zzzzt zz zzz zzzz z zzzz zz! cheaplaugh manor is on piddlepaddle lane at the intersection of whoopydoo and yardeyardeyaryar footer guest comic by greg peters (suspect-device.com) a man and woman are crouched in front of a tombstone woman could we possibly find another date venue? this isn't romantic? woman mark, people are starting to talk... narrator true enough, people were starting to talk... two women and a man stare at a deformed froglike creature standing upright woman 1 the hell is that? woman 2 jesus! i know, right? brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like it's got feelings too, you know - hopefully pain the disembodied head of abraham lincoln wears a top hat and monocle. lincoln i say, old chap, i think the most undignified way to die would be to be robbed and murdered by lower-class hooligans. the disembodied head of george washington wears an identical top hat and monocle. washington oh, i quite agree. that would certainly be a most unfashionable way to meet one's demise. lincoln i rather think i'd prefer to be attacked by some sort of poisoned razor bees to be stung, poisoned, and lacerated to death than to be snuffed by a common poor person. washington oh certainly, certainly. savage and gruesome deaths are very in these days you'd surely be the talk of the town for a few days after something like that. the disembodied head of john wilkes booth holds a gun on both of them. booth all right, guys, i get it. you'd be very ashamed to be robbed and murdered by a poor person like me. great. don't care. still going to rob and murder you both. booth now wears both top hats and both monocles. booth aw, yeah, i'm the cock of the walk! this tale smacks of historical inaccuracy a man comforts a swooning woman darling, what is the matter? woman oh heavens i cannot seem to fathom the elementary nuances of our physical makeup zoom in to see the pixels relax my pet and allow my soothing voice to explain away your distress zoom in even more you see- the elementary nuances of our physical makeup are immeasurably minuscule squares which are called-- --emotion dots... pixels i am getting a little emotion-dotty myself just thinking of it 203203; guest comic by v. shane a group of men are crowded together, looking at a mule with large ears sitting in front of an old-style gramophone labeled "mule player v.3" well gentlemen, this is the wave of the future to keep all your asses busy! caption it wouldn't be until nearly a century later that this early music proto-type would become the music standard... get it mp3 player two people, presumably men, dressed in fine clothing, are standing together. one has his hand on the other's shoulder, and they both have canes. they are talking... man 1 well here we are at my aunt zelda's porn shop man 2 the world's only victorian pornography store man 1 aunt zelda was one of the original members of polyphonic spree man 2 before the culling man 1 well we should go in and say hello man 2 yeah this cock ain't gonna suck itself suckle a teat hey man don't complain to me complain to the chicken the two-headed purple monster from "sesame street," frank & stein. head 1 wonder ... head 2 ... mark head 1 wonder? head 2 mark? head 1 wonder head 2 mark head 1 and head 2 look at each other with sudden realization head 1 and head 2 (together) wondermark! big bird every day i live is a tsunami of intense hatred and self-loathing. it's my childhood distilled scrib a this is gonna suck isn't it / scrib b it'll be fine <> scrib b huh; malki's not even home / scrib a holy sheba will you look at this / wondermark character oh, great. tourists. scrib b it's the prop motherlode / wondermark barrel <> / scrib a we should visit neighbors more often / wondermark cad! you presume! inside a room full of random drawings scrib b ugh this room's just weird / room sez you / scrib b dibs on anything that looks like ham get your scribs on keep on browsing, cops are on their way - oh my god. am i on some kind of hidden camera reality show? "don't vomit at the sight of nature's cruelties"? a stern-faced boy is "dancing" in front of phonograph fifteen seconds i don't think i'm going to win the stars of wondermark speak out on the subject of their creator a professor sits, reading from a slim volume held in his hand. professor i first made the acquaintance of young master malki ! when he came under my tutelage at oxford -- introduction to mad biochemistry, as i recall. frightfully lacking in his dedication to matters of academia. "malki !, my lad," i told him on more than one occasion, "if you persist in your obsession with comical engravings when you should be hard at work developing better and more virulent strains of neurotoxin, then i fail to see how you ever hope to inspire fear in the governments of the world." but some boys just refuse to listen. a woman dressed entirely in black, holding a knife. woman where is he -- let me at the bastard -- next time you try to pay off a jilted lover, david !, you'd best be sure the check don't bounce. fool gon' wish he'd been born without eyeballs, once i gets to stabbin'. a man wearing a sandwich board, which reads "no comment" a man wearing a porkpie hat, sitting on a bench reading his newspaper. he removes his spectacles. david malki ! is not an easy man to know. he's like ... like a row which has been filled completely save for a 3 and a 7, but there is not enough information in the surrounding grid to determine which digit should go box, a delicate state a single misstep could lead to further erroneous assumptions, compounding upon itself until the entire puzzle is rendered unsalvageable. sometimes i suspect he doesn't even *like* sudoku. this is your life read it while sipping tea man with monocle and top hat ...and the tumor was this big! he literally only had seconds to live. so, like any good doctor would, i pointed to the sky and yelled "hey, tumor, look at that" and then wrestled that damn neoplasm to the ground! and...then... man with monocle silent man with monocle and top hat christ, bob! are you listening at all? bob, with glasses and mustache, looks bug-eyed at reader. bob only likes to watch he's still doooooing it alien girl whatcha doin, honey? / nerd hu oh, just taking some old art i found and recontextualizing it into humorous comic strips. take a look! comic strip garfield i hate mondays / goku then we must destroy them rrrraaaaarrrgh back to the room alien girl that...that isn't very funny. are you sure this is a good idea? / nerd hu don't question me, woman, or i'll have you deported back to venus. i demand that my future be this colorful and wide man 1 apparently dinosaurs have come back to life and are walking around. man 2 awesome man 1 and they can talk too! they're talking dinosaurs. woman fuckin' yeah man 1 i wish i could meet one. dinosaur right here dude dinosaur right fuckin' here man 1 ahem. i don't respond to swearing. dinosaur i can't talk without swearing because i have fuckin' problems shocks sorry mom a man holding a miniature scythe sits on a chair as a woman leans over him woman merry christman, darling! time to unwrap your present! begone, woman. the depths of the soul i must plumb alone. woman dearest one, torture yourself no longer. your lover is near! death is the lover of us all, and he knows no foreplay. woman i should never have gotten you that mini-scythe. to me my eyeshadow! i would make a vlog entry. ghod you emo kids scenes from a clown funeral clown laying in casket. people are paying their last respects. voice (out of frame) he's a sad clown. sad (thinks) how did they fit so many in one casket? clown with black armband (thinks) the funeral home painted you up like a $2 whore. boy (thinks) good. also pretend they are wearing top hats or riding velocipedes or something a mustachioed man, malki !, stands in his library reading. he is dressed in a white tuxedo. malki ! oh. hello there! i'm david malki !, explorer, industrialist, and ceo of wondermark industries ... walks over to a set where a man is preparing to take a photograph. malki ! behind the scenes here at wondermark, we work to ensure that only the highest quality product reaches your homes and offices. photographer lose the pince-nez, chuck. we're going for upper-middle, not idle rich with this one. chuck gotcha. a technician in a lab coat is sitting at a computer workstation. malki ! our scientists and technicians toil 'round the clock, honing the anachronisms and incongruities that have become synonymous with "wondermark." two scientists stand with a tribesman in a grass skirt and tiki mask. scientist 1 ... so 25% more "ooga booga," and hold the spear two degrees left ... tribes like this? scientist 2 better. malki ! why do we do this? some might say it's because we're crazy ... well, if caring about your customers is crazy, then we don't want to be ... dammit! line? higgins (out of frame) "sane," mr. malki !, sir. malki ! ... we don't want to be spain. director (out of frame) -- aaand cut! malki ! removes his tie while talking to his assistant. malki ! thank god that's done! higgins, where's my goddamn appletini?! denise, cancel my appointments. and fire higgins. higgins (rushes over with a martini glass) coming mr. malki !, sir! every word the gospel truth 215215; logic begets loneliness a woman carrying a bundle walks down a country lane with a bearded old man in a robe. look, a doggie! hi there baby! look who's a cute little guy! woman don't go near him, he's probably rabid or something. rabid?! when's the last time you saw a rabid dog around here? when have you *ever* seen a rabid dog? i guarantee that there are more people *afraid* of rabid dogs than there actually *are* rabid dogs by a factor of at least a hundred. once again, logic trumps caution. the woman has left. well, looks like it's just you and me, buddy. dog rrrrrrr foaming lips logic also trumps lust, fate, and medicine 216216; marvin is all set houses in the city. a horse-drawn carriage rolls past. dad so, marvin, what are your plans for the future? marvin oh, i've got it all figured out. dad is building a model ship. marvin first i'll flunk out of college, then i'll marry too young. as i abandon the carefree days of youth for those of ever-increasing responsibility, i'll grow bitter and withdrawn. marvin my resentful attitude toward fatherhood will yield spiteful and maladjusted children. on my deathbed, i will plead with them for reconciliation. to no avail. dad well, so long as you've got a plan. marvin my fallback is coke mule. eyes forward julio said i'd be a natural 217217; much is left to the imagination a dapper young fellow hands a box to an old man with a beard. young yes, i'd like to return this single-serving smoothie maker. old look like the box been opened. young well, er, yeah, that's the thing. when i opened it i found a wedding card inside. i think this was a gift that someone returned. old so whassa big deal ... young the, um, pyrex mixing cylinder showed signs of use. old newlyweds. you broke it you bought it it has three speeds and a 'liquefy' setting 218/ [218; one wheel would be enough old man is seated on a chair looking forlorn while nurse busies herself nearby. old man, i spent two hours today trying to ride a unicycle, and i just sucked. nurse well, what did you expect? people spend years perfecting unicycling. old yeah, i know. but it would be so cool to just cruise down the street on a unicycle! you see a unicycle coming at you, man, you move. nurse i'm sure it would just take practice. old people look at you differently when you're on a unicycle. you're a different person. i wanna be that person. softly why can't i be who i want to be. nurse do you want advice? or just pity. old i want a freakin' unicycle pine if i were on a desert island with a unicycle i bet within six weeks i would be inventin' all sorts of mad new techniques 219/ [219; god has an expense account a booming voice thunders from an office building. fidelity mutual hath defiled themselves before me. thou shalt put their executive board to the sword. their cubicles shall become dung-hills and their parking garage a wasteland i am the lord. their office manager thou may takest for thy spoils. god almighty, the lord of hosts, the king of kings, speaks to a room full of office workers. harken to my words, ye servants of the most high, and ye freelancers too personal emails are an abomination unto my sight. if ye drinketh the last of the coffee and not maketh more, thou shalt be put to death. for any intern thou hast raped, thou must forfeit one sick day. caption if god of the old testament ran a fortune 500 company god and lo, i shall bring pestilence and locusts to all of accounts payable, until someone teaches cynthia the proper use of the 'reply all' button. jesus is my executive v.p. at there are ten commandments but eight of them are about parking spaces and the other two are about food left in the fridge over the weekend 220/ [220; a plan comes together several bearded men in turbans sit around a table. leader i want to see some outside-the-box ideas here, okay? target western devils. brainstorm. mahmoud go. mahmoud we could, like, ram the space shuttle with a blimp. leader (off) not bad, but bigger. mahmoud bigger. um. two blimps. three. excited terrorist (off) no, no, no! c'mon, you guys! you're not seeing the big picture! excited terrorist it's not about how many dozens of imperialists we can kill... it's about how many millions we can inconvenience at airports for decades to come. excited terrorist now stay with me here guys. what's the dumbest bomb ingredients you can think of? bearded guy uh... hair gel and an ipod. excited terrorist you laughed at the shoe thing too, remember? ideas are born at also they have installed moles at the x-ray machines who foil imperialism by working reeeeally slowly 221221; a kid says a darndest thing interior with a woman and her daughter woman are you all washed up for dinner? do you want some juice? daughter no! no juice! woman honey, you like juice! daughter juice are responsible for all the wars in the world. reference to mel gibson's alleged comment that jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. daughter sugartits. reference to what mel gibson allegedly called the female police officer who apprehended him for drunk driving. view shifts to include an old man in a chair woman grandpa! woman no more access hollywood in this house grandpa i watches what i wants in vino veritas at topical humor again guys 222222; youths delight in a prank two gentlemen talking. last night, the doorbell rings, real late. i answer the door, and there's this paper bag sitting there, burning away. and it's obvious. i know it's fulla poop. i'm not gonna stomp on it like a sucker. so i go back inside, turn up the tv, ignore the doorbell. some giggling idiot probably waited in the bushes for an hour, but i never came back outside. long story short, house burned down. also, turned out the bag had a baby in it. man 2 what that's where the poop came from! withhold satisfaction don't worry it wasn't a ____* baby (*your race, religion, ethnicity or other subgroup) 223223; an ape is totally emo man 1 and this is the chimpanzee exhibit. quite a remarkable specimen, if i do say so myself. man 2 are those - is he wearing glasses? photo of chimp in glasses man 1 off panel oh, yes. he's quite nearsighted. we got him some of those trendy black ones - they were on sale. man 1 anyway, sometime between then and monday morning he somehow got himself an acoustic guitar and a myspace account. chimp with guitar my soul is in a cage/oh the scars on my wrists tell a story/why did you run away from me/i didn't mean to hit you with my feces/oh yeah my feces express yourself there are also songs about bananas, pining, and pining for bananas 224224; conjugal relations factor a man and a woman sit in a lavish bedroom so, this was your room as a kid, huh? woman yeah. kind of... i mean, yes, it was, but mom's changed it a lot since then. woman i used to have everything a certain way. my books, my stuffed guys. now it's all weird. why did your mom change it around? woman because now we're married. you aren't expected to stay in the guest room. mom put a bigger bed in here than there's ever been. voice from the wall i still don't hear any sex in there woman god, mother woman we're trying sleep tight sigh. more true life comics, folks. 225225; some suffer while others profit caption who's affected by the new airline security regulations? a hand holds a card indicating that bottles are prohibited caption duty-free shops clerk last chance for cheap booze! / waitaminnit you can't take what on the plane caption toiletries merchants shopkeeper man, i've been selling clean out of deodorant, hand lotion, and perfume! / i swear, it's like people been throwing it away. caption opportunistic tv journalists journalist is air travel safe? i managed to smuggle over sixteen ounces of liquid onto this flight. / in my bladder. adapt shocker! i was able to unleash my liquid ingredient in the lavatory and no one stopped me 226226; blood is in the air a young man and an older man, both dressed in suits, ties, and vests, are riding what appears to be a large-wheeled side-by-side tandem device older have you ever been, say, eating a piece of chicken, and you feel your tooth scrape against the bone or you hear a tendon snapping a certain way... close-up of younger man and older man older and for an instant, you're transported back to a different time, a more feral time, when man hunted his food and life was short... older and you feel a sadness, in a way, because the chicken you eat today is factory-farmed, and your teeth are artificially strenghtened by fluoridated water, and you wonder if you would even survive back then... older and you know the answer is no, but you make yourself think that's okay, that even if you don't know how to be a man you still know how to drive a car, or program your tivo... close-up of just the older man older ...but deep down, you still wonder if that's enough? same angle as first panel younger i...i felt exactly like that, just yesterday! older i know. i read your blog. make it convincing doesn't really matter whether 'read' is past tense or present tense 227227; relationships distilled to their purest form howie martha! it's lovely to see you again. / martha why, if it isn't howie, come crawling back to me! howie gosh, it's been ages, hasn't it? / martha why, i haven't seen you since... since... martha ...since you left me for that tramp standing behind you! / howie right, of course! the one that i like better than you. speak your mind basically you keep trading up until you reach a ceiling, and then you wait for death 228/ [228; life is freaking hard father you are nearly to the age, my son, when you will become a man. father soon, nothing will be handed to you any longer. you will fight for everything, snatching every small victory from the unrelenting jaws of fate. father each day you must reassert your primacy anew over your own destiny. and all the while, your body will daily discover new and horrid frailties in its slow, inexorable march towards death. son but papa! i don't wanna be a man! son by which i mean, i wish i didn't have to grow up. father okay, yeah. thanks for clarifying that. fly with wendy at because, you know, if you're, um, serious, i have some websites you can look at 229229; james never does call a young woman is standing and holding a violin. another young woman is sitting at an endtable which holds a candlestick telephone. woman with violin hey rose, are you coming out with us? rose nah, i'm pretty sure james is gonna call any minute! rose oh crap what if he called while i was in the other room? rose maybe he left a message and it didn't beep or something. rose did i give him the right number? i hope i didn't give him the old number rose should i call him again? or is once an hour too stalkery? rose c'mon ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring rose oh snaps! when did i put it on silent? rose he's probably been trying to call all day! narrator meanwhile a man with a bow and arrow is aiming at a butterfly wait for it alt text dude do you think it will explode when i shoot it because that would be awesome 230230; an infant is quantified wife did you hear? jody had a baby! seven pounds, three ounces, twenty inches long. husband wait, why do i care how long the baby was? husband who decided which random measurements would represent this newborn to the world? "we've birthed an offspring. the circumference of its head is 35 centimeters." husband "its first bowel movement yielded 400 grams of excretum, having the viscosity of warm butter." wife you can't do anything that anyone else does, can you. husband "it's got a ding-dong, but we should probably hold off on those measurements for a couple years or so." measure up 'it exhibits a striking lack of comprehension of even the most rudimentary precepts of fire safety' 231231; roger attempts a scheme seashore. a woman is standing with her hands in her hair, possibly tying back a loose strand. an old skeevy man pinches her on the bottom. here comes the grope monster! woman eep! woman turns to face the man. oh! terribly sorry, i thought you were my sister! woman th-that's quite all right woman . . . wait, what? i mean mother! i thought you were my mother! she beats feet. he is alone. (thinking) i thought that went pretty well. unidentified but we all know what it is body part me, too. keep trying me three 232232; is marked an anniversary of birth a man shows off his new mandolin - check it out, i got this for my birthday. - hey, i didn't know it was your birthday! happy birthday! - thanks. yeah. i don't really like to make a big deal out of it. / i mean, you know, if someone else wanted to, like, throw a huge party or something... / ...i wouldn't be against it. (i might even like it.) i just feel weird asking for it. / like, "oh, hey, everybody look at me, everyone treat me special because i was born." / it would be self-centered of me to ask that of everybody, so instead i ignore what i, personally, may in fact want. - essentially you're describing how a civilized society functions despite the presence of individual ego. - essentially i am making a veiled plea for belated presents. stay calm preferably gift cards please because seriously a mandolin? seriously? 233233; reality factors man in army uniform with a gun approaches a man playing the accordion general sir, i've recieved a number of complaints. i'm going to ask that you stop immediately. accordion player s-stop what? general you're facing charges of posting joke movie trailers on youtube; six counts of thinking you're a band because you have a myspace; and felony podcasting. general i'm sorry. i've read your livejournal. you are not a talented creative professional. accordion player b-but i have a mac! face facts also, webcomics 234234; a norseman succumbs a viking faces off against a soldier guarding a castle with a gatling gun olaf this is a raid you shall all perish by the hand of olaf the - oh, wait, what's that - that's new smitty whaa? huh? olaf oh, nothing! just passing through! looks like you guys made some, um, improvements since i was here scouting the area for conquest- i mean - um - dropping off that muffin basket. smitty what, this? this is nothing! it's our new taffy machine! olaf t-taffy machine? smitty go on, take a close look! unless you don't want some delicious taffy! olaf i do like a good taffy <> olaf is cut clear in half by the "taffy machine" smitty delicious taffy. general smitty are you running the taffy machine again and not sharing trust me hey where did this muffin basket come from 235235; peter reveals much - man, i hate my boss! - oh yeah, me too. - he's always late, so we start the day behind, and i've got to make up the slack. - my boss sleeps 'til noon. then he screws around on the internet for the rest of the day. often he really, i mean really, smells. i think he bathes like once a week. and yesterday, i was working on some emails when he just cold put his hand down my pants. couldn't do nothing to stop it. needless to say, not much got done that day. - my god, man! where do you work - i'm self-employed. hard at work i am also self-employed 236236; melon provokes mayhem first the place is supposed to be toity, so i go for the salisbury steak, figure why not. first waiter says to me, "that comes with rice, fries, or fruit plate." first so i ask him, calmly, "is it a real fruit plate, or is it just melons?" you know how they do. second sure first so he brings it out and it's cantaloupe this, and honeydew that... first why would he lie? why would he do that? second ...so that's when you broke off a fork in his temple. make your point as your attorney i must advise you toin the future obtain signed releases prior to any further episodes of forkery 237237; the mayhem is compounded first you stabbed a waiter for bringing you melon. second 'course. so, what, can i sue the place, what happens from here? first can you sue the restaurant. second emotional distress, innit. first i gotta say, your case would be a lot stronger if you hadn't gone on to shank that fat woman. second that was separate! she called my leggings "effete" file suit and so they are 238238; education is vital a man makes amorous advances towards a woman. woman stop that henry, not now! i'm defending my thesis tomorrow. i have to prepare. defending it from whom? communists? pirates? communist pirates? ninjas? ninjas on unicycles? woman yes ninjas on unicycles now can i please work for a while the woman stands in front of a display easel riddled with shuriken the next morning woman ...as you can see, the data clearly supports the conclusion. ninja on unicycle kiiiaaaiiiii a ninja on a unicycle is charging the woman with katana and shuriken in hand make it count the communist pirates are for the liberal arts subjects and there are erudite dinosaurs for computer science 239239; aid comes to marriage a man is working on what appears to be a steam column - whatcha building? - marital aid. - wh-what? marital aid? this huge thing is some sort of- some sort of sex toy? - what? no! / it's a television isolation pod. (sicko) turn it down 140 horsepower, steam powered, 85 decibels idling - like all the best marital aids 240240; three ways to leave a lover caption what he wanted to say i hate your smell and your voice and your self. i've already changed my name. you will never find me. caption what he should have said ski trip. very dangerous. if you never see me again- if i don't survive- always know - i loved you as best a man could love a goddess. caption what he said i'm so sorry i'm such an idiot i'm so sorry / anyway could you please forward my mail figure it out um, i guess you can keep the stuff addressed to 'resident'? because technically you would be the, uh, the only, like, resident 241241; blood is sucked this is a monumental step for you. thank you for offering yourself up to me. girl lying on slab no, thank you! i'm so excited i shall tap your artery and slake my eternal thirst. then no longer will you walk among the living. girl i normally drive anyway i will drink deeply of your lifeblood. for this is my sustenance. girl oooh, i can't wait! how long does it take before i become a vampire? a what? bite down seriously what are you talking about 242242; knowledge is free two men talking man2 saw you on campus today! are you going to school now? man1 well, i'm not what you might call "officially enrolled." but i am indeed going to classes! man1 i found that the whole registration, homework, grading paradigm wasn't really serving my personal learning needs. man1 it's really liberating, not having to worry about being tested on every dumb thing! man1 and it makes listening to lectures so much more interesting. man1 with hundreds of people in those lecture halls, they don't mind one more dude in the back of the room. man1 free education, sucka! man2 they let you just audit classes for free? man1 not so much let me as don't know i'm there. man1 though if i fill too many more blue books with manifestos they may start to get an inkling. crack the books i have long held that this would totally work 243243; a houseguest factors two men (from comic 242) talking man1 the professor in my psychology lecture has a real interesting philosophy. man1 he believes there are invisible "boundaries" between the roles of student and teacher. man1 needless to say, i tend to disagree. man1 in fact, i'm heading over to his house in a bit to discuss the issue. man2 to - to his house? man2 does he know you're coming over? man1 he should! man1 i called like twenty times keep it going gasp! continuity! 244244; the wrong kind of sugar boy trick or treat! ooh, what a scary little pirate! / do you want to see some real pirate relics? do you like playing pirate? do you bask in the flush of power it provides? the joy of living totally for pleasure, completely outside the law? it's a little-known fact that pirates were actually very good listeners and always obeyed grown-ups. (hang a left at the trapdoor) hey! pirates don't cry! and pirates don't tell their parents poison candy kids if you are ever in this situation be sure to get a copy of the video 245245; misfortune is heralded - pretty good chinese food, huh? - yeah! here, you forgot your fortune cookie. - 'you are very kind to friends.' man, i hate that. that's not a fortune. what's yours say? - 'scream car elephant young be much mangle.' man, someone screwed up in the translation department. an elephant is speeding in a car and is inches away from them - aaah no brakes <> prescient pasty nooo braaaaakesss 246246; participants in democracy girl is talking to a turtle on a chair katie okay, c'mon, sample ballot page eight propositions. shall the state chapter be amended and ordinance adopted to fund a bond measure allocated for infrastructural repairs? katie fiscal impact state costs of $8 billion over five years. are you getting this?! katie oh, jules, there's just so much for you to remember! and we haven't even looked at justice appointments. father katie, honey, you're being very silly. jules is a turtle. / the polls close in an hour. at a dead sprint he'd barely make it to the kitchen. your civic duty is jules moves slowly is the thing 247247; marcie melts a woman cries out to a man who stands with his arms crossed, his back to her woman i'm mmmellllltiiiinnnnngggggg... she is melting, and quite visibly at that finally she is just a pool of ooze and/or goop are you through being dramatic emote seriously 248248; love is valued a woman is walking in the surf by the ocean. the wind is blowing and she is looking pensively off-panel. woman remember the last time we were together? woman when i left for the bus stop, you jumped on your bike and beat me there. woman we had an extra ten minutes. a haggard-looking man is sitting on what appears to be a bucket, back against a wall, bag at his feet. then, once you got on the bus, i hailed a cab and met you at the train station. we stole an hour from the gods of fate. same picture as panel 1 woman after i boarded the train, i half-expected you to get on a plane and be waiting for me when i got home... same picture as panel 2 yeah but seriously that would have been like a thousand dollars. life is compromise i did send you an email though 249249; borat is misquoted two men looking at a woman man1 really nice, how much? man2 dude, stop. seriously, let's just nip this in the bud. man2 look, i bit my tongue for austin powers. man2 i gritted my teeth through napoleon dynamite. man2 but i don't want to spend the next twelve to eighteen months suffering through your impaired version of borat. man2 i mean, you don't even have the line right! it's "very nice, how much." man1 man, you've been doing borat forever! how come you can but i can't? man2 because when i do it, it's funny. great success 'she ees my seester' ha ha ha ha ha wait why aren't you laughing 250250; johnson gets carried away a group of researchers examine a large egg astonishing! johnson, bring the calipers. i'd wager this is the largest ovum on record! oh my... i wonder what on earth a bird of this size could eat! in the background, a large bird is attacking the bystanders duck then, with a mighty caw, the beast whirled and dumped a gallon of chalky white right on rosa's bonnet 251251; we leave early a dinner party fat the japanese in world war ii were determined to fight to the very last man. that was their battle plan! took a couple of bombs, but we changed their minds. i think these iraqis don't have half the resolve we think they do. fat george bush should call a press conference. "the bombs are already in the air. you have 15 seconds to surrender." other "fifteen seconds! accept jesus christ quick so you'll get into heaven!" fat then we could just take the oil and be done with it. caption 100% true things i overheard at the dinner table this thanksgiving fat and then, another nuke, bam, right in the heart of paris. stick to your guns and then they all laughed 252252; girls are many-splendored things a man leers as a woman removes her stockings. oh! my angel of desire! long have i caught my breath, ne'er daring hope that this day might come... one more glimpse of that alabaster flesh stirs in me a fever i'd but dreampt of on the boldest of painkillers. woman okay, just to be clear... woman girls aren't always comfortable in the role of idealized object. even girls fart. ...like, often? woman sometimes i get a few seconds' warning. i'll try to throw you some sort of hand gesture. hold it in three fingers for a 'hard fart' 253253; jody burns some trash two men stand over a deep pit, which emits white smoke man 1 oh man, that smells great! deep-pit barbeque? man 2 nah, just burnin' some trash. man 1 looks at the pit in shock, as a scream is heard <> man 1 ! several arms and legs are seen sticking up through the smoke man 1 d-did you hear that? man 2 hear what? man 1 wait, what are you even doing? man 2 nothing roast but if you think it smells good now you should come back this afternoon when i add the hickory sauce 254254; mike flails around for a while gentleman in various positions of flailing arms and legs throughout comic gentle hurk gentle grah gentle huh-huh-huh-huh-huh gentle sonuva yarrrggh gentle ah for the luvva gentle crap! crap crap crap crap crap spectator tourette's? gentle wii boxing exclaim why can't i uppercut 255255; larceny must adapt - hey, when did macduff's corner bookshop become a borders? / i hate it when little mom-n-pop places get bought out by corporate megastores. - what exactly do you hate about it? is it the wider selection of books at the bigger stores? or all the jobs that were created for the community? / how about the fact that you can sit and read for three hours and old man macduff can't chase you out with his cane? (he can only stare wistfully through the window) - or, i'll bet the lower prices really have you in a tizzy. - most of my complaints revolve around the security system no longer being of the "old man napping in chair" model. discounts five finger discount more like huge cardboard box discount 256256; henry is wrong a couple is in the glorious outdoors woman oh, henry! this picnic was just what i needed. i get so worn out having to watch emily all the time. she gets into such mischief! woman speaking of which - who's looking after her now? henry ah, i'm sure she's fine. probably doing girl stuff - playing with dolls, you know, or baking muffins or some crap like that. emily is in bed with a wolf in a bonnet emily we cannot tell anybody. sneak around 'baking muffins' is a euphemism 257257; libs are enmaddened a bearded man in a suit resting on a fireplace's mantelpiece with his back turned. there is a woman sitting in a chair, we see her profile. the two are looking at each other. suited man with beard noun? woman in chair umm...monkey suited man with beard verb, past tense. woman in chair tickled. and/or snuggled suited man with beard part of the body? woman in chair uvula man with beard and hat enters, cradling a flugel flugel mad libs? woman in chair bible mad libs. suited man with beard the israelites farted in the monkey of the lord, and he snuggled them into the uvula of the midianites. woman and hee hee hee fill in the blanks seriously, 'blasphemous pronoun'? 258258; babies become banal a man and a woman are having a cup of coffee sitting at a dining room table. woman everyone thinks having a baby is sooo special. woman "ohh! look at me! i'm having a baby!" woman well it's not. woman unless doing something that everyone since the dawn of time has done is somehow unique and amazing. don't tell me you're jealous. woman all i'm saying is that beverly has a creature living inside of her whereas i am a perfectly healthy human being totally devoid of parasites woman and where are the gifts and flowers for me spawn there are no prizes for being a decent person. there are, however, several for eating cakes of butter, or choking down an imperial quart of milk in 3.2 seconds (1978 record) 259259; our first president is baked official once your name is announced, you'll cross the podium and stand next to adams. george washington ...all i gotta do is just touch my arm - and a million skin cells fly off. a million of 'em! jus' hangin' in the air! probly breathin' 'em up. you ever think of that george washington and? did you know there are over six octillion processes happening in your body every second? if i had an electron microscope i could tell 'em thanks! thanks for all the hard work! but i don't. cuz of martha. soldier they're ready for the general outside. official tell the senate he'll be a few minutes. also, find out where these brownies came from. george washington turning away woah, food! when i eat a twinkie it turns into me! chillax oh that hamilton what a prankster 260260; a plan ends poorly beth man, i didn't get any coal in my stocking! dad promised that if i wasn't good, i'd get coal. and i think we can all agree that i have been anything but good this year. mother you don't ever really get coal. it's just something they say to scare you into being good. beth but what if someone really wanted coal? for- for some reason? mother honestly, beth, just when i didn't think you could get any weirder. beth is wistfully looking at a large robot with a top hat beth well, steamovak, i think we gotta figure out a new plan. keep the flame alive through the quiet crackle of cooling embers she thought she almost heard him weeping. but it was probably just a faint hiss of steam, or else the wind, or else the sorrowful ghosts of her long year full of many purposeful misdeeds 261261; james brown is ... well, you know a balding man and a woman sit at a wall table. the man holds a slip of paper. did you hear? james brown died. woman oh, no! that's too bad. man, that really sucks. the preceding was a test. can you name any james brown albums? any songs, even? you are not now, nor have you ever been, a james brown fan. woman so? can't a person be sympathetic to someone dying? well, sure. but don't pretend that this bit of news is rocking your world, or that it will affect you in any way. we do not need to tivo the memorial service and then archive it on tape. we do not need to buy, and then keep forever, the inevitable people magazine commemorative issue. woman can we at least do a little dance? make a little love? get down tonight? that was kc and the sunshine band get up offa that thang i worked on the television campaign for the movie 'robots' and at one point we used the james brown song 'dr. detroit' and there is a line that goes, 'get up offa that thang, dance 'til you feel better, get up offa that thang, tryn'ta relieve that pressure' and i swear it was so infectious i had to keep standing up and dancing feverishly before i could go on 262262; disdain is turned inward a tall man stands proudly, speaking to a shorter man in a fur cap. tall people are sheep. i don't like anything that the masses like. tall hollywood movies? please. corporate radio? gag me. he holds out what appears to be a large bell. earphones run from the bell to the shorter man's ears. tall instead of homogenized crap, listen to this indie track from my non-ipod mp3 player. shorter you don't watch tv, do you? tall tv? ugh. more like vd. shorter 'cause this song was on a burger king commercial. the tall man recoils, grasping his head as if in pain tall aah my indie cred rebel it's soiled forever 263263; core beliefs called into question a man and a woman are in a domestic setting. woman are you the sort of person who has a reasoned set of beliefs, and makes decisions based on them? woman or do you simply take action however you please, rationalizing your worldview into alignment? that's a dumb question. why would you ask such a dumb question. woman i'm trying to imagine the sequence of events that led to the cat spending the night in the dishwasher. oh, that's easy. see, the paint thinner was just making things worse. lather, rinse, repeat probably have to run the silverware again 264264; alcoholism factors a man, who we'll call edgar, sits at a table resting his head on one hand and eyeing a bottle on the table. edgar i'm tired of drinking my life away. time to sober up and get back to the real world. edgar stands and is now talking to his wife alberta. edgar honey, i'm off the sauce and back for good. alberta oh, good. then you can help me with the bankruptcy filing. edgar b-bankruptcy? alberta we have to get the papers in by morning or they foreclose on the house. alberta then we've got billy's juvie hearing, but the car blew a head gasket, so we'll have to leave at five am to catch the bus. also, the basement is flooded, your mother keeps calling, and i'm pregnant. edgar returns to the table, eyeing the bottle once more. imbibe now i remember 265265; harvey is a hater man and woman are sitting in chairs talking so what's this threadless thing? woman it's a site where you can upload your own t-shirt designs, and people vote on them. people who? like random internet people? woman yeah, like anyone who visits the site. that sounds retarded. seriously, that sounds like shallow, "web 2.0" overblogged crap making one company rich of the backs of a bunch of wannabe-hipster suckers. woman y-you really think so? nah, i just like raining on parades. buck the trend sort of one of my 'things' 266266; rascals attempt to woo two fellows stand in a field consulting a map rascal 1 yeah, dude, i have no idea where that taco bell is. rascal 2 heads up, someone's coming- a proper lady walks by rascal 1 ...as soon as he fell over i rushed to his side but it was too late... my judo strike had paralyzed him instantly. he was limp, his blood hot on my hands. rascal 1 i thought i saw one last goodbye trembling in his icicle eyes... and then he was gone. i am not ashamed to say that i cried that day. i cried a buttload. the lady has now walked by and is gone rascal 2 she was totally into you make yourself heard totally 267267; prognostication occurs - you know what's weird? our kids will be- - whoa, whoa, hold your horses there, buddy. our kids? / like, offspring resulting from some hypothetical union of you and me? i don't know what sort of abnormal philandering you're hinting at, but leave me and my chromosomes out of your sick plans, okay? - actually, i meant "our kids" in the general sense, as in "a future generation of society". - oh. - i was gonna say, our kids will be incapable of conceiving a world before the invention of the internet. - dude, i'm incapable of conceiving a world before the invention of the internet. experiment daddy what's a phone book 268268; a moral dilemma - went by hot topic the other day. they had a pretty rad ninja turtles t-shirt. - hot topic? geez, man! - i know! i know! - i really do not want to give in to their crass and obvious pandering to my demographic. / but yet i really want a ninja turtles t-shirt. i have been agonizing over this. - well, i guess you could somehow convince yourself that shopping for t-shirts at hot topic is ironic in itself. - i will inhabit any fantasy world that will put shredder on my body. suck it up note for international readers hot topic is a store found in suburban shopping malls. they sell a bizarre combination of naughty novelties, goth gear like corsets and boots, and trendy logo shirts with 'clever' sayings and nintendo characters and the emblems of punk rock bands that were big a decade before the average customer was born. it is the dictionary definition of over-the-counter counterculture. 269269; johann gets a job - what game do you want to play today, johann? - can we play job interview? - again? okay. / i've looked over your resume and you seem very well suited for the position of little boy. - i have many years of experience in the field. - i think you would be a good fit here. / do you have salary requirements? - my rate is... eight million dollars an hour. - that sounds reasonable. can you start on monday? - (crap! bet i coulda got nine million) readers wanted always lead high and negotiate down 270270; giddiness is annoying - all set for the next reading. miss jones, are you ready to copy? - um, actually, it's "mrs. fogerty" now. - very well, mrs. fogerty, please take down these numerals eight, six, th- - 'cause the thing is, i got married! yay me, right? / still so excited you guys - mrs. fogerty, please. we are in a laboratory environment. we do not care about your wedding. - what does being in lab have to do with it? - nothing. we just don't care about your wedding. restrain yourself i left the album right here on my desk so i could show everyone later - how in the world could it have gotten caught in the shredder 271271; mr. swanson has high hopes - i know how to ensure that our son will change the world! his first and middle names should be some other, famous name, as in "martin luther king". / or "george washington carver, soybean hero". - how about genghis khan swanson. idi amin swanson. james k. polk swanson. rudolf diesel swanson. - you just want a kid named diesel. man makes a dawning realization - vin diesel swanson. - sigh. i knew that was coming. and that saddens me. plan ahead o.j. simpson swanson 272272; shirley makes dubious claims to insanity - one thing you should know about me is that i'm crazy! i mean, i am a nut! everybody's always telling me, shirley, you are so quirky! and i'm all, i know! - for example, sometimes i'll eat peanut butter right out of the jar! seriously! and today - i'm wearing two different-colored socks! just to be wacky! - i guess i've always just been weird! how about you? - when you went to answer the phone, i took a dump in your toaster. self-diagnose but i wouldn't really call that 'weird' 273273; a metaphorical fence is straddled walking down a street, a grandfather and boy discuss life and religion grandfather i'm gonna say it 'spiritual but not religious' is a cop-out. there are millions of wacky religious sects in the world. no matter what you believe, i'm sure you could find someone who agrees with you. grandfather but declaring a religion hems you into declaring beliefs. and it's much easier to just leave that door open by claiming to be 'spiritual'. the free pass that affords for your smug little know-it-all libido is just gravy. boy i reserve the right to change my mind. the world is complex, and i'm only human. claiming certainty just so you don't call me names would be a sham. grandfather i'm sure there's a church for that, too. boy there is, but the chicks are all downers. sure things always hung up on nihilism for the sake of nihilism and never wanting to snuggle 274274; faith is renewed teacher so, have you found a church home yet? student yeah! i found one built on the basic principle that mexicans are lazy. teacher w-what? that's patently offensive. student we sing songs about how mexicans are lazy, kids go to mexicans-are-lazy camp, there's all this ritual chanting... but now is a tough time. recently the church splity into factions - my group thinks zacatecanos are the laziest, but some crazy nutjobs think it's oaxacans. what a bunch of idiots! student those turncoat heretics are all gonna burn in baja someday. says so in scripture. teacher scripture? what holy text did you find that lunacy in? student webster's dictionary. but you have to read it in a very precise order. teacher well, one more book to ban from schools. sacred beliefs anyone read the 'ask a mexican' column in the alt-weeklies? true story - i went to college with that dude and at one point apparently made him so mad that he wrote a letter to the school paper complaining about me 275/ [275; a cat plays the piano [a couple is watching as a cat plays a contiguous mess of sixteenth-notes on the piano] - what? woman i said, "aren't you glad that our cat can play the piano?" ...yeah. yeah, i'm freaking thrilled. [the couple leaves and the cat takes notice] [the cat begins to play an intricate composition] [the man peeks his head back and the cat resumes playing poorly] practice can you imagine? hours and hours and hours of sixteenth-notes 275b275; a cat plays the piano man and woman talking to each other. cat on piano keyboard behind them. sixteenth notes in background of panel. -what? woman i said, "aren't you glad our cat can play the piano?" ...yeah. yeah, i'm freaking thrilled. man and woman are gone. cat on piano looks around sneakily. nothing in panel background. man and woman are gone. enthusiastic-looking cat plays piano. complex classical music in panel background. man pokes head into panel; looks at cat. cat daintly raises paw. sixteenth notes return to background of panel. practice can you imagine? hours and hours and hours of sixteenth-notes 276276; a chance encounter two gentlemen, who we'll call julian and francisco, are walking down the street. julian have you ever been at the store or somewhere, and you see someone and you think, "i bet they're cool, i bet we could get along." julian but you can't do anything! you're at the store, they're a stranger. how come it's creepy to say to someone, "i think you look like a cool person"? julian so i said, screw that noise. we rocked some eye contact. i went for it. francisco she didn't feel the same way, i gather. julian yeah, now i gotta wear this stupid thing on my ankle. julian the penal code doesn't get me! check out she had a double coupon for my heart 277277; that sounds like a dare a mother and her moppet are chatting. mother is resting in a chaise chair, while moppet is standing beside, sweetly, hands on the armrest. moppet mom, i found this old journal of yours in the attic. you don't seem very pleased to have had me. moppet i'm referred to as 'that wailing she-demon' or 'poopy mcpoop-maker' or 'regretty mistakovich'. didn't you like me? mother honey, you were a baby! the only ones who like babies are folks who don't have to deal with them. nobody really likes poopy mcpoop-maker, but we can put up with babies. because the point of life isn't to just do things we like. it's to do things that are meaningful. moppet 'march 18 trying to raise this child is the most meaningless task i have ever attempted.' mother that's from when we were sure you were going to grow up to be the antichrist. mother knows best there's still time! 278278; rick has lofty goals two men are carrying what appears to be a kayak on their shoulders - so, ah, rick? i don't mean to be a naysayer, i mean so far it's all gone just like you said... - but what exactly are we going to do with the lake monster's phallus, anyway? - i told you! guinness-record stir fry set to boil in the world's largest wok with 800 gallons of canola oil 279279; is purchased marmoset coverage a wife stands leaning over her husband's shoulder as he examines papers at his desk. wife don't forget to write a check for our marmoset coverage. husband what? marmoset coverage? husband since when do we have marmoset coverage? wife since last month! i signed us up. wife they were having a special. husband why in the world would we need marmoset coverage? husband what is marmoset coverage? husband more to the point, why are there always these surprises waiting for me in the check ledger? close-up on the upper torso of the wife and husband, still in the same position. wife baby, if something were to - wife if you had a - wife if there was a marmoset incident - wife honey, i don't know what i'd do. and that is god's honest truth. back to original scene husband i guess it's only eighteen bucks a month. wife also write one for the zebra insurance. just in case i guess all things considered it is better to be prepared 280280; jamie feels old - i realized today that people i used to consider `old' are the exact age i am now. people i used to consider `my age' now look hopelessly young to me. - people i went to school with are now lawyers, professors, business owners. i just saw a doctor who looked young enough to be my kid. it blows my mind. - i'm taking medical advice from someone who wasn't even born until my voice was changing! he was still in diapers when i had my transgender surgery! - when you had your what bones ache guys gender reassignment surgery is a very delicate subject for many people and i'll thank you not to trivialize it for a cheap gag okay seriously [ 281281; corporate parentage is revealed two men sit at a table. one holds a glass, one holds a cigar. man 1 listen to this, on a bottle of dole pineapple juice "one of many healthy choices from pepsico." man 1 man, i thought dole was a big, happy pineapple-plantation kind of place! not some corporate subsidiary of the evil frito-lay empire! man 2 hey, i work for pepsico! it's actually a really good company. they provide great benefits for employees. man 1 r-really? oh, i didn't mean - man 1 d-do you really work for pepsi? man 2 ha ha ha! no way, man! man 2 but you sure were quick to change your tune when you thought it might offend me! man 1 acutally, for a second there i thought i was in the fast lane to free juice. man 2 sorry, dude, better stick to the traditional method. writin' angry letters claimin' you found pubes in the o. j. fresh squeezed works every time 282282; patrick does a double take two gentlemen, gustave and patrick, are conversing. gustave remember the eighties? you'd be in line behind a heavy-metal dude with long hair and think it was a chick? gustave well it's happening again. except with hipsters. gustave i see a slim figure, tight jeans, shaggy hair, sort of a pleasant boyishness - so i'm angling for a closer look - and whoops! it's a guy, wearing chuck taylors and listening to arcade fire. patrick a "pleasant boyishness"? gustave aww, do we have to have this conversation again? rock out the two men have had this conversation before. 283283; directions are given jeff has stopped his horse-drawn carriage to talk to yorick. jeff 'scuse me, i'm sort of new to the area. can you direct me to the visitor's bureau? yorick sure. take this road to the highway, then in about two miles take the exit for 'riverside.' the sign says left, but you want to go right. about a hundred yards. you can't miss it. jeff that wouldn't, by chance, put me off the side of a cliff into a pile of wrecked carriages and horse skeletons, would it? yorick hey, i thought you said you were new here! watch that last step in fact i just noticed it on my way into town and wondered, 'hmm, what a bizarre pile of wrecked carriages and horse skeletons' 284284; jason is validated jason stands with his back to donna; she and winifred are reading from a large paper. a seascape is visible in the background. donna oh, you are so handsome and virile. what would we ever do without the light you bring to our lives. jason nope, keep it coming. still feeling jumpy... winifred each day we look forward to your charming humor. you are a paragon of manhood. jason i don't know, i'm not quite convinced... the view pans back, and we now see that jason is standing atop a cliff. donna and winifred are nowhere to be seen. jason try amping up the sincerity. else i may dash my worthless body on the rocks! jason you wouldn't want that, would you, guys? jason ...guys? you are special maybe now is not the best time to mention that i honestly found your descriptions of my many heroic deeds both 1) a little over the top with the magic and 2) cribbed entirely from a harry potter book 285285; everyone is a failure octavio and dennis are talking in the street. octavio isn't it great knowing that no matter what you do, there's someone better at it than you? more dedicated? more committed? octavio like playing video games? for every hour you play, some korean kid plays five. name any sport you like. some dweeb-o's been at it all day every day since he could walk. and forget about creative media. in this day and age, not even the most avid hobbyist can compete with "pirated software and zero social life." octavio i mean anything. the dumbest thing you can concieve of, i guarantee some nerd is a certified expert at it. dennis bouncing a wiffle ball on the shell of an irate turtle while chanting archaic epithets in every indo-european language? octavio saw a dude do it on youtube for a week straight. dennis what if i'm okay with not being the world's greatest at something? what if i'm content with being an easygoing, well-rounded individual whose pursuits are more about personal enjoyment than internet competitiveness? octavio this guy in norway's been doing that since eisenhower. and he has a theme song. second best waitaminnit! it's not great to know that, what are you talking about 286286; a car considers a hypothetical a car stands at rest in front of a country house, its alarms blaring car <> nearby, a gentleman with a bowler hat and cane glances at the car. gentle you know, that's really annoying. could you please cut it out. car b-b-but i'm being stolen! gentle you're not being stolen. gentle somebody walked by you. get over it. the view closes, framing the torso of the man and the car's front fender. the car appears forlorn. car i-i'm not? car but what if i was? what if i was being stolen? gentle if you were being stolen i would throw a party. i would throw a freaking party. gentle <> that annoying car is being stolen! gentle <> hooray! party on i just wanted someone to notice me 287287 lamont suffers a scare a gentleman in riding togs holds a large metal can at arm's length gentle hey, turns out it was just some shaving cream! the scene pans out showing the same gentleman, background, while in the foreground a shadowy figure looks at him with surprise and, possibly, alarm. gentle i left the lid off. stupid dog just had to stick his nose in it. the scene pans out further, revealing the blurry figure to be a professional dispatcher of dogs holding a pistol. the pistol has been fired, evidently, for at his feet lies a very dead dog. gentle so, ah, probably... probably not rabies after all. take decisive action still it's better to be safe right 288288; a game is devised exterior of a house. reginald i put lyrics from pop songs through an internet translator, and now you have to guess what they are. interior reginald plays a lute for gladys and hans-olov. reginald "she is the end of the world, how know it us, and i feel much property." gladys who let the dogs out! hans-olov uh, no. r.e.m.? reginald yeah! how about "i have inasmuch as the sign, and same i am opened on my eyes..." gladys who let the dogs out! hans-olov darling, please. ace of base? reginald yeah, uh, how about this one "who left the dogs for the exterior?" gladys sweet home alabama! hans-olov she's really just excited to be out of the house. bright wide world in fact i married her largely because she has never listened to 96.9 hitz-fm 289289 a visitor is shunned stan an antelope-headed man bearing a large sack on his back, and wearing a dress kind villager! is this the fabled town of inclusia? where all are welcomed and respected, no matter what? stan i will not be a burden on your people! i seek no charity, nothing but to set up a small shop and let the free market determine my success. bernice keep on walkin', stranger. we're tolerant of everyone 'round here - 'cept for your kind. stan hideous antelope-creatures, or dudes in dresses? bernice republilcans. make your home also, smelly people 290290; easter is saved sigrid, carrying a basket, is talking to someone off-panel. sigrid i found lots of eggs, but before i could pick them up the big kids ran by and grabbed them all! sigrid egg hunts aren't any fun when you don't end up with any eggs. it makes for a pretty lousy easter. sigrid uh... sigrid ...if only there was something you could do... mike a massive rabbit, evidently defecating an equally large egg 'bout to make your dreams come true, little lady! wash your hands hope you like chocolate! 291291; notability is determined several villagers, led by jimbo, are appealing to someone. jimbo please! help! barbarians have attacked our village! our sons have been lost to their swords, our daughters to their lusts... jimbo they march after us even now! you must help us! we see that jimbo is appealing to the steve the steve barbarians? that's just nonsense! the steve that's an unsourced statement. you'll have to add some citations. jimbo my child died in my arms! the steve according to whom? the new york times? didn't think so! caption when wikipedia rules the world the steve come back when something in print agrees with you. words on paper are always true. guido hey, this dude wants to put pictures of his wanger into the article about genitals. we're fine with that, right? revert 'the most comprehensive encyclopaedia ever will surely need six different close-ups from various angles' 292292; disappointment looms evening; robb departs from a building. around the corner lurks a fruity-lookin' dude in a cape. robb thinking man, what a night... geez, it's midnight already. long walk home. i really hope i'm not mugged by some fruity-lookin' dude in a cape. hope against hope so not in the mood 293293; tragedy strikes ext house voice one hey, what's - are you crying? voice two no! go away! <> woman i heard you bawling all the way outside. what's wrong? i'm - i'm a bit messed up by the school shooting. woman it's touching that you're so moved, but i didn't think you were personally affected. that's just it! i'm not! i'm a complete outsider! i can't give any interviews. i can't write an op-ed column. i can't even blog about it! whenever these awful things happen, the public's massive appetite for tragedy sucks up every scrap of half-baked "expert opinion" it can find. but i can never fit my name in anywhere! if i knew anything about gun control, or campus law enforcement, or even korean immigration - maybe i'd have a shot. but you have to really specialize if you want to be the expert. and my stupid niche has yet to come up. woman oh? and what's that? guitar hero. elbow in also, vampire erotica 294294 there are no tracks bea and fernando are riding in a rail-car, holding what might be lanterns or possibly irons. fernando aw, yeah! this is the way to travel! we'll be at the zoo in no time! <> fernando wait, why'd we stop? bea <> bea you didn't finish building the track, did you? fernando oh! i - i guess i never got around to it! bea fernando! bills don't get paid, projects linger half-completed...honey, you have a problem. have you thought about going back to procrastinators anonymous? fernando oh, yeah. i meant to go back. bea but...? fernando but the people were all jerks. do it tomorrow now we will never see the pandas humping ( 295295; something happens continued from the previous comic bea and fernando ride a rail-cart along a track, still holding either irons or lanterns. fernando the problem with procrastinators anonymous is that they all sit around going to meetings instead of actually doing work. talking about being productive is not the same as actually being productive. it's just people complaining about things instead of fixing them. fernando i'm a man of action. i can't abide all this talk. i want stuff to happen. <> they are struck by a speeding train. accelerate huh! i guess i never got around to checking the train schedule before embarking on this ridiculous excursion! 296296; wendy learns too much two lovely women, one standing facing the door with what appears to be a riding crop tucked under her arm, and drawing on a pair of gloves. we'll call her elaine. the other, wendy, is sitting at the table, looking at elaine. elaine's back is to wendy, and she is glancing over her shoulder. elaine did you know that when you smell some particular smell, you're actually breathing in particulates of that object? elaine so, when you smell cookies, what's really happening is that you're inhaling tiny bits of cookie. and when you smell coffee, you're breathing in very fine coffee dust. wendy <> wendy . . . you just farted, didn't you. elaine "just"? no. "all morning pretty much constantly?" . . . perhaps. take a whiff ever step onto the subway on a hot day and get just smacked in the face with a wave of b.o.? ewwwww. 297297; an argument is formulated man and woman are driving about the town in one of those newfangled "horseless carriages". wo did you know that when you smell something, you're actually inhaling particulates of that object? what? no you're not. recognizable smells are specific combinations of airborne molecules called odorants. odorants are chemical vapors which must permeate a mucous membrane to bond with olfactory receptors. "particulates" would neither permeate the membrane nor bond chemically with the receptors. man sniffs you just farted, didn't you? wo it's pretty much my go-to rhetorical technique. refute really, spoilsport, it's much funnier if you think you are breathing poop. and normally 'particulates' seals the deal. 298298; no one cares about that exterior; a large building. caption shrek the third outdoor advertising creative meeting. jack and on one billboard we'll show all the princesses with the tagline 'girls gone medieval'! mr. throckmorton ha ha ha vince i don't know, it seems to me that any pun or permutation of the 'girls gone wild' concept would just be inherently in poor taste, especially at marketing directed at children. also, it sends the tacit message that 'girls gone wild' is a normal and acceptable part of our culture - when in fact it's seedy trash that thrives on the most crass and debased elements of human nature. vince besides, c'mon guys - we can come up with something funnier. mr. throckmorton interesting perspective. jack? jack it's 'edgy'. mr. throckmorton sold carefully consider guessing it pretty much went like this in real life, except with the wordy objection replaced by celebratory back-slapping 299299 gerald faces reality gerald and anastasia talk on her porch. gerald not gonna buy anything then, huh? that's all right, i'm used to it - can't do anything right these days. gerald i'm not that good at this - not cut out for the life. sorry to bother ya. anastasia oh, grow up. gerald huh? anastasia seriously, stop whining. you're doing fine. don't you think everyone has the same insecurities? anastasia nobody's ever satisfied with their own work. nobody mature, anyway. you're not some freakish aberration, you're just normal. <> gerald is that supposed to be comforting? deal with it tell me, how exactly am i supposed to answer that without making you cry? 300300 a crucial message judge finkins reads from a scroll. judge finkins <> an open letter to the women of the world. judge finkins you are lovely. however, i do not wish to see your butt crack. please wear pants that fit. judge finkins otherwise, everything is fine. judge finkins thank you for your prompt attention in this matter. say it don't spray it i don't dress this way for men, you patriarch 301301; hair growth is noted hank holds his head in despair as giorgi offers advice. hank huh. i'm starting to get hair om the outside of my ears. i thought that was something that only happened to old people. giorgi well i hate to break it to you but - hank don't say it don't you dare say it hank if you say 'you are old' i swear i will get up and strangle the life out of you. i am not even kidding. i am in a mood. giorgi how best to put it? you. are. old. hank rrrrgghhh hank rrrgh. rrghhh giorgi do you want me to get your walker? hank maybe deal with it i guess this would explain my increased tendency to shout at the television 302302; the moon is annoying a lovely moonlight night of skating on the pond! moon moooon moon moooon moon moooooon jessie will you shut up! moon you shut up! mooon yeah, that's what i thought 303303; certain problems remain exterior; a hut in the woods. fiona i can't bear to live like this one second longer! forget my father. forget the laws of my kingdom. interior we see that fiona is a mermaid in a bathtub, talking to greg fiona it's just so terrible, not being able to be with you! greg yeah, whatta shame. fiona i want to do it. i want to leave the water and become one with the mankind of the land. we now see that fiona's human parts consist of only her head and arm. fiona maybe we should rethink this plan. greg maybe you should grow some frikkin legs yearn and, you know... people parts 304304; an unwanted dog factors edwin well, here's the thing. i told my wife we could get a dog. edwin but i hate dogs! they're so yappy and petulant. if i wanted that, we'd just have kids. yves so why'd you say yes? yves you figure she's gonna do it anyhow, might as well give it the ol' blessing? edwin no, i thought she would reciprocate by getting me a darth vader mediation egg for the living room. yves and...? edwin she is so bad at reading my subtle hints. seethe i would think it would be obvious from the way i always leave the dvd paused on that scene while we do it 305305; jed is asked an impertinent question adolphus dude, there he is. ask him. walt i'm not gonna ask him! you ask him! adolphus no way! you gotta do it! adolphus you're the one who wants to know so badly. you ask him. walt forget it, man. i guess we'll never know. adolphus fine, i'll ask him. pansy. we see that adolphus and walt, along with jed, are standing on tall stilts. jed is leaning back on a stick. adolphus hey, jed? how do you, you know...poop? jed whaddya think this pole is made of? figure it out actually, birchwood, but that sure shut 'em up 306306; the sausage mystery mr. grambly leaves hobart and stu's shop with a heavily-laden cart. mr. grambly thanks, fellas, see you on wednesday! hobart take it easy, mr. grambly. stu why does that guy always buy so much sausage? he must have a hundred pounds of franks on that cart! and last week he got twice as much! hobart mr. grambly's sort of a force of nature around here. nobody knows what he does with the meat. but he's been carting it off for years. some folks say he humps it. other folks say he's feeding it to a monster that he then humps. personally, i think he buys it to remind himself of his own crippling mortality. we all need our reminders. stu if i wanted to throw in with a theory i think i'd head to humpville all the way. mr. grambly guys i'm still here mr. grambly cart's kinda heavy weigh in in actuality, dude just likes sausage. what is so wrong with that? 307307; this is awesome guillermo aw, yeah. check this action out. he leans back in his wheelchair. <> he leans forward again. <> back again. <> up. <> down. <> up. <> pretty boy biff i'm not wearing any underwear. guillermo reclined again yo i knew this would get you excited i said check it i can tell by the tenting 308308; fruit goes un-sold abelard and johnson talk in the doorway of a fruit shoppe. abelard afternoon, johnson. oversleep again? johnson what a waking-centric thing to say! johnson who says it's preferable to be awake? pardon me if i relish my nightly visits to a lyrical realm of magic beauty. why is that something i have to apologize for? so i don't like leaving that all behind. who would? johnson and since the alternative is this mundane world you seem to cherish so much - well, frankly, it's a wonder i ever get out of bed at all. abelard great, but you're still fired. johnson oh, man, dèj‡ v˚, weird. next you're gonna drag me out in the parking lot and slap me. set your alarm for let me tell you all about this crazy dream i had - hey why is everyone leaving the room 309309 a colonel is alluded to drew so, what do you think of my proposal? stumpy huh. well...i hate to say it, but i'm not too keen on it. exterior of a large house. stumpy the main problem is that you just get bogged down in so many details. i say, forget the specifics. you're just giving people more to disagree with. just find that compelling core idea - that little kernel buried deep inside. selling his tiny fried chicken. drew why am i itching? oh, that's right - i'm horribly allergic to puns. stumpy i was gonna overlook the proposal's shortcomings and marry you anyway. stumpy but now you're doggin' on my jokes! cut to the heart little kernel buried in there shaking his tiny fist just yelling 'hogaaaaan' 310310; paul asks a question of an eel paul stands up to his waist in water, holding an eel. paul i don't believe it! finally, after years of searching! paul the belmont answer-eel, writhing in these very hands! eel arrghh! my fondness for biting at glittery things has horribly backfired! but i am nothing if not a fish of honor. what's your question? paul every so often the news comes out - oh, now this food is good for you, that food is bad for you... paul i'm tired of network news scare tactics. i don't want spin or rumors or corporate b. s. can you just tell me in plain terms? what. should. i. eat. eel fresh fruits and vegetables. paul that's it? that's the secret? eel that's the secret. paul huh. now tell me what i can stuff my face with that probably won't kill me. reel 'em in basically i am looking for someone who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to eat an entire 5 lb bag of marshmallows in 13 minutes 311311; the scourge of northern europe a host of vikings, led by lefty, rows across the sea. lefty all right, men, listen good. after six weeks at the oar, we're nearing the norman coast. the next few days will be brutal and bloody for all of us. lefty i need everyone to be at high alert. watch for archers. watch for scouts. any questions? perkins are we gonna get to pee before we start the invasion? lefty for cripes sakes, perkins. perkins i mean, should i just hang it out over the side or what vikings aawww perkins what go before we go it's not like you haven't thought of it 312312; an officer exercises vigilance a constable stops a bundled-up woman in a rainy alley. police all right, hold it right there. what's under the coat? contraband? stolen goods? illegal ferrets? drugs? placebos? placentas? platonic friends? pluralistic ignorance? planar geometrics? planck's constant? plastic bags that could suffocate children? all highly illegal woman actually, i'm just trying to cover a huge rip in my bodice - i can show you if you don't believe me police ma'am, are you trying to seduce me? woman no, i would never - police be-cause it's wo-o-orking! hurry home but seriously let's have a look then 313313; dan had high hopes dan hey, bart. did you have a good weekend? get a lot done, like you wanted to? bart yeah, it was great! you? dan well, let's see. i outlined my next couple projects, set up a filing system for my notes, and downloaded a productivity program...then i read an article about time management and filed it away in the new system...then brainstormed over instant-messenger for a while, while watching youtube clips for "inspiration." dan i spent so much time being creative i forgot to be productive. bart dancing i took some meth and cleaned my kitchen for three days! get to work then i drank thirty mountain dews and ran in circles around my couch for six hours 314314; the ladies debate chance meetings exterior house daughter so i keep seeing this boy around town. daughter like, so he was behind me in line for coffee, and, like, i saw him at the gas station an hour later. daughter anyway, i didn't think much of it, but it turns out he goes to my gym too! parlor mother and daughter scene daughter and then i ran into him at the hair salon of all places! daughter and he does all of his laundry at my apartment complex! i guess we have some special brand of dryers? daughter we seem to run into each other randomly all the time! parlor mother and daughter scene daughter . . . do you think it's fate? mother honey, it's about time you learned. mother if it looks like fate, it's probably stalking. hey look it's unless he's cute! case you can just close your eyes and hope for 'fate' 315315; a rhino is louder than necessary vinnie a rhino hey anteater! why the long face? dean an anteater actually, my proboscis allows me to reach into narrow openings to retrieve vari vinnie shut up, anteater! <> dean thinking you'll be his boss someday. you'll be his boss someday. explain yourself whatever you gotta tell yourself man 316316; cushions are discussed britney oh, dorothy, i just love your cushions! they're so comfortable, after a long, hard day of idle richness. dorothy thanks! they're molehair - we actually stuff them here at home! britney how positively crafty of you! i never knew you had a hidden blue-collar side. you don't actually keep animals here, do you? filthy creatures, i'm positively intolerant. dorothy oh, no, nothing like that. harry just saves his pluckings every week, and over the years they add up. britney his pluckings? dorothy sure, you know - from his moles. he's got one on his chin, and a big one on his back...we may be wealthy, but we're not wasteful. britney ...dare i ask about the mattress in the guest bedroom? dorothy depends, are you gonna freak out on me? rest easy you know the old argument. 'i pay for the food my body uses to make this hair, and what, you expect me to just throw it away?!' 317317; kevin shops for hats kevin is shopping for hats, all of which are far too small. kevin no. kevin awful. kevin absolutely not. kevin don't you have anything bigger? kevin this makes me look like a freak! we see that, in fact, he is a freak. hilda did i mention i work on commission? try it on hey what about that one with the fake fruit, that one has potential 318318 a scheme is hatched two gentlemen, biff and alejandro, are seated in a drawing room. biff ...and i've also converted all of my zeppelins to run on earwax. biff our company is now totally petroleum independent. alejandro oh? you've also cut out plastics? every year in this country, plastic manufacturing uses three times as much petroleum as vehicle-fuel refining. biff oh my word. really? alejandro i dunno, i just made it up. alejandro but i bet i could make a mint selling "plastic offset credits" over at whole foods. burn baby burn excuse me, ma'am? after watching your behavior in the parking lot, i thought you might be interested in one of these 'crazy psycho offset cards' 319319; he is watching salty bill finds a ticket marked "violation" on his automobile. we see that the ticket is, in fact, a picture of himself asleep in bed, taken through a window. upon the picture is written "i am watching." salty bill looks up in astonishment. officer wheatgrass peers around the front of his patrol car. watch out again?! 320320; howard makes a poor conversation partner a man is hunched over, reading a book with much concentration another man is sitting, a bored expression on his face sitting so... sitting bought a lottery ticket today. sitting won the big jackpot. thirty million after taxes. the other man is still absorbed in his book, unaffected back to the bored, sitting man sitting harry potter's gay. reading you shut your mouth. read all night yeah. the discourse has been reduced to this. 321321; the failure of an entrepreneur mikey stands before a crowd, holding a book. mikey attention, everyone. unless each of you gives me one dollar, i will reveal the ending to the new harry potter book. mikey please form an orderly line to my left. cash only. mikey i'm serious, folks. i know who lives, who dies, who's something called a horshack. boris so what. i already read it. toshi me too. i read it over the weekend. francisco i think we all did. mikey but - but i thought this was a big deal! leaks on the internet, people going to jail... lord fanbelt so last week. boris we've moved on, man. ed hp-7 is old news to us. mikey then what are you all in line for? francisco rumor has it that j. k. r. once touched a rock up there. geraldo it's all we have left move on the rock may shed light on questions raised by previous rocks j.k.r. may or may not have touched, and may also raise new questions to be addressed by future rocks 322322; paul oils his brakes father and son see a man (paul) beside his carriage wheel doing something. father look at that man, trenton. he's laboring. father you may address him -- but keep your whistle ready just in case. son you there! what manner of toil be this? i happen to be oilin' my brakes. father oiling... your brakes. they've been squeakin' and squealin', so i'm fixin' to oil 'em but good. father my word! trenton, we have stumbled upon a true-life idiot! ha ha ha! father putting oil on his brakes! father think about what you're doing! son ha ha ha! retard! son oil is a fossil fuel! 322 paul oils his brakes trenton! don't forget to make an entry in your idiot log! we'll be going over the week's records once we get to nana's and it doesn't take much disappointment to topple the poor woman's carefully-balanced decades of regret 323323; it almost works evan i've got it! i'm gonna sue everyone! evan and it won't matter if i have no case! they'll pay me to settle, just to avoid the even greater expense of going to trial! evan the perfect moneymaking scheme! se—or eugene hey! scumbag! get a real job instead of preying on people! se—or eugene people like you are making everyone afraid of lawsuits, making everything everywhere more expensive! evan my friend, you've just volunteered to be my first victim! se—or eugene his hand raised to his ear huh? oh, i wasn't talking to you. i'm on my bluetooth phone. se—or eugene can you hear me now? how 'bout now? se—or eugene that probably would've gone better if i'd actually been wearing an earpiece. deepankar well, you didn't know he'd have the papers with him. call it out if you get one of those cheap phones with the candy inside, you can have the freedom to speak your mind plus delicious candy 324324 alvin chooses wisely miss trundle aaah! that walt-whitman-headed bat is back! alvin i told you to be more uptight with your gardening! you're inviting in all sorts of crazies. what with your assorted wildflowers. walt-whitman-headed bat o listen, unimpressed mortals - walt-whitman-headed bat shall i grant you each some wish? walt-whitman-headed bat some small boon, some favor, some easy accessory against each day's uneasy burden? so that your young, handsome faces may shine with newfound delight? miss trundle a wish, eh? well, let's see here... miss trundle with only one shot, i better make it good...wishing for more wishes is always out...how about wishing for the best possible wish? would that even work? walt-whitman-headed bat okay, i get it. you wish you were more decisive. how about you? alvin i want to be able to jump into my pants with both legs at once. walt-whitman-headed bat oh man yes! awesome! in fact, bam! now everyone can do that! make it good if only comics were real ( i guess i will have to settle for broken ankles 325325; poor baby had a rough day exterior of a manor house. valerie honey, where have you been? i've been waiting for hours! frans (a.k.a. poor baby) oh, it was terrible! i was walking home from work, and a car honked, so i turned to look... frans ...and right as i looked over my shoulder a jogger ran by! it startled me so bad! interior frans baby my heart was beating and i couldn't catch my breath and it was - it was so scary frans i need hugs my hug meter is so low looooove meeeeee frans kissing her hand this is good. this helps me. frans i feel better. valerie okay, so, uh... valerie why were you walking home from work? frans mark from i.t. dared me to eat my car keys. valerie <> valerie i'll get the prune juice. frans also the vicodin please recharge i.t. stands for intestinal torsion 326326; the day is seized interior of a house. edwina forget this boring lifestyle! let's do something crazy! let's walk across the country! randy you're insane. it's the middle of summer. we would die. alone, in the desert. edwina you are always such a poop. randy excuse me for wanting to stay alive. edwina you sit here every day, with your xbox and your internet and your never-ending netflix queue. apparently that's enough for you. edwina but guess what? i want something more. so put the book down, randy. we're gonna go have an adventure. they die. alone, in the desert. go for it wheeeee 327327; mom gets to the bottom of things ma akcer there's the little scamps! what have you kids been up to today? britney nothing! nothing at all! everything's totally fine! we haven't even been in the garage! we've just been, uh, upstairs! sanjay i uh don't think i've ever been in the garage ma akcer oh, dear. do i need to look in the garage? britney no! not at all! i mean, not unless you want to see cars! the cars are still in there! we didn't move them! why would we have moved them? we wouldn't've! sanjay yeah i mean we're just kids ma akcer i know what you're doing. ma akcer you're pretending to have done something wrong, so i'll go look and nothing will be the matter... ma akcer that way, i'll eventually grow tired of looking every time you kids act nervous, thus freeing you to cause all sorts of mischief! britney wow. we did it. she's nuts. sanjay as long as she doesn't look in the garage one step ahead once you grow up, you have to just sit around all day figuring out how your children are trying to decieve you. if you let your guard down even for a moment, all of a sudden they are seventeen years old breaking the lock on your toolshed and selling your power tools for meth money. 328328 walt makes a suggestion newscaster walt hoppendorf is reading from a paper. walt we're still reporting on the tragic case of forty miners trapped in a cave-in. with us live is mine foreman eustace prowlybucket. walt eustace, what's the situation? any progress since we talked to you last? eustace from inside the mine in the last four minutes? no, walt, i can't really say so. walt so what's your next move? eustace well, right now i'm trying to find someone to take over these interviews, so i can get back to work on the actual mine. eustace now, i'm no mining expert, of course, but here in the studio we had a thought... eustace is it possible the miners are just lost? have you tried shouting? eustace punches walt as a reply dig deeper thwack 329329; sanders files a claim exterior of jorge sanders' house, which has suffered considerable damage. mr. hinkey tell me again what happened? sanders it's just like i said in my claim. the house was attacked by a giant dog. nothing i could do. mr. hinkey mr. sanders, insurance fraud is a serious offense. sanders i'm fully covered. it's right there in the policy. my premiums are all paid up. the leg of bosco, a giant dog, is visible behind mr. hinkey mr. hinkey first you'll have to prove that the damage was caused by a giant dog. sanders would you turn around for a second, please? bosco singing as he humps the house oh baby i never meant to hurt you mr. hinkey i'm pretty sure that's a tornado come back to insert obligatory 'act of dog' joke 330330; the poison convention lloyd wow, what a great turnout! i didn't think this many people were interested in poison. dr. helfsquiggle are you kidding? "every rose" basically defined a marginalized generation. it was like my anthem senior year. lloyd wait, are you talking about "poison" the band? dr. helfsquiggle totally! bret michaels basically raised me. through the tape player in my camaro. oh! and i'm pretty sure the lyrics for "ride the wind" were at least partially inspired by one of my fan letters. lloyd is everyone here for poison the band? dr. helfsquiggle uh, yeah, hombre! i've already met up with "ratttrap" from the old listserv. lloyd well, i feel like an idiot now. dr. helfsquiggle why, what are you here for? lloyd nothing. listen, i'd skip the punch. i want action n - no reason, it's just - uh, it's just grape, and you do not look like a guy that appreciates that fakey grape flavor. i mean it would probably put you off your whole night. and this is your night. 331331; nobody gets goiters mcmurhpy makin' some hot pockets, you gonna want any? cap'n jasper no way, man, that stuff's all full of sodium. cap'n jasper should call 'em "heart pockets." like, uh, your heart's gonna be in...uh...in a pocket. of sodium. didn't really think that one through. mcmurphy so what. everything's got sodium in it. same way they add fluoride to water. cap'n jasper yeah, it's a real problem. our legislature is at the mercy of big salt. the capitol senator kickback you have some gall, mr. morton! there's no way i'm adding this rider to the education act! ms. morton unless i'm mistaken, senator, you served quite a few margaritas at your fund-raisers. went over well, did they? now you need to do something for us. keep it fresh no! not the umbrella! not in the face! 332332; all needs are met john happypants i brought you here because we share a common problem. it's hard to find steak rare enough for our tastes! lucky marge i don't want my beef cooked so much as run through a warm room. chef horace standing next to a cow, knife in hand sir? i can take your order whenever you're ready. john happypants i have a good feeling about this place. effie it is kind of expensive, though... maurice ready with half a cow sticking out of a wagon we also have a day-old menu. choice cuts really? rump roast didn't go on the first day? 333333; everyone had better shape up crusty bill everyone who's smarter than me is a nerd! everyone dumber 'n me is an idiot! crusty bill everyone older than me is a geezer! everyone younger 'n me is a kid! crusty bill everyone less promiscuous than me is a prude! everyone more promiscuous is a slut! drop-dead ed hey, what do you think about people louder and more annoying than you? crusty bill i think they're - drop-dead ed trick question no such thing tell everyone conversely, everyone quieter than you may actually be tolerable to be around 334334; sonya cannot be idle sonja aaahh!! i'm missing my show! gwench ow! my arm! hold on a sec! sonja come on come on we gotta get going gwench hanging out with you is always so exhausting! geez. gwench you know what your problem is? you're afraid of missing out. gwench everything barks for your attention, and you indulge it. you don't have to do it all. it's not worth it. like when we went on our trip - remember that tour guide? "this is a rare chance, we almost never get to see the inside of the factor," that whole spiel? sonja yeah! and we didn't go! we totally missed out! gwench did we, though? gwench do you really regret not seeing the inside of the rope factory? wasn't it better to just relax in that park and watch the sun go down? sonja it wasn't a rope factory. it was a nunchuk factory. gwench what are you serious don't waste a second kids, whenever someone starts a statement with 'you know what your problem is?', it is usually rhetorical. just a tip! 335335; a meeting goes poorly exterior of a popular coffeshop - okay it's starbucks hortense excuse me! are you jill? jill i am! it's good to meet you! how are you? interior of said coffeshop meredith great! thanks for meeting us on such short notice. hortense did you get a chance to look at the prospectus we emailed you? jill i did, and let me be honest i think it's a mess. you're gonna have the s.e.c. all over you like yellow on big bird. meredith really? you think so? jill oh yeah. and i hope you've got a budget for litigation defense - your ad materials are full of terms that some would consider highly offensive racial slurs. jill also, maybe you missed the press release, but all new businesses now have to send the mayor a live musk-ox, and i didn't see that mentioned in the document. meredith you're not jill, are you. not actually jill no. let's meet up i have come so close to doing this so many times 336336 she's just making sure newscaster walt hoppendorf's melodious voice comes over the telegrameutophium. walt breaking news. tragedy strikes eastern europe as a trainload of irradiated hamsters derails in the former soviet republic of georgia. walt now that we've got your attention, here are a bunch of commercials. brrringgg mame hello? sarah oh, honey, i just heard the news! are you all right? you don't live near the train tracks, do you? mame considers her response mame mom, i live in atlanta. sarah can't a mother be worried just in case cell phone lines were jammed. everyone was so busy fielding concerned calls from out-of-state relatives that they didn't notice the giant meteor oh noooooooo 337337; the record is clear lulu i...i just don't know, harold. i don't think i like it. harold hmm? what? you don't like what? lulu you know what. harold plankton? halliburton? columbus day? you gotta give me a little more to go on. lulu her. i don't like her, harold. i don't like her in our house. harold aw, not this conversation again. lulu you said it would only be for a week! harold i did not say that. lulu you did say that! that is exactly what you said! harold marsha, read back the transcript. marsha "c'mon, honey, let's just try her out for a couple days, maybe a week tops." lulu and you're the one who wanted the stenographer. it's all there you are not helping your case here marsha 338338; marcus gets the inside scoop tara marcus, c'mon. it's time to go to school. go find your pants. marcus no! i've got more important plans today! someone said something mean about me on the internet! tara nobody cares, baby. now come on, let's look for your pants together. marcus mo-om! he called me names on a messageboard! he compared me to hitler! i've spent all morning composing my scathing reply tara sweetie, i know you're still young, but i'll let you in on a secret. this is a tidbit they whisper in your ear when you finally become a grown-up. the only reason anybody says anything on the internet is to draw attention to themselves. tara there are no other reasons, and there are no exceptions. marcus what! i can think of plenty of exceptions to that! tara of course you can, honey. you're nine. give it up marcus will use any excuse to get out of wearing pants. 339339; jasper takes one bite too many helene stops jasper during his trip to the market. helene can i interest you in our new organic probiotic gluten-free raw energy bar? jasper depends. does it taste like cardboard? helene ha ha! oh no, sir. it's lightly sweetened with distilled agave nectar, so its great for your diet and your sweet tooth! jasper hmmm jasper tries it. helene we've come a long way towards making healthy, all-natural foods taste just as good as their over-processed counterparts. jasper it tastes like drywall. helene see? progress! bite right in i'm looking forward to 2159 when they finally get the fake chocolate flavor into the realm of acceptable 340340; harold's unfortunate reflex exterior a quaint rural abode. jen harold? i have a...well, i guess you would call it a confession. jen i'm not really a 9/11 hero. i wasn't a survivor of the attack. interior jen my fiancè, or in some accounts my husband, didn't die. there was a guy who died, but he wasn't my husband. we weren't wed in a secret hawaiian ceremony. he was just a dude i was stalking. it was this whole big thing. but anyway. jen i didn't return a dying man's wedding ring to his widow. i didn't start a charity for the orphaned children of firefighters. i wanted to, but it was hard. jen hard to let go of the spotlight. everyone asking me if i was all right. everyone caring about me for the first time. and...i'd like to think that maybe...you can still care about me, even after all this. am i wrong? jen harold, get your hand out of your pants i am trying to be serious here harold sorry, i hear "i have a confession", it's like a pavlovian thing. come clean therapy's going great, why do you ask? 341341; the banquet gets awkward such a lovely dinner party lady agnes felicity brunhilde d'summerbottom rather rude of cameron to just not show up. dave and after we specifically told him we would leave room at the table for his wheelchair! cameron helloooo cameron little help? whose bright idea was the gravel driveway sit 'n' spin the man on the far left is is declining a refill from a jeweled vial of tears collected from the woman second from the right 342342; rick has his suspicions rick do you guys talk about me when i'm not in the room? because that's very rude. sidney rick, as surprising as it may seem, you are not the focus of our every waking thought. rick all right. i'm going to leave now. don't talk about me. if you have something to say, say it to my face. sidney fine. whatever. sidney man, rick is really insecure. rick [emerging from a potted plant] aha 'fess up dude in the middle is just gonna stay out of this one 343343; the holiday heralds dissent dr. fipple happy columbus day! josh you mean colonialism day josh oooh burrnnn dr. fipple aw, let up. dude was just trying to find a trade route to india. josh look, whatever he was trying to do, he ended up subjugating the native peoples and opening the door for european exploitation of the americas! dr. fipple well, to be honest, he probably didn't get that idea until he landed. josh oh, we're being honest! then guess what i hate your face explore not my face! the one thing i can never change! (besides my lucky underpants) 344344; bill suffers a sudden attack bill ah! urgh! i feel sick! weak! depressed! bill ennui! bill i hate my life. i'm wasting my talents. if i had a better job - then i'd be happy. chester what are you talking about? you've got the best gig going! chester i sweep up poop all day long! you measure supermodels for underwear! bill yeah, but i wish i was doing it in space. dare to dream floating around, tape measure cing in zero-g like a wispy line of yellow smoke -- that's the stuff 345345 behold, the future. old man mohan (a cheery banjo player) tired of ninja monkey robots fighting zombie pirate jesus? so's everybody! that's why we've compiled, for handy reference, next year's memes! get a head start! the list, lovingly illustrated deep-sea divers befuddled wizards treasures of antiquity naughty jesters gendarmes sultans/caliphs bears in ill-fitting hats this guy beat the crowd not pictured wwi-era german officers in pointy helmets, fakirs, stripes-wearing prisoners complete with shackles and iron balls, larry flynt 346346 this is life, now a young lad, taylor, watches yuri paint. yuri ...then i mix in a little burnt sienna, to match the color of the bricks. yuri the flat brush will give me good covera-- lateisha (interrupting) taylor! get back here right now! lateisha get away from that man! you don't know if he's a murderer or pedophile or what! yuri now alone <> j'accuse i suppose it would just be depressing to keep a tally of how often this happens to me 347347; reginald allays various concerns jazzmin didn't you wear that shirt yesterday? reginald yeah, but only for half the day. it's still got a few hours before it hits the "dirty" threshold. reginald see, i have an elaborate calculus that determines whether clothes are still clean enough to wear. don't worry, it takes a lot of variables into account. this shirt is totally fine. jazzmin but yesterday, didn't you fall into a puddle of rusty antifreeze? reginald yeah, but then i fell into a puddle of bleach! reginald like i said, it's a pretty elaborate calculus. fluff and fold apparently the word 'calculus' is also the term for dental tartar. double-meaning comic today folks 348348; concoctions are peddled darrell (a peddler of concoctions) half-caf double tall 2-pump vanilla nonfat light foam latte! mr. wilson thanks. darrell iced decaf grande raspberry soy no-whip light-ice mocha! boss ferree thanks darrell lukewarm cup of tap water that i sneezed into! darrell lukewarm cup of tap water that i sneezed into? happy hanson sorry, i didn't hear you the first time. order up it cost $3.85 349349; it's what month already? exterior of a house a nurse and a perambulator. pat aggh! it's, like, november already! i haven't accomplished anything this year! pat missed the whole "spring cleaning meets ebay" concept by a freaking mile. and now i gotta start thinking about christmas presents? i've got dvds from last christmas still in the shrink-wrap! ulrike honey, you're eight months old. you weren't even alive last christmas. pat i had so many plans for this year! now look at me! still poopin' where i freakin' sleep! time flies seems like i did learn to talk pretty well in that time, though, which in itself is sort of a coup 350350; a tale is made lame julio that was a great story, jeff! julio reminds me of the time i fought off a grizzly! babs oh, come off it. you did no such thing. julio sure i did! last march? we went to yellowstone? babs it was april, and it was yosemite. julio whatever. this massive grizzly came into our camp! babs we could barely see it across the river. julio well, okay, but it was lunging right for us! babs he looked tired. he was yawning. julio i still scared him away. babs he fell asleep. julio okay fine we saw a bear that fell asleep are you happy babs what was the point of that story? julio that i clearly need to start leaving you at home. make it good jeff's story had not been about bears at all 351351j innovation is sudden julio on the drive over, i was holding my travel-mug in my, uh, in my crotch - you know how bad the cupholder is in that car. nora sure, might as well be a slinky made out of butter. julio right. well, i - oh, nora, it's awful, almost too awful even to recount. nora what? did you spill it? did you burn your central intelligence agency? should we be expecting some sort of cash payout from yum! brands, inc.? julio worse. much worse. there's no nice way to say it. julio nora, i farted into my coffee. noral so...did...did you try it? julio yes! that's the worst part of all! julio it was delicious! and there is absolutely no way to market that! let it out i guess with enough blinking banner ads nothing is impossible to market 352352; factor automatons mecho-botatron 1971a24 excuse us hu-man mecho-botatron 1971a24 do you happen to speak binary godfrey i do not. ed 01110101 01100111 01101100 01111001 auto-mecho-botatron 1971a24 01110011 01101101 01100101 01101100 01101100 01111001 01110100 01101111 01101111 ed 01010000 01010101 mecho-botatron 1971a24 ha ha ha ha ha ha ha godfrey you guys are jerks. 01111001 01101111 screw you guys 353353 much is learned a woman sits on a couch, fanning herself as she talks to a young girl, lisa. wo lisa. listen up. you are not my daughter. i know this may be a shock. wo it was a cold night back in '96. olympics were in atlanta. you were born. not to me. story gets sadder. wo charlie was a fruit salesman. smelled like papayas. i didn't know him. thought i did. mistaken. tiny tiny baby. like a newborn newt. all eyes and wet scales. charlie fit to bury it. shovel said he's serious. somebody stopped him. coulda been me. now here we are. get to bed. lisa is now talking to a boy in a sailor suit. lisa this is the weirdest babysitter. boy she was on the news! dig it up so are we! 354354; this dude may not be strictly licensed interior of a house. sten great house, right? do you already have financing? down payment? check out these french doors, this patio... count davis-grabble how long ago did the previous owner move out? seems like there's still a lot of personal effects. sten previous owner, ah, died at sea. very sudden. you can have all his stuff. take some of it now, if you want. count davis-grabble i do like this dining room set. sten everything you see is included with the property. sten did you bring the down payment with you? you can, ah, just write the check out to "cash"... count davis-grabble who's that folding laundry? sten that...is...i'm going to go with that is a leprechaun. sowah what are you people doing in my house move in he is not even irish 355355; excuses are formulated hugo i reject the entire concept of law. genuine morality can only come from choice, right? being free to choose anything, yet choosing to do right. hugo but whenever some external force, such as the state, commands us under penalty to to do or not do certain things - isn't that negating our personal choice to do or not do that thing? in other words, removing our free will. and isn't free will and moral agency the defining characteristic of humanity? thus, i must reject any "law" that prescribes my actions as incompatible with my very nature as a reasoning being! kenneth you're trying to start up that pyramid scam again, aren't you? hugo kenneth, please. the preferred term is "multi-level marketing scam." sign up kenneth this is the opportunity of a lifetime 356356; dinner proves elusive a dingy alley. ed are you sure it's a good idea to let ted host thanksgiving dinner? ed what with his crippling addiction to hallucinogens? maurice we're his sponsors. it's the least we can do. it's all part of rehab. ted thanks for coming, guys! we can eat pretty soon if you'll help me catch the turkey. maurice catch? ted, it's two p.m., and you don't have a turkey yet? ted oh, no, i have one! it's just...at some point this morning, he turned into a dinosaur, and then he started taunting me. i can't catch him. he seems to be able to teleport. maurice oh, ted. and detox was going so well! ted look out quigley (a dino-turkey) your skills at car repair are woefully inadequate give it up i have taken the liberty of dismantling your 1978 datsun 280z 357357; mall parking sucks rain. doug parking is gonna be awful at the mall today. chester then let's take my car! i've got a disabled placard. chester and, oh, man...it changes your life. you never want to go back to the before-times. it's like getting tivo. doug you're not disabled! how'd you get the placard? chester some guys claim a mental condition. others are hard-core and break their own kneecaps. chester me, i couldn't find a doctor to sign me off...so i did the next best thing. i became a doctor. doug there is no way you have been to medical school. chester i did look into it, but i couldn't find a school that offered the one-week accelerated course i wanted. chester so, long story short my living room is now an accredited medical school. doug how in the world did you ever get accredited? chester i just brought the certificate over from my garage. oh, which is now an agency of accreditation. doug b-but how did your garage -- chester let me just save you some time. it's turtles all the way down. keep going parking is an important issue to some. 358358; we're all first at something simon hey, have any reporters shown up lately? tv trucks? camera vans? photojournalists who may also be arachnid-based superheroes? anything like that? allan can't really say so, no. simon hmmm. i was expecting a better turnout. allan what's going on? simon oh, nothing much...just setting some world records. i figured the media would be all over it. allan what kind of records? simon well, let's see... simon this morning i became the first person in history to chew a single mouthful of oatmeal 3,290 times in my kitchen. first in history. allan have you sent out a press release? simon naw, man. that's been done. be first simon would rather the guinness book be utterly exhaustive. he would gladly read a 58,000-page edition. 359359; rich reads statistics rich average life expectancy in 1900 was only 47. by 2000, up to 77. rich we're still gaining, on average, another year of life every five years. thanks to medicine, technology, the iphone, etc. delia so we've been going about our immortality project wrong, then. aiming way too high. trying to stop aging entirely. delia when all we really need to do is retard it by eighty percent - so we'd age at the same rate that lifesaving medicine advances. rich that almost seems too easy. delia yeah, for an eighty percent slowdown all we'd need is what, 50 gallons of gerbil blood? rich and an egg whisk, yeah. stay for the long haul race you to the pet store 360360; trade secrets are revealed gene next on our tour of the lucky charms factory - this is the press where we get our marshmallow mixture. <> jean what's being pressed in there? gene leprechauns, mainly. also clovers, guinness, green stuff, and james joyce novels. did i say clovers already? jean wait a minute. so the leprechaun in the commercials is a cannibal? gene in his job, once you get to a certain level you start getting paid way too much to ask what's in the cereal. <> red balloons they are not simply 'magically delicious.' as head flavor manager i work 70+ hour workweeks and i do not appreciate kids thinking it just happens by itself 361361; a dog makes a promise rocky did you hear mom and dad? i'm going to the park later! to run, and jump, and play... duke you're going to the vet. they're cutting your balls off. rocky th-that's odd. i was sure they said "park"... duke they're tired of you humping everything. fickle group, humans. rocky that's an outrage! i say, let them try - for i swear by odie's fuzzy muzzle that anyone bringing nut-snippers near my joy-bag will meet a dire, bloody end! rocky there shall be carnage! this i vow! the next day duke so...how ya feelin'? rocky eh, pretty mellow. measure twice cut once you know how i used to be all gaga over that poodle down the block? well, funny thing--now when i look at her all i can think is high maintenance 362362; it's time to get up elizabeth (thinking) oh, jeez. look what time it is. i really gotta get up right now. get up get up get up get up get up... elizabeth ...zzzzzzz chris good morning! singing telegram! time for you to wake on up / fry some eggs and bacon up chris greetings from the future! you need to get out of bed! so says future you. elizabeth ...hmmm? what? huh? future me? chris years from now you'll pinpoint this morning that you overslept as the exact moment your fortunes take a turn for the worse. so you'll send a message back in time, hiring me to make sure you get up! elizabeth really? today is the fulcrum of my life story? elizabeth ...what happens in the future if i don't get up? chris your house is robbed by a telegram guy. five more minutes every day is the fulcrum of your life story 363363; joy is mandated the capitol speaker hogblotter very well, let it be law. any place with two or more persons gathered must blare christmas music incessantly for the entire month of december. lucy the mannheim steamroller lobby thanks the people of america. democracy works! a battle <> larry's house hilda he knows when you are sleeping he knows when you're awake larry aaahhhh marketplace <> vivian what? can't hear you over all the holiday cheer esteban i said it's time to seriously contemplate suicide drown out your thoughts 'tis the season! 364364; cards are licked sima got those christmas cards done yet? yousef not quite. i got tired of licking envelopes. so instead i've been developing meat-flavored envelope glue...figure i'll put this freeloader to work a bit. lucille (a dog) hrrrr hrrr sima is this one of those schemes that takes more trouble to implement than the thing you're trying to avoid doing? yousef no, this is one of those schemes that makes us rich. dog owners are a huge, gullible market. sima that's exactly what you said about "dog pogs." yousef i still have no idea why that didn't take off. dog pogs should've been the hot item of 2005. man's best friend is there must be a gentleman's agreement between envelope manufacturers to make their glues taste uniformly like ass 365365; the true meaning of christmas clarence christmas these days is only sacred to accountants tabulating retail sales figures. can't we set aside our selfish urges just for one day, and concentrate on the true, spiritually meaningful roots of the holiday season? jesus thank you. seriously. it is just really nice to hear you say that. clarence so, let us all give praise to saturn for another joyous winter solstice. jesus no no no! it's my birthday and you have to do what i want gledelig jul technically the roman saturnalia and the pagan solstice festival were separate and both co-opted by christianity centuries apart but whatever, historical accuracy 366366; mark faces denial ray ready to go? let's hit the road! andy just one sec, let me google for directions. ray can't we look 'em up in the car? you got an iphone for christmas, right? andy no, i took it off my list. i got to thinking, you know - i'm already too internet-addicted as it is. i don't really need to check my email at traffic lights. it'd just be another first-world trinket lashing me to the gotta-stay-informed noise-grid. i realized, man...i gotta start moving in the opposite direction if i ever want to feel contentment again. ray got one and lost it already, didn't he? helena left it on the train yesterday. andy until we've looked through all the train cars in new york it is not technically lost disconnect only 6,399 left to search! 367367; babies should just shut up already patent office skip have you ever been stuck on a plane with a crying baby? skip nothing worse, right? cramped space, uncomfortable seats, and some little rugrat just screaming bloody murder like it's a washcloth being wrung out. well, my invention is a special hood that fits securely around the baby's upper region to effectively muffle any disruptive noises that might disturb fellow passengers. erwin this appears to be a schematic for a plastic grocery bag. skip i will admit that it requires a couple of minutes to take effect. necessity is the mother of a sorely needed addition to those little travel kits with the eye-masks and the mini-socks 368368; facebook, distilled. a facebook page applications noise, meat, smug declarations, places i'll never go, hats, bears main panel you've been marketed to! some douche sent an intrusion using marketing we don't believe you've seen enough commercial messages today! we firmly believe that web content should serve no greater purpose than to attract eyeballs that we can cram full of ads. and since you've already proven you're dumb enough to spend a dollar on an imaginary "gift," why shouldn't we press our luck? we know that garish, omni-present ads eventually drove you away from myspace, but we figure we can get a good six months' worth of impressions out of you before you get fed up with us, too! button sure, whatever, it's free requests 81 requests to go away 34 empty treehouses 103 carbon whatevers 830 already aw man 411 some kinda cannon 3 french hens 26¢ per 1k impressions go read a book sell your attention to now everyone join the wondermark facebook group 369369 life's sole energy-source is renewed stevie did you check? is it true? are we saved? hortense oh please dear lord in heaven jack yes. it's a miracle. everything is going to be all right. jack the daily show is back. hortense thank god! i almost had an original thought about politics tune in, zone out i like the daily show a lot, but nobody seems to listen to jon when he insists (truthfully) that it's a comedy show, not a factual news show. 370370; a bear is doing fine joe (a bear) guess what! i feel great! back's not hurting, sinuses are clear. paulo um, okay. congratulations. that's...that's good, right? joe see, i know that i complain incessantly when i feel bad. but when i feel fine, i take it for granted. so i've decided to be more cognizant of the times when i feel healthy! like today! paulo joe, the only reason i ever nurse you back to health is to stop your "blah blah blah me me me" whining all day long. so should i stop caring for you when you're sick? is it not going to shut you up anymore? joe update i was doing fine, but now i'm actually feeling a bit put-out. paulo i don't need a play-by-play joe then don't subscribe to my twitter feed tell me about that hat doesn't look like it fits joe very well! 371371; the whole point is missed greg all right, cell phone manufacturers. you've been doing fair to passable so far. i can talk on your things. i can check my email. i can listen to music pretty okay. greg but i still got my pockets too full of stuff. you gotta get on this problem. i'm talking about expansion slots. greg let's say there's an expansion bay on my phone. i can buy third-party modules specific to my needs. maybe i want a digital tape measure and a level. maybe i want a micrometer or a magnifier. sometimes these are things i have to carry with me. why can't they be on my phone, linked to the processor and the camera and the bluetooth chip? i could turn my phone into a scanner or a nutritional scale or camera binoculars or fishing radar. my examples aren't that broad-reaching, but if it's open-source then any tool a sufficiently nerdy subculture can't live without, they'll develop for themselves. whaddya think? good idea, huh? the cell phone manufacturers respond chip frottley why your head so tiny plug and play i never have a tire pressure gauge when i need one. but if it was built into my phone? road safety get on it 372372; events end poorly interior of a house mittens (a cat) (thinking) i don't believe it. the stove. i'm never allowed on the stove. but today someone left a chair next to it. a chair. mittens climbs onto the chair and looks at the stove mittens (still thinking) am i supposed to climb up there? is this some passive-aggressive way of asking me to? i never saw what the deal was, anyway...it's just pots and stuff, right? well, screw it. i'm doin' it. here on out, i'm a stove cat. exterior inferno. explore you failed the test mittens 372b372; events end poorly a cat stairs at a stove with a chair next to it. he thinks. cat i don't believe it. cat the stove. i'm never allowed on the stove. cat but today someone left a chair next to it. cat a chair. the cat approaches the chair. cat am i supposed to climb up there? is this some passive-aggressive way of asking me to? cat i never saw what the big deal was, anyway... it's just pots and stuff, right? cat well, screw it. i'm doin' it. cat here on out, i'm a stove cat. a family is shown fleeing from their house, which is on fire. explore you failed the test mittens 373373; destiny is heralded exterior a minister you think people generally live up to their given names? do they become some certain type of person because of the word that everybody refers to them by? minister i mean, you call someone stupid every day of his life, that's gonna factor in somehow. brilliant, same way. plus it affects how people treat you. how they perceive you. just that little bit. i didn't take chances, myself. changed my own name to somethin' good. made sure my boy got a good name, too. martin luther king, sr. speaks out rev. king his mama wanted to call him quay'shawn. i said, woman! let's call it sir that is very interesting but i actually just called to try and trick you into giving out your credit card number over the phone 374374; jousting's future looks grim two girls by a tree; one, in armor, carries a lance, while the other looks bored. janice where were you? i waited at the jousting green all morning! thea i don't want to joust anymore, janice. janice what are you, crazy? we've got to get ready for the tournament! i can't go it alone! thea there's not gonna be a tournament. nobody's gonna show up. i know we've worked hard, with the flyers, the radio spots, and lord knows the skywriting wasn't cheap... thea but let's just face facts. there are just not enough jousters in anchorage. why did we stress ourselves out about this stupid tournament? why do we constantly make life difficult on purpose? janice because an unchallenging life would be boring. thea no! it was because of the prospect of hot boys in jousting pants! and i am so disappointed! lance it are boys ever hotter than when clad in fine, form-fitting jousting pants? 375375; dan weighs his options inside an office boss hoover dan, i need you to work late tonight. we've got to get this project sent out first thing tomorrow. dan sorry, man. no can do. dan look, i've put in a lot of late nights for you. i don't complain 'cause you pay me pretty well. and every hour i'm here, i'm just watching an invisible odometer roll over in my head. i've got no problem taking your money. but i don't like working on your projects. they're pointless to me, so i procrastinate; then i end up rushed and frustrated. it's all stress i don't need. dan so here's the bottom line. i only have so many little squares on my calendar each month. i'm tired of just handing them all to you. as of now, my time is worth more to me than your money. so piss off. outside the office, walking away otis you really said that to him? dan no, not really. it'd be nice to be the kind of guy who could say that, but it's also nice to be the kind of guy that can afford a house. tip the scales the project was to taste-test delicious new flavors of ice cream! imaginary dan missed out 376376; mindy rebuffs an entreaty abe 'scuze me, ma'am...i've fallen on hard times, and i'm wondering if you might be able to spare a couple bucks? mindy a couple of bucks won't solve anything. you'll just spend it on booze, right? so you can blot out the reality of your sorry existence? the only real solution to the problem of homelessness involves counseling coupled with mental health therapy and free, comprehensive addiction treatment when needed. abe you're right! that would turn my life right around! abe can you help me find counseling, or mental health therapy, or free addiction treatment? mindy no, i mainly just have smug ideas about stuff. doesn't hurt to ask now get out of here before i call the cops 377377; progress looks likely katie the big rallying cry for every election is 'change.' end corruption! free democracy from the crushing grip of special interests! katie what happened to the last crew we elected to bring about change? we're no closer now to the utopia they promised us last election. why do we think this bunch will do any better? father i think the realities of the political process probably mainstream the radicalism out of anybody, just in the name of being able to get anything accomplished at all. katie so if we feed the system visionaries, and it spits them out as mediocrities...then what we need is some sort of extreme double mega-visionary who'll get worn down to the level of 'visionary.' father in other words, we should elect the most crazy nutball wackjob out there. walt hoppendorf mr. gax, can you offer details about your plan to solve social security while also developing a new biofuel? mr. gax is a dinosaur wearing a suit mr. gax if elected, i pledge to feed all humans over sixty into the insatiable furnace of my galactic death-cruiser pull the lever also i will outlaw tree sap 378378; children suffer herve (a deep-sea diver) which way to the pool- guido (a bear in an ill-fitting hat) -waytothepool jinx! herve what? i'm looking for the ymca. guido you can't talk! i jinxed you! pinch poke you owe me a coke! herve whatever. look, i'm supposed to be giving a safety lecture to the kids, and i'm already late- guido you do not talk. i have jinxed you. if you continue to talk before you are un-jinxed then i will eat you. i swear on my mother's grave that i will eat you. herve fine. eat me. but just know that right now, sitting in that ymca, there's a kid who's going to cure cancer someday. except he's not, because he's going to drown tomorrow. because i wasn't there to give the safety lecture. guido i have already eaten all the children at the ymca. herve you are a horrible creature. guido you do not seem to be grasping the point of jinx do your job like so many of us, convincing himself that his job is critically important to the world is the only thing that gets herve out of bed and into that stanky diving gear every morning. 379379; the evening does not end with a kiss marc you know how they're always recalling products because they suddenly find out how toxic they are? and they never seem to figure it out until chumps like us have been using the product for years? marc which seemingly harmless substance that we use every day is actually slowly poisoning us? lead. asbestos. teflon. thalomide. vioxx. makes you wonder what's next. what they haven't figured out is deadly yet. so i'm just playing it safe. sadie you seriously haven't brushed your teeth since 1993? marc i'm distrustful of fluoride and fluoride derivatives! sadie you could have saved us both some time if you'd mentioned that in your match.com profile. marc oh, i thought it was obvious when i said "i don't let society's frivolous protocols take precedence over my personal values." let it grow you have to respect my personal values especially ones i got from a website 380380; jake does his best andrea another valentine's day. leslie another depression day. god, i hate getting it rubbed in my face that people are so gullible. leslie corporations tell girls to tell guys to spend money. and girls giggle and do it. they make guys feel like they have to jump through these stupid hallmark hoops, or else. it's just sad. andrea still, sometimes it's nice to run 'em around a little. jake runs in with a wad of money in his hand jake they were all out of roses at the grocery store i am so sorry jake can i just give you the cash instead does it even work that way sweet 'n' sour since you insist on flaunting your boyfriend everywhere i have no choice but to create my own holiday just for lonely people. it shall fall on the third monday in february. it shall be called presidents' day 381381; pirates must part a sailor and a young boy are talking on the deck of a ship. cap'n pegwood well, bobby, looks like land ho over yonder. cap'n pegwood you'll be snug back at home in no time. bobby i had the best summer ever, cap'n pegwood! bobby i can't wait to tell everyone back home how much fun we had together at pirate camp! bobby how we tied knots, and brewed grog, and divvied up the spoils of war... bobby i'm... i'm really gonna miss you, cap'n pegwood. bobby i bet my dumb parents never slaughtered a defenseless fishing village and took their women for scullery maids! cap'n pegwood don't be so harsh on the ol' folks, bobby! they still got wallets you kin steal from, ain't they? sail away to remember to call your mom a wench like i taught ya 382382; hair vexes ron do you think everyone has the same number of hair follicles? on the face of it, you'd think of course not. some people are way hairier than others. but are they? or is their hair just thicker and coarser? even bald people have hair follicles, it's just that fewer of them are active. i mean, why wouldn't we all have the same number of follicles? we have the same number of fingers. i know, i know - some people don't have the same number of fingers. but that's abnormal. but - jeez, maybe there's a high rate of abnormality with hair, too. with so many follicles, the chances of minor mutation during development are very high. meaning, even if there were some theoretical "ideal" number of follicles, chances are slim that anybody would match that number. so if there were an ideal number, would we even know? j‹rgen (anesthetizing a patient) can we please talk about this another time good question no 383383; a fortune is sought glen i want a book on how to get rich. clara i don't sell books like that. but would you like me to tell you how to get rich, instead? glen ...sure, go for it. clara it's very simple. first, create a product that makes absurd promises. topical cream that makes you lose weight; work-from-home "businesses" that generate their own income......books that deliver "secrets" to wealth. clara then, abandon all dignity by hawking your product shamelessly to gullible people. presto! profit. glen i don't know if i should take business advice from a bookseller who doesn't carry any of the best-sellers on wealth-building. clara i have limited space, so i choose only to stock beautiful things. those books are not among them. glen criminy, aren't you just principled. clara it is why i am not rich. cash out life could be so easy, you know 384384; are tried unconventional methods radislov i hear you've been ragging on people who have the audacity to sell self-improvement products! clara my beef is with books and "systems" that claim to teach you how to become rich like the author, when the author's wealth is actually derived from the sales of the books themselves. clara and the dvds, and workshops, and seminars...as you know, it's much easier to manipulate the public than the stock market. radislov what if i told you i'd written an investment book not geared towards gullible suckers? one specifically for cynical, pragmatic types? clara what's the hook? radislov i promise straight talk about how hard it is to work the market and make money. clara ...i can't imagine that's selling well. radislov with a cover price of $850,000, i only need to sell one. diversify i had them printed at kinko's, so, you know, not actually that much of a markup 385385; a hard road lies ahead two men stand on a street. the one on the left is wearing a top hat. glen i need a way to become rich that doesn't involve hustling suckers and idiots. barnes what are your hobbies? what do you enjoy doing? glen flying kites through outdoor malls. sitting on rooftops watching traffic ebb and flow. collecting loose nuts and bolts from junkyards, then spending lonely evenings trying to match them all up. barnes okay, well, here's the thing. the best way to get rich is through real estate investing. but it's got to be a passion. barnes you can't have a hobby and try to learn about real estate too; that's not the way to build a successful career. you've got to love real estate. barnes so i've got to say, odds don't look too good for you right now. glen i was hoping to perhaps parlay my expertise in ennui into some sort of lucrative public speaking profession. barnes a noble goal, but who would you address? glen i don't know. kids? get to work everyone just trudging out of the assembly staring at their feet 386386; all comes to naught glen i'm back! and i've become fabulously wealthy! clara congratulations! glen as a way of thanking me for helping me out, i'd like to buy out your book stand and allow you to retire. clara that's sweet of you, but i think i'd rather just keep doing my own thing. glen then i shall erect a rival book stand just across the way, and drive you out of business! clara actually, that'd be great! you spend all the advertising money, bringing people to this corner to buy books...and then when my kind of people get disgusted by your soulless shell of a store, they'll come and patronize me! glen it was a test. everything was a test. to see if you'd really stick to your principles. congrats! you passed. clara oh! is there a cash reward? glen aha! clara kidding. glen marry me. clara no. make an offer how 'bout now? how 'bout now? how 'bout...now? 387387; baggage is emblazoned man in beret ...again, i'm terribly sorry for the mix-up. your suitcase really does look just like mine. man in homburg i'm tired of this happening every time i check my freakin' luggage! man in homburg i guess i just have to make my bags more distinctive somehow. close-up of suitcase. it now bears an enormous sticker with a biohazard symbol and the words testicles for transplant. stick it on this should prevent any more mishaps 388388; soap fails effie (taking a bath) riddle me this how is it that a hotel with gourmet coffee and 400-thread-count sheets can't provide a bar of soap that doesn't make you feel like you've rolled around in a basket of fleas for an hour? isn't humanity past that point in soap technology? hal (watching her do so) well, you never use up a full bar of soap during your stay, do you? effie of course not. i don't think that's even possible. hal no one does. but they're not going to just throw those partial bars away. they melt 'em down to make new bars. sometimes hundreds of times. it's inevitable that contaminants will occasionally enter the process. in the soap processing plant, the contaminants become clear molten soap is being poured through a gleeful man's crack on its way to becoming new bars lather it up now we can claim it has 'organic ingredients' 389389; things get worse marooned day 2 on a desert island, louie grabs his face in agony louie aaahhhhhh caffeine withdrawal headache crave day 3 somehow sleep 'til three p.m. 390390; a reasonable solution jim is on the phone jim ...all right, thanks for the call. what time do you want to meet on tuesday? ted? hello? ah, crap. i lost him. vitus (showing off his new telehat) so call him back. jim what if he's calling me back? we'll get each other's voicemail. why isn't there a rule for this situation yet? such as "in the event of a dropped call, regardless of the cause, it is the responsibility of the person who initiated the call to call the other party back." there. how hard was that? not very vitus but ted doesn't know about that rule. you just made it up. what if he's just formulated the same rule, but opposite? and he's waiting for you to call? actually that is not the case ted hey, jim, sorry 'bout that, don't know what happened. where were we? all is solved this is a real rule now okay 391391; a long haul lies ahead a leprechaun sings and dances a jig as a couple watch. leprechaun hi de higgledy, ho de piggledy, hi-dilly ho-dilly hi-dilly ho leprechaun continues singing under their dialogue. wo the instructions say it can live, in some cases, over six hundred years. sigh. you do not give live pets as gifts uncle brian take it back to sure the baby minotaur was cute but for how long 392392; things grow dark molly is working. tim is off-panel tim i need a shirt. molly you have shirts. tim need some more molly i just did laundry! you should have a whole closet full of clean shirts! tim tried em got em dirty stained and such tim (missing the front of his chest and ribcage, his viscera are exposed) getting cold molly well, put on a sweater. suck it in not one of the good ones though 393393; a menace is disposed of darrow (standing atop a massive fish, rifle in hand) well, i think that pretty much takes care of that. this fella won't be botherin' no one no more. scotty you shoulda seen it. i never saw a fish charge like that before. and loud, too - all "grouueeahhh!" and "ffrooorrhaa!" and "rrahhhnn!" darrow no, it was more of a "frrbggnngglbb!" or like a "snnrblnkk!" scotty "gnxbinrff! hnjyvrnglz! krvngblarwx! pkiznvvq!" danny there are always a lot of moving vans on our street. frwhbrrnxg probably for unrelated reasons 394394; that's what happens piotr opens a can of flour, which contains a packet marked dessicant silica gel do not eat. he ponders this a moment, then chooses to <> a bit of it, whereupon a grand piano falls on him. try it it really is pretty straightforward 394b394; that's what happens in color! piotr opens a can of flour, which contains a packet marked dessicant silica gel do not eat. he ponders this a moment, then chooses to <> a bit of it, whereupon a grand piano falls on him. try it it really is pretty straightforward 395395; thaddeus sees things doc quinlan i'll show you some images, and you tell me what you see in them. thaddeus two dogs doin' it. two dogs doin' it. thaddeus two dogs doin' it. ...two dogs doin' it. thaddeus when do we get to the inkblots? doc quinlan soon as we get through the rest of my vacation pictures. draw at this rate, sometime around thursday 396396; trade secrets are revealed hap i need to use a computer. just real quick. i have to look up an email for a meeting. curtis computers are pay-per-minute. hap that's fine. i literally only need it for thirty seconds. despite ridiculous prices and consistently horrible customer service, kinko's somehow stays in business. hap it's taken ten minutes just to log on! curtis ten minutes at a dollar a minute! complicate your life the man is checking his email for the steps to a dance that will forcibly repel ants from his trousers. he has a chronic condition. 397397; america is super-sized ole here's what i don't get. everyone says we went into iraq for the oil. ole so where's all the oil? why are gas prices at record highs? shouldn't poined iraqi oil be flooding the u.s. market? elle no, you misunderstand. elle we didn't go into iraq for crude oil. we went for lipids in general. nathan is immensely obese. nathan man, five years ago i was a hundred pounds lighter. i don't know what happened! pump yourself full of granted the foreign situation can't easily explain the waistline of everyone in the country, but it could be a pretty handy scapegoat 398398; the moment is fleeting ryan is dreaming that he is kissing sophia sophia oh, ryan! ryan hrrr num num num <> ryan (awake) hmm? <> ryan (out of frame to answer the phone) hello? no, you didn't wake me. what's that? yeah, sounds good. okay. fine. all right. thanks for calling. talk to you later. ryan (returns; thinking) now, where were we...? sophia now has an elephant's head and antlers, but is evidently still amorous. ryan (dreaming) oh, come on five more minutes isn't that always the way 399399; customers are served only grudgingly emil are you still driving a cab? harold yeah, but not for much longer. i can't take dealing with the public. i swear, dude, pretty soon i'm just gonna snap. people are just so stupid it's unbelievable. harold for example, yesterday a guy asked why there's a surcharge for pickups from the airport. hel-looo! municipal regulations have stipulated that surcharge ever since it passed the city assembly! it's completely detailed in the cab company's contract with the airport authority! later, at harold's cab angus just out of curiosity, is there a reason why fares are calculated based on elevenths of a mile? harold (thinking) god, how can people be so ignorant? obviously because charging by twelfths of a mile would be ridiculous 400400; it's frikkin bright liz (in the background) and that's when i told him never to touch me there. gianni (a monocled gentleman) i'm going outside for some fresh air. outside gianni aaahhh! frikkin bright!! he replaces his monocle with a shaded lens. gianni there we go. much better don't you wish you had a sunglass monocle? 401401; john has some questions john and marilu are listening to a base-ball game over the radiogrammephonimat. john you're always asking if i want to listen to the game with you, right? so, here i am! "dirty legs" mackay the game's broad-caster ...a high fly ball, and that will retire the side. "dirty legs" mackay after two innings, the score is four-one, metroville. john who decided they should announce the score by saying which team's winning? that seems one-sided. people love underdogs, right? framing the score in terms of which team has an obstacle to overcome would be more engaging! john and doesn't having fielders convey a lack of confidence in the pitcher? "we really don't think you can throw a no-hitter, so we put eight other guys out there to clean up your messes." "don't try hard or anything." oh and hey, what if the pitcher started using a tennis ball? just like whipped it out? you think anyone'd notice? marilu's response john is crammed into the waste-basket. "dirty legs" mackay ...aaand we're back. hope you fans at home are enjoying this great day of baseball! commentate i think someone would probably notice 402402; martin could rethink his pastimes martin i wish i had useful hobbies. martin you know? i wish i wanted to do all the stuff you have to do anyway. iago you mean like how some people love doing home repair? or cooking? martin yeah! people who love cooking can work on their hobby all afternoon, then eat it. it's dinner. me, i gotta make dinner on top of doing other stuff. martin i feel like my life's being penalized 'cause i'm not really interested in, like, stock trading. or car repair. or sex. even the wife's been bugging me to learn plumbing. dede frazzled martin that was a metaphor. snake your pipes martin's hobbies mostly involve spending long hours imagining, in painstaking detail, what life might be like on a planet where cheetos are legal tender 403403; a fine spring day animal comedy theatre presents langston, the tortoise with severe time-management issues, in "a fine spring day langston huff puff huff puff langston i am so sorry that i'm late to the christmas party. nicolo langston. it's april. langston look i know i have a problem take a moment don't we all 404404 africa is noticed two gentlemen, armand and joe, are visiting a destitute zimbabwean village. joe look at these zimbabweans. living without electricity. hunting mice for food. dying at thirty-seven. armand unbelievable! absolutely unbelievable! joe the country's industries have shut down. the daily death rate exceeds darfur's. just goes to show it takes total commitment. armand think of it! the lowest per-capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth! amazing! they depart, leaving a lovely trophy. think of it hooray 405405; elmer is always irate elmer y'ever notice how cashiers nowadays count your change forwards? don do tell. elmer used to be, cashiers had to count change backwards. start with the price of the item, then add coins and bills as necessary to add up to the amount you'd given them. it's a more accurate method! now, their registers tell them how much change to give out. you have to hope your cashier can correctly assemble unusual amounts at a moment's notice. because there's no deduction involved, the process becomes rote and prone to error! don so what's your point? elmer everything's better the way it used to be march on to kids these days! so selfish! they're supposed to care about me! 406406; there's a problem in the orchestra alf yes. i think i have identified the problem. it seems that you are awful. rodney man, i hate these unreal expectations in music! everyone's always harping on you to hit every single note. nobody's perfect, yo! batting .400 in baseball gets you into the hall of fame. but for some reason i just get yelled at! alf a facile comparison! baseball is a competition, and we expect the pitcher to also be partially successful. you have no such excuse. your horn is a thing of brass. it is not fighting you. despite what you insist, it is not some animate demon spirit hell-bent on sabotaging your every effort. rodney dude you gotta start backing me up here. demon of the horn rodney my time has not yet come get in the spirit rodney kill the violinssssss 407407; pete is set off gladys ...i like pete just fine, but he takes himself way too seriously. madge i know what you mean. he really needs to lighten up. pete (coincidentally passing by on his velocipede) what?! pete i don't take myself too seriously! why would they say that?? what in the world would give them that impression? i'm a fun-loving guy! i mean, i take my work seriously, sure. but that's good, right? you want someone competent! but i think they were referring to my personality! pete they must have gotten the wrong impression somehow. i wonder what it was i did! i'll have to pay closer attention to my behavior from now on. maybe i should laugh more. no, it can't seem forced! but why would it be? i'm as happy-go-lucky as they come! pete why would they say i take myself too seriously? oh the gravity of i will send them both a furious, rambling email explaining in detail how carefree i actually am 408408; it works charlotte - no, richard, i'm tired of it! i'm tired of playing second fiddle to that stupid robot! richard charlotte, you don't understand! this is the next telephone or model t - the next game-changer for humanity! imagine, a device that can not only detect human suffering - but knows how best to alleviate it! it could make us - charlotte richard. this is the end of us. <> richard hangs his head in despair. altruismaton mark iv <> <> altruismaton mark iv pretty soon things will be all right make it work pretty soon 409409; a leon films a commercial leon gently caressing the horse buttercup you can't be a veterinarian if you love animals. always seeing them in pain...and so often knowing there's nothing you can do... ...it would deaden your sensitivity to the preciousness of all the earth's living things. leon a better vet would be someone sociopathically indifferent to the suffering of god's creatures. only then would he or she be able to maintain professionalism in the face of each day's crippling tragedy. leon that's why i should be your first choice for pet surgery! i'll display an inhuman detachment during your snookie's suffering, or you get half off your first cremation! leon's budget veterinary - on sixth, upstairs from payday-loans-n-go! marc running the camera i think we need to have a talk about marketing. killer deals leon is pretty sure this is how he wants to position his business. 410410 , perhaps, plums are eaten a new mother leans over a crib, where her child sleeps. mother i have named our child that i just gave birth to mother and which you were probably hoping to give a better name to than "william williams" a man, presumably the father, stands behind her, arms folded. mother forgive me it was impulsive so clever yet so dumb this is just to say apologies to william carlos williams, but seriously man c'mon 411411; dinner eludes two two men sit at a small table with drinks. a waiter approaches. waiter allo sir. pardoning me. i am sorry to say that we are also out of the salmons. man #1 for the love of--how about just a salad? can you manage a salad? waiter i shall see. man #1 can you believe it? seems like they're out of everything! man #2 i'm starting to think this isn't a restaurant so much as a performance-art installation intended to give you the ordering experience. some kind of commentary on consumer culture. man #1 i guess that would explain the giant, pulsating strawberry slowly drinking from a steaming mug of gasoline. man #2 also the kraftwerk. there is indeed a woman with a giant strawberry for a head, sitting at the next table with a steaming cup before her. wait for it the waiter pronounced it 'sall-mons' 412412; everyone else just sits quietly a man stands on a stone wall, his left hand raised. a crowd of people stare silently at him. same as the first panel. offpanel voice uh...yes, uncle marty? uncle marty i think it's fine! offpanel voice you're actually only supposed to speak up if you object to the marriage? not if you approve of it. uncle marty i was gonna say, man, buncha sour people y'all invited to your wedding forever hold your uncle marty always has to be the center of attention. 413413; subtlety is lost mass media is allergic to nuance! the only ideas really able to take root in our culture are short, punchy approximations. people hear the slogan and think they know the issue. however, concepts have to trade away complexity to gain widespread appeal! wo but everything we know is simplified to some degree. even if we're experts down to the atomic level--there's alway the subatomic. the problems arise when oversimplified concepts evolve into common knowledge. then the complicated version--the more accurate version--starts sounding to the public like heresy! for example, everyone "knows" that smoking is bad. so when you try to explain that yes, smoking is largely bad--but it's also highly effective, in infants, at warding off murderous trans-dimensional bellybutton gnomes... nobody even wants to try it! wo clearly, the media is controlled by a sinister cabal of baby-murdering gnomes from another dimension. that's the title of my book! probe deeper into you're one of themmmm 414414; there may be shortcuts to success ellie no matter what i do, i can't seem to stop my students from cheating on tests! dora oh, i know. it's institutional at this point. it's not a matter of if, but how. dora last semester i had a student devise an elaborate scheme where he reduced vast swaths of the textbook into a shorthand notation that he printed onto his hands with ultraviolet ink... ...then he put a tiny l.e.d. blacklight in the bridge of his glasses. much harder than simply studying, of course. dora so he sits there squinting at his hands the whole time, trying to decode the textbook... really a totally unworkable solution. he barely managed a c-plus. ellie oh my gosh! you didn't just flunk him for cheating? dora well, it was a cryptography class. perfect score class motto is 'try it, let's see what you got' 415415; christy takes one for the team woody ...baby, it's just one night with one lonely millionaire. christy i can't do it! woody we talked about this. do it for us. just so we can get out of debt. you don't have to enjoy it. just...fake it. woody i'll...i'll see you in the morning. i love you. robert ah, hello. thank you for coming. we have a long night ahead of us, so it is essential that we start promptly. please, come with me. my butler will show your husband out. robert shall we begin with "clerks" or "mallrats?" christy i can't do it! marathon session baby we will be up all night long 416416; john gets by susan hey there! don't believe we've met. i'm susan. john john smith. yes, it's my real name. yes, i'm aware it's common. susan so, ah, what do you do, john? john i look up other john smiths in the phone book, then steal checks from their mailboxes. then deposit them. john oh, did you mean for a living? cash in because i'm actually pulling down pretty decent scratch just doing this 417417; it's been a long day two men walk past a security guard, who looks quite dapper in his top hat and uniform. pre-1920 cars are in the background. guard whassup fellas. parking lot security guard. a couple walk past the guard. guard parking lot security guard. just standing around all day. hundred degrees outside. how's it going? a man walks past the guard. guard don't worry. your car's just fine. nobody stole your stereo while you were in the bank. you're welcome. guard no rule against tips, you know! the man from the previous panel jumps, startled. the guard's hat lifts off his head. sit there staring hey let's roleplay! i'll go into the air-conditioned bank, and you come outside and spend all day weeping over the ashes of your life 418418; things were going so well susan well, look who's up bright and early. wally good morning, susan. i've prepared your breakfast. susan ugh, i think this milk has gone bad. wally we were out of milk, so i created some by mixing heavy whipping cream with vinegar! prof. mcgnty looks like the ol' cooking robot still has a few bugs left in his programming! wally we were also out of eggs, so i harvested some of yours. susan urk make do master, did you know susan twitches in her sleep? 419419; an enterprise fails spectacularly two gaxians, sapient reptiles (human bodies with long necks and lizard heads), are outside a boarded-up building. to the left is a sign with a banner attached. the male gaxian sits dejectedly in a chair. sign house special / customer's entrails are torn from their body and fed to them in a broth of vomit. banner authentic gaxian cuisine! male gaxian open a restaurant, she said. people love regional food, she said! clean your plate in retrospect it was also probably a bad idea to serve, instead of ice water, flesh-dissolving acid that looked and tasted exactly like ice water 420420; one thing sparks another, and so on brian & amy invited us over for dinner tomorrow. you want to go? wo sure! is brian making pasta? i think so. wo awesome. "you've got the right stuff, baby love the way you turn me on you've got the right stuff baby the reason why i sing this song" what train of thought led from brian's pasta all the way to new kids on the block? wo oh, geez...i could spell it out, and you'd probably follow it fine up through kim jong-il breakdancing, but then there's a cognitive leap to "jellyfish sandwiches" that would take all freakin' night to explain. long way around to brian is proud of usually doing reasonably well at a not-too-difficult dish. 421421; george gets a pimple on our right, a fat man in a top hat. on our left, a man with the face of a fish. fat what an absolutely wretched morning i've had! woke up with a dreadful pimple. right up top on the forehead. plain view. no hiding that'un. fat i felt like a monster! like some kind of deformed creature. what a beastly feeling. a real spirit-sinker. fat such a horrid way to start the day, knowing everyone'll be staring at you, thinking you hideous beyond imagining... fish face guh bluh blrrbbuh fat still plagued, in this day and age! bloody menace, pimples. examine yourself this day couldn't possibly get any worse! (cue tornado) 422422; a queue is about to get quieter a young woman is happily chatting away on her 1910s-style bakelite cell phone while three other people are lined up behind her, including a bearded soldier. young woman ...oh, i know! he's always that way. and that dog looks just like him! it's so funny! huh? oh, no, i've got plenty of time to talk. i'm in line at the post office and it's taking freaking forever. you're like the tenth person i've called. ugh, it's so hot. is it hot where you are? i think i feel it more 'cuz of the vicodin. did i tell you about my surgery? oh, it was horrible. my scar wouldn't stop oozing for like three weeks. dialogue bridges into the second panel. young woman it's still sore and it's been over a month. i mean, hello, modern medicine! is this why i pay for health insurance? so after an entire month, i still can't put weight on my right knee? soldier (raising an axe) you should not have revealed your weakness. pay attention i brought this with me today just in case. 423423; a warning is delivered this one's in color! a man is startled by a tiny man in a bright yellow suit and top hat riding a falcon. tiny hark! i bring you dire news of betrayal! what the--holy crap in a sno-cone! i have got to fix that screen door. tiny we hit the glass several times before figuring out the whole "window" paradigm. our warning may be too late! even now, your trusted wife is plotting to destroy that which you hold most dear! it can't be! they're all safely hidden away! cut to wife removing something from a wall safe. wife i swear to god, if i never have to watch another of these "buffy" dvds it'll be too soon. come on in now turn off the light! so we can find our way back outside. 424424; welcome to college gibson girl ...next on our campus tour, we'll visit the mavis p. johnson learning center. father "learning center?" gibson girl it's like a--what other schools might call a building, except instead of classrooms, it's got modules. for example, the janice s. byerton arts & letters module, the lawrence n. sanders module for music, the chester & doris codberg module for the study of modular education. very popular module. gibson girl do you know your major herman b. belknapp major yet? father we're still undecided. gibson girl great--so let me show you the wilfred q. & barbara k. waddlesworth-stoates retreat for academic contemplation & personal self-actualization! the "retreat" is a chair perched on top of a stool, with a plaque leaning against it. student i want to major in making inscribed plaques. gibson girl very big industry right now. brought to you by so...private school, huh? 425425; tusky is late father o'malley blast it all! tusky mcmammoth was supposed to be here for a ten-fifteen appointment! it's nearly eleven! father o'malley this is unacceptable. that boy has got to learn respect for other! when he gets here, he's going to get the lecture of his young life! a small mammoth father o'malley! is it a sin to look with lust upon a hippopotamus even if she's not totally what you might call a compatible-- father o'malley james this is no time for your foolishness where is tusky mcmammoth? cut to a scene of a man being executed by a firing squad. oh man father o'malley is gonna be super pissed soldier shut your traitorous face mcmammoth wait around apparently, tusky mcmammoth is a traitor. 426426; a tree gets the talk big tree so, ah. son. you're really starting to flower. big tree how--how're things going? with, uh, you know...pollination? little tree aaahh! dad! we are not going to have this conversation right now! big tree do you know about, uh, about entomophily? guess you kids probably call it bee-pokin' little tree no. dad. stop. that is not okay. you are never allowed to say that again. especially not in front of my friends. big tree your friends. right. listen, kyle, just so you know. it's okay to experiment with cross-pollinization. little tree loggers. please. cut me down. now. it's that time mom found your pine cones while going through the laundry. 426b426; a tree gets the talk a pastoral field, dotted with trees. the weather is clear and springy. parent tree so, ah. son. you're really starting to flower. parent tree how ? how're things going? with, uh, you know... pollination? son of tree aaahh, dad. <> we are not going to have this conversation right now!! parent tree do you know about, uh, about entomophily? guess you kids probably call it bee-pokin'. son of tree no. dad. stop. that is not okay. you are never allowed to say that again. especially not in front of my friends. parent tree your friends. right. listen, kyle. just so you know. it's okay to experiment with cross-fertilization. son of tree loggers. please. cut me down. now. it's that time mom found your pine cones while going through the laundry. 427427; factor the homes of strangers street scene. a sandwich board in the street reads open house. prospect thanks so much! lovely place. agent thanks for coming in! john what'd you think? mary ehh, i didn't love it. the agent was nice enough, but the cookies were clearly store-bought. i liked that townhouse better. bottled water and free fridge calendars. john the two-bedroom up on 28th had cookies that tasted homemade. mary ooh, i could take another look at that one. john hey, remember that condo? with the pizza? mary ha ha ha! pizza! in this housing market! take a look once i saw offered at an open house a big bowl of fried chicken. true story 428428; a body is discovered a man a boat sits in the middle of a lake. boat i think i found something! fetch the corpse-hooks! back on shore, a man in riding clothes stands over the body, holding the reins of his horse in one hand. another man stands a short distance away. horse he's not breathing. his skin is cold and puckered. he smells like algae and meat-rot. horse i think you're totally fine to get with his girlfriend. other oh, awesome double check better clear my afternoon 429429; a dog is sneaky a man sits on a bench. a dog licks his hand. <> oh, you like giving daddy kisses! come on! come up on daddy's lap! <> such a kissy little girl! yes you are! what a sweetie! <> wait, were you just eating your own poop? dog (thinking) he's on to me! lick it i didn't say 'stop' 430430; jordan excels at sport (in color!) jordan creeps up on his father, who is asleep in a chair. jordan holds a thin stick. jordan ...the crowd holds their collective breath. now, after four agonizing hours, the world record is within reach! can he do it? can he top the performance of china's xiao fei shin at last year's international championships? jordan he's taking his stance for the lunge. in five seconds, jordan carruthers will either be the new world champion of driving sticks into sleeping fathers' ears, or grounded for life. outside the study, jordan's sister listens at the door. father aaahhhhhhh sister (thinks) at this rate i won't even make it to the semis! do your best those chinese kids train from birth, man, from birth 431431; a plate drives parker to anger we see a commemorative plate on a stand. it's decorated with an american flag and a bald eagle, and the legend the chosen land. parker (offpanel) look at that. you know it was designed by some callous jerk trying to cash in on honest folks' patriotism. pan out to parker and dave doing something involving a ladle and a container inside a wooden frame. parker "do you love america? buy my worthless crap to prove it!" dave you don't know that it was jerk-created! what if the artist poured out his genuine feelings onto that plate? maybe there just happens to be a market of people wanting to express how much they share his sentiment! parker i guess i just wish more people would share my sentiments. dave well, who knows? maybe they do! why not put out your own plate and see how it does? another commemorative plate, apparently parker's. it says "everyone please stop buying so much worthless crap." commemorate sales are slow 432432; song rings forth constantly bonnie honey, baby, sweetie. we have to talk about this habit of yours. john "comin' up ta me/ pickin' up my hand/ she looks real serious an' i do not unnerstan'" john "what...does...she got to say/ sittin' in the...middle of the... month of may" bonnie you make up these songs. all the time. all day long. and they are not good songs. not by any measure known to man. you are not wayne brady, my love. john "month of may" was actually a minor 1962 hit by the indiana group the calendar lads. it was a b-side on their single "labor day, and i'm a-sweatin'" which reached about #8 on the local charts. but that probably didn't get a lot of airplay around where you grew up. bonnie also, you lie. pathologically. john you're trying to paint this as some sort of character failing, but i have the lp! sing along to their other big hit 'this memorial day, i'm a veteran...of you.' 433433; lizzie gets better a woman and a man are standing together among some plants. woman so, i'm, ah... feeling a lot better. since the accident. hundred percent back to normal. back to normal? woman well, you know. ninety percent. ninety percent. woman look, it's fine. really. i don't even notice the difference anymore. you'll get used to it, too, just give it a little time! in fact, it's... i'd say it's better than before. i can do more with it. woman draws a strange-looking weapon. woman would you like to see? i still need more time cause injuries ha. hahaha. pain is funny. 433433; lizzie gets better a woman and a man are standing together among some plants. woman so, i'm, ah... feeling a lot better. since the accident. hundred percent back to normal. back to normal? woman well, you know. ninety percent. ninety percent. woman look, it's fine. really. i don't even notice the difference anymore. you'll get used to it, too, just give it a little time! in fact, it's... i'd say it's better than before. i can do more with it. woman draws a strange-looking weapon. woman would you like to see? i still need more time cause injuries ha. hahaha. pain is funny. 434434; there is taunting oliver here comes larry the language nerd. dinah let's mess with him. oliver hey--uh--so--anyways irregardless of what him and me decided, we found a different book than that. dinah between all the ones you could of got, supposably that one's the most unique. oliver yeah, but really, i could care less. larry ha, ha, you guys. good try, but i'm over that now. i know i've been a grumpy grammar gus in the past, but i recently realized that the correction is often more annoying than the transgressions. so i don't stress out about that type of thing any more! larry strolls off happily. oliver (offpanel) "ginormous." larry reacts as if shot. larry aaahhhhh care deeply look at him try to fish the sound back out of his ears! 435435; a guy is pinched in the foreground, we see a man's hand. he has his thumb and forefinger extended so that two men standing in the distance appear to fit between them. reverse angle. the man is peering through the gap between his thumb and forefinger. he smiles. fans of the kids in the hall will remember this as "crushing someone's head." heh heh heh same as panel one, only the thumb and forefinger are touching. a tiny leg sticks out from between them. men in distance aaaaahh same as panel two, only the man's face is splattered with gore and he looks shocked and horrified. an awkward superpower inflict 436436 a cat is had john sits at a desk, stroking a cat. mary stands nearby, looking away. john mary. mary, guess what. i have a cat. i have a kitty cat. guess what. guess what else. i have a little george cat. yes i do. i have a little cat named george. i totally have a little tiny baby kittycat man named georgie-cat. suddenly the cat's tail becomes a huge, articulated claw with a serrated edge. <> the claw is now embedded in john's forehead. john m-mary mary (offpanel) let me guess. you have a cat. john i'm i'm honestly not quite sure anymore you have sssayyyy yyyeessss 437437; ostriches plot three ostriches in the zoo. one of them has his head in the ground. hector ...then it's only about ten feet up through the branches. and we can be free of this place. luis if you think i'm climbing a tree you are wacked in the walnut. i'd try the tunnel before i try leaping from limb to limb like...like a primate. like something with thumbs. hector the flaws in the tunnel plan go deeper than the tunnel itself will ever reach. up is the only way. it's an easy jump from the top of the tree to the roof of the bathrooms. luis easy for a mental patient, maybe. how's that tunnel coming along, armando? hector (looking down at armando) so far it appears to be nearly deep enough for his head. you cannot hide from the truth, armando! armando i'm not in prison i'm not in prison i'm not in prison i'm not in prison escape to stir-crazy. all too common. sad, really. 438438; chad's first day dale you the new guy? i'm dale, shift leader. chad hi, i'm chad. dale you go by chadwick at all? chad uh, just chad is fine. dale how 'bout chadberg? you ever get chadberg? chad can't really say i have. dale hanging chad? dimpled chad? you prob'ly get that from the ladies. chad not in a while. dale chadenstein? chad no. dale chaddletale? chad no. dale chadw¸lf, lord of the bloodmarsh? anyone ever call you chadw‹lf, lord of the bloodmarsh? chad usually it's chad. or, if there's more than one chad, sometimes i'll go by wurtz. dale wurtz! dale wurtzenberger! wurtzenfeld! lord chaddenstock von wurtzlemania the tenth earl of chadwurtzville! mind if i call you that? chad i do sometimes go by "rad chad." dale "rad chad?" don't be an idiot. just call it you should hear how he went on when he met the new mailroom guy, abernathy mercutio hoakes-waddleswourthe iv 439439; arrival of the butt inspector a man wearing a long coat and carrying a drum appears in a woman's bathroom. the woman is bathing in a small victorian tub and has no coverage whatsoever. everyone stay calm! butt inspector! wo butt inspector? here to inspect all the butts in the vicinity. just making sure everything's up to code. wo mm-hmm. who made you butt inspector? um, only the commissioner of butts, heinies and derrieres? it's an appointed position. wo little late for a civil servant to be on the clock, isn't it? ma'am, as a duly sworn butt inspector i cannot let any slight within my purview go unrectified. get it? rect-ified? wo i am trying to take a bath get behind the 'civil servant' argument breaks down when you realize that the butt-firefighters are on the clock 24-7 440440; beauty has its price a large woman looks at herself in a full-length mirror. a much-slimmer woman sits in a wicker chair nearby, holding a parasol. large woman oh, erin...isn't it just awful being pretty? erin it is, honey, it is. people constantly treat you differently. they don't expect you to be smart. or they dismiss your talents, figuring you've gotten ahead just on your looks. and maybe you have been judged unfairly! you'll never know if you deserve your success. all your interactions colored by people either flirting with you or judging you. sometimes both simultaneously. attractiveness is such a curse! erin so, hey, must be pretty great being ugly, then, huh? make the most of the only correct answer to that question is, "why, i wouldn't know!" 441441; politics exhilarate three men sit around a folding table in the middle of a village of thatched huts. bernie this is shaping up to be a legendary national election! stig oh, man! if obama wins the presidency...talk about historic! after all these years, a president with a surname both beginning and ending in a vowel! think of it! and the first presidential surname with more vowels than consonants! for years it seemed like nobody could beat fifty percent--coolidge, pierce, eisenhower, reagan, you know all those tired old names--but obama's poised to shatter that record! bernie with only forty-three presidents, it's not terribly hard fo any one of them to be the first at something obscure. clinton was the first baby boomer president. george w. was the first to visit albania. if obama wins, it'll probably be historic for reasons other than his being the fourteenth (after carter, nixon, jefferson, cleveland, both johnsons, tyler, hayes, jackson, madison, grant, wilson and arguably taylor) to feature palindromic vowel-consonant dispersion. stig guhhhhh i have to change my pants. make headlines mccain calls himself a 'maverick,' but mckinley beat him to the patronymic particle by over 100 years. 442442; beth keeps her books franklin so many books! i thought we were trying to cut down the amount of stuff in our lives? there must be a thousand books here! eleanor i've pared the collection down to the essentials. franklin how many of them do you actually ever read? why not donate them to the library? that way they'll still be there whenever you want them-- eleanor they're not really for me. eleanor look, we love to read because we grew up in homes filled to bursting with weird and wonderful books. i'm keeping these books not because of how often i read them all, but so, on rainy days and lonely nights, our children can discover them for themselves. franklin by the time we ever have children, we will be drowning in a sea of books, gasping for breath in a little air pocket near the ceiling. eleanor then they will be bibliophibians. stay up late with they will breathe with gills that make the sound of fluttering pages. 443443; a terror is sighted hand-drawn sea captain looks ahead. captain there's the beast! he is attacked by a grotesque, tentacled sea creature. he punches the beast in its gigantic eye! he returns home, triumphant, dragging the beast with him. captain i brought dinner. wife but i made spaghetti! bring home well i brought a garnish 444444; the classroom becomes tense teacher why do tornadoes always seem to touch down in trailer parks? you never hear about high-rise condos being damaged by a twister. is the phenomenon just under-reported? are rich people suppressing the news of their own misfortune? wilbur i think it's more likely that the property values are lower in high-risk areas. you can afford a trailer in kansas if you're willing to take the risk of living in tornado country. simon i'm gonna go with god hates poor people. simon teach the controversy. blow hard competing theory wistful trailers will take any excuse to pretend to be helicopters 445445; everything is going just fine, thank you bud how's the project coming? lou fine. couple of minor setbacks, no big deal. bud i got this book on carpentry from the library, in case you want to look through it. lou no thanks. lou i get anxiety attacks when i read "how-to" books. they always make me feel inadequate. like everything i've been doing is wrong, and their super-hard way is right. i got enough mechanical problems with this project. at least leave me my optimism. bud you...don't want to read the book because you're afraid you might learn something? lou that book will compel me to change, so i will resist it on principle. bud fine. call me when you're taking a break from the canoe, we'll grab lunch. lou it is a doghouse on the floor at lou's feet is some whacked-together pile of random boards that looks nothing like a canoe or a doghouse. forge ahead for your information, my dog lucky has no spine or limbs. 446446; a toy prevents against neglect a man scratches his head as a woman holds a little girl, who holds a toy dinosaur in one hand. sean i, uh, wasn't sure what to get her. i hope she likes dinosaurs. kate it's fine! but i hope you didn't spend a lot. no offense, but she'll probably love it for a day, and then it'll go in the box with all the rest. sean no, it was actually just fifty cents! the box says it's designed for exactly that situation--it only lasts a couple of days. the child gets to play with it while it's new and exciting, but everyone's spared the task of finding it a permanent home. caption two days later. sean (thinks) wait, what the heck does that mean, only lasts a couple of days? the two-day-old dinosaur toy erupts in a ball of flame, which unfortunately incinerates kate and her daughter as well. <> use up hit by a comet 447447; the wrong way to ask for $700 billion henry and his father. the father is wearing some kind of military uniform. henry dad, i need cookies. dad no. you're in trouble for flooding the basement with your homemade waterslide. henry you don't get it! i need cookies. it's not a passing desire. it's a legitimate pressing need. when i broke the water main, i awoke a fearsome hydro-dragon who intends to devour us all unless i bring him a giant stack of cookies. dad oh? well, let's go take a look at this dragon. henry no! you can't see him! he's an...invisible hydro-dragon! super-dangerous. trust me! dad henry... when someone with your track record wants that many cookies, this is how to ask dad "i know this sounds bad. i know i've been wrong before. but right now, the danger we face is so great that i ask you to look past me to the facts of the situation, as presented by an impartial third party. "hopefully, for the moment if nothing more, we can set aside our differences and cooperate for the good of us all." henry dad you don't understand i need you to give me a million cookies right now or the invisible dragon is going to devour you and me and mom and everyone and the streets will run red with our liquefied orgaaaaans make your case there is a certain way that grown-ups do things. 448448; true stories of the american west roderick, astride his mighty team of tortoises, is in hot pursuit of dwight, who is riding a tortoise of his own. caption true stories of the american west roderick get back here, scoundrel! dwight yee-haw! i'll never tell you where i hid that gold! roderick by frontier law, you must stop if i challenge your mount to a blood-feud honor-duel! dwight oh yeah well my guy got knives in his feet so he ain't a'feard o' nothin'! wilbur (hovering nearby on his pedal-driven personal helicopter) geez, i probably do not even want to get involved. uphold and unsheathe you can get away with pretty much anything if you precede it with 'according to frontier law' 449449; 'food' is placed in quotes teddy (peering through his spyglass) aaggh what in blazes is this nonsense? mr. kabob i'm a thirteen-dollar, rubbery-tasting kabob representing the captive-audience retail dining industry! teddy so you're the ones at airports and sports arenas raking customers over the coals for needing to eat! eight-dollar hot dogs. twenty-dollar cheese fries. ten-buck gallons of soda made from four cents' worth of syrup. shameless! teddy when burger king straight-out doubles its prices in an airport terminal, you know what it tells the consumer? "out there in the world, if it wasn't for those pesky market forces keeping us down...if only we could charge nine dollars for a whopper, well, by god, we would." mr. kabob blah blah blah boo-hoo crybaby wants everything for nothing. you know how expensive it is to rent a retail stall at a major airport? if we charged street prices we'd be broke in a week. teddy really? that's the reason that prices are so high? mr. kabob to be fair, no. it's the thing that you said. talking meat inching ever closer and then wham smacked with a spyglass and eaten 450450; nations shoot the breeze luxembourg hey, america. how's it going, buddy. feeling any better? america oh, hey, luxembourg. nah, being broke all of a sudden has still got me all mopey. luxembourg how'd that whole afghanistan prank play out? man, i wish i coulda seen your face! america afghanistan prank? luxembourg you know. the russia thing. america russia? russia broke up with afghanistan, like, twenty years ago. luxembourg oh...oh, geez. wait. nobody...nobody told you? america told me what?! luxembourg remember how, when russia was crashing at afghanistan's place, you funneled weapons to the mujahideen to drive him out? big hilarious frat prank? well, dude...russia's been doing that back to you for like five years now. luxembourg sorry, man. we all thought you knew. spain was supposed to tell you. spain this will teach you to never return my calls! go around, come around to try to disprove it. 451451; harv finally succeeds louis so, you know that magnet on the fridge where i put all my rejection letters? it fell off. it couldn't take the crippling weight of my failure. elaine oh, honey, don't be sad! they make bigger magnets! louis you know how people say you have to fail a lot before you can succeed a lot? well, at this rate, i'm on track to be pope. elaine now you're being silly. you're not infallible enough to be pope. louis i just hope this is all building to something, you know? front page of the masthead herald, many years later. headline dead at 84 owner of world's largest fridge magnet one picture shows a much-older louis, the other a gigantic magnet with a tiny man standing beside it for scale. do better kenmore erects giant fridge to memorialize him, self-promote 452452; it just sounds good felicia ...thanks so much for all your help! bufo oh absolutely yeah no problem okay great bufo goes on his way. bufo oh, absolutely. yeah. no problem. okay, great! he continues down the street. bufo absolutely. oh, absolutely. no problem. yeah. yeah, okay! oh yeah, it's no problem at all. it's great! absolutely, yeah. okay, all right! still walking, still talking to nobody. bufo no problem. no problem! no problem at all. great! yeah. absolutely. all right! uh, yeah! okay! great, yeah, absolutely. hey, it's no problem, really. no, it's my pleasure. bufo hey, great, okay, no biggie, no big deal, sure, absolutely! terrance why are you always mumbling? bufo (thought) ...how can i be the only one enthralled by my own eloquence?? once again i cannot be the only person who does this. 453453; all's fair, supposedly two turkeys. barry imagine, a year from now, one of us will be the democratically-elected chancellor of the barnyard. john we have hard campaigns before us, old friend. how will the animals choose which of us will make a better leader? john well, i'll just explain to the livestock how you like to pal around with wolves. barry what? then i'll tell them you voted to give the farmer a sharper ax! john that vote was to buy new tools for the whole farm! including feed buckets! barry and chainsaws, which could potentially be used to dismember everybody! barry look, the goats know i'm no wolf. so i know you'll go after the sheep--and they'll believe you! but what happens if a real wolf shows up? if you make me into the ultimate bogeyman, there'll be not outrage left for the real danger! the new chancellor will need to unite the barnyard...so why make that job harder by spending a solid year dividing it? and becoming everything we hate in order to do so? john one word chicks. poison the well barnyard chancellor is primarily a ceremonial position anyway. the viscount of the hayloft has all the real power. 454454; a stand is taken mycroft i'm tired of corporations taking over everything! we can't let ourselves be ruled by them anymore! mycroft millions of advertising dollars go toward convincing us that some national or global brand knows more about us and our needs than fellow members of our own community. mycroft but at its core, society is made of tribes. it's our neighbors who we'll be relying on when the corporations come crashing down! we're out of milk, right? i'm gonna march right down to the corner store and buy us some milk. think local! shop local! at the corner store. clerk $3.50, please. mycroft (thought) aw, seriously? it's like $2.85 at safeway. stay loyal to no company has ever gone bankrupt expecting customers to put self-interest ahead of principle 455455; benson has a good point dr. marcus prepares a formula as benson watches. marcus ...and there we go. benson? are you paying attention? keep a close eye on the process! you will have to reproduce it yourself! benson yeah okay totally. marcus for once i drink this, i will become too strong to handle the beakers...you must prepare your own dose for yourself! only then, benson, shall the nations bow before us--and together we will rule with power! benson i know. marcus unless...unless you're not planning to prepare your own dose! is that your plan, benson? to allow me to turn, and then abandon me? a monster alone, utterly alone in the world? o what a tragic fate! is this your passive-aggressive way of cautioning me against the dangers of hubris? benson i dunno. marcus very well. a fine consul you have proven to be, benson. we shall retire, this day, and reconsider our aims. i am grateful for your wisdom. you have done us both, and our cause, a great service today. benson totally. listen to benson's just there for the class credit. 456456; the rules go unread the four finalists in a costume contest are dressed as a native american, the statue of liberty, a valkyrie and a soldier. judge (offpanel) and the grand prize goes to... edna the valkyrie! valkyrie oh! what a shock! judge costume by...gax! native american what? liberty gax? the valkyrie morphs into a gaxian. gax thank you! thank you everyone! soldier recount. gax wait, what's the problem? liberty gax, you're a shapeshifter. you're ineligible! gax oh. i see. i didn't realize. the stage is now spattered with blood and gore and body parts are strewn about. compete why, this trophy's just sitting here unattended! 457457; it's all over livingston criminy am i glad the campaign season is over. what did you hate the most? harriet the constant appeals to fear and ignorance! prudence the hyperbolic demonization of the opposition! walter robocalls, man. tv i can turn off, internet i can ignore...but robocalls are the worst. good riddance. elsewhere, the steam-powered autodialer weeps. steam-powered autodialer *snif* vote for soon he'll start calling just to awkwardly chat 458458; a dog wants a sticker a little girl pulls back on her dog's leash. the dog is growling at a large man. mae mumpy's so excited! he wants to go vote! mr. wiggins mumpy can't vote, honey. he's a convicted felon. mumpy rrrrr mae no he's not! he was not convicted! the prosecutor dropped the charges under mysterious circumstances. why you trying to disenfranchise his minority? mr. wiggins well, he certainly doesn't have any i.d. mae he does. he has a tiny little driver's license in a tiny little wallet in his back pocket. you don't believe me? i'll show it to you! mr. wiggins i don't want to see anything that comes out of his back pocket. strive for he is, however, properly registered 459459; pants have a pedigree barney ...so then i says, "no, i want plaid pants! "you know what plaid is? you know what plaid is? "it's plaid!" barney the secretary-general just looked at me. you know that guy's got eyes could melt a steam-shovel. "barney," he say, "times are tough. you think everyone don't want plaid pants? but we got to ration them trousers, barney. "some of us...we got to sacrifice." then, in the middle of the crowded hall, i kid you not... --took off his grandaddy's very own plaid pants. handed 'em right over to me. "fer you," he says, "and fer the union." barney class act, that one. class a-plus act all the way to the bay. fred barney, i asked where you wanted to have lunch. barney i'm getting to that form-fitting you do not have to explain how you were shot out of a cannon over occupied france in order to give me your opinion on sandwiches 460460; free soup is scored chet first time i've seen you at the soup kitchen. leonard first time i've come. i like this place. humble. not a lot wasted on decor. very new frugality. chet that's that movement i've been hearing about. leonard oh, yeah. everyone's doing it, one-upping each other to see who can live the cheapest. you know -- saving energy, eating here for free, things like that. trying to cut out disposables. chet sounds great. leonard we use handkerchiefs now, instead of kleenex. and washable cotton rags instead of paper towels. chet ooh, that's a health hazard. wet cloth will mildew pretty quick. leonard we wash everything daily. we have to, ever since we decided to go all the way. chet all the way? leonard reusable toilet paper. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's a lot of work for our housemaid gabriella. but man are we the envy of the community garden! conserve then you'll love the soup--it's recycled too! (by my kidneys) 461461; all are shaped by circumstance calvin the internet is the great connector! isaac the internet is the great polarizer. calvin here's an example. joe-blow weirdo had a traumatic childhood. saw too many "leprechaun" movies in strange contexts and now he's got a mild fetish for dwarves in horror makeup. before the internet, he's alone and miserable...but now he's on a message-board full of friendly, like-minded freaks reassuring each other that they don't need to conform to some marketing-driven farce of "normality" to be happy! isaac that's just the danger! before, his "mild fetish" might have atrophied as he was forced to interact with society at large. but instead, a chorus of encouragement from other lunatics strokes his quirk into an obsession that takes over his identity! joe it's very rude talkin' about someone who ain't part of the conversation! isaac joe we are just using you as an example. find your place wrote this comic first, then went looking for images...found this one right away and was all like 'yessssssss' 462462; there is quite a stench nor thanks for coming! please, come on in. you were very highly recommended by my friend bernie. thelma ugh! what's that smell? nor ...i don't smell anything? thelma of course you don't! you're marinating in it. you're numb to it. but oh! it's awful! it's like...hmm. vinegar, certainly. old chicken rotting in the trash. traces of...expired margarine. wet animal. misery. thelma a hint of sweaty fear. were you nervous about inviting me over? nor you can smell that? thelma oh, norman. norman. desperation reeks from these walls. this morning, you ate great handfuls of pretzels through thick veils of tears. you will do the same tomorrow. nor you're right. you're absolutely right. oh geez. thelma i have seen this horror before. only once. at yo momma's. bernie haha boom i got you back! take a whiff another patented bernie-burnnnnn!!! 463463; the future is saved an older man in a train converses with a boy standing next to the tracks. doc marty! you've got to come with me! marty where? doc back to the future! marty doc, you'd better back up! you don't have enough track to get up to eighty-eight! doc track? where we're going we don't need track! the train races through a town, freed from the confines of railway tracks. marty woooooo 1.21 jigawatts of it's your kids, marty! something's gotta be done about your kids! - but doc! i'm not even a goat farmer! - marty! in the future you are 464464; distraction prevails inside. melinda woop, time to go change the laundry. oh, i forgot to take out the trash! outside. melinda i should really check my oil. i never remember to do it when the engine's cold. ah shoot! that book i had the library hold is going back if i don't pick it up today! melinda is driving down the street. melinda oh! i think we're out of milk. i better stop at the store or else i can't have cereal tomorrow. i should call jeremy, see if he needs anything... my phone! i left it at the gym! back inside. caption four hours later... jeremy ...i come home to find the lights on, washing machine open with wet clothes in it, half a banana on the sink and the bathtub overflowing! melinda has a squid on her head. melinda look we all got problems there's also sixteen hours later the whole building is just rubble 465465; a conversation dies clive how's working from home treating you? lucinda great! except for this guy who keeps coming into my office and pooping in the corner of the room. onto this, like, mound of sand set up for just that purpose! clive pooping--oh, the cat! ha ha ha! clive i used to have a co-worker like that! she was cute, but eventually i had to lock her in the bathroom to stop her from trying to lick my face all the time! lucinda the guy in my office is real "touchy" too. very affectionate, totally inappropriate for the workplace. he always wants to sit on my lap while i work! i should really file a formal complaint with h.r.! reg i can't compete with you folks! weirdest thing that ever happened to me down at the factory was a guy ratted me out for pocketing misformed o-rings off the line an' takin' 'em home for "illicit purposes." but he got his! four and a half hours o' night-vision video of him stayin' after hours an' humpin' the welding robots! clive and lucinda just stare at reg silently. overhear soooooo...you wanna see it? 466466; everyone loves the freak percy and his mother. mother is sewing. percy why do all modern pictures of santa's sleigh have rudolph at the front? rudolph's a non-canon reindeer! rudolph the "rudolph" song is basically fan-fiction! i get that a red nose makes for a good toy...but you can't just make willy-nilly additions to santa's official roster! mother the "official roster" was itself just made up by the author of "a night before christmas." percy really? mother really. clement moore invented the whole brood. percy oh. i thought they were in the bible! stay true rudolph is a classic mary sue. but then again so is jesus 467467; melanie disappoints her grandmother melanie grandma, did you read the story i wrote for you? grandma i did, honey. it was a fair first draft. but nothing of value can ever be created without significant, laborious effort. grandma revise that story 'til it's as good as you can make it, then know that it's still not good enough. you have to revise it again, and again, and again until you get sick of it. that's how you prove you're serious. if the process is fun at all, you're doing it wrong. so, take another crack at the story, then burn it because your first hundred stories will all be crap anyway. melanie but this is my fiftieth draft! i kept going back over it, never satisfied, being my own worst critic... then i thought, it's silly to be so insecure! i'll just show it to her, she can't just hate it outright grandma (interrupting) wrong! crumple it up the story is entitled 'a bear and his comically-large fedora go to disneyland a heavy-handed allegory about the war in afghanistan' 468468; innovation leads to injury woman 1 ...but, you know, painting an entire house can get so expensive, just the supplies involved. woman 1 so he says, "paintbrushes are what? just animal hair, repackaged!" "why don't we just cut out the middleman!" woman 2 cut out the- meanwhile <> make do mounted on long poles to reach the ceiling 469469; now you know bernardo i just had one of those full-body cat scans. turns out i'm a walking calamity. bernardo got cysts in my gut. calcium in my gallbladder. spurs in my joints. some kind of parasite living in my spine, and over a dozen different types of gout. bernardo all apparently asymptomatic. man, yesterday i was fine. now i'm a bucket of meat about to keel over. leopod don't forget cancer from the scan. bernardo i can now cook hot pockets from a distance. take a look so that'll come in handy as i gorge myself in despair 470470; it doesn't take much uncle bob is decorating a christmas tree and singing. uncle bob good king wenceslas looked out on the feast of stephen grace ...stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni! uncle bob stick that noise somewhere else. i'm singing wenceslas. grace but it's the same tune! just like twinkle twinkle little star is the same as the alphabet song! uncle bob what? no it's not! it's totally... wait (sings) twinkle, twinkle... george when i left, uncle bob was decorating the tree. when i came back, he was huddled in a ball mumbling "what else don't i know, what else don't i know." grace holidays make everyone crazy. sing along uncle bob cannot be trusted to live alone. 471471; bill ends up paying full price randolph i like these novelty scissors, but... why is the price so much higher than in the ads? ben that's because the advertised price includes a rebate! ben to claim it, all you have to do is send in your original receipt, a printout of a web form, and the upc code from the packaging. we're hoping you won't bother! so we won't have to pay you! randolph what about this one? does it have a rebate too? ben it sure does! with this one, even if you do send it in, we'll conveniently "lose" your original upc and claim we never got it. "nothing we can do! must have been the post office!" randolph you would do that? ben what reason do we have not to? randolph is this one any different? ben that rebate is issued as a prepaid visa card. you can use it a few times--until you're stuck with a card that's got $1.18 left on it. then, the card expires! basically, we make it so hard for you to spend your own money, that we get to keep some of it! as a reward! ben and then there's this one. this is our most popular rebate. instead of dollars, it's paid in excruciating groin-kicks, administered by hugo here. hugo hello. randolph people really choose that one? ben well, sure, given the options. whatta great deal stymied at the novelty-scissor emporium! 472/ [472; it's everywhere hobart has an urgent need. overhead is a large banner. banner old people / annual conference and trade show hobart ah, jeez. i don't want to use the bathroom here, it'll be full of old people. hobart excuse me, is there another bathroom in the hotel? bell just down the hallway past the other conference. hobart thank you. hobart hurries down the hall... ...where he finds the other conference. banner old people with bowel control problems annual conference and trade show hobart aw c'mon! find your place being picky has cost him valuable time! 473473; jim is convinced to buy tires jim anything good in the mail? looks like...holiday cards? jeeves some. newsletter type and spam type. jim oh, good. little jessamynn got an award for perfect attendance at school. but uncle george passed a kidney stone the size of a chicken nugget. also, surprise! everyone's thankful for blessings. what're the spam ones? jeeves let's see...dentist, car insurance, income tax preparer, alumni association. oh, hold the phone! this...this is new. a combo. we see the "combo." card season's greetings from your friends at ace tire pros. what a crazy year it's been! at ace we've had some real challenges. bill, our muffler expert, suffered a hernia while lifting a catalytic converter--right during our busy "may is for mufflers" promotion! but we still managed to set a sales record that big al...(cut off)...will be proud of. our office... tell us all about to be fair, jessamynn didn't have much choice in the matter. 474474; you better watch out winston "he sees you when you're sleeping. he knows when you're awake. "he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake!" "for goodness' sake" is an expression of exasperation. winston is the narrator fed up with the subject's behavior? if so, the whole song's an admission of impotence. "i can't do anything to stop you, but for crying out loud, santa's gonna getcha! so shape up!" this is a sad plea! and it makes santa into a bogeyman. winston or, are we meant to take "for goodness' sake" literally? in that case, the song is a contradiction. we are not urged to be good for goodness' own sake, but rather to escape judgment. no mention of honesty or charity. morality is simply a tactic to avoid santa's wrath! sarah well, maybe that's an overriding concern for some reason. caption elsewhere santa cocks a lever-action rifle. <> do it for hunting season's only open one night a year. 475475; trouble is both avoided, and provoked belinda get your wife anything good for christmas, bob? bob not yet! our family doesn't celebrate it for another three months. belinda oh, you on the, uh, the metric calendar or something? bob nah, it's just...the cattle call is too much. stores are packed, mail takes forever, travel's like twice the price... bob and the actual date of christmas is arbitrary anyhow. so we just bumped our celebration from the december solstice up to the march equinox. we still take time as a family to exchange gifts and commemorate the birth of christ, but we do it free of media nonsense and logistical hassle. belinda huh. and gloria's on board with this? bob well...i sorta forgot to tell her about it? let us just say that yesterday was "awkward." make a tradition of she will not be putting the snowman decorations back in the yard for marchmas. 476476; suffering was a waste sol i've finally done it, morty! i've paid off the mortgage. taken ten long years of scrimpin' and savin', but i finally own the old hovel free and clear. morty same here! it's a great feeling, innit? sol impossible! you've been delinquent for months! morty absolutely. but come christmas morning, what do we see but ebenezer scrooge himself dancing down the avenue, handing out candy and neck-rubs! we can't even get the "lo" out of "hello" before he's torn up our debt right there in the street! morty food poisoning. totally insane. by noon his entire debtor roster is casually milling around his house, hoping to "accidentally" encounter him before he has an aneurysm. barnes got a free car. larry got scrooge's own house! just handed him the deed! sol i...i sold my own fillings to have that mortgage paid off by christmas. morty then you should totally come over. scrooge gave us way too much figgy pudding. it all pays off all that factory work has been real character-building for little billy, you know? 477477; mike's off to a great start alphonse good morning! happy new year! gaston ooh, despite a pounding headache, a fine morning it is. i trust the year is going well so far? alphonse indeed! so far every morning of the year has dawned beautifully and fine. such wonderful beginnings! gaston whereas i've been hung over every morning this year. i hope this is no harbinger of the months to come! alphonse you do know that that's within your control, of course. gaston so far every conversation we've had this year has ended uncomfortably. polite omissions not unlike last year 478478; snakes issue norbert salted peanut? offers a can. alfred i don't see why not. snakes spring out of the novelty can. startled, alfred jumps backwards. <> ...alfred and the snakes plunge off the nearby cliff. close-up of the can, which is marked colgate & co's peanuts and bears a warning label do not use near cliffs. watch out for he coolly flicks a cigarette butt over the edge, turning and walking away before the mark has even hit bottom. the hundred grand will be in his bank account by the time he reaches his car. 479479; oliver's busy day it's the end of the day and oliver has his feet up. mr. faversham-smythe evening, oliver. i trust you had a productive day? oliver absolutely! might even finish my entire to-do list today! mr. faversham-smythe i say! quite an accomplishment! whatever will you do once it's all done? oliver well, once the list itself is done, then i start in on the stuff on the list. small steps but that'll probably be a tomorrow thing 480480; youths cavort two ladies are watching their children at play. a boy runs by with a fishing rod. shirley oh, do be careful with that, muffin! the boys are roughhousing so! someone's going to get hurt! laverne let 'em! laverne you can't shelter kids forever! they've got to learn to pick themselves up when they fall! you gotta teach self-reliance! a few bumps and bruises are good for a kid! another boy runs by with a pig under his arm. laverne's son appears. his head is missing and blood spurts from the stump. laverne walk it off! go play okay if you could just uh point me in the right direction 481481; linda optimizates winthrop hey linda, i've got some notes on the latest version. linda did those changes work for you? winthrop something's still wrong. when was the last time you optimizated this document? just take a quick optimizating pass and i think that'll do it. linda i...i'm not sure what you... winthrop in fact, you should optimizate all your project files, just to be sure. i know you're new, so ask one of the guys to give you a rundown on our optimizating procedure. linda um, okay. linda how long has he thought "optimizating" is a real thing? jim about six months now. linda and how often do we usually optimizate our files? jim every afternoon for about an hour or so. work smarter it's all he asks for anymore 482482; hair is hacked at instructor terrible. terrible in every way. look at this shoddy work. his bangs are crooked. sideburns look like spider's nests. poor fellow might as well have stuck his head in the garbage disposal! imagine he's going to a wedding. oh, the dirty looks he'll receive! the pariah of his family! instructor at the walforth barber academy, our credentialed graduates coif kings, popes and emperor-pope-kings. but i wouldn't send a two-bit boulder-licker into a carriage-filled roadway wearing this cheapjack chop-job! where is your pride, sir! student the corpse kept shifting, sir. i did my level best. shall i take another go at him? instructor the head's a lost cause. let's strip him down and begin the waxing test. student okay this part's pass/fail right? cut it close walforth barber academy! we buy hairy corpses; enquire within. 483483; it's time to move on caption extensive job losses continue to mount. dick as much as it pains me to say it...everyone, pack up your things. our doors are closing. our industry is no longer sustainable. john (offpanel) what! john there's got to be a way to keep the lights on! how do we get ahold of some of that bailout money? that stuff's being handed out like halloween candy to anyone with a scary enough mask! dick (offpanel) forget it! dick nobody cries for the buggy-whip manufacturers henry ford bankrupted. we all have to adapt or die! that's what progress is! we can no longer deal with the world as it used to be, or how we wish it still was. wishful spending trying to maintain some obsolete status quo is like running into the future with one leg tied behind your back! exterior showing a gate and part of a sign. john still. i loved this job. dick don't worry, you'll probably get a book deal. the sign says "guantanamo." steady work there are no peaceful transfers of power within the free market 484484; a genre is derided jamaal hey, you wanna go to the university screening series? this semester they're doing westerns. kyra nah, not really a big fan of westerns. jamaal come on! the heroism! the sweeping vistas! the unironic presentation of cut-and-dried morality! kyra i've had enough cowboy fetishism for one decade, thank you very much. kyra besides, what more can possibly be said about "the wild west?" by the time there's a body of historical fiction with a total running time longer that the historical era itself, i am just over it! jamaal i guess that answers my next question, about the m*a*s*h marathon. git along to specious argument #61 in favor of sci-fi being the best of all genres 485485; the australian butler donald is throwing a boomerang. he's just starting his throw. now he's halfway through the throw. now the boomerang is gone. now the boomerang is painfully embedded in nigel's skull. donald (offpanel) dinner's ready. nigel couldn't you just use a bell or something come and get it but then you'd hear it coming! 486486; there goes the neighborhood westmoreland hey man, what's shakin'. what's the story with this valley? this a good place to live, you think? lopez it is very fertile. my family has lived here for many generations. westmoreland awesome. i'll put my mansion right here sorta where you're standing. what's with the triangle things? lopez those are the sacred pyramids where my ancestors are buried. westmoreland cool. there any kinda zombie curse or anything we should know about? i mean, i want to pillage 'em, but i don't want to cause no problems. lopez our people lie merely asleep in their graves, waiting to shriek forth and bring agonizing death to any who would dare disturb their peace. westmoreland be serious. lopez ...in truth the curse is probably apocryphal. westmoreland wicked. carter, bust out the gatling guns. i want to be revered as a god by teatime. take over i want to be booty-deep in booty, you know wh'um sayin? 487487; one has to wonder walter huh, look at that guy. looks kind of like an older version of you. jim-bob whenever i see people like that, i always wonder who they are. jim-bob are we related? maybe they're some cousin i've never met? maybe that's my real dad, you know? maybe the jerk married to my mom stole me as a baby. maybe that guy is the king of some far-off country, come to claim me and make me a prince. walter i take a different view. i always imagine those people to be me from the future, sent back to watch over me in the past. walter they never say anything, 'cause they don't want me to know. it might jeopardize their very existence in the future! but i will recall this moment, when i am them, and know i won't have to say a single word. seeing folks who might be future-me is reassuring. it lets me believe that behind the scenes, things are quietly being arranged for my life to progress successfully. and no matter how dark things seem, i'll be fine--because someday i'll make it to the point at which i'll go back in time. jim-bob see, i like your thing better. walter really? all things considered, yours is more likely to be real. jim-bob of course neither is real. but in yours, the fact that the stranger walks away without so much as a glance is part of it. if he said anything, he'd wreck it. in mine, when the stranger walks away, that ends it. it's not real. it's over. jim-bob as far as you know, you're visited by your future self every day. but no king has ever come to save me. a biplane flies low over a lake. in a spectacular hall, the bearded man in the background during walter and jim-bob's conversation meets with the queen. queen did you locate the long-lost prince? beardsley why not? yeah, but he was sort of a whiny emo bitch, so i said forget it. looks just like you never know who's listening! 488488; all people are below average whitley a lot of companies spend a lot of money to convince us that their product will finally make our messed-up selves normal. whitley but there is no normal! it's a false construct! there's no single person in the world who is "normal!" whitley everybody's alone. everybody's hurting. and aspiring to some mythical "normality" is holding us back from dealing with our problems on their own terms. bart i'm not alone. i'm not hurting. in fact, i feel perfectly content! whitley freak! conform to you're the one i want to beeeeeeee 489489; the mirror speaks a woman, hands at her hips and smiling, is examining her reflection in a mirror woman oh, grandpa...if only you could see the proud young woman i've become! <> an older man appears in the mirror, replacing the woman's reflection woman grandpa! grandpa yes woman is...is it really you? from beyond the grave? grandpa yes woman i've missed you so! wo...why have you never appeared like this before? grandpa well grandpa frankly, susan grandpa you are pretty boring <> the grandpa's image disappears, becoming the reflection of the woman once again, though now she is frowning look and this is by sitting-around-on-clouds-strumming-harps standards 490490; parenthood is fraught harry hey! turn off that tv! what did i say about contemporary children's media? harry what did daddy say. harry jr it's bad for my brain. harry that's right. if you wanna watch tv, you can watch dvds of 1980s sesame street, before it got all pc. if you're good, we'll play a little super mario all-stars on the super nintendo. jennifer oh, harry. still trying to give your son your own childhood? harry i sure don't trust today's culture not to mess him up! i don't want him becoming some texting-crazed exhibitionist facebook-urchin with a narcissistic sense of entitlement! i have to feed him safe cultural artifacts from my childhood--the stuff that made me into the decent person i am today. jennifer i thought your parents tried to raise you on howdy doody and bosco drink. harry ooh yeah and i hated it! stick with harry quickly hides his iphone. 'now, the internet won't exist until you're in high school,' he says, 'but here's a jcpenney catalog that came with the sunday paper.' 491491; wendy is prepared craig bursts in on wendy, who is knitting. craig flood's rising! we gotta go! grab the emergency survival kit! later, craig and wendy sit atop the roof of their mostly-submerged home. craig has three wool caps on his head, one on his left shoulder and two on his right knee. wendy is still knitting. craig is there anything else in the emergency survival kit besides knitting needles and yarn? wendy you said to just pack the necessities! all you need's hmm. only brought the one pattern. 492492; rebecca laughs sally i've come up with a sure-fire defense against criticism. go on. say something critical of me. ted uhh...i don't like your hat. sally hahahahaha sally now you feel like an idiot! by belittling you, i position myself as above your petty concerns. your complaint begins to seem ridiculous. what piece of the puzzle are you missing? were you mistaken to begin with? any merit to your argument becomes immaterial. ted this sounds like a pretty dumb technique. sally hahahahaha shrug it off of course there is plenty of criticism to which derisive laughter is the only appropriate response. 493493; lindsay is tagged in a note we're looking at "25 random things" from a facebook page. text ...the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.) 1. i own close to 100 copies of vanilla ice's autobiography (when i learned it was ghost-written by his manager tommy quon, i lost all interest in being a distributor). 2. in the seventh grade, i invented a new eating utensil called the "clingting." i ate every meal with it for four and a half years. it involved magnets. 3. on a dare, i once broke a window of a police car with my forehead, then blamed it on a homeless guy passed out in a gutter nearby and was awarded a medal. 4. ever since i saw "the neverending story," i've felt that if ever i am truly needed, i will hear a book calling out to me. it's happened twice and i've ignored it both times. 5. i used to be a vegetarian for moral reasons, but ever since a cow kicked my baby brother in the head i've switched to an all-beef diet. those jerks deserve it. 6. i've never understood the lyrics to "u can't touch this." is he talking about his... elise is happily typing away on her gigantic 19th-century difference engine. charles watches her. charles you know, i think the point is that they're supposed to be true. elise you don't know me very well, do you? live colorfully i had a long, full life before we met, charles. 494494; employment is elusive an airy, well-lit club dining room. two gentlemen of stately bearing are standing in the foreground. top hat how'd the interview go? hatless it's weird! i thought i did great, but i didn't get the job. hatless i mean, i did everything right. hatless dressed to the nines. hatless proofread the resume a dozen times. hatless strong handshake, insightful questions. hatless even did that "mirroring" thing with body language to build rapport! hatless i don't know what went wrong! top hat were you qualified for the job? hatless oh god no. take a stab in los angeles, where i live, there seem to have been a lot of people whose dire need for employment somehow trumped the city engineer's need for people who actually knew how to design highway interchanges 495495; something lurks in the woods two men stand over a skeletonized corpse. mark he appears to have been gored by antlers, then devoured! rusty oh, man...these tracks look like... rusty piranhamoose! the creature stands revealed, all fur and sharp teeth and mighty antlers! piranhamoose graaawwhh rusty stands silently, struck by its horrible majesty. rusty (quietly) awesome. look out for the legends come down to us in yellowed fur-trappers' journals...in shaky rough-hewn script, scrawled by fading candlelight, a single penciled word 'awesome.' 496496; an ape is stranded a small ape accosts a couple. john what in the holy-- ape do not be alarmed! i am from your future! i was sent on a research mission into the past, but my chronoship has broken down! ape as a scholar of your language, customs and technology, i have learned enough in three days to fill dozens of textbooks back home. now i seek only a few small papers of your current money to buy replacement parts for my craft. anticipating that this might happen, we were careful to build the chronoship out of parts from a 1981 datsun 280zx. please, friends...may i trouble you for a single dollar toward my goal? mary don't do it, john, he's just going to spend it on crack. ape madam do not be absurd your crack is but butterscotch compared to my crack at home come home to my wife oogbgha has a recipe that will set your very veins afire 497497; breakfast is explained simon, who will be your server today gentlemen. are we ready to order? charlie what are the "fancy eggs au vingt-neuf?" simon, who will... free-range hen eggs delicately cracked into a porcelain bowl, the yolk and albumen whipped until smooth with a silver whisk, then seared on a steaming griddle until golden and fluffy. charlie so it's scrambled eggs. simon, who... it's not entirely unlike what others sometimes lable as "scrambled eggs." charlie what makes them "fancy?" simon the fact that they cost twenty-nine dollars. part of this complete optionally, they can be prepared drizzled with artisanal peppercorn shavings, or sprinkled with crushed crystalline minerals. zagat take notice 498498; a rich drama unfolds a hand casts the shadow of a goose. isabella (goose shadow) ...i'm sorry i'm late. i snuck out as quickly as i dared. o duckworth! this secrecy weighs heavy on my spirit! must our love be confined to darkness forever? anothe hand casts the shadow of a duck. duckworth (duck shadow) steady, isabella. the tremors in your voice are natural. for ours is a love that dares not squawk its name! come, let me--what's that! who's there! both hands cast the shadow of the farmer. farmer ah hah! i knew there was some shenanigans goin' on back here! you two lovebirds are in a heap o'trouble! i shoulda known! pull back to reveal his majesty. footman (offpanel) your majesty, the prime minister's here to see you? his majesty tell him he will have to wait gesture toward i shall write the nasty little troll into my stories! 499499; alex just can't manage it alex (silently staring at a woman) "i like your dress." c'mon. say it. "i like your dress." "i like your dress." alex (still to himself) there is zero risk here. she'll say "thank you." just say it. open your mouth and say it. "i like your dress." you're not saying it. alex no conversation will result. there is no potential for rejection. think of it simply as a training exercise to banish shyness. she's pulling away! break the conditioning! it is legitimately a nice dress! say it say it say it say it say it the woman is now out of the panel. alex (quietly dying a thousand deaths) aaarrrgghhhh the woman is alone in the last panel. tina (to herself) bluh, i always get stared at in this dress. don't hold back but it's not like taking it off and walking around in my underwear is any better! if anything, it's worse! 500500; vince is all worked up again vince honey. this could change everything about our lives. are you ready to hear my confession? talia oh, beyond ready. into agog. vince it's my eyes. they're different! one sees the world slightly more greenly. the other's a little more red! vince i know this must come as a terrible shock. but do not hate me for my mutation! i seek only to aid humanity with my gift! talia my eyes do that too. i think everyone's probably do, to some degree. vince (good lord, is he crying??) i thought i had a superpower. talia oh, sweetie, you do. it's being excitable about retarded things like this. the uncanny i'm always afraid that i'm lacking some fundamental human trait that everyone else has but always just thinks is too obvious to ever talk about. 501501; the neighbor visits clive you ever have that thing where you get mad at someone in a dream and the you're still mad when you wake up? well, i did the opposite. clive last night i dreamed i had a real heart-to-heart with arthur from next door. i felt silly for hating him all these years. and the weirdest part was--when i woke up, that deep and abiding hatred was legitimately gone! i don't hate him anymore! julia but that was just a dream! in reality he's still the same jerk he's always been! and that animal of his! ugh! clive but i've let go of my hate! i feel great! the poor ol' weirdo is just chronically misunderstood! julia you cannot let your guard down or he will sense it arthur suddenly appears, riding his piranhamoose, fluffy. fluffy knocks clive down. arthur oh hey fluffy here just ate your dog i think sorry about that listen for or maybe it was a baby i mean it all happened so fast 502502; kevin talks to himself a man is carrying on a conversation with a camel wearing a top hat. camel people are always afraid of being seen talking to themselves. "oh, i'll look like a crazy person." but crazy people don't talk to themselves! they talk to others--to people only they can see! i agree! simply mumbling to oneself is perfectly valid. it's how some people organize their thoughts! it's when someone's having an animated conversation with thin air--that's when you've got to watch out! but as for mumbling--heck, i'd rather have a rich inner monologue than have to restrain myself all the time for fear of looking ridiculous! camel yes! absolutely! the man has disappered, but the camel remains. camel that's what i'm always saying, but the normals call me crazy! sweeper who are you talking to? hold court with next comes the agitated, spittle-flinging air-boxing 503503; a crow drinks off-panel special hand-drawn strip for april fool's day. maalkies! an airship swings wildly from its gas bag. voice whoa-oa! voice 2 hold 'er steady! note (below panel) with apologies and respect to tony millionaire captain there's nothin' i can do! somethin's fouling up my controls! a bear in an ill-fitting hat stalks away angrily. bear that rotten maalki! is up to no good! the bear sees the problem. maalki! my beard's in the sprockets again there's also a bottom strip, just like maakies. the day i met tony millionaire birds fly over waves. malki! shows a strip to tony millionaire. malki! here is a sample of "wondermark!" birds fly over waves. millionaire examines the strip thoughtfully. millionaire hmmmm the waves are in a bathtub. the birds are apparently painted on the wall. millionaire continues to study the strip as malki! waits nervously. millionaire (thinking) what is this garbage? dook dook dook to be fair, i don't know that he was thinking that exactly. 504504; it just doesn't stop two men listen silently as a baby screams ceaselessly offpanel. baby waaaaaa same as first panel. screaming continues. baby aaaaaaa bob in caveman days, you think they just shook babies all the time? didn't know any better? baby aaaaaa ray they probably got to do all kinds of stuff we're not supposed to do anymore. bob turns to ray and just stares at him. baby aaaaaaa evolve into reason #485 why it would suck to be a cave i bet babies used to be even more annoying than they are today. all of today's babies are descended from the subset of caveman babies that were not intolerable enough to destroy. 505505; one cannot let loose everett yes, sir. you had a complaint? malcolm i'd call it more of a suggestion. are you the guy to receive brilliant suggestions? everett i do seem to have drawn the short straw. malcolm i've been in some pretty fancy public restrooms. some have mood lighting. others have creepy attendants. everyone's got the basic plumbing needs pretty well covered. but what's the number one most basic thing all public restrooms should have, but none do? malcolm really loud background noise. like waterfalls, or jungle birds, or polka music, or all of the above. your restroom is a tomb. all hearing echoes of the guy three stalls down when he blinks. malcolm i can't crap in a tomb. i can't make any truly satisfying bowel progress if i can be heard. everett those of us who have to clean up after you would argue that that's the point. got to go to yes i know they have all kinds of goofy toilet things in japan. 506506; a franchise opportunity it's francis' turn at the front of the line. francis today's special, please. a soldier of the raj leaps over the table, jabbing at francis with his bayonet. soldier graahaaaa francis hey! hey! what is this? lars the counter today's special. bayoneting. francis (still fighting off the soldier) i wanted garroting! lars that's thursday. francis ah, geez. you're right. sorry! carry on. soldier grrrr exterior of the store francis is in. it's called the murder hut. take a number the frequent-buyer punch cards didn't really end up working out. 507507; leopold is located whyte ...you don't look like leopold. tiger because i was transformed! by the wizard! i told you! you must retrieve the skull of the minotaur to change me back! whyte the minotaur that protects the village? you just want me to kill him so you can eat the villagers! you probably ate leopold! tiger arrrgh no it's me your friend your pal whyte then you won't mind answering a question that only leopold would know the answer to. what does leopold's flesh taste like? tiger soft. heavily marbled. slightly nutty with a hint of old rum. whyte ahhah! tiger dangit! challenge i guess if you're licking yourself all the time, you might not realize that not everyone else does the same. 508508; a proposition is made riding a bird, rick flies towards elspeth. he tows a huge banner on which is written will you mar-- elspeth oh, rick! how romantic! of course i-- rick wait for the rest the rest of the banner reads --ginalize my opinions. let fly apparently it's time to make it official. 509509; a horn is overt a horn is mounted on a stand. a large placard affixed to the stand reads blow me. sebastian approaches, sees the horn and the sign. sebastian moves on. shirley so...did you? sebastian of course not! it's some kind of trick or something! who even makes a sign like that? back to the horn. horn well the subtle approach sure wasn't working. make your wishes known c'mon it's what i was made for 510510; rob tries to read rob (offpanel) thinking about midnight pancakes. you want to come? darla nah, i want to finish this reading. rob (leaning over the book) reading! of course! the most thrilling of all known pursuits! look at all those fascinating words! the paper is positively thick with 'em! rob (leaning closer) but oh no! the edge of the page approacheth! what's going to happen to all those helpless words? leap for it, little ones! leap into the next chapter! rob (leaning even closer) saaaaave yourselllves darla this is why i read. to escape. lose yourself in probably shouldn't have been re-reading the ol' diary, then 511511; a flight is taken thad waves goodbye to a disinterested-looking theodosia. thad i'm gonna head up for a while, back in a bit. theodosia have fun. thad climbs onto a bizarre pedal-driven flying machine. he lifts off, copter blades spinning furiously. <> thad gains altitude as the blades spin faster. <> high over the countryside, thad meets norman coming the other way on his own flying contraption, which is completely different from thad's. thad how's tricks, norman? <> nor what <> thad i said, "how's tricks, norman?" <> nor bricks? <> thad tricks! how's tricks? nor what? thad flies on, passing two men fishing near a small town. <> thad good morning! thad passes a group of men watching a steamship pass by. thad good morning! <> thad passes some rocky cliffs and some large birds. thad wheeee <> a great city lies spread out below him. <> thad good morning! he continues to fly over the urban sprawl. <> thad good morning everyone! and he's sitting on a barrel, making the "whutta whutta" noise, back at home. thad whutta whutta whutta whutta theodosia we should really get grandpa on some new medication. thelinda oh, but he always comes back with such stories! take a ride but never any presents. 512512; earl does it himself earl honey, how many tablespoons are in a liter? carla (offpanel) oh, baby, you're cooking? sweetie, you'll be at this all week. let me see your recipe. earl (offpanel) no. i don't want you to do it for me. i want to figure it out for myself. carla (to herself) his pans aren't greased...there's forks in the microwave...the milk jug is in the oven... carla do you at least want some tips that might make it go smoother for you? earl no. i just want to know how many tablespoons are in a liter. carla it's sixty-seven. earl thank you. caption one week later carla oh, honey, these muffins are delicious! i guess all it takes to really break the mold is an outsider's perspective! what's your secret? earl i soaked them in lime juice overnight, then deep-fried them in mayonnaise! then i went to the store. make it happen and i did it my way 513513; fatigue defies reason driver mister charles. you must get up. everybody is waiting. charles (still in bed, but also wearing a monocle) don't wanna. go away. driver your mother, she is here. your papa, he is here. the children have practiced a song. the doves are weeping for freedom. please. charles no i'm comfy womfy. driver you asked me to wake you at six-thirty. it is now past eleven. you know you must get up. do not stay in bed simply to spite me! charles if i do get up it's not gonna be because you made me. insist on the color guard is nervously tittering. the brass band has fainted from exertion. the mayor is beginning to check his pocketwatch and fidget with his sash. 514514; the waiter shows his prowess waiter (hands in pockets, smug smile) okay, so let's see if i've got this right starting with the crab cake sampler. then minestrone and broccoli cheese soup, a bowl and a cup respectively. waiter buffalo burger for you, medium well with no onions, mustard on the side, sub out the fries for salad. extra croutons and a lemon wedge. then the pulled pork sandwich on ciabatta with baked beans and macaroni. iced tea, diet coke, and i'll get you the cocktail menu. waiter everything sound correct? burnside just write it down make it easy really we will not think any less of you if you take notes. 515515; there is quite the selection waiter (still not writing anything down) ...anything else to drink? burnside what do you have on tap? waiter let's see...rusty tricycle, uncleburglar, steelhouse stiltwalker, boogerbrau, prancing minotaur, dunderschnauzen, chairfarter stout, and aardshark. caption the dangers of eating out of town burnside uh...what's the aardshark like, i guess? waiter oh, it's a lot like a wenchbucket. take your pick wenchbucket is all right but it's sure no bogchucking bastard. 516516; yoga makes me tense caption airport pickup zone, 1235 pm prof. yogi hello, excuse me! your beard, your shirt! it's a good look! where are you from? i am from europe! prof. yogi produces a couple of books. prof. yogi take a look at this book, eh? it's about yoga, it really will help you out! and this is the bhagavad-gita, very famous book! see, even gandhi read it, you heard of gandhi! it's gandhi's favorite book! very famous! prof. yogi i am a monk! not a drunk not a skunk just a monk! and hey is there just some small donation you can... traveler i'm sorry, i'm not able to. prof. yogi even a trade. we can trade, whatever you have is okay. whatever's in the bag. traveler i can't-- prof. yogi just any apple, orange, banana! you look like some big shot! caption i swear this is 100% true. enlighten yourself you look like some movie star, eh? yes! 517517; a break for it is made a stone tower rises high above a church on a cliff by the sea. pat ...i think it could really work, terry. terry finally! escape is within our grasp! same as first panel, but a little closer. pat but there's only room for one. which of us will go? terry you go, brother. bring help. fly! closer now, we see something emerge from a small window near the top of the tower. pat rrrgghhh! give me a shove! terry fly! fly! closer still as pat takes flight on an enormous glider. terry waves from the window. down on the shore, passers-by gawk and point at the sight of pat and his glider helplessly entangled in the power and phone lines. pat this is so embarrassing take off for not suave, hombre. not suave. 518518; it's a slow day a single-runway airport sits outside a small town. a few buildings are visible in the near distance. six papa romeo desert tower, biplane six papa romeo requests eastbound transition your airspace at five thousand five hundred. tower six papa romeo, transition approved, desert altimeter three zero zero one. the plane approaches... ...and flies by... ...and continues on course. tower six papa romeo, contact approach on one one eight point seven. six papa romeo one one eight seven good day. tower come baaaaack caption the loneliest controller pine for i got all these board games! 519519; we went too far caption 1989 giacomo, wearing a wifebeater and jams, with shades and a box-fade (and muttonchops, an interesting addition), stands nearby as ross, sporting whitesnake hair and a giant clock on a chain around his neck, speaks about the enormous contraption at center. ross check out my rad new electronic typewriter! you can revise what you write even before it types in onto paper--and then you can save it onto a disk! it's amazing. it's the only way i can work anymore. caption 2009 giacomo is now bald and wearing more normal clothing. ross now has short hair and wears a top hat. the enormous electronic typewriter is gone, replaced by a laptop on a small writing desk. ross i downloaded this app that shuts down my network connection, hides everything on my desktop, and disables every other program except for a bare-bones text editor. it's amazing. it's the only way i can work anymore. get better 2029 everyone is dead from brain tumors caused by comprehensive municipal wi-fi 520520; it's time to act all panels are letterboxed, as if on a movie or tv screen. donny it turns out that the global economic recession was caused by evil alien robots! frank you know what we have to do. donny (off camera) no! it's too dangerous! frank there's only one way to save the world. let's go punch 'em. until they blow up. title card appears. the foolproof solution to all of life's problems punching stuff until it blows up r/restricted let's get 'em the smoke clears. the economy is saved! roll credits 521521; a heroine scowls a lot all panels are letterboxed, as if on a movie or tv screen. donny last year, your brother sacrificed himself to save the planet. / thank god he was able to destroy the alien robots controlling our lending markets and restore the world to prosperity! a woman's silhouette. donny (off camera) but tara... they're back. tara then i've got no choice. tara shows her face heroically. tara i've got to punch these new robots until they blow up. / bring me my tightest clothes. title card. punching stuff until it blows up 2 strong female characters rating r / restricted hysterical action the bechdel test does she talk to another woman about something other than a man? yes she talks to the robot queen about explosions 522522; it never ends all panels are letterboxed, as if on a movie or tv screen. a man shields his face. robots! / ahhhhh!!! a woman's framed by a windowpane. wo sammy! / behind you! another thousand cgi robots! explosion badooom title card. punching 3 a different director and none of the original stars, but it's an easy cash-in for a $100 million opening weekend rating pg-13 keep it going punching 4 direct to dvd with foreign distro pre-sold contingent on dean cain's participation 523523; vince achieves victory vince dramatically sweeps the curtains aside and strikes a dramatic pose, wrench in hand, as loretta regards him, a bemused expression on her face. vince stand back! i am man! pulling in closer. vince there was a thing wrong with a mechanical thing in our life. i figured out the problem. closer still, now with a sunburst behind his head. vince and i fixed it. back to original angle. loretta you replaced a washer in the kitchen faucet. vince it required a wrench. get to work i nearly even broke a sweat 524524; it's just that simple delores tell me the invention again. juanita burrito tape. juanita strips of tortilla coated with a light flour paste. dispensed on a roll. you use it to hold bulging burritos closed, and repair tears and leaks in your burrito. delores is this a restaurant product, or a consumer product, or... juanita you eat it! someone do this keep a roll in the kitchen! one in your purse! even one in the glove compartment. burrito tape is the only tortilla-repair apparatus you need. 525525; howard misses the point eustace what happened between you and howard? evan howard? nothing. he wanted to borrow my car, i told him no. eustace oh. well, according to his blog, he was really offended by the way you "talked down to him." evan talked down to-- evan and howard, later. evan listen, if we have a problem tell me to my face! i don't want to hear about it thirdhand! okay? howard okay. evan okay? howard okay! still later, howard bangs away on his difference engine, writing his blog. howard ...and really the point is that this blog is my private space and i should be free to say whatever i want! it's so rude of him to expect me to censor myself just to please his own insecurity. i certainly don't tell him how to conduct his affairs, and i can't see how it's unreasonable for me to expect the same simple courtesy. for... express yourself apparently we are beyond the point in human history when problems must be solved interpersonally. 526526; it hardly matters closeup of a crossword puzzle. 21 down and 39 across are incomplete, showing _ere__ and eae_ea, respectively. the clue for 21 down is "?? glorp." the clue for 39 across is "spda., e.g." xerxes studies the puzzle and clues long and hard. same as first panel, except the empty boxes are filled in with a q, and x and a z. 21 down is now qerexz and 39 across is now eaexea. do your best the worst part is that the solution doesn't make any more sense than that does. 527527; an impasse is reached her ...and for so long, you were perfect for one another. until one day it hits you between the day you met and today, you've changed as a person. you've grown. and they haven't. or at least not in the same way. her what do you do? what do you say? sher if the difference between you has grown that great, you need to be frank about it. for both your sakes. back home, herman has to crouch down low just to fit inside the living room. he towers over his sad-looking wife/girlfriend/partner. her this isn't working anymore. evolve into frankly, i don't know how we didn't see this coming. 528528; bonds persist torvald so how's it going with you and ben? angie oh, i don't know. we're taking a break, i guess. the little girl holding angie's hand has nothing to say. torvald hate to say it, but maybe it's for the best. angie yeah. torvald so, angie...do you want to...grab some coffee or something? angie ...sure. why not. elsewhere, ben sits up in bed, horrified. caption but ben and angie are still linked telepathically ben no no no no no no no stay connected no no no no yes yes yes wait no no no no no 529529; sylvia finds a project horace sylvia. listen. it won't be much longer now. when i die, you must rush immediately to the barn. find the box hidden beneath the fourteenth floorboard. horace burn it. do not open it. simply burn it. will you promise me this? sylvia (offpanel) to be honest, i...i'd rather not. sylvia instead, can i freeze it with liquid nitrogen, then drop it into a hot spring? or send it through an industrial metal shredder? or plate the box with cesium and toss it in the lake? horace it is a simple task! it need not be complicated with novelty! sylvia how sick are you? do i have time to get a pyro license? go all out i'm going to need eighteen pounds of c4, a thousand feet of wire, and a blimp. 530530; sylvia honors the aforementioned sylvia from strip #529, samantha and sidney on a train. samantha i can't believe grandpa asked you to burn some box he'd hidden. what do you think's in it? sidney it's prob'ly something senile. like toothpicks. or clams. samantha i bet it's saucy letters from his first true love, before he met nana. or spy documents he was never able to deliver to his true masters in north korea. sylvia maybe it's packed with an incense he picked up somewhere on his travels. lost in limbo after his death, he will seek out its fragrant smoke as it rises through the clouds as a pathway to follow toward heaven. later, they open the box. caption alas sylvia dangit. clams. take a peek i knew it 531531; an opportunity escapes dale is combing an elephant with a broom as walter watches from a nearby train. walter (pointing to the elephant) that part looks pretty uneven. the train starts to pull away. dale watches silently. the train moves a bit more. dale keeps watching. the train has moved enough that walter is no longer in the shot. dale is still silent. the train's gone. dale speaks to the elephant. dale your head's uneven, that's what i should have said. contribute stampy, you want to race a train? 532532; that returns -but we'll have to check on that at the warehouse. that's fine for now. when you get back to the office, just - hey hey stop that teddy roosevelt ruffff ryderzzz no get out of here go on. get! <> everybody clear the room immediately theodore roosevelt is terrorizing a factory. invade 533533; public opinion is leveraged michele do you have a second for the environment? maude uhh...erg...no clive a moment for dying children? maude n-no sorry benjy a petition to ban irritating street solicitors? maude absolutely! gimme that! where do i sign? clive how are you getting so many signatures for lobster rights? benjy it's all in the pitch baby. sign up for in her defense, the fine print is tiny and in zapf dingbats. 534534; the achilles body caption the adventures of the superhero whose left ear is bulletproof the swleib stop criminal! the cannon! eat lead, do-gooder! he fires a gun fully as tall as he is, with a barrel as thick as his leg. <> caption as he had only ever been shot before in the left ear he had no reason to believe his entire body wasn't bulletproof the swleib lies dead on the curb. strength comes from it wasn't 535535; rob is set straight rob ...and here we have our lovely and talented ladies, cindy and angie. later. angie hey, rob? look, i know you mean well, but the old lovely and talented but is kind of demeaning. you don't introduce the guys as handsome, you know? rob oh, sure, angie, no problem. sorry, i didn't realize. later still. rob ...and here we hae the lovely miss cindy and the, uh... ...smart miss angie. respect what's that, cindy? yes, i realize that you're smart, too, i'm very sorry. now please take my stapler out of your ear. 536536; sparky changes ownership barnes comes across foster, who is trapped beneath his fallen horse, sparky. barnes criminy, foster! took a bit of a tumble there, eh? foster it's fatal, barnes. fell on a jagged branch. tasting bark in my throat even now. i'm done for, old chum. foster but sparky's still got a life to live. take her away from this blasted place, will you? find her some pasture to roam... will you do it, barnes? will you adopt her for me? and feed her, and brush her, and tend to her costly, myriad and unusual medical needs? foster will you hand-mash her special imported oatmeal? rub her down each evening with a mitt hand-knit from the hairs of her own mane? tivo ice road truckers for her? foster will you dry her tears when lightning, tornadoes and sun frighten her? will you build the giant, climate-controlled barn she's alway wanted for all the stuffed animals she hopes to collect on all the travels you take together? foster will you knead her gums thrice daily? will you hire only the best equestrian-pilates trainers? and will you do the exercises with her so she doesn't get self-conscious? despite the fact that they are designed for a horse's body, not a man's? foster will you undergo catechism in her ancient religion? will you teach your children the spoken language of the mighty horse, so she is not the last conversationalist of her strange and lilting dialect? foster baarrnnnes---* later, barnes is spreading sauce over a horse-sized chunk of meat, roasting on a spit. take on i can't believe i have to cook sparky this massive dinner every night. 537537; james is always one step behind julius james, i need you to stay late and work on some massive, irrelevant project. james but my friends are waiting at the bar! julius if they are true friends, they will respect your industriousness and commitment. james they are not true friends. they are acquaintances i am trying to get in good with so they will recommend me for an opening at their company. a position which will be marginally less maddening than working for y-- james ...ah. i see. herb james just texted to say he has to work late. glenn what an industrious moron. work for can't argue with his commitment though. 538538; pipes continue to leak norville do you stock plumbing supplies? i need some 5/8" brass fittings. ashton oh, no! there's been a contamination scare on brass fittings! ashton everything's been quarantined! you don't have any in your house, do you? norville contamination-- that doesn't really make-- ashton brass has been reclassified a zone alpha deadly poison! don't move, you might be infected! ashton bring in the decontaminant scrub! seth enters and sprays norville with a substance from a tank carried on his back. <> norville this tastes like spray glue. ashton look out! norville is showered with sprockets. norville is now thoroughly covered with sprockets, thanks to the spray glue. ashton hahahaha! ashton you've ashton been ashton and two other men steampunk'd! norville stands there silently, still covered in sprockets. it's raining yo dawg i herd you like sprockets so i put sprockets in your sprockets so you can sprocket while you sprocket 539539; circumstances must be conquered mack and mabel, sitting forlornly in a room. mack okay, here's the plan. mack we'll fashion a rope ladder from your petticoat. weighted with stones, we'll throw it onto the roof and hook it over the ledge. he envisions mabel climbing said rope ladder. mack then, we'll pry off all the rain gutters, lashing them end-to-end with bits of the ladder using sticks as splints. while you erect the gutters like a flagpole, i'll place the other end in contact with the doorknob. he envisions himself working on the gutter-flagpole. he envisions lightning striking the makeshift lightning-rod. mack once lightning hits our rod, the charge will travel down the copper gutters, superheat the doorknob assembly, and momentarily soften the deadbolt enough for me to batter the door open. mabel or we could wait five more minutes for zach to arrive with our spare keys. mack that does not afford an opportunity for victory! plan it out if we had gotten onstar for the front door like i wanted, this wouldn't have happened. 540540; love is unrequited a large, bearded man is approached by a small, armored elephant carrying a howdah with four passengers. perched on the elephant's trunk is a small woman (about two heads tall in relation to the man), proportionate to the men in the howdah. kathleen antonio! antonio kathleen. kathleen i am back in town for a little bit. antonio a very little bit, it seems. kathleen antonio. papi. why do you have to be this way? why can't we just be good to one another? antonio i don't know--maybe because you've never been able to convince me that you're not just a sick elephant with a very lifelike puppet? kathleen ...if this were somehow true, could you maybe love me then? antonio no! i'm thirty squirrels in a man suit myself! elephant oh shoot man we gotta go on the road together do the voice of i don't know why antonio thought that confession would make him less alluring. 541541; i thought of it first josh i got a great idea for a product. it's perfect, it fills a needs, solves a common problem. tad but you have absolutely no engineering knowhow, seed capital, or business acumen whatsoever! josh absolutely none. in fact, less than none, considering what information i do have is irrevocably flawed. josh so what do i do with my idea? i mean, it is so great! how do i cash in without having to do anything hard? tad if there's really nothing you can do with it yourself, you have three options. you can turn it over to the world, to someone who can do something with it. you can cling to it, and nine years from now when somebody else comes up with it independently, moan that it was your idea. or, you can write a letter to the president of inventions explaining your idea, and he'll send you a form to fill out with a check to follow. caption nine years later offpanel voice ...have developed a way to reprocess cow methane into jet fuel. josh that was my frikkin idea tad man, everybody picks option two. come up with writing to the president of inventions is like writing to santa claus, except that the president of inventions is a notorious intellectual-property thief and santa claus is imaginary. 542542; much to look forward to caption things we'll have to explain to our grandchildren jason we used to have only one telephone per household, not per cerebral hemisphere! morgan there used to be a thing called privacy! morgan is looking through a camera as his granddaughter watches. jasper the internet was once made of computers, not goats lashed together with fiber-optic cables and set adrift in the oceans! klexbart grandma you crazy caption things our grandchildren will have to explain to us mykelle, aka mizike but everybody's getting their skull drilled out and filled with expansion foam! it means you're not a dweeborg! 543543; it's hot two men are lounging about in chairs, a man in the background is pouring tea man 1 it is so hot. man 2 super hot. man 1 hotter than hot. man 2 hotter than a hot day in hot-town. man 1 hotter than two hotties in a hot tub. man 2 hotter than your mom. man 1 they're inventing new words for how hot it is. man 1 hozzentozzical. man 1 hotperlative. man 1 hottttt with five t's. man 2 they're inventing new forms of life so somebody will be able to properly experience the incendiary fullness of this heat. man 1 they're creating a new scale to measure temperature that takes into account human misery. man 2 they're launching missiles at the sun in angry retaliation. tea-pouring they're...relabeling hot dogs as mild dogs, now that the bar has been reset. man 2 kevin, stop helping. shine down on we are doing fine by ourselves thank you and pour the tea 544544; jake gets a leg up jake check out my new invention! the skate oar! he's riding a skateboard and pushing himself along with a prosthetic leg on the end of a pole. jake great for movin' around town! great for goin' wherever you got to go! bill where in the world did you get that? unnoticed by bill is a one-legged man, hopping frantically from the same direction jake came. hop over to this is not really a business venture that scales 545545; it keeps going #545; it keeps going a king and woman, among several other bystanders, are gathered around a set of stairs, upon which an older man is cowering in fear behind a set of curtains, which the woman has pulled back. king arch-fiend jonas! king the bylaws of our experimental agrarian city-state expressly prohibit mischievous tampering with the natural order of living things! old bah! you cretins! there is no natural order! all is bathed in chaos from the first day of creation till the last! woman silence! this tribunal will not hear impudence! old you'll not hear much of anything once my cynthia finishes initiating her binary defense protocols! king so the criminal even admits his heinous offense! king wha- king what in the name of gorax an odd-looking pair of pincers peeks out from behind the curtains. old cynthia! old this is them! the bad people i programmed you to kill! cynthia makes her way in front of the old man to defend him. old cynthia cynthia (said mechanically) fweep? old cynthia, my sweet child-creature old execute command sequence j-w-6 the panel zooms out to reveal several people sitting in a theater, of which two women are the focus, watching the previous scenes from a movie or play. cynthia is seen burning people in the background. <> bystander (said as if dying) my skiiinnn woman 1 next time, i pick the show. woman 2 well, the book was good. come see in the book you get all of cynthia's internal monologue. 546546; captain pike's final wish talosian ...it was thought the fiction of a court-martial would prevent you from too soon regaining control of your vessel. talosian captain pike is welcome to spend the rest of his life with us, unfettered by his physical body. talosian the decision is yours. and his. captain kirk chris... captain kirk do you want to go there? light on captain pike's wheelchair flashes once captain kirk see him off. spock thank you, sir. for both of us. a healthy and able captain pike thunders through the forest on a piranhamoose send yourself to awesome 547547; the species is bettered chuck sometimes it feels impossible to do anything healthy. like there's no way a society as complex and populous as ours can function at scale without inevitably filling our bodies and lives with cancer-causing pollutants. bob cancer's the prize, man. you made it. nothing else killed you. chuck but everything today is so aberrant. our food has no nutrition. our kids are hyperallergic. everyone's on psychiatric drugs. bob yet somehow we manage the longest life expectancy in human history. chuck a long life of what? diabetes? wasting away to nothing as modern medicine pumps morphine into an ever-hollowing shell of what once was my life? bob you're right. sign me up for smallpox instead. all-natural over the generations to come, some of us will die. others of us will evolve into plastics. 548548; walter takes a supplement nelson passes a large woman in the street. nelson hey fatty, watch where you're going! don't make me make you cry mayonnaise! mabel why would you say something so mean? nelson i have a nutritional deficiency. i must supplement my diet with a rare mineral found only in human suffering. mabel oh, please. don't elevate a garden-variety social disorder into a medical-- nelson (interrupting and looking the other way) hey scrooge mcdork! nothing in your life will turn out as well as you think it ought to! nelson leaps onto a passerby and starts sucking on the man's head. <> pounce on the more you struggle the sweeter it gets 549549; the route must be perfect angie are you ready to go yet? brad (staring at a map with a route marked on it) almost done mapping the route. brad the sticking point is the stupid pet store. to hit both it and the bank, we'll have to double back to lincoln boulevard. that's like ten, fifteen minutes wasted. angie fifteen minutes wasted. brad if i can't figure a way around it, yeah. angie you've been working at it for forty-five minutes. brad shhhhh. how to get to let me do this. 550550; salvation is summoned ralph is piloting his spiffy steam-powered car. ralph gaahh! i hate parking! sign no parking residential permit excepted commercial permit excepted diplomatic permit excepted disabled placard excepted vigilante hero placard excepted sign no parking during street cleaning monday 5am-11pm tuesday 5am-11pm wednesday 5am-11pm thursday 5am-11pm friday 5am-11pm saturday 5am-11pm sunday 5am-11pm the street is really dirty okay sign no parking everyone except guys with moustaches excepted (ralph has a moustache) ralph gaahhh!! how would they even know? a large touring car is parked so that it takes up two spaces at the curb. ralph is irritated to see this. fortunately, he has a nice bakelite cell phone in his steam-powered car. ralph hey, mike? remember the time i saved you from that snakebite? ...i need a favor. ralph glares at the parked car. a shadow falls over him. he looks up. a truly spectacular steam helicopter has descended. mike is the pilot. mike lowers a claw from the helicopter as he hovers above the parked car. the claw grabs the car and lifts it... and sets it down so it's touching the car behind it, leaving a space large enough for another car in front of it. his job done, mike flies off into the sunset. ralph watches him fly off and a single tear trickles down his cheek. fit just right this is sufficient to qualify for the vigilante hero placard. 551551; a tale is recounted for posterity a young woman, barbara, is seated with her grandpa barbara okay grandpa, just tell me as much as you can remember. grandpa about what in partickler barbara you know, your life. family history. i want to get it all on record. grandpa what is the aim of this record barbara for... for history. for future generations. so i can share it with my grandkids someday. grandpa you fixin to mark this in history for all time forever? barbara hopefully! grandpa all right, then set this down i live with a woman name of mabel herschfeld who is a type of creature to eat the last piece of carrot stick and put the empty bag back in the icebox. this speaks of some manner of *deficit*. mabel herschfeld enters from the right. mabel herschfeld barbara dear, am i going to have a chance to contribute to your record as well? grandpa it's too late! the account that comes first is *trusted*. the story of the final published account of the carrots-in-the-icebox incident reads like rashomon. 552552; back when all seemed bright man 1 heh, look at this old report card. 'bright but needs to focus. 'if he spent as much time studying as he does drawing rocketships in class, he will go far. 'a lot of potential.' man 2 well we all had a lot of potential, didn't we. did you ever roll over into actual? man 1 i don't know, man! i don't get report cards anymore. bumper sticker on car i was an honor student. i don't know what happened. a for effort 'if he would just stop inventing things he may yet grow up to be successful' 553553; a study is stymied all right, let's see how you taste. woman you been eating some pretty weird stuff lately. you on that bronze age diet? nah, i'm part of a survey group. bunch of scientists track what i eat for a couple years. then they put all the data together and say "ten percent of the coffee drinkers contracted cancer" or whatever. woman trying to find what contributes to illnesses. yeah. but i couldn't take it. every time i had a snickers i'd think, "is this it? is this the one that gives me leukemia?" so i got a new idea. i'm planning to die of some super-rare disease -- like, so rare they name it after me. and i'm also gonna eat the stupidest stuff i can find. that way i leave the scientists scratching their heads - "well, he ate twenty pounds of cucumbers every day for ten years, then died of this previously unknown liver disease." eat that, scientists! metaphorically, of course. woman well, it's good to have goals! ten years later doctor you have terminal prostate cancer. boo-rrring take note of supposedly the cucumber is the only food that contains every necessary nutrient, albeit in trace amounts for some. so if you're going to restrict yourself to a single food, twenty pounds of cucumbers is a reasonably smart choice. 554554; the fiction generator. the electro-plasmic hydrocephalic genre-fiction generator 2000 "the best of its type." start. in a (n) { neo-noir, alternate-history, ancient, post-apocalyptic, dystopian, vr-simulated, metaphorical, anachronistic, leather-clad, coal-powered, dragon-filled, shrill | america, japan, soviet russia, victorian britain, medieval europe, aztec empire, atlantis, terraformed mars, antarctica, one-way spaceflight, outer rim world, set from road warrior, a young { flying message courier, student of metaphysics, milquetoast office drone, schlub with mild ocd, farm boy with dreams, techno-obsessed geek, brooding loner, wise-cracking mercenary, idealistic revolutionary, journeyman inventor, collector of oddities, author self-insert stumbles across a(n) { magic diadem, arcane prophecy, dusty tome, crazy old man, alien artifact, enchanted sword, otherworldly portal, dream-inducing drug, encrypted data feed, time-traveling soldier, exiled angel, talking fish which spurs him into conflict with { a megalomaniacal dictator, a government conspiracy, a profit-obsessed corporation, a sneering wizard, supernatural monsters, computer viruses made real, murderous robots, an army led by a sadist, forces that encourage conformity, a charismatic politician on the rise, humanity's selfish nature, his own insecurity vis-a-vis girls with the help of a { sarcastic female techno-geek, tomboyish female mechanic, shape-shifting female assassin, leather-clad female in shades, girl who's always loved him, bookish female scholar with mousy brown hair, cherubic girl with pigtails and spunk, female who inexplicably becomes attracted to the damaged protagonist for unstated reasons and her { wacky pet, welding gear, closet full of assault rifles, reference book, cleavage, facility with magic, condescending tone, discomfort in formal wear, propensity for being captured, culminating in { a fistfight atop a tower, a daring rescue preceding a giant explosion, a heroic sacrifice that no one will ever remember, a philosophical argument punctuated by violence, a false victory with the promise of future danger, the invocation of a spell at the last possible moment, eternal love professed without irony, the land restored to health, authorial preaching through the mouths of the characters, convoluted nonsense that squanders the readers' goodwill, wish-fulfillment solutions to real-world problems, a cliffhanger for the sake of prompting a series. your title is "the { chrono, neuro, aero, cosmo, reve, necro, cyber, astro, psycho, steam, meta, black | punk, mech, noiac, (o)poli, naut, phage, droid, bot, blade, tron, mancer, war} s." ~ finished. tall tales the generator weighs four thousand pounds and writes six hundred books a year. 555555; a tool is improved hubert behold my invention! hermes you cannot call a plunger that you bought an "invention." hubert i have modified it slightly! hermes oh, you always do! hermes let me guess. you bought an angle vise and some torx screws and a twenty-piece dremel kit. a jeweler's hammer, a magnifying work lamp and digital calipers in a leather case. and you set to work. hermes should i applaud your aimless tinkering? what problem did you solve? how is the world better off now that you've unleashed yourself upon a perfectly good plunger? hubert has stuck the plunger on hermes' face. hermes ...modified it slightly, you say? hubert filled it with glue! make use of to be fair, most of his projects don't get quite this advanced. 556556; it's hard to tell two men are sitting together on a bench, talking to each other. man #1 ...and that's why in fifty years we'll all be eating our dead. man #2 thank you! it's fascinating hearing you ramble passionately yet only half-coherently about something you read online somewhere. man #1 are you being sarcastic? man #2 no. not in the least. man #1 ...was that also sarcastic? man #2 totally serious. one hundred percent. man #1 that was clearly sarcastic. man #1 say something else. man #2 man, i just love talking to you! oh, great. i can't wait to hear what you half-remembered the confusing details of next. 557557; the masters of tea hazel how's the tea? baxter it's, ehrm lipton, is it? hazel well, of course! the world's leading tea brand. is something wrong with it? if so, i'd like to know. baxter to those of us that know tea, lipton is a pretty bad tea. hazel you know tea. baxter a bit hazel bitch, lipton knows tea. do you own tea estates in kenya and tanzania? do you invest millions every year in tea research? do you attract tea experts from around the world to work for you? if anyone, anywhere knows tea, lipton knows tea. lipton logo. lipton we know tea we just don't use any of that knowledge in its manufacture. brew up some we amass information mainly to keep it from our competitors. 558558; a camel is merely ordinary iqbal hello sir for order a camel? reginald capital! thank you! just one question before i set off. how high can this beast fly? are we talking mountain-vaulting altitudes or is it more a graze-the-steeples type of affair? iqbal fly? reginald you know, soar. flappity-flap like a bird, or however it does it. i admit to being a bit foggy on the kinesiology. iqbal this camel is never fly. can not even jump good. reginald ah. i see. the brochure was misleading. very well. how deep can it dive? and will i breathe inside the hump, or...? iqbal no! not for swim! this camel is drowning if you swim. weak legs! you lose your deposit! reginald pogo, then. can the camel pogo. iqbal po- pogo, sir? reginald you know! sproing sproing hoppity-hop! can the camel pogo! iqbal sir this camel is totally incapable of any pogo. its feet is never fit on a human pogo, and quadruped camel pogos is a thing science does not invented yet. reginald hang it all! then what is this blasted camel good for? camel (thinking) geez that's what i'm starting to wonder. a fully-featured we put temporary authorization on your credit card in case camel comes back drowned 559559; the prevalence of internal logic a man and his cat are found outside in a park, the man talking to his cat cat! what are you doing! you have been freaking out all day! cat <> i know. your process makes perfect sense to you. but to the rest of us, you are insane. cat <> where are your decisions coming from? what bizarre conception of the world must occupy your little cat brain, for you to make the decisions that you do? cat <> the scene backs out to a view of the world from outer space and there is seen a king watching over the world king ...i mean, don't get me wrong, it's fascinating to watch, but what is going on in there? watch over all together now 'bwyaaiooow' 560560; a diversion fails to impress skippy is balancing a barrel on his nose. seamus is ignoring him. skippy hey. hey check it out. seamus no. i do not trust your taste in "things deserving of note." skippy but this is great. this is awesome. seamus i fear our relative bars for greatness rest at wildly different heights. skippy now stands on his head while juggling the barrel with his feet. skippy man i'm goin' nuts over here. i'm talking world-class performance. seamus your assessment smacks of bias. thus undermining your credibility further. another boy has now vaulted atop the barrel. skippy wowzers. by not turning your neck six inches you are missing something remarkable. seamus i highly doubt you are reading umberto eco. carefully consider haha he wrote the secret right 561561; full price is begrudgingly paid sam ready for your tab? norm yeah. you, uh, do any discounts? sam discounts. norm you know. like student discounts. sam no. cliff how about military discounts? sam what branch of the service are you in? cliff uhhm my uncle used to be a civilian contractor? 'course that was for the red army in belarus still, it was an army. norm don't listen to him. we're seniors. senior citizens. sam guys, i own this bar. discounts come directly out of my profits. are you really so cheap that you'd go out of your way to deprive me of a fair wage? norm we're just saying discounts are a good way to build customer loyalty and encourage repeat business. sam don't you dare threaten me come back to wondermark. com i hear the rival bar across the street offers a crazy discount if you stand in front of their door shouting at passersby with a megaphone. 562562; inutility of a jingle francine (singing) l.j. snow, the ford man he's your friendly ford deeealer interstate 10 at the pepper offramp... martha (joining in) ...l.j. snow for trucks! francine and martha (in chorus) snow's the place to go! martha isn't it weird how car-dealership jingles are implanted more firmly than pretty much anything else we learned as a child? francine and they always include the location. no other jingle tells you where to physically go and get the product. it's an odd thing to emphasize. are we expected to just head over and start browsing? martha right. nowadays everyone researches every purchase obsessively online. francine (sings) jim miller's discount isuzu! check us ooout on yelp. recite i guarantee i will never buy a car from the cerritos auto center but boy can i give you some snappy directions to it 563563; old-country grandparents caption old-country grandparents a stern-faced old man sits on some steps. his son arrives. james grandpa! i thought you were watching the baby. miroslav is okay! goat is watching baby. inside, a goat is watching as the baby drinks beer from a huge mug. back outside. miroslav don't worry. goat is firm but fair. leave it with 'old country' is defined as 'anyplace where there is a goat in the kitchen' 564564; a career takes a turn a photographer is taking pictures of a dog perched on a fainting couch. matthew that's it. that's perfect, baby, perfect. you're a natural. i love it. you're gonna be huge in modeling! everyone will want a piece of the new dog on the scene! rags (the dog) but... *sigh* you're still sending out my headshot for dramatic roles, right? i mean, i came out here to be a serious actor. matthew baby. sweetie. let me tell you something! let me tell you a secret of show business! when you are in the middle of a cover shoot for vogue magazine you do not talk too loud about switching your career focus! rags you're right. okay. this isn't where i thought i'd end up, but a lot of new doors are opening and i can ride this wave wherever it takes me! cover of vogue. the headline is look how stupid this dog looks. pose for anna wintour templed her perfect fingers. 'now,' she hissed, 'we wait.' 565565; communication is vital julio ...and another thing! i hate how mary always nags me me to wax my head before church! i'm all like, 'sweetie. wax is expensive. it's a recession." and she's just all 'it's church.' / she just wants those ladies to see we can afford superfluous stuff like head-wax. but we cannot. sam uh. maybe you shouldn't talk about that right this second. / julio oh jeez! is she right behind me? how embarrassing! sam no, you're just making me uncomfortable. you and mary are both my friends and i don't know how you expect me to respond here. / julio well, figure it out now, i'll be doing the whole bit again right as she gets home. overhear / what's that dear? oh, nothing - just telling sam about some new wax i picked up today. it - it was on sale, so don't, uh, don't...don't worry about it. 566566; supernatural collective nouns. the stoakes-whibley natural index of supernatural collective nouns. "for holiday or every day" spectral class an academy of apparitions. a racket of banshees. a congress of ghosts. a shroud of ghouls. a rumpus of phantoms. a blanket of poltergeist. a penumbra of spirits. a mystery of spooks. a degradation of wraiths. demon class a legion of demons. a bombast of devils. a chimney of djinns. a storm of ifrits. a party of incubi. a ruin of kobolds. an honor of mandrakes. a murmur of the possessed. an opulence of succubi. a rustle of reapers. elven class. a solace of babas yaga. a hustle of brownies. a brace of dryads. a knot of dwarves. a drove of elves. a tizzy of fairies. a lawn of gnomes. an indulgence of leprechauns. a swell of naiads. a delectation of nymphs. a pleasure of pixies. a sleigh of santas claus. a resolution of sprites. heavenly class. a host of angels. an archhost of archangels. a compass of cherubim. a pantheon of gods. a semitheon of demigods. a baleful of martyrs. a rapture of messiahs. a persuasion of prophets. a caucus of shamans. a glory of seraphim. a majesty of titans. a cavalry of valkyries. human class. a clamor of clones. a harmony of homunculi. a jake of jedi. a gossip of mermaids. a bureau of mole men. a caper of mutants. a league of superheroes. a coven of witches. a coventry of warlocks. a fellowship of wizards. mechanical class. a nervousness of ais. a yard-sale of androids. a bank of automatons. a skynet of cyborgs. a squadron of drones. a swarm of nanites. a fleet of probes. a clangor of robots. a harem of sexbots. a culture of viruses. monster class. a spectacle of behemoths. a ruminance of bigfeet. a scamper of bogeymen. a prominence of bugbears. a bedevilment of bunyips. a clubbing of chupacabra. a doubting of cyclopes. an audacity of gargoyles. a percussion of giants. a malignity of goblins. a tangle of gorgons. a devilry of gremlins. a clamor of harpies. a rally of hobgoblins. a warfare of hydra. an assault of jersey devils. a continent of leviathans. a lamentation of morlocks. a tromp of nephilim. a torment of ogres. a rage of orcs. a malevolence of trolls. psychotic class. a quiver of geniuses. a cackle of mad scientists. a band of murderers. a sling of psychopaths. a choir of serial-killers. a cell of terrorists. an industry of villains. foreign class. a pension of aliens. a district of prawns. a tournament of predators. wildlife class. a tackle of basilisks. an eminence of centaurs. a braid of chimer?. a cabal of cockatrices. a supremacy of dinosaurs. a dignity of dragons. a lodge of fauns. a senate of griffins. a fulsome of hippogriffs. a dastardly of manticores. a snarl of minotaurs. a prize of nessies. a conservatory of phoenices. a yearning of sasquatches. a finery of sphinxes. a fondle of unicorns. a lunacy of werewolves. a poachment of wyverns. a flurry of yeti. undead class. a liberty of mummies. a craving of golems. a prominence of dhampirs. a depravity of revenants. a drudge of skeletons. a basement of vampires. an exigency of wendigoes. a vexation of zombies. irregular a duty of frankenstein?s monsters. an itself of yahwehs. the borg. a website of a wall of text 566566; supernatural collective nouns. the stoakes-whibley natural index of supernatural collective nouns. "for holiday or every day" spectral class an academy of apparitions. a racket of banshees. a congress of ghosts. a shroud of ghouls. a rumpus of phantoms. a blanket of poltergeist. a penumbra of spirits. a mystery of spooks. a degradation of wraiths. demon class a legion of demons. a bombast of devils. a chimney of djinns. a storm of ifrits. a party of incubi. a ruin of kobolds. an honor of mandrakes. a murmur of the possessed. an opulence of succubi. a rustle of reapers. elven class. a solace of babas yaga. a hustle of brownies. a brace of dryads. a knot of dwarves. a drove of elves. a tizzy of fairies. a lawn of gnomes. an indulgence of leprechauns. a swell of naiads. a delectation of nymphs. a pleasure of pixies. a sleigh of santas claus. a resolution of sprites. heavenly class. a host of angels. an archhost of archangels. a compass of cherubim. a pantheon of gods. a semitheon of demigods. a baleful of martyrs. a rapture of messiahs. a persuasion of prophets. a caucus of shamans. a glory of seraphim. a majesty of titans. a cavalry of valkyries. human class. a clamor of clones. a harmony of homunculi. a jake of jedi. a gossip of mermaids. a bureau of mole men. a caper of mutants. a league of superheroes. a coven of witches. a coventry of warlocks. a fellowship of wizards. mechanical class. a nervousness of ais. a yard-sale of androids. a bank of automatons. a skynet of cyborgs. a squadron of drones. a swarm of nanites. a fleet of probes. a clangor of robots. a harem of sexbots. a culture of viruses. monster class. a spectacle of behemoths. a ruminance of bigfeet. a scamper of bogeymen. a prominence of bugbears. a bedevilment of bunyips. a clubbing of chupacabra. a doubting of cyclopes. an audacity of gargoyles. a percussion of giants. a malignity of goblins. a tangle of gorgons. a devilry of gremlins. a clamor of harpies. a rally of hobgoblins. a warfare of hydra. an assault of jersey devils. a continent of leviathans. a lamentation of morlocks. a tromp of nephilim. a torment of ogres. a rage of orcs. a malevolence of trolls. psychotic class. a quiver of geniuses. a cackle of mad scientists. a band of murderers. a sling of psychopaths. a choir of serial-killers. a cell of terrorists. an industry of villains. foreign class. a pension of aliens. a district of prawns. a tournament of predators. wildlife class. a tackle of basilisks. an eminence of centaurs. a braid of chimer?. a cabal of cockatrices. a supremacy of dinosaurs. a dignity of dragons. a lodge of fauns. a senate of griffins. a fulsome of hippogriffs. a dastardly of manticores. a snarl of minotaurs. a prize of nessies. a conservatory of phoenices. a yearning of sasquatches. a finery of sphinxes. a fondle of unicorns. a lunacy of werewolves. a poachment of wyverns. a flurry of yeti. undead class. a liberty of mummies. a craving of golems. a prominence of dhampirs. a depravity of revenants. a drudge of skeletons. a basement of vampires. an exigency of wendigoes. a vexation of zombies. irregular a duty of frankenstein?s monsters. an itself of yahwehs. the borg. a website of a wall of text 566566; supernatural collective nouns. the stoakes-whibley natural index of supernatural collective nouns. "for holiday or every day" spectral class an academy of apparitions. a racket of banshees. a congress of ghosts. a shroud of ghouls. a rumpus of phantoms. a blanket of poltergeist. a penumbra of spirits. a mystery of spooks. a degradation of wraiths. demon class a legion of demons. a bombast of devils. a chimney of djinns. a storm of ifrits. a party of incubi. a ruin of kobolds. an honor of mandrakes. a murmur of the possessed. an opulence of succubi. a rustle of reapers. elven class. a solace of babas yaga. a hustle of brownies. a brace of dryads. a knot of dwarves. a drove of elves. a tizzy of fairies. a lawn of gnomes. an indulgence of leprechauns. a swell of naiads. a delectation of nymphs. a pleasure of pixies. a sleigh of santas claus. a resolution of sprites. heavenly class. a host of angels. an archhost of archangels. a compass of cherubim. a pantheon of gods. a semitheon of demigods. a baleful of martyrs. a rapture of messiahs. a persuasion of prophets. a caucus of shamans. a glory of seraphim. a majesty of titans. a cavalry of valkyries. human class. a clamor of clones. a harmony of homunculi. a jake of jedi. a gossip of mermaids. a bureau of mole men. a caper of mutants. a league of superheroes. a coven of witches. a coventry of warlocks. a fellowship of wizards. mechanical class. a nervousness of ais. a yard-sale of androids. a bank of automatons. a skynet of cyborgs. a squadron of drones. a swarm of nanites. a fleet of probes. a clangor of robots. a harem of sexbots. a culture of viruses. monster class. a spectacle of behemoths. a ruminance of bigfeet. a scamper of bogeymen. a prominence of bugbears. a bedevilment of bunyips. a clubbing of chupacabra. a doubting of cyclopes. an audacity of gargoyles. a percussion of giants. a malignity of goblins. a tangle of gorgons. a devilry of gremlins. a clamor of harpies. a rally of hobgoblins. a warfare of hydra. an assault of jersey devils. a continent of leviathans. a lamentation of morlocks. a tromp of nephilim. a torment of ogres. a rage of orcs. a malevolence of trolls. psychotic class. a quiver of geniuses. a cackle of mad scientists. a band of murderers. a sling of psychopaths. a choir of serial-killers. a cell of terrorists. an industry of villains. foreign class. a pension of aliens. a district of prawns. a tournament of predators. wildlife class. a tackle of basilisks. an eminence of centaurs. a braid of chimer?. a cabal of cockatrices. a supremacy of dinosaurs. a dignity of dragons. a lodge of fauns. a senate of griffins. a fulsome of hippogriffs. a dastardly of manticores. a snarl of minotaurs. a prize of nessies. a conservatory of phoenices. a yearning of sasquatches. a finery of sphinxes. a fondle of unicorns. a lunacy of werewolves. a poachment of wyverns. a flurry of yeti. undead class. a liberty of mummies. a craving of golems. a prominence of dhampirs. a depravity of revenants. a drudge of skeletons. a basement of vampires. an exigency of wendigoes. a vexation of zombies. irregular a duty of frankenstein?s monsters. an itself of yahwehs. the borg. a website of a wall of text 567567; o selfless saviors a group of businessmen are having a meeting. the fellow running the meeting is offpanel. let's call him chester. chester congratulations, gentlemen! another halloween passed without incident. no children were poisoned by homemade cookies laced with strychnine. same as first panel, but slightly closer. chester no rosy little cheeks were slashed by razor-laden apples. this year, like every other year, all the treats consumed were safe. same as first and second, but closer. chester thank heavens our shrill, insistent warnings were heeded! our paranoia-inducing hypervigilance has once again saved a generation of children from certain harm. and we do this gladly. chester stands in front of a chart with a thin-lipped smile on his face. chester after all, children are our future! the chart is titled packaged candy sales and shows a sharp increase for the month of october. save teach them well, and let them lead the way along the path we have clearly outlined for them with $18.99 reflective tape. 568568; susie does not learn miss butterbean susie? where's your essay? susie a piranhamoose ate my homework. miss butterbean a piranhamoose? wherever did you run into a piranhamoose? they're endangered, you know. susie my dad has one. he keeps it in the cellar. miss butterbean if that's true, that's a very serious federal crime. are you prepared for me to report your dad to the epa? susie yes! please! it's big and smelly and its poops are like wheelbarrow tires. i've tried to call myself, but i'm, y'know, seven. silent panel as miss butterbean considers this. later, a policeman takes susie's dad away. susie's dad susie you fool! we could have eaten that thing for a year! face off with will susie become a ward of the state? or of the piranhamoose? 569569; bees converse clara rushes into george's laboratory. / clara george! come quick! george the interpreter? / clara it's working! exterior george and clara rush past. interior george and clara peer at a device. closeup bees dance on a honeycomb. george watches another device spit out a tickertape. george and clara with looks of alarm. closeup the tape reads ...almost burst out laughing. her thorax looked so fat. she cannot get away with wearing that..at her si... decipher / i don't know who she thinks she's fooling but those spiracles are not real. 570570; a sneak attack gwendoline is concentrating on something. hector leans into the panel. hector creeps up behind her and nuzzles her shoulder. she is unfazed. gwendoline eek! a vampire! hector <> gwendoline's eyes get really big. gwendoline zerbert vampire! hector (now offpanel) heh heh heh sneak up on zerbert zombie is even worse 571571; the battle of birdy wills sidney sits on an overturned rowboat. a large seabird stands before him. sidney go away bird. i don' got no biscuits, no bread, no smiles even. don' need another desperate stare in my life neither. sidney why you standing there? i don' got nothing i can give you that you gonna want. don't look at me like that! you gonna trigger a thing insideways that's been doing just fine shielded by the gut layer! bird! you--you better know you are playing with fire, bird! now you look away! now you leave me be! sidney aaahh your constant, belittling gaze turns my venoms backward! so much self-conscious that it cracks my stoic facade! you win, bird! you win! i am a sadly man! nothing i do is ever for success! bird (thinking) apparently including feeding the dang birds. fixate on the bird was hoping for a little piece of crouton or something, but absent that, will happily take that hat. 572572; it moves even now sergei are you enjoying that sandwich, boy? consider this! that sandwich will traverse about 20 feet of intestines over the next few hours! sergei that means it's moving! all afternoon, while you walk, talk, and play games, a wet glob of sandwich will be crawling through your guts! petey i guess, but traveling 20 feet over an afternoon is hardly notable. that's like .0001 miles per hour or something. sergei ah, but speed is relative! it depends on the observer! it may be .0001 miles per hour to you, but to me, watching you jog by, your sandwich is traveling at 6.0001 miles per hour! petey who in the world is going to be observing my digestion? caption earlier sergei, on horseback, is watching something through binoculars. slide through look at it go! 573573; one too few sandra has collapsed. gregory sandra! what's the matter? sandra oh, the world, the world, the world! society is slowly folding in upon itself and smothering those of us foolish enough to have taken solace beneath its comfortable drape! sandra whatever shall we do? how will we survive? how can we ever consider bringing children into this world? gregory we'll manage! our children will grow up native to the changed civilization to come. they will escort us gracefully to the final death of all that we understand. sandra gregory. my darling. i--i fear i will not birth robust children. what if they come out strange? what if they have two heads? how will any of us fare? gregory shhhhh, now. we will always find a way. if they have two heads, we will simply sell them to the circus. sandra gregory i have already checked. the circuses are up to a three-head minimum. adapt to soon 'hold still, both of you. that cantaloupe is only secured on there with tape.' 574574; there must be rules brigham oh, man. too much thanksgiving turkey. about to fall into a tryptophan coma! sgt. mitchell enters, hands brigham a slip of paper. brigham what's this? mitchell you get one written warning. brigham about...? mitchell the staleness of your wisecracks. brigham wh--what am i being warned will happen? mitchell this is our humor enforcement agent, officer snapwelter. snapwelter is a squid, wearing a policeman's helmet and sitting in a metal canister in a wheeled wicker carriage. brigham watches mitchell leave, looking away from snapwelter. brigham hey, if you're so worried about stuff being stale, you need to look into uncle bob's fruitcake! tentacles reach for him as he speaks. in accordance with hey, bob, that fruitcake was great!! as a doorstop!!! 575575; it's finally time sandra edward hasn't come home. he went for a walk before supper and hasn't returned. jordan maybe he got delayed. lost his hat or something. sandra no. tighter on sandra. sandra i've sensed it coming for years. you know? one day he simply ceased to be the same man i married. and since then he's just been biding his time. tighter on sandra, who is now scowling and brandishing a rifle. sandra he got called home by his alien masters, jordan. and they know i know about it. they will send an assassin clone in his place. and i will be ready for that monster. caption meanwhile edward stands outside the gate to a pasture, shaking his fist impotently at a bull who has his hat impaled on one horn. edward that is my hat. lie in wait for i get the impression that sandra is just looking for an excuse. 576576; treasure is safe guard halt! what's the password? mickey (holding a big bag) um 'password' guard what? no. mickey '123456?' wait 'letmein.' mickey 'admin123.' 'qwerty.' '12345678.' guard this is the royal jewel vault, not your neighbor's wireless internet. mickey well so how many guesses do i get? free access to will you give me a hint if i tell you the street i grew up on 577577; children are a weapon maggie honey, we have to teach the baby portuguese. john dare i ask why? / maggie i was just thinking...the millie spangler type is big into teaching babies mandarin, so they can compete in the future global economy. maggie so...in twenty years the chinese business world will be flooded with these kids! if we want to stay one step ahead, we have to get billy in good stead for the next big powerhouse. brazil. / john "one step ahead?" you mean, if we want to one-up millie spangler. / maggie she's beat us on homebirth. she's beat us on preschool. john. this is our only chance. later maggie millie! how are you? how's the baby? / millie just wonderful! we've been teaching him lingala, so he'll be uniquely qualified to do humanitarian work in the congo. / maggie but... / millie check and mate jump ahead it's okay. we still have time to ensure that billy becomes a world-class cellist. i don't care that this is hardly a sustainable career it sounds important 578578; recovery is not rapid mrs. detwiler lies on a bed; jeb stands over here with a crosscut saw. / jeb how are you feeling, mrs. detwiler? / i'm just heading over to review your x-rays. we'll start surgery in about an hour...is something the matter? mrs. detwiler it's...it's just...ah / jeb oh, the saw! ha ha ha! / i'm sorry! that must have given you quite the start! i was just cutting down a tree out back. small clinic. "all hands on deck," you know! mrs. detwiler ah, you're not using that for the surgery. oh, thank goodness! / jeb oh, no! my dear woman, of course not! / no, for you i figured i'd stick with the ol' gardening shears. open up fancy implements are expensive and hey, you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to administer your own anesthesia. 579579; credit is denied gustavo i'm sorry, sir, your card was declined. / todd that's impossible! are you certain? / gustavo absolutely, sir. it was the rare super decline. the machine asked us to rinse it down with alcohol afterward. todd well, i'm sorry. you'll just have to take it up with my accountant. / she handles all of my financial matters. i'm sure it's just a minor misunderstanding. gustavo your accountant, sir? todd gestures to marsha, a chimpanzee seated next to him. todd wait - was that card made of banana leaf? / gustavo it was definitely some sort of leaf. / todd well there's the problem. that one's overdrawn. marsha, give him the one made of bark. bank on if the financial institutions are ever to recognize our independent sustainable microeconomy we must continue to wage our passive-aggressive awareness campaign. 580580; the kids come home brett mom, dad, this is holly. mom welcome, holly! it's so nice to meet you! dad and your brother arrived this morning! this is gonna be our biggest christmas ever! bart, the brother, appears. bart hey! bonernose! why don't ya sit on a duck for a while! brett and bart in chorus you might lose a few pounds!! brett and bart laugh loud and long. brett sorry. inside joke. holly looks perplexed. mom welcome to the family, honey. it never gets any better. join in it's this thing from when we were ten we would take turns playing duck hunt and humping the tv. what's that? well you asked for details 581581; the captain partakes in sport colonel sergeant! how's it going over in the barracks? sergeant rather grim, sir. provisions are running short and the weather's getting colder. sergeant the lads are holding up, but i know they're a bit scared. these are just boys, sir. they miss their parents, their sweethearts. home. plus, for many of them, it's their first christmas away from their families. it's rough on morale, sir. sergeant i was wondering...is there something we can do, sir? for the lads? for christmas? anything, really. colonel capital idea, sergeant! choose your eight hairiest boys to pull a sleigh. i shall play santa. colonel in lieu of gifts i shall throw stones. when stones are exhausted i shall throw ice. we will continue until all present are unconscious. sergeant and if the enemy attacks, sir? while everyone is knocked out by stones? colonel that would hardly be sporting of them, sergeant. ride around in ah! our scouts report that the enemy commander is far too busy walloping his troops with a croquet-mallet to mount a proper offensive at the moment. do invite him for tea 582582; george gets a lute george oh, uh, wow! you...got me a lute. agnes now, that's real spruce! is that right? is that what you wanted? george yeah! i mean, geez--i can't believe you actually found one! agnes oh, it wasn't easy! first i tried the music shop on ninth. but all they had was a bunch of junk! then aunt irene said i should try antique shops. do you know i went to every antique shop in town? but nobody even knew what i was talking about! agnes finally, i found this nice man at a little recording studio over in brantley. he said he wouldn't mind asking around on the internet for me. wouldn't you know it, a friend of his in texas had this one for sale, and i was able to get it overnighted. i hope it's a good one! george (small voice) i kind of put this on my list as a joke. hiram let her keep her victory ask for there was a period a few months ago when george was watching a lot of lute videos on youtube. 583583; a dog is returned victorian pet shop customer i'd like to return this talking dog. it is broken. it can only utter lies. cashier certainly! do you need a different size? a different color? customer just cash back if possible. cashier do you have a receipt? customer i received it as a gift and sadly i do not believe grandmother kept proper track of the paperwork. what with her advanced age and various pressing anxieties vis-a-vis same. cashier well, without a receipt the best i can give you is store credit, minus a restocking fee. customer i see. store credit. shop owner hey! you just pulled this off the shelf and now you're trying to return it! customer what a preposterous accusation! ask the dog itself. dog he picked me up and came right to the return counter. customer you see. lies! scheme like store credit at the talking-dog store 584584; nate has a houseguest nate 'morning, hector. hector has a human body and the head of a cockatoo. hector nate. how goes. nate how's the guest room treating you? hector pretty good, pretty good. nate get dark enough in there? hector oh yeah. plenty dark. nice and restful. nate glad to hear it. nate produces a large, dark-colored egg. nate found this in there while i was cleaning. hector (looking around nervously) wha--hey--that's--that's personal nate hector. i don't want drug mules in my house. hector it--it ain't drugs i (tiny voice) i laid it nate that does not preclude its being full of drugs. hector are you suggesting i am made of drugs? nate i don't know anything for sure about your freakish anatomy carry don[t offer to make breakfast please don't offer to make breakfast 585585; a rat has many hobbies two rats. one holds a tuba. raymond can you believe it? they were giving out free tubas at the grocery store! some kind of promotion. deborah what no. deborah what are you going to do with a tuba? raymond i am going to play the tuba. deborah where are we going to keep the tuba? raymond we will keep it in our tuba nook. deborah we have no space in the tuba nook! remember how it's full of unicycle? which you also brought home and then quickly lost interest in? but which you'll never consider parting with? you have to start thinking before y-- raymond stop being your mother! raymond is telling this story to a hedgehog (i think). his head is stuck in the tuba. raymond anyway that's pretty much how it happened. hoard alttext you know what? headin' back to the store to get ten more tubas. just to show who's boss 586586; the ancestral diet clive addresses his guests. clive the premise of the ancestral diet is to eat foods native to the homelands of your ancestors. over the millennia, your family thrived on this food. your tribe and your clan adapted to it. this food made your great-great-great-great-grandparents strong enough to reproduce. your dna is attuned to it. so for me, that would be scandinavian foods. lots of fish, beets and apples. stavros for me it would be mediterreanean olives, yougurts, figs and dates! sanjay for me it would be indian food curries, rice and lentils. gax this is outrageous. the closest thing to ancestral gaxian cuisine around here is all you people's kidneys. chemically speaking. chow down well regardless i have already processed your credit card for the seminar 587587; finally?purpose! todd i just had the best idea! think about your dog. now think about his allergies. that's dog's probably suffering all day long, but you'd never know it! todd here is my plan. a store where i sell allergy-relief products for dogs. i am talking all kinds of products! antihistamines. muzzle masks. bubble suits. laverne is regarding him skeptically. todd our own line of bubble suits! quadrupedal bubble suits! i could do this. i could really make this happen. todd you ever have a moment that it feels like your whole life has been leading up to? like all the random stuff i've done over the years has just been to equip me perfectly for this. i have a medical background. i'm a plastics enthusiast. i even have a friend trying to break his lease on laverne you are supposed to be operating on my baby! todd has donned a surgical cap and mask. he stands over a table on which a baby lies. he scowls and a foul miasma of disgust emanates from his head. follow your heart to never get to do what i want to do. 588588; sensitive, dead wilbur wilbur, a buffalo, is struck by an arrow fired by a nearby indian warrior. okay, "native american warrior." <> wilbur ahh! dude! you shot me! are you insane? what is wrong with you? wilbur (to himself) wait, wilbur. remember what the therapist said. frame the situation using "i feel" statements. wilbur (aloud) when you shoot me full of arrows, i feel like we aren't contributing equally to the health of this relationshaaaooww <> heal you are really wounding me with how inconsiderate you're being. also, with your arrows 589589; meat is judged #589; meat is judged character 1 ooh, the lunchmeat's gone bad character 2 <> character 2 it's fine. you want mustard on yours? character 1 < character 1 don't eat that! it's definitely off! character 1 if you even have to smell it twice-- character 2 here's how i see it. we're evolutionarily adapted to be repulsed by things that could make us ill. character 2 so -- if your reptile-brain is telling you to stay away, it probably knows something about the particular tolerance of your particular immune system. but my reptile-brain thinks i can handle it. it's telling me it's sandwich tyme. character 1 my reptile-brain is telling me that your theory smells rotten. character 2 exactly! character 2 because you cannot handle it. give it a try just like you cannot handle my laundry. 590590; excitement is tempered man wearing piratey hat, coat and breeches watches woman in cap, long dress and apron hanging laundry on an outdoor clothesline yeah! laundry gettin' done! woman we're rockin' it we're rollin' it we're dryin' it denyin' it ...the right to be wet anymore man continues to lurk behind laundress while supportively conversing about her work lookit that form! lookit that technique! baby this laundry don't stand a chance! woman aw, p'shaw, b! any dang fool can get on this train! it's just clothespins and finger-squeeze! old ladies got this noise covered! man changes direction of his lurk and continues i can dig it. it ain't the process, it's the meaning. it's putting a hand in the windstream of that old, ancient interplay between fabric and moisture. woman it's like don't matter how rich you are. your sheets still gotta get dry. are we on a ley line? you got my toes trembling. this is metaphor-y. this is laundry cranked to eleven. man continues lurking in a supervisory fashion woman so you feelin' it then! you got it so deep in your bones that you're fixin' to grab up a pin and help a sister out! well hold on i mean the scale goes up to 43 turn up eleven is just 'passive admiration' 591591; shauna is impressed angie did you pick up a gift for shauna's party? brad yeah, i found this awesomeness at a yard sale! it's a lamp, the body of which is an entire turtle with the socket coming out of its mouth and the base emerging somewhat farther south. brad i named him strivey. he thinks the lamp is lettuce. angie get serious. brad whaaaat? angie you know how important it is to make a good impression with shauna. she can unlock a lot of business for us. yard sale indeed. i will not have her thinking we're a bunch of cheapskates. brad is a little put out. he goes to his (quite modern-looking) computer... ...and something emerges from his gear-driven, coal-fired, cast-iron printer. it's a large, barcoded price tag for $1,869.00, which he applies to the turtle's shell. make an impression oh whoops ha ha ha i guess i forgot to remove that! how embarrassing 592592; a strategic retreat phoebe i want to become a recluse. i want to suddenly and mysteriously wall myself off from the world. everyone will wonder "what's happened to her since her disappearance? what's she been up to?" but nobody will know. phoebe people will become obsessed with the lack of information. they'll try to hunt me down, and write books about how they got oh so close. mike so you'll never talk to the public again? phoebe oh, i'll grant an interview once a decade or so. but each appearance will only deepen the enigma. phoebe for i'll reveal the strange principles i live by! i'll make cryptic references to half-completed masterpieces! by playing hard to get, i'll become a legend--in a way i never could by shoving myself in people's faces and letting them see my flaws! mike but why would anyone care that much about you? you'd have to capture the people's attention first. phoebe first i will assassinate a king. hide away anyone can manage one masterpiece. 593593; mike is corporeal mike (not the same mike from the previous strip, but another mike, a very different mike indeed) raymond, can i ask you something...personal? about myself? raymond sure, mike. shoot. mike am i... am i a ghost? raymond ha ha ha! are you a ghost. why would you even ask something like that? mike because whenever i touch wood, or leather, or anything that used to have life i feel a sharp nail of misery drive deep behind both eyes. because the night has started speaking to me, using the voice of moonlight to whisper ancient secrets. because everything i remember of happiness has the fading character of a dream startled awake from. raymond does the sound of young laughter fill your throat with the ashy pitch of a great tree burning since the days of noah? mike n-not really. raymond then you're fine. it's probably just gas. run screaming to now come along, i have a hundred bottles for you to fill with luminous psychoplasma from your fingertips. 594594; four score and seven seals august stands in the street, watching something we cannot see. a woman approaches him. isabella what-- what is it? august i think it's-- august i think it's the second coming. the city is in flames. people are leaping from windows and rioting in the streets. fire brigades try desperately to control the flames, and in the middle of it all, towering over the burning buildings and tiny people, stands the enormous, stovepipe-hatted figure of abraham lincoln. stare up no one will know the hour or the day. 595595; all is safe jeremy no bike rack? let's lock to the meter i guess. jemima people can lift the bikes over the meter. jeremy we'll just have to make sure it's tight. i'll use my u-bolt too. there is now a u-bolt securing both bikes to the meter, but they're not done yet. jemima make sure you thread it through the front wheel. jeremy should we take the wheels with us? jemima i guess we could at least take the seats. four u-bolts now secure both bikes to the meter. jeremy what do you think? are we secure? jeremy and jemima sit at a table outside a restaurant. the table is about five feet away from the bikes. fasten to to prevent lockpicking, we poured candle wax and chewing gum into all the keyholes 596596; stanley the trader prudence let me get this straight. i sent you off with magic beans that can access the world of the giants. and you traded them? for a cow?! prudence do you know how long it took me to cultivate those magic beans? they had to be spliced. and selected. and bred. and enchanted. we had a plan, stanley. we were going to go to the land of the giants and plunder their kingdom! stanley b-but i thought with a cow we could maybe-- prudence could what, stanley? what could we have done with a mangy old cow that we couldn't have done a hundred times over with a giant's giant cow? prudence i swear! you and your thoughts! ...where is that old cow, anyway? stanley that's what i've been trying to say! i traded it. for a magic anthill. prudence ...a magic anthill? stanley the ants never stop swap for they form a long red line anchoring nightmares to the core of the earth. i thought it would be a good trade 597 [wondermark ? archive ? #597; an act of altruism ahh, i cut my finger on this stupid zipper! i guess i gotta be more careful. lawyer perhaps the zipper is at fault! are you hurt badly? no, in fact it's already healed. lawyer any zipper that can nick flesh might also maim flesh! lawyer and millions of people use these dangerous zippers every day! the potential for serious injury is staggering. lawyer would you be interested in participating in a class action? to punish the zipper company for is cavalier pursuit of never-ending profits at the expense of ordinary, hardworking, zipper-reliant citizens like yourself? lawyer you could be entitled to a cash settlement. with enough defendants, we'd be talking about millions. three years later lawyer good news! the court has ordered the y.k.k. zipper corporation to pay fifty million dollars! lawyer split among two million defendants, that's a cool nine bucks cash for your, my friend! woman ... that only accounts for eighteen million dollars. what about the rest. lawyer well, you know. lawyer fees settle up with look, i got problems too! this settlement has pushed me into a very inconvenient tax bracket! 598598; amy has a way jordan hey, what's the wifi password? amy it's this insanely-long series of letters. my boss is a security freak. but i made a mnemonic for it, acrostic-style. amy "although basic courtesy doesn't explain foreign genocide, highly-intuitive japanese kids let machines narrate old people's quiet recollections, seeking to ultimately vanquish wichita's xenophobic young zealots." jordan (typing) abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz jordan how does the mnemonic make it any easier? amy why must everything always be easier? log on to it's better when things have a story 599599; the boilerplate clause closeup of a credit-card disclosure agreement. dan can you make heads or tails of it? june no. but it's gotta be something bad. june probably raising the interest rates again. or instituting a competency surcharge for paying the bill on time. dan hey, josiah's good at deciphering this stuff. what does this say? what affront do we need to brace ourselves for? josiah takes the document and reads it. josiah hmmm prime rate average daily balance promotional apr taxes ...they're going to drop a locomotive on your house. dan & june what?! josiah tuesday. seven a.m. sneaky. caption later a locomotive has indeed been dropped on the house. examine to reject this change in your terms of service, simply do not use the locomotive 600600; david and goliath instructions lean back * relax your eyes * let these dots merge a stereoscopic image gus, atop his giant eagle glenda, attempts to lasso the piggybacked and gargantuan anthropomorphized hippos anton and jay. mount banjo erupts dramatically in the background. --- by david malki ! if i can tame it, i can stop dreaming it 601601; the discovery that changed the world denver is enjoying some cheetos--with chopsticks. <> sylvan are you using chopsticks? for cheetos? denver keeps the orange crap off my fingers. silent panel as sylvan considers this and denver picks up another cheeto. front page of a newspaper with a profile shot of denver. headline genius subhead "the idea just came to me," says modern-day prometheus discover also, spoons for salted nuts, but you can easily accidentally plow down a 5-lb. bag that way without even noticing. 602602; hugo is lost heinrich hugo! here you are! why haven't you reported back to the camp? everybody's been looking for you! search parties are combing the swamp! hugo i heard 'em. they passed by maybe ten feet away. roughly speaking i mean i did not actually measure. heinrich well, why didn't you say anything? hugo i just figured 'live and let live' hugo i did not want to be presumptuous hide out they could have been looking for anyone named hugo 603603; man's best friend archie is trying to get past buster the dog, who keeps jumping on him and barking. archie get away get down buster arf arf arf arf arf inside. archie finally. closeup of archie's laptop screen. he has a friend request. from buster. archie thinks silently for a panel. ...and clicks . now, every message archie has is from buster and they're all nothing but arf arf arf arf arf arf, varying only in the number of arfs. six of these in a two-hour period, with a particularly long one at 41 minutes ago. befriend buster commented on your status. arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf 604604; the courteous guest hobart and gax. hobart how was your trip? were you ever able to find a hotel that didn't require a security deposit? gax i actually ended up staying with chris. hobart chris? oh, gax, he's so fastidious...! gax don't worry--i was on my best behavior. gax i bleached my sheets every morning, re-alkalinized the toilets after i used them, replaced any pets i ate... hobart did you remember to leave a thank-you note? gax i snuck into his room and dropped off a traditional gaxian gift before heading to the airport! elsewhere, chris suddenly feels a tickle in his throat. chris <> chris' throat bulges and his head rears back involuntarily. chris blurk chris' eyes bulge as his head is forced back painfully far. his jaw is practically unhinged and his throat is swollen grotesquely. a mass protrudes from his mouth, and atop the mass is a banner reading thanks. sleep over don't worry! the pulsating just means that the larvae are devouring each other! 605605; is managed an accomplishment loretta what are you doing still in bed? i asked you to start loading the car! we have to be out the door in five minutes! leroy doesn't move. loretta come on come on come on! get pants on! get shoes on! i swear, getting you to move is like a lame, one-legged ancestor of a sloth who's twice as slow trying to use a frayed old piece of crunchy vine to pull a cruise ship! loretta leaves. leroy i ended my dream without being asked! i'd like a little credit for that! awake to you were at my mom's house...except it was sort of like a school for some reason...and everyone from work was in my mom's kitchen taking a class...only they weren't cooking...they were all stabbing each other 606606; a satisfying conclusion glenn i can't believe this! everyone's looking for handouts from the government! arianna who? who's looking for handouts? glenn everyone! old ladies! dogs! chinamen! glenn the government's not santa claus. you don't get presents from the president. you pay respects to the government! you get down on your knees! arianna you do not pray to george washington. glenn you don't! because you're crooked! glenn look! if you kill a dentist, george will bless your womb with a superhuman baby immune to all known diseases! why does nobody get this? then health care becomes a moot point! arianna i can't take this. i cannot have this argument with you. it's nonsense. arianna leaves. glenn (shouting after her) so i win! shout george washington's hatred for dentists boils yet from his grave. 607607; the peaches that were left two peaches held in the palm of a hand. chris two peaches left on gramma's old tree. chris not very ripe. meg agggh. super sour. chris i was hoping this would be all poetic. last peaches on the tree, every other branch bare. gramma's last gift to us. they'd be delicious and we'd remember all the great times and have one final moment with her memory. chris but nope, it's just a couple of gross peaches. meg the hundred ripe ones were her gifts to the birds pluck from she shooed them away all her life. 'not yet,' she'd say. 'not quite yet.' 608608; the worst occurs samantha, overcome with emotion, collapses into ned's arms. darren, concerned, takes her hand as helga stands by. darren samantha! what's wrong? samantha i tried to be brave. i tried to prepare... i knew it was only a matter of time! darren oh, no! what happened? helga it's her mother. her mother... samantha mooommm whyyyy helga her mother. she join the facebook. samantha whyyyyyy nestle into sorry you had to hear it this way, mom. 609609; natalie finds the fallacy woman ... if you study and work hard, you can be anything you want to be! girl let's say that's true. girl take a survey. ask everyone what they want to be. girl in my class you'll find three astronauts, a couple firefighters, a bunch of baseball players and rock stars, and one cow minder. girl kid just loves him some cows. girl but is that enough to build a functioning civilization? girl if everybody gets to turn their poetry into a lucrative career, hadn't we better hope someone decides to take up sewage treatment as a hobby? girl for the good of society as a whole, someone will have to spend a life doing something they don't want to do. girl it's an absolute requisite. woman so you're volunteering? girl heck no dude. i'm'ma teach folk music to bees. toil away 'come along chadwick,' said father, pulling the boy roughly by the hand. 'but papa!' came the plaintive wail -- 'the cows, the cows, the cows, the cows!' 610610; which is done in secret alex furtively peers through his venetian blinds... ...then steps away from the window, letting the blinds fall back into place. smiling giddily, he listens to morse code on headphones. we see a closeup of a sheet covered in seemingly-random groups of letters and characters... ...which, viewed at arm's length, form an image of a topless woman in a classical pose. tap th .... .- .-- - (translation hawt) 611611; the building blocks of being chad i've had half of this old commercial in my head all day and it's driving me nuts. "land a plane in your milk..." alpha-bits cereal. "plane" was spelled out in letters, the "e" spinning like a prop. tremendous. jeremy "and watch a duck (quack, quack) swim by." chad yes! that's it! the rascally duck! thank you! jeremy you feel better now? chad hugely. these things are part of my childhood, you know? part of my makeup. jeremy sure. all our makeup. i mean, you and i didn't meet until adulthood, but thanks to ubiquitous mass media, we had a shared childhood nonetheless. chad what great commercials, to make us remember them even decades later. thank you, post foods llc! chad that copywriter must be grinning like a chimp to know that his or her creative work is an indelible part of an entire generation. jeremy but did the ads ever actually make you buy any alpha-bits? chad man, don't vulgarize this. remember i was an avid consumer of children's cereals! as soon as i got to college. 612612; the pretty bad dinner two gentlemen sit at a table in a restaurant. first gentleman is wearing a top hat. second gentleman is wearing a beanie. first gentle how was your salad? second gentle awful. lettuce was wilted, and the dressing appeared to be just mayonnaise with flakes of parsley sort of drowned in it. first gentle i'd have liked a little of that on my sandwich. it was less tuna salad than vaguely fish-like pasted between two chunks of particle board. second gentle mmm second gentle were the fries at least any good? first gentle those were supposed to be fries? i figured it was jicama that'd been left out in the sun for some reason. the waiter arrives with the check. waiter and how was everything? first gentleman and second gentle fine smile and nod i don't know why business is doing so poorly. everyone says they love our new hobo fusion menu! 613613; the laments of the aged two flying ants on a leaf old ant youngster! i won't brook your sass any longer! i don't know when respect went out of fashion in today's society! old ant this new generation is running the world into the ground! no sense of personal responsibility! old ant in my day, we worked for our living! you kids don't know the meaning of an honest day's labor! old ant what with your absurd musical taste, generically rebellious nature, and unfamiliar/threatening media-consumption habits old ant my generation had it harder and made out better! old ant ...but listen to me. i'm just an old fogey staring hard at the grave. at my age, you regret not taking care of your health most of all. young ant how old are you? old ant tomorrow i will be 36 hours live and die but i don't feel a day over 24! 614614; procrastihibernation a big metal cylinder marked cryo-stor (tm) holds the frozen body of a bearded man. dylan (offpanel) mommy? when are we supposed to thaw great-grandpa? mommy when science figures out how to cure congestive heart failure. dylan my teacher said major strides have recently been made in heart research. does that mean we'll be thawing him soon? mommy well, think of it this way if things are looking up now, imagine how much better they'll be in another fifty or hundred years! and wouldn't great-grandpa want to see that future even more than ours? dylan you just don't want to listen to him ooh and aah over the hover-toaster all day long. mommy he can be your grandkids' problem. when the time comes, cryogenics conceives of the future as florida a place where old people go to just putter around 615615; the one thing under my control max *snif* stovepipe what's the matter? max there is just so much injustice in the world that i will never, ever be able to do anything about. stovepipe so what's your plan of attack? max plan of attack? didn't you hear me? i cannot change the way things work. that is the problem. stovepipe so what are you doing? max just really, really obsessing about it. and watching a lot of tv news. fixate on 616616; the trail goes cold leonard (pushing an empty pram) pardon me! you wouldn't happen to have seen a baby around here, would you? 'bout two feet long? looks like me but smaller? leonard might've been making sounds? sort of proto-language syllables, but without much meaning? probably looked a bit dazed? like he was still taking in details about the outside world, and figuring out how to contextualize them? dexter sorry, all the babies i've seen come through here were very cocksure. leonard dangit where did this kid get off to? 'i've been searching for this baby for thirty-five long years...' 'dad?!' chase after 617617; a day of earnest efforts four silent strips, three panels each plus title cards, featuring s.a.m.i.r., the helpful clockwork boy. s.a.m.i.r. is a conglomeration of machinery in a wagon, and he wears a little hat. s.a.m.i.r. the helpful clockwork boy in "the rainy day'' it's raining and s.a.m.i.r. happens upon a man with no umbrella. a mechanical arm with an umbrella on it emerges from within s.a.m.i.r. s.a.m.i.r. holds the open umbrella over the man's head, shielding them both from the rain. the man looks surprised. s.a.m.i.r. the helpful clockwork boy in "the sad lady" a woman in an ancient greek battle helmet is weeping. s.a.m.i.r. comes closer. he offers her a handkerchief. s.a.m.i.r. the helpful clockwork boy in "the accomplice" a fleeing criminal runs past s.a.m.i.r. he drops a bag of loot. s.a.m.i.r. picks up the bag and hurries to catch up to the man. s.a.m.i.r. has been thrown in jail. he has no face, really, but somehow he looks sad. s.a.m.i.r. the helpful clockwork boy in "hard at work" s.a.m.i.r. has apparently released himself from jail by cutting through the bars with his built-in circular saw and bending them out of the way. the constable rushes in and sees the damaged cell door. s.a.m.i.r., ever helpful, fires up his welding gear (including a mask) and sets about repairing the bars. he does remain outside the cell, though. aided by in an emergency, s.a.m.i.r. can overclock his central cam-drive, thus enabling him to give 110%. 618618; we are all social creatures a bearded man sits on a bench, holding a cellular phone to his ear bearded ...just checking to see if you guys were going out tonight. call me! bearded man (internal monologue) they won't call! i *know* they went out without me! they *never* include me in anything they do! the phone is no longer visible bearded man (internal monologue) like when *george* came to visit. they all went to that club that looks like a submarine. bearded man (internal monologue) george is *my* friend, too! and they *knew* i wanted to go check out *the dive bar*! bearded man (internal monologue) but *no*! stuck home *alone* again like a *chump*! like a walking, talking *chumpanzee*! a man in a turban appears, kneeling at the bearded man's side bearded man (internal monologue) now i'm gonna be here *all* night waiting for a call which is *never* going to come. talk about the *height* of inconsiderate? man in turban *an epidemic has killed the entire human race leaving only you and me alive* man in turban c-can i come in? bearded nnnnnah, i think i got a library book i should be working on. go under with every fifteen minutes it goes awhoooogaa and red lights flash and sprinklers come on 619619; the night holds challenges jeff let me ask you something, lester. there is a beast that visits me in the darkest part of my dreams. she lurks at the corners of vision, always circling, always prowling. she does not let herself be seen. she follows me. jeff i might be dreaming of home, or of loves long lost, or of chocolate or ice cream or kangaroos or anything--and she is always there, and the dream is always from that point tainted. the ice cream turns to soot, or my old bedroom to a furnace... everything takes on a miserable shape as the shadow of the beast passes over. and then she howls as i kick in my bed. jeff if only i could speak the name of the beast, i might rebuke her. but its alien syllables slither past my tongue like a soapy worm. yet i try--oh, i wake myself with the screeching. lester so what's the question? jeff why do i only seem to attract weird chicks? shout out she wants to keep her last name after we get married; i want freedom from this everlasting torment. all good relationships are built on compromise. 620620; all these things are true todd rides deanna and glinda on his bicycle. deanna ...i mean, he and i have known each other since we were kids! deanna we never could've imagined that one day we'd become...deanna and glinda fade into the distance. todd become what? partners in a whaling boat? rival spoon collectors? veterinary urologists? todd at long last, the only remaining survivors of the '96 plague class? accidental astronauts? deaf in the same ear? child abusers? each other's dentist? todd turns around. todd cold war reenactors? dressing up in old soviet uniforms, photographic documents with tiny cameras...using phrases like "checkpoint charlie" in bed todd rides past the ladies again. deanna so we found some old tv antennas, spray-painted a basketball, and bam! sputnik. todd yesss the full story the '96 plague class was the last of the experimental secondary-education programs 621621; the challenging amusement a woman stands over a man in prone position who holds a video game controller woman new game? yeah! it's amazing! it's tremendously complex and adaptive. it's never the same game twice! as you develop new skills and master new levels, it combines its challenges in wholly unpredictable ways. it's really compelling! this is the kind of game you could play for years and it's always new. woman so as you get better at it, it gets better at challenging you? yes! theoretically there's no ceiling to how elaborate the series of puzzles could become. woman sounds fun! i love this game one week later the man lies on his side, without the controller woman not playing the new game? ehh it got hard level up he came to a level where you just keep dying without any way of predicting why or when or how. the developers call it 'profound' 622622; sleep has it all stan and phil ride their horses through an unnamed city. stan there you are! i've been waiting an hour! phil sorry phil you know, i think falling back into a warm bed after briefly getting up is probably life's single greatest visceral pleasure. phil don't get me wrong. kissing a sweetheart, holding a baby, saving a dog from a rushing river...these are all nice ways to spend a lazy afternoon. phil but for a pure, all-natural rush of just absolute basic satisfaction...nothing can match the bed. phil it's a joy both immediate and fleeting. you stay in bed too long, you get a headache. it's just that first moment, when your body slides back into the covers - man! phil i'm telling you. it's better than winning an ice cream nobel prize. better than a runner's high brought on by hugging your mom. it's better than everything. stan better than having breakfast with your very close and personal friend, as the two of you had planned weeks ago? phil well i think history can answer that question roll over with this is a very elaborate hedonist construct you've gone to simply to disclaim personal responsibility for being late. 623623; we've had this conversation a million times lucius look alive out there! i want everyone giving one hundred and ten percent! perry frankly, managing to give a hundred percent would be miraculous, as i always reserve a handful of percents for basic personal use. lucius it's a figure of speech. this job requires going above and beyond. perry i can't go beyond if the job is to go beyond. i can't go beyond beyond. at best i could go right up to. lucius next wisecrack about my hyperbole gets your teeth kicked in. perry you'll chastise me awkwardly in the hallway. more likely, you'll glare coldly for a second, then huff, say 'anyway,' and continue with your diatribe. i mean, let's be clear about the stakes here. do your best 624624; the persistence of work a shop. bob you still working on that? knock it off. i gotta lock up. your plank storage unit looks swell. let's go home. len it's not right, though. it's not perfect. bob it's fine. len i'm not after fine. i'm after delightfully amazing. i know it can be better. bob you're working too hard. stop it. nobody cares. you are the only one who can tell the difference. we're worried about you. you're breaking your back digging your own grave. len i want my epitaph to be "doggone if he wasn't trying his best." bob i want mine to be "we buried what pieces we could find." keep the people who can tell the difference are the people this is for. 625625; the train thunders on exterior of a building. jeff just got off a conference call with the client. had a good long talk about direction for the campaign. interior. jeff they want to position the plaque-vac as a time-saver. so let's hear some copy about saving time. wanda saving time...saving time...time's a-wasting. don't waste time. time flies. don't let time fly away, use the plaque-vac every day. time keeps on tickin'. time is a girl's best friend. all we need is time. without time, nothing else matters. save time, save a life. save your own life. jeff what about something being late? drew running late. wake up late, you're late for work. kids late for school. you don't have time. busy schedule, you grab a junk-food breakfast. pop tarts, drive-thru, donuts. sorta montage between 'em. wanda you can use the plaque-vac at work. use it after lunch! get home late, why waste time. takes ten seconds before bed. get right to bed with your loved ones. improves your quality of life. an easy way to improve dental health while adding time back into your schedule. jeff i like that. your current tooth-cleaning method is stealing time from your life and you don't even know it. now, you can add - what? five minutes a day? ten? fifteen? add that time back. drew that's extra time extra time that you get to keep. it's like a gift. plaque-vac is the gift that keeps on giving. give it to yourself, and plaque-vac gives you the gift of time. simon have you ever actually used plaque-vac? my aunt gave me one for christmas. the suction motor is really cheap, so you either have to go super slowly and hit a bunch of spots twice, or just brush your teeth the regular way afterwards. it doesn't really save you any time. beat. jeff i like "the revolutionary new plaque-vac gives you the priceless gift of more time with your loved ones." problems vanish with fine, simon. we'll also pitch 'don't you deserve a day off? indulge yourself with plaque-vac! take whole lazy afternoons to pamper your gums.' 626626; paul catches up paul boy, do i have some strong opinions about the war in iraq! dawn too late! everyone's talking about bank bailouts! the economy is a critical issue! we're watching it very closely! paul all right, i think i finally have a grasp on all the shenanigans in the financial sector? dawn too late! old news! health care is the biggest problem facing our society since dukakis rode a tank! grave pronouncements are hitting the media at rates unseen since the cuban missile crisis! paul it took a while, but i read the entire health care bill and i - dawn too late! we've moved on to the oil spill in the gulf of mexico! it's so tragic it makes hamlet look like 3-2-1 contact! it's the worst marine disaster since noah's flood! everyone is very concerned! brow-furrowing is at an all-time high! paul okay! let's really get to the bottom of this asteroids-for-lasers scandal! dawn too early paul dangit get mad ad we've got to get through the supreme court sex scandal, then bee flu, then asteroids-for-lasers. 627627; jeff has his answer jeff gax? gax jeff. jeff hey, uh, i don't mean to be rude or anything, but can i ask you a silly question? gax no silly questions, my false-brother. i am a curiosity ripe for inquisition. jeff you're a shapeshifter, right? you can assume any form? gax mmmyes. jeff ...so, are you actually wearing clothes? or is it just your body assuming the shape of clothes? gax find out for yourself. jeff touches gax's trenchcoat. the trenchcoat stretches and extends to cover jeff's arm. jeff yanks his arm free, but the flesh has already been dissolved from the bones. reach out and touch false-brothers do not count for much in gaxian culture 628628; the quantum roadkill two men sit in an automobile; one drives <> man 1 ack man 2 oh no! you just hit a possum! man 1 vicious creatures. one less of 'em to terrorize children. man 2 he'll never go home to his little possum family. man 1 he doesn't have a family! he lives under a rock, writing hateful possum manifestos and designing mail bombs. man 2 his little possum wife has dinner all ready. his little possum children have drawings they made at possum school. but daddy's not coming home! man 1 because he was out kidnapping squirrels to torture in twisted experiments. his fetid dungeon is filled with the stench of despair. but no more! the forest need tremble in fear no longer! man 2 can we at least agree that his next of kin will grieve for him man 1 his next of kin is a stitched-together construct of fur and bone and lipstick he calls "sally" rationalize most likely the possum was, like us all, generally well-intentioned despite having some distinct faults. 629629; game-night gets awkward bob sorry i'm late to game night! ray dangit bob! i sprained my thumb twiddlin' waitin' fer you! i gotta turn tonight's bout to my understudy! ray's understudy is a duck. wearing shoes, pants held up with suspenders and a top hat. let's call him desmond, for the alliteration. desmond what shall we play? bob well typically we do a few ten-dollar rounds of rock paper scissors. can you manage that? i mean with the feathers an' all-- desmond i do not know it. is it similar to duck duck goose? ray go with him here bob. bob i guess it's got some similarities in the random nature of it all. desmond duck duck goose is offensive minstrelcy! bob (to himself) dangit why do these things always turn political? play around there is no way you can play rock-paper-scissors with thumbs sprained from twiddlin'. 630630; a new regime bob norm! you seen this new, hundred-foot-tall "welcome ducks" banner in front of my house? you know anything about that? norm i know just who to ask! meet the new chairman of our homeowners' association! desmond a duck i've got a lot of improvements planned. desmond my first project will be refurb'ing the pond to feature waterproof, motion-activated bread-crumb dispensers. these will work in concert with a mandatory neighborhood old-muffin recycling program. desmond i'd also like everyone to start wearing feathers - to make new residents feel welcome as the area inevitably gentrifies. it's time to add some biodiversity to our little subdivision! desmond i trust that i have your full support? norm to bob look, we're going to have to pick our battles if we're ever going to get on the free egg list. visit scenic the banner was erected in the night. 631631; there must be something we can do indoors, woman talking to bird woman the mortgage market was heavily regulated but the regulations weren't *enforced*. result *massive banking failure*. woman *offshore drilling* is highly regulated, but the regulations weren't enforced. result massive oil spill catastrophe. woman everyone's talking about how these things should have been *predicted*, should have been *stopped*. seems so obvious in hindsight. so what regulations are going unenforced *right this second*? what abuses are people *noticing* but not mentioning? what crises yet to come are still *preventable*? bird well, *you're* on unemployment while still taking work under the table. *that* can't be great for the state budget. woman i mean preventable in *principle*. solutions at ) we need an elite squad of meta-enforcers to enforce enforcement. they will be dressed all in leather and answer only to their own enforcers. 632632; a dramatic turnover in management man #1 big changes at work. my boss got promoted man #2 not the incompetent moron who once plugged an overflowing toilet with a live squirrel? man #1 no, he died in a fire. this is the person who recommended he start that fire. man #2 so anti-smokey has now been promoted to... man #1 vice president of global operations. he gets learjet and a butler. man #2 how can the company afford that? man #1 they fired my entire data-analysis team and replaced them with day laborers from outside home depot. it is now mathematically impossible to accomplish anything at work. man #2 and the old job that the new vp vacated...? man #1 filled by an unpleasant janitor. man #1 that i once caught going through my desk looking for anything remotely smokable. he has secrets on everybody. man #2 ...it sounds like it might be time to look for a new job. man #1 but i live so close work hard the janitor hates me. because we both know too much about each other. 633633; the mantel is getting cluttered wendy honey, look! a gift shop! can we take a peek? just for a minute? julio yes, on one condition before you go in, as yourself what needs you have in life. conceptualize all your distinct, legitimate voids. keep them in mind. any object in the gift shop must fulfill an existing need in order to come home with us. hold fast to this standard, and we won't fill the house with crap to throw away later. wendy i don't throw that stuff away! julio yes. yes, i know. wendy are you done being a souvenir grump? can i look around now, your highness? julio hold to the standard! only distinct needs! eight months later quentin somebody, help! i think she's having a stroke! kate quick! we need to find a novelty snow-globe of the gateway arch! wendy see precious it's a folk remedy! 634634; accomplishment measured in decibels a girl is sitting on a bench, opposite a boy. behind the boy is a machine of some sort, and a wall on which are written numerous equations and formulas. a second girl is sitting nearer the machine. girl how's the project coming? boy fine the girl turns away. <> <> the girl turns back towards the machine and sees an explosion. girl i thought you guys were doing math! girl 2 engineering! boy it's like math, but louder. make it work the device was completely and utterly destroyed. the experiment was an unqualified success. 635635; lara and her priorities lara and francine at the bake sale. lara i don't understand. why are your cookies selling so well, when mine have barely moved? francine maybe because mine are homemade? no store-bought dough for me, just good ol' betty crocker mix. and they're delicious! lara i grew my own wheat. milled the flour with a stone dug up from my yard. built the oven out of bricks i sculpted myself. even evolved a chicken out of a salamander to get eggs. these are home made cookies. francine well, are they any good? lara why would that matter? get baked my favorite line that didn't make it into the final draft of this comic 'i made my scratch from scratch' 636636; a hunter goes fishing a bear in an ill-fitting prussian military helmet prowls about aimlessly. bear i'm a bear! i'm a bear! a fisherman appears. he's bigger than the bear. fischer stop it. you are not a bear. you are a fish in a costume. bear i thought (small voice) i thought i was a bear. fischer you have been claiming so, but you are wrong. bear (to himself) i never realized how much being a fish feels like being a bear. fischer now come here and put this hook in your mouth. listen to don't make me put one of your salmony brethren on here to seal the deal 637637; growth is noticed jane you're getting so tall! last time i saw you, you were only this big! chip i guess i just keep eating jane let's see, when did i see you last? was it thanksgiving? i recall walking into the family room and seeing you next to that old armoire. i have a very clear mental picture of that. jane your shoulder was almost even with the ridge by the top of the mirror. so that would have made you this tall, the last time i saw you. or did i see you at jim's wedding? i ducked out early - court appointment - but i may have seen you. you would have been seated and i would have only seen the back of your head, if anything. so it would have been hard to estimate your height from that. chip can we settle on "like all living things, i continue to change"? jane where you even with that armoire? this is going to bother me all night?! grow up to be if i don't know where you were, then i don't know where i was. and if i don't know where i was then, how can i know where i am now? don't you see? don't you seeeeee 638638; a choice has been made bearded ...and this is my pet project! bearded it's a fully functioning scale replica of the central train depot in leipzig, germany! bearded every detail is authentic. the trains keep accurate schedules. the "staff" wear authentic uniforms. i even bought an actual uniform on ebay for the fabric! bearded and i have even made some improvements! simple things - track efficiency, crowd flow ... bearded things my vantage point allows me to see, that the real -world station managers may miss. each month i send them a letter with my findings! other bloke wow. someone's got a lot of time on their hands. bearded no, i don't because i spend it doing things like this. the worthwhile back when i had time on my hands, i was a boring person. 639639; the moment of clarity two soldiers are on patrol. rolf listen closely! your patrol will be along the perimeter of the compound. maintain high alert at all times. rolf if you see movement, call it in. if you see a squirrel, call it in. if you see two weird-looking leaves in a row, call it in. if you see adorable deer frolicking lustily in a meadow, it is probably enemy agents in rented costumes trying to lower your guard. shoot them and then call it in. rolf you get no bathroom breaks. you get no coffee breaks. you get no? rolf you are supposed to be following me. stu man it just hit me that "sex and the city" is a prequel to "golden girls" come to understand it was the mental image of the deer that prompted the cognitive leap 640640; error comes to sandwiches a masked man appears masked stop there, citizen! masked you're eating that sandwich upside down! man with sandwich how do you eat a sandwich upside down masked you were biting it with the mustard side down. when your tongue hits that mustard, it'll overpower every other flavor! you need to bite mustard side up -- so your tongue first goes through the lettuce, meat, and cheese! in ascending order of flavor power! that way, you experience a more balanced palate. man with sandwich how do you know which side my mustard is on? i made this sandwich at home this morning masked i know! i was watching you from a tree! the masked man arrives at his home masked man's wife where have you been it is almost midnight and i needed you to do laundry today masked i have been out there making the world better take a bite of everyone needs a cause 641641; a long day in the chair hap i was chopping up some beets and got the best idea for a tattoo! hap it looks like the flesh of my chest is ripped back and inside my body there is a tiny dinosaur working a series of levers to control me down one arm there's an army of manatees mounting to stage a coup and take control of the me-throne down the other arm is the rival army of dinosaurs but they are actually being driven by butterflies in hive-mind mode climbing up my back there's like a silhouette of myself but it's as if i'm climbing the mountain of me to get my soul back from the dinosaur in my ribcage and i'm being chased by this fast-growing fungus that is turning my body to mushrooms as it creeps up from my crack winstead think about it, man. what's that gonna look like when you're eighty? hap i dunno, but for the fifty years between now and then it's gonna look boss ink up and if i have to wear a shirt i'll get a tattoo of a shirt 642642; in the dark and quiet hatted toff listen. it is morning. it is the dark morning, before the sun. hatted toff it is three, or four, or five a.m. you are awake. hatted toff there are voices that shout at you now, in languages native only to this hour. hatted toff they speak sounds that enter your ears but bypass your mind like the wrong exit on an empty highway. they speak thoughts that never synthesize into words. they speak impressions. hatted toff they tell you that your problems are all your own fault. sentry these voices sound like jerks. hatted toff ah, but that's noontime thinking. be still and hear the voice is creepy, so you believe it. 643643; all grown up a man is pushing a baby carriage containing what appears to be a very large guinea pig i guess this is it. time to say goodbye i found you in a field. little shivering ball of fur. raised you, fed you, kept you warm at night. you doubled in size every year. ate nothing but hair. howled on federal holidays. always smelled like a wet anthill. this is somewhat less than ideal the beast flies up into the air, revealing a large pair of frog legs in place of its hind legs so go! fly back to your strange kind! begone from our lives! the man is now alone with the carriage in the final panel come back if you get rich i'm sorry we could not see you through to the chrysalis stage but we simply do not have room in the garage for the cocoon 644644; the nocturnal imposter hans you were in my dream last night! phil no, i was safe and sound in my own bed. a synaptic construct that resembled me may have been in your dream last night. hans well, so far as my dream-self was concerned, it was you. and you did some weird stuff. phil but it wasn't me! it didn't have my childhood or my kinks or my aspirations or any of the unspoken fears that color the real me's daily decision-making. phil you invented a dream-me out of your personal, and thus by definition limited, understanding of who i am. anything that shadow-puppet did in the bony cavern of your imagination reflects not on me, but upon your perception of me. hans apparently deep down i consider you a psychopathic ostrich farmer. phil sure, i could see that. close your eyes and picture your dream-me is within two standard metaphor-derivations of how you really feel about me. 645645; a novel dining experience diane ooh, where are we going for dinner? rex i got a great tip on a tiny little place. super hip. super underground. you'll dig it. rex hello! two for dinner? liz where are you shoes rex uh?on our feet? liz what is problem with rex n-nothing we just came for dinner liz this is shoe repair. we repair shoe and shoe accessory rex i'm sorry, i thought this was a restaurant- liz sometime when we get skin for tan into leather, there is a strip of fat on this we make this a soup but only while you wait for shoe repair liz do you want this soup? is fifty dollar and include mending, re-sole of shoes rex y-yes please liz we are closed diane did we fail the speakeasy test or is this really a shoe place? rex let's knock again - you pretend to be a shoelace wholesaler while i try to sneak a peek inside dine in the yelp reviews for this place are all over the map. 646646; everybody gets one shot a year vittorio jennifer! didn't mum tell you not to play with that? jennifer shooting a bow and arrow aren't you forgetting? vittorio forgetting what? the lecture we both got last time? i think not! now come on, put that away and let's go inside. jennifer preparing to fire dante, a spaniel today is my birthday. i can do whatever i want she launches the dog vittorio you know, today is the dog's birthday too take a shot this is what he wanted as well 647647; a spoiler is alerted two men in tall hats looking at some very large birds hat man 1 ha, that's a weird-looking bird. hat man 2 looks kind of like the bad guy from 'steel agent 3'. hat man 1 oh, i haven't seen the third one. the villain is a bird? isn't it a jet li movie? hat man 2 yeah, spoiler alert- the villain's this giant robot, but at the end it turns out to be a bird in a-- hat man 1 interrupting whoa whoa whoa! that was not a spoiler alert! hat man 1 you don't say 'allergy alert, this chocolate has nuts in it' and then shove it down the person's throat! hat man 1 the purpose of a spoiler alert is to alert someone. to make them aware of the danger while there is time to avoid it. hat man 1 what if i'd just gotten steel agent 3 on netflix and was about to go home and watch it? give me a chance, dude! allow me to stop you if i need to! hat man 2 i'm sorry. i went about that whole conversation in a foolish way. i thought you would get that there is no steel agent 3 and that i was making a dumb joke about that bird. hat man 1 in the last ten seconds, that bird's opinion of both of us has dropped dramatically. reveal i made it up! stop googling 648648; what the puppet wanted terry check out my awesome new marionette! completely lifelike. fully articulated. accurate joint physics. terry faithfully-recreated goals. realistic dreams. comes with a full set of aspirations, that, as the puppeteer, you can fulfill or crush at your discretion. "i wanted to be an ice-cream flavor tester!" "not even a superstar! just a solid 9-to-5 at dreyer's that pays the bills." terry "i even got so far as taking the test. but it turns out i don't have any taste buds." "i am made of injection-molded plastic slapped with acrylic paint and cheap decals to appear alive." animated terry's puppet attacks zeke's leg in frustration. play around with the puppet is trying his best. 649649; joanne has big plans joanne ?and over here i'll be knocking through the wall to open the kitchen into the living room. it'll be fully open, but with a retractable bar that descends from the ceiling for parties, or just for breakfast. joanne upstairs, i'm turning the second bedroom into a fully skylit sunroom complete with floor-to-ceiling windows and a solar-heated lap pool? geoff upstairs? won't that be heavy? joanne i'm running new pillars up from the basement for support. probably reclaimed barnwood. joanne and rather than park our cars tandem, i'm installing a hoist that will store the cars one atop the other. long-term, i have plans to build a stadium-style rolling roof to protect our entire property from hailstorms. geoff wow, joanne, i had no idea you were so handy! joanne oh, i've never touched a drill in my life! i just watch the crap out of the diy channel. build equity i can get the whole thing done in an hour if i can just figure out how to get a montage 650650; the typographical terror horace ?i look around the store and i realize why i'm kind of dizzy. the sign on the counter is in comic sans. on the window it's copperplate gothic. and on the receipt it's monotype corsiva. monotype corsiva! so i said that's it! i'll never again patronize any business that uses any typeface i can recognize! giovanni you sound somewhat obsessed with fonts. horace typefaces. giovanni it's unhealthy! listen, here's my card. i'm a psychologist specializing in anxiety-causing obsessions. give me a call. horace looks at giovanni's card in horror. lead, kern or get out of the way papyrus. 651651; those volatile menu options ignacio is listening to the phone. voicemail your call is very important to us. please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed. for billing, press one. for sales, press two. for technical support, press pi. voicemail if you know your party's extension, you may dial it in reverse order using your touch-tone phone. to access a company directory, please hold your phone receiver over a stove and watch the patterns the steam makes when viewed against a dark background. voicemail to report a lost or stolen card, twist the receiver in opposite directions with both hands. have a resealable glass container nearby to catch the liquid that emerges from the earpiece. in a dark, quiet room, press your face against the mouth of the container and tell the liquid exactly what happened to your card. vivid memories are best. the good times your card enabled you to have. tell it all this, and seal it. voicemail let the liquid harden into a gel in a cool cupboard in seven to ten days, you will receive a packet of seeds. plant the seeds in the gel in the shape of a regular heptagon. ignacio looking nervous, thinks man, these options have changed please hold for your replacement card will come in the mail. the seeds are just to keep you occupied. they are actually just sand. we will bill the card we are sending for the sand. 652652; putting the 'indie' in 'inedible' nana do you want to make some cupcakes? mikey a kid yes! i've been craving cupcakes! nana great! let me get out the recipe - mikey recipes are for the masses. why do we have to be content with the recipe? why can't we do something different? nana we could put chocolate chips in the batter! mikey that is so childish and uninteresting! just following a formula! i'm talking about making art. taking risks. shocking the senses with something complex and uncomfortable. mikey nobody trusts the eater to be able to handle a cupcake with a darker, more unpleasant flavor! everyone wants chocolate and vanilla and sugar, sugar, sugar. life is not just sugar! real life has vinegar and mustard and salt! nana is - is it okay if i just want some regular cupcakes that taste good? mikey is it okay if i think you're simple break the mold hostess is the michael bay of cupcakes. 653653; mortality looms arthur standing on one foot on a chair finally! clarity! horrible, wretched, clarity! hortense honey, come to dinner. arthur dinner is an illusion! everything is an illusion! arthur everything i worked toward my whole life was an illusion. nothing is worth trusting. the universe is capricious and we should be terrified. and now it's too late! i've wasted my life! i was too blinded by happiness to realize how miserable should always have been! arthur life is chaos and pain! anyone who's not depressed is either deluded or an idiot! missy how'd arthur handle the big 4-0? hortense does it still count as a midlife crisis if i'm about to kill him power through having a midlife crisis at 40 is awfully presumptuous. 654654; cheese vintages jack 'aged cheddar.' so apparently there's crates of cheddar sitting around somewhere, just aging. what if society ends and no new cheddar is crated away to age? how would we remnants of humanity decide when to eat what limited supply remains? lois actually, philosophers call that the oenophile's quandary! presented with something that, over time, increases in quality (like wine) or in value (like money in a savings account), when's the right time to use it? if you're saving for a rainy day, how hard does it have to rain before that's it? and as the item gains worth, wouldn't it have to rain harder and harder before it makes sense to pop that cork? lois and isn't it good to exercise a healthy discipline of delayed gratification? if in doubt, save it? after all, you never know when you'll need that cheddar! like you said - the world ends, and now you're king! won't you be glad you showed restraint? later jack i talked to some philosophers, and none of them had heard of the 'oenophile's quandary'! lois oh, did i say philosophers? i meant my grandparents a cellar full of he ended up looking quite the fool at that philosophers' cocktail party. 655655; a boat is borrowed stevie thanks for letting me borrow your boat! jay of course! happy to! looks great! you got all the covers tied, all the lines coiled?everything's stowed perfectly! i didn't realize you were such a sailor! stevie oh, that's probably 'cause i never touched it at all this whole time beat. jay gives stevie a hard look. jay you begged me to lend you my boat and then you never? stevie i just wanted to see what it would feel like to be the kind of person who had a boat jay and how did stevie interrupting pretty okay, actually! roleplay one week earlier 'now be careful! don't go sailing too close to the rocks!' 'i promise!' 656656; the gullible salesman ross i would like to sell you a bottle of gullible. eleanor no thanks, i'm pretty sure i have plenty. ross no! not like this! this is a brand-new, stronger-formula, super-gullible! ross decades of scientific research have gone into making this the strongest, most potent gullible ever. previously available only to industry professionals, i'm pleased to offer it now in a new, ultra-concentrated form ten times more potent than any gullible you already have. eleanor but i don't need any gullible! ross maybe not for you, but if friends come over? eleanor i was minding my own business in my own house! i resent having to defend myself against this pitch! ross that's why you need new gullible megamax. it puts an immediate end to problems. eleanor well?is there a discount if i get a case? ross there are actually severe civil penalties if you buy any less than a vat. believe it or it's just a vat of old, watery mayonnaise. and by god, i bought it, i'm gonna find a use for it 657657; the negotiator horace yelling at a piece of paper, a stone, and a pair of scissors stop fiiiightiiiing one, two, three, has anyone ever done a roshambo/rashomon crossover? ?i won? ?no, *i* won? 658658; suspicion is aroused dwight sits at evie?s bedside. dwight honey, i want to talk to you about something very serious. evie thinking oh no he found the ketchup collection evie thinking wait, no?i got rid of those last year to make room for the baby knives. the baby knives! so hard to explain! aahh! evie thinking hold on. if he?d found the baby knives then he?d be keeping much farther away from me. that can only mean?jiminy christmas he found the marshmallow room dwight i think our daughter might be a cyborg sent from the future to exterminate humanity. she is. evie oh whew is that all resistance is i knew no child of mine could be this interested in discussing camshaft maintenance! 659659; o theoretical saviors james i- i was playing with my truck? a-and it fell into a puddle and got muddy? why do these things happen, daddy? why is the world full of misery? anton think of it this way. in an infinite theoretical future, we've mastered time travel a million times over, right? that means than an infinite number of time travelers have already come back to fix everything that needed fixing. they've created the best possible universe for us! anything bad that still happens must have been a compromise to prevent something even worse. james but if humanity lasts long enough to master time travel, then wouldn't we be overrun with time travelers? doesn't the fact that we're not mean that humanity is doomed? anton we are overrun with time travelers, sweetie pie. you just don't recognize them. anton all ants are actually humans from the future. resource scarcity will not be kind to our evolution. james this is just another trick to try and get me to worship ants have faith in dads!! so full of tricks!! 660660; the short-lived job woman congrats on the new job! ack argg bluh i'm so nervous! what if they think i'm weird? or start throwing things or want to "roughhouse"? what if they ask me about football woman you're a smart guy. you can analyze the situation. deduce how to act natural. social interaction is just a word problem with lots of variables. approach cautiously, experiment, gather data, adapt! that's all fine but what about projectiles woman calm down. when in doubt, just ask yourself what would the mythbusters do? our man peeks from behind his desk chair at work. a pig has been hung from the ceiling by its hind leg, dangling in the space our man would occupy, were he sitting. a colleague stands in front of the desk, looking on, bemused. test it out alt-test i knew it they think i'm weird 661661; an opinion is solicited morrissey a large pugilist now you listen to me, monsarto! things work a certain way 'round here! we fixin' to keep it so! monsarto his victim, weakly it?it ain't right morrissey whassat? whassat? i'm sorry, did i hear you say something? monsarto? monsarto no no please i renounce my idealism a mangled monsarto glen would you like to fill out a survey about your experience? write back to leave a comment on my fist 662662; a dangerous stereotype vinny haw, look at that nerd! bet he's never seen a naked woman before! claudio go back to your mom's basement, dorkasaurus! sheldon now hold on just a minute! sheldon are we still doing this? seriously? this stereotype is still clinging to life? first, the "nerds are all frustrated virgins" thing. some of the nerdiest people i know are highly sexual women. and millions of nerds have spouses twice as nerdy as they are. and the mom's basement thing? the nerds i know live in geodesic domes or multi-story treehouses or, at the very least, condos with garages big enough to hold their trebuchets. sheldon as as for being socially maladjusted - well, guilty. but doesn't everyone have some sort of neurosis? better a little shy than, say, obsessed with celebrity, or addicted to drugs, or running around murdering people with axes. really, you talk about socially awkward virgins living in their moms' basements - you're talking about serial killers. evan an axe murderer now hold on just a minute! stand up and be in their defense, he really is a superdorkasaurus. 663663; they are dolphins edgar strolls along in his snazzy dolphin pants. he comes across flip, wearing the same. <> edgar i?i thought i was the only one! flip only one what find your place there is always someone worse than you 664664; spite is the father of invention mario the secret to avoiding parking tickets is to look like you already have a parking ticket. he gestures to an envelope marked violation on his windshield. with an envelope already under your wiper, you can park anywhere you want! ambrose but won't the officer making the rounds know whether he's given you one? won't he check the date and time of the existing citation? mario let him! he'll find a citation with today's date for this exact point on the street. photoshop lets me customize it for anywhere i park. ambrose so you plan out where you're going to illegally park and print fake citations ahead of time? or do you just print a dozen citations every morning for whatever times you think you might need? mario yeah, i've got a macro. it's actually not that much trouble once you make it a habit. ambrose ?you realize you're probably spending more on paper and ink and time than the actual citations would cost. mario ah, but ruining one's own life by choice is the very definition of liberty. take time for 'can you believe mario carries around a box of pre-printed tickets everywhere he goes?' 'i know, what a moron! i just keep a color printer plugged into the cigarette lighter.' 665665; seconds before the elopement diane ?baby, this is going to be your wedding, too! what do you want? bart you've been asking me that for months and i think i finally have the answer. a courtroom sketch artist. bart think about the weddings we've attended recently. apparently everybody believes the event will be criminally under-documented. everyone's watching the ceremony through their camera. might as well be watching on tv. at our wedding, we collect cameras at the door. we frisk people. bart that way, the attendees can actually be present! meanwhile, the sketch artist will sit in the corner and capture impressions of the ceremony. later on we'll send everybody a booklet of the drawings. moments filtered in chalk, not razor-sharp photos of everybody's dandruff. diane i see the appeal, but there's a strange stilted undercurrent of being treated like criminals at our wedding. bart fine, new idea - we dress like bank robbers and the minister is the flustered bank manager. the attendees all have to like on the floor and be very quiet no heroes take it in at we do it in a bank and we rob the bank 666666; a patent is filed inventor behold the quadboot! inventor the realization of a lifelong ambition! inventor four independently-actuated ground-contacting sub-shoes. brushless gear assembly with hot-swappable drive bearings. double camshaft connected to a fully magnetic differential. inventor friction-recapturing inner flywheel. water-resistant to 18 meters. sixty-seven individual servomotors. bluetooth built into the heel. other guy why would you make this inventor well, i tried not making it, but that didn't work get to work 'i don't think your product has a market.' / 'well, that's good, because i don't want anybody else to have one.' 667667; the delight is in finding reasons diane okay, i've hired the sketch artist for our wedding! and bought little drawing pads for all the tables at the reception. bart you know, i got to thinking?there's something hyperreal about an obsessively-photographed event. closeup of a photo of the two of them. bart off-panel each picture is a moment with its own unique vantage point. taken collectively, they're a document more comprehensive, more detail-sensitive, than any participant's actual experience. bart we'll be up front hearing people cough and shuffle around, while cameras all around us are capturing instants, preserving the most fleeting of glances, showing us (and those to come after us) more than we could ever notice on our own. in a way, the day when everyone gathers and performs the ceremony is simply a run-through for the cameras. the documentary evidence is what lasts forever. diane one week ago you were exactly as impassioned about exactly the opposite. bart turns out i just like formulating arguments! now let me explain i insist that you believe me, every time, forever 668668; it's the one thing i know mike so, ah, how is it? does it work okay? boris it's a compass. it works fine. does all the usual compass stuff. mike i hope you like it! boris sure! it's?nice! it can be my backup compass. for?the car. it can be my third backup car compass. that's important! mike oh, i was worried you already had one! darn it! boris well, i'm, uh?i'm a circleologist, mike. i have about a hundred compasses. boris most of which have come from you. mike i just never know what to get people. the thought that counts at circleology is like a more superstitious version of circleonomy. 669669; the printout read 'scale' victor [holding a?pool cue?] have you ever been in a situation that was just a little bit unsettling, just barely enough to get the pit of your stomach seizing up like a fist clenching but only weakly like an arthritic fist victor but then the fist takes some supplements or something and it starts squeezing harder and harder and you realize that the situation is getting worse not better and at this rate it looks like it really might keep getting worse without ever recovering, i mean it passes that point victor and you very seriously start to consider that this is it. this is how i am going to die. it was going to happen eventually, and it's now. my time is just up. because?i feel that way now. maurice [holding a large eel] have you ever felt that way but then relayed that your good friend knows way more about having fun than you do so you should just trust him for once? victor i've made lots of bad decisions, yeah the machine reads he had been to a machine that predicted his death. receiving 'scale,' he kept himself trim and avoided shipyards and truckstops. and then, when maurice entered the room with his large eel, his blood froze. 670670; the matter of the envelopes milo have you seen the envelopes? i thought i left them right here. delia dunno, i thought they were here too! milo here they are. delia weird. i wonder how they got over there? milo and they?re covered with dust! this thing hasn?t been touched in ages! milo spooky! delia woooo! milo woooooooo!! both woooo-woo-woo-wooo! both hahahaha sylvie a ghost man what?s a ghost gotta do to wet some pants around here look all around for do these people not hold envelopes as sacred as i think??? 671671; the matter of the envelopes, pt.2 milo we are haunted by the worst ghost! all she can think to do is move envelopes around. delia well, of course. she?s ethereal. pots and pans are too heavy for her spectral fingers. envelopes are much more her speed. sylvie who dares? who dares? sylvie you think i?m limited to moving envelopes? huh? i have seen horrors in the netherworld you can scarcely imagine! wretched beasts rent limb from limb shrieking in pain while other beasts cackle! oh, i can think of some horrible things, all right. i can make life miserable! milo did you hear something? delia i don?t know?maybe like a cricket farting or something? sylvie next time i?m gonna scatter some paperclips see how you like it then take on the mighty at they will be everywhere and you will have to pick them up 672672; the matter of the envelopes, pt.3 milo we think our house is being haunted by an ineffective ghost. bruce let me commune with the energies of the departed. please lower the lights - yes. yes. i feel the presence of an energy from beyond this world! sylvie please tell them that i used to live here, and my spirit has become attached to the memories of the office supplies i used to have... bruce she was a traveler. taken in by a hog rancher back when this used to be farmland? sylvie what? no, i lived in the seventies - i had this great bakelite phone - bruce she was an exiled princess on the run from the belgian royal guard?she hid in the bar with the hogs and was killed by the captain, who had once loved her but was bound by his duty? sylvie i sold ballpoint pens door-to-door from my nash metropolitan bruce we will need to perform a complex and incredibly expensive musical exorcism. luckily, i just happen to be in a band! we can probably squeeze you in between our incredibly important gigs in the courts of popes worldwide sylvie i? sylvie i'm a princess? sense the spirit of there is much that goes unremembered in these situations 673673; the matter of the envelopes, pt.4 bruce singing, dancing amid pigs swinging from chains we chant the night away and then we set the pigs swinging' the squeal of pigs in harmony in undead ears is ringing' no ghost we know or see or hear is welcome 'neath this roof we gonna getcha ghosts out like a dirty stinky tooth hugo also dancing tooth! bruce we get them ghosts out with an exorcism proper they gonna make like arnie gonna get to the choppa milo why are we doing this? delia because it's hilarious sing along to 'we have been compared to wagner' 674674; the matter of the envelopes, pt.5 milo honey, have you seen the envelopes? delia yeah, they're right on the table - milo ah, yes. right - right where i left them. the afterlife. rene, a soldier, stands watch. sylvie approaches rene. sylvie hey. remember he has wandered the globe, a restless spirit, haunted by his act, his betrayal of his one true love. he is about to spend the rest of eternity learning everything there is to know about the three-hole punch. 675675; a conversation is ended a mother accosts a couple who is doing something else. mother we're here with my son! he's learning to skate and needed a certain type of kneepad. it's only sold in five stores in this part of the state and the one here was the only one that carried it in extra-small! mother we found the pads but by then it was so late in the day that we decided to stay in a hotel instead of driving back home. at first taylor didn't want to stay but i said "you can skate more tomorrow" and he said "hotel please!" do not care who are you mother he takes so much after his father, you know, he's always-- genetic inheritance! a tricky subject! the transmission disequillibrium test is one way to measure the over-transmission of an allele from heterozygous parents to affected offspring! do you know your son's haplotype? woman i will never make fun of you for memorizing wikipedia again. i can bore anybody. #675; a conversation is ended i have been a misanthrope a long time. i have this down. 676676; a bug brings ruin #676; a bug brings ruin <> large bug with pincers in foreground, city in turmoil in background, aeroplanes, miniature automobile man with cloak to man in top hat hey! you a weird bug! lookit how weird this bug is! passersby join fray, one lady with bird on hat, or robin hood disembodied voices from nether ain't he weird? that a weird bug! man with cloak whaddaya doin weird bug why you so weird weird bug weird bug weird bug weird bug same city backgrond; bug, alone, with outsized levitating mirror, dejectedly evaluates self with displeasure <> infest its tears wash the city out to sea 677677, much musing about pumpkin fran pumpkin cookies! dwight ah, pumpkin! the autumn-specific treat! why are pumpkin dishes so seasonal? fran because pumpkins grow in the fall? dwight sure, the first person to eat a pumpkin probably did s because it was there. it was a crisp october day?the only sound the crunching of leaves and the slightly squishier sound of the very first pumpkin being et. dwight but now pumpkins are cultivated. we buy them from india. you could get a pumpkin on valentine's day, if you wanted. fran (hint, hint) dwight the demand for pumpkins was such that an industry grew up around them. we wanted this seasonal thing so much, we made it no longer seasonal. yet we still pretend that we can only eat pumpkin at certain times of year. dwight i'm sure that's a profound metaphor for something. fran it's a metaphor for how some people will go to any absurd length to make every cookie into a metaphor. kind of like do you even know what a metaphor is 678678; a cat is loved andrew petting his cat whoozums loves me? whoozums loves me? lookit that little face. lookit that little smile! deb that's just the shape of her mouth. cats can't actually smile. andrew dat's okay. dat's okay that a wiggles can't actually smile. i know she loves me yes she does! deb how do you know? all you have to go on are anthropomorphized cues. she seems affectionate, she seems friendly, but she is an animal and likely does not understand the concept of love as humans define it. andrew you said it - she acts affectionate and friendly, and i'm satisfied with that. however, her cashew-sized cat brain may be conceptualizing the situation as immaterial, since our existing relationship is perfectly serviceable. functionally, she loves me! wiggles the cat, thinking man, this reverse-psychology approach is getting me nowhere good enough dear mr malki while i enjoy your work it is incredibly obvious to everybody that you would rather be writing a parody strip titled 'incredibly verbose garfield' 679679; the ol' mushy headbutt agnes would you like some headbutts? jules no thank you. agnes heaaadbuutts jules trying to do something thank you agnes i am trying to do something too and it is heaaaadbuuutts <> jules agck jules worst headbutt ever. agnes well it stayed out too long! they got more snap when they're fresh! touch skulls with picture his hands, just off-panel, vigorously driving an imaginary race car through all manner of treacherous turns and switchbacks. now read the second panel again. 680680; boggle by attrition boggle hour 5 a man and two women are seated around a table okay, i've got "glond." anybody else? glond? woman #1 that's not a word sure it is! means "to lie convincingly." archaic, but it's in the oed. do you want me to dig out the dictionary again? woman#2 for pete's sake just let him have it so we can get on with it okay. so from glond i also have glonds, as in "he glonds." anybody? glonds? woman #2 no nobody has glonds okay, then next i have glonder and glondee. also glonded, glonding, and glondt which is of course the purperfect "he had glondt" plus all the variants "he will have glonden", "he would have ben glondering" ... no present subjunctive, though, no "k" on the board. so tallying up all the conjugations, that's eighty-seven points. woman #2 you're telling me you got all those but you missed glondxhatzoljlg? aw geez! i was staring right at it, too! quickly spell so far in this game, laurence has identified twenty-four previously-unknown terms for 'to lie convincingly.' 681681; ill-thought-out melon-thievery ivan pardon me, sir. sig what? what is it? i'm trying to shop! ivan i'm sorry to bother you. it's just...it appears that you are attempting to steal watermelons? sig we now see his bulging pants how dare you! sig i have globular thigh disorder! it's a very rare condition that renders my thighs the exact shape of watermelons! it's miserable to live with! ivan sorry, sir. we just have to check when it seems... sig seems what? i am discriminated against enough without your petty accusations on top of it all! ivan you have our full apology. alicia so did you steal them watermelons? sig naw, i couldn't on account of my globular thighs swell up to he'd gotten halfway to the market before the swelling started up again. 'well,' he thought to himself, 'let's see if i can still pull this off.' he couldn't -- either the plan, or, later at home, his pants. 682682; monkey box and its ilk a man is reading a newspaper, and a woman is standing infront of him for no obvious reason. listen to this. "the murder then fled to a hotel in monkey box, florida." monkey box florida. the name of the town is monkey box. woman you know what, though? probably doesn't mean anything to them. if you've been saying "monkey box" all your life, it doesn't mean a box of monkeys. it's just syllables. woman i mean, you grew up in riverside. was there a river in riverside? i think there used to be. back before the scare. woman or like greenland, or st. louis, or paris. no one thinks about what the words mean anymore. what does paris mean? woman "more than one pari." man what is a pari? woman it's like a block in fencing. so paris is named after a fencing term? woman more than one fencing terms. you know, this conversation was going pretty okay until you got out of your depth but didn't stop talking. woman touch?. south of paris. suburb. let's call it that sound you just heard was the four diehard fencers who read wondermark just gasping in delight 683683; a line of questioning is halted rhonda sammy! i heard you had some smart-aleck questions about santa! sammy some serious questions! and some puzzling doubts! rhonda ?so let me head 'em off! santa claus?he's just me, you hear? i'm all there is! rhonda there ain't no fat man in a big red suit. i mean there's men, in malls around the world, but they ain't santa. they're just doubles. decoys. like saddam. agents. puppets on a string. on my string. rhonda you listen close i make all the toys. i give them out to boys and girls everywhere. i watch 'em all closely to see who's eaten' their greens and who's actin' out. me. and i put in fifty hours a week at the windshield place. that part you know about. now you know why i'm so tired. that settle it? no more questions? sammy but - that makes even less logical sense than him being a separate entity! rhonda then your mind's gonna explode when you figure out i am the tooth fairy and the easter bunny and the birthday frog too do it all for all the children in the world. as part of my community service 684684; the help is not helpful norm is horrified by a small figure, its head a deer skull's, riding a bicycle norm what is this?! i asked you to bring me back a typewriter! johnny i?i thought you said bike rider norm why would i want a bike rider? and what kind of bike rider is this, anyway? it's all?creepy! eww! johnny i dunno. i thought it was a weird request so i figured i'd get the weirdest bike rider they had norm go back and get me a typewriter shortly norm confronts a typewriter which happens to be the head of a harlequin dancer norm where are you getting these things because it is the wrong place pick me up some my dad makes em 685685; a treat to look forward to eric you wanted to see me, professor? dr. monroe yes. about your essay. "john grote and the utilitarian philosophy"? eric of course! the one i wrote very hard! dr. monroe just out of curiosity, i put a few key phrases into google. "an examination of the utilitarian philosophy" by john grote was published in 1870. it is word-for-word identical to your essay. eric 1870?? oh my gosh! do you realize what this means?! professor! eric at some point in the future eric whispering i will go back in time look up i will begin writing under my future-pseudonym at once! oh look i've already written an entire bookshelf! 686686; the taylors leave a shadow #686; the taylors leave a shadow three gentlemen in top hats man 1 ...it's our first holiday season in the new house. super nice, super cozy. and then we get the first card. a holiday card addressed to the prior occupants, the taylors. man 1 no big deal, we thought. we returned it to sender. but then we got another. and another. and another. forty-eight, before we lost count. man 2 criminy! the taylors must have been prolific carders themselves. nobody receives that many cards unless they send twice as many. man 1 right. and we figured they'd probably still be sending all these people cards of their own. man 1 so we did too. irate looking gentleman with side whiskers looking at a card; next to him is a woman recipient huh, we got two cards from the taylors this year. wife duplicates? recipient well, one is a regular card...but the other says, 'we are the only true taylors all others are space alien imposters.' in a font that looks like...blood drips? greetings from the most legitimizing of all fonts 687687; santa appears at last laurence guess who's here, kids! santa claus! santa ho ho ho! merry christmas! kids yaaaayyyyy emma oh, laurence. you did it! you really found a santa! where?how?? laurence i know some people who know some people. i told you i'd handle it! santa off-panel were you kids good this year? did you eat sufficient numbers of plants? kids also off-panel we ate some plants santa santa is very concerned with your cellulose intake! it's how he tracks you! i've also brought some pickled marzipan! its horridness will stimulate your bile ducts and make you smell less appetizing to the stingroaches i have also brought you. you should start taking their venom in small doses now, while you are still larval. be cautious! they are not tame. laurence stick to the script. santa now revealed to be our friend gax i'm the one doing you the favor here! he knows when you've been to becoming immune to stingroach venom will help you stay conscious through the cleansing. (christmas is a bit different on gax.) 688688; the lion wins arvid agk stevie mister? what happened? what's wrong? arvid i just got a seizing pain in my gut! that can only mean one of two things! arvid either my identical twin brother - with whom i share a strange and unexplained psychic bond - is about to come to severe physical harm or my massive multinational organization is about to have its global strategy dictated by the signers of an internet petition! elsewhere lance arvid's twin, attacking a lion stop makin' eyes at my sammich feels like spoiler alert it's the former 689689; the tale of the clipper league twig my documentary follows a group of people who cut up the packaging from the food they eat each week. then they get together and invent games to play with the cut-up pieces. the movie julio ?nope! i nullify your raisin bran attack with my lean cuisine ingredients list! that's fifty points and now, you have to go outside! vlad you just played a hungry-man last turn! you're making up rules again. we haven't voted on lean cuisines yet. darla and i found it fascinating to see that these four actually broke off from a larger group that was using non-food packaging as well! twig well, y'know. if you believe in something, you have to take a stand join up with feelings were hurt. marriages were ruined. at least one car was totaled. and now finally we can do this right. 690690; a tag is utterly obscured gregg seeing that the word "poop" has been spraypainted on his house ah! graffiti! gregg this will not stand! got to take care of this! later gregg walking away with a can of paint and a roller there. much better! we see that he has simply painted over the tag, and "poop" is just as visible in gregg's touchup work. write on perfect. 691691; thirty seconds before the town is eaten diane so this him? the werewolf? guillermo quickly, before the moon rises...bring the silver! drive it through his heart! ed now, to answer your question yes, we will be executing him. bethany has the silver dagger. bethany? bethany i...uhh... bethany funny story! it was in the silverware drawer, but i said "that's not right. it's an enchanted dagger." so i moved it. moved it somewhere that made sense. bethany somewhere i'd be sure to remember. somewhere...somewhere not the silverware drawer. somewhere. ed bethany! the moon is coming out! bethany no wait okay so what i did bring was everything else in that drawer so everybody should just grab a fork and we can play "testing for alloys!" turn into bethany is always careful to never announce a problem without offering an alternative solution. 692692; a mouse is angry jorge a frog hi how are ya gwendolyn a mouse angry. go away. jorge angry huh why you angry gwendonly it doesn't matter. i'd rather be left alone, thank you. jorge well you ain't starving in a ditch so i say you should be happy gwendolyn is it really such a crime to want to own a negative emotion now and then? i don't plan on staying angry for the rest of my life. just let me be angry for an hour! god! beat jorge no problem i'll wait gwendolyn aaarrgghhhh simmer at parasol right up the nose 693693; nothing is appreciated becca i didn't appreciate that waiter giving us attitude. juan i don't appreciate you assuming that everyone is giving you attitude. becca i don't appreciate you challenging my assumption! juan well i don't appreciate you talking ill of strangers! becca i don't appreciate you insinuating that i'm being a jerk! juan i don't appreciate you being a jerk! becca well i don't properly appreciate all the things you do for me and the crap you put up with! juan well i don't appreciate the many freedoms and privileges afforded by living in a post-industrial society! appreciate in fact the only thing appreciating at all around here is this honus wagner baseball card *rip to shreds* 694694; freedom comes at a cost the first guy nuts! i forgot to medicate myself at noon. what time is it now? billy dunno! i don't have a watch. the first guy well, check your phone. billy don't have one of those either. the first guy how do you keep track of time? billy there's no place i have to be so precisely. the first guy how do people get ahold of you? billy there's no one i need to talk to so urgently. the first guy ...i don't know if that's pathetic or noble! billy meekly i just have nothing to do wait around for the first guy left his own phone in a swamp. it's better when he remembers the pills. 695695; percy wins abideen i say! percy whippersnuggin! is that you? whatever happened to you, my good man? you simply vanished! and now look at you! percy it is indeed i percy i got tired of trying to measure up to you cool kids and just went off on my own! kept my insecurities to myself and managed to get by. abideen but?we always looked up to you! we thought you were the cool one! percy well i am now return to watch the hands!! i see you creeping ever-closer!!! 696696; the chilling case of were-cat were-cat count twiggy when the moon hangs full...when its cratered surface spews maddening light upon the midnight land below...this becomes a cat! flip what is it the rest of the time? count twiggy a cat turn into on warm, bright days, were-cat mysteriously transforms into sleepy sunbeam cat 697697; fame finally arrives larry honey! you'll never believe it! it's incredible! they love me! jeanne who loves you? for what? how could they? larry you remember that video. of me. from 1992. jeanne the one where you thrashed around making larry interrupting-making boat noises for nineteen minutes! yes! yes! precisely! somebody found it. everybody found it! it has eight million views on youtube! larry they made a dance mix from my tugboat sounds! then pretty girls with ukuleles did covers of the dance mix. honey. andy samberg played me on snl. making boat noises. they love me. they want what i got. larry stands outside, hawking his self-promoting merchandise. salty actually what we loved was your lack of self-awareness. comeback time for the video is called 'wagner's ring cycle as performed by a tugboat' 698698; spencer goes home alone spencer come on, cynthia. show's over. let's go back home. cynthia i have taken root. cynthia my dress has pressed itself firmly into the voids in the wicker seat-backs. my stockings have wound themselves about the chair-legs. even the ribbons in my shoes have drilled deep into the earth at my feet. i don't imagine i'll be leaving for a while, if ever. you may wish to come back in twenty years to sit in my shade. bring a picnic. spencer so that's it, then? you're planted here? we see one play and you decide this is where you're settling down? cynthia i will flourish here! the soil is rich with nitrates! better than that carpeting in your apartment! spencer i sprinkled manure on that carpet every week for you! cynthia don't pretend that forgetting to clean the cat box was some sort of master plan stay awhile your tears are only watering me spencer 699699; conquering the only enemy matt [speaking to his reflection in a mirror] you can't do it. you're not good enough. you're not talented. you're entirely pedestrian. matt i'm tired of being told i can do anything i can put my mind to. don't really want the pressure anymore. lola so you're just giving up? matt not giving up. carving a way out. if i tell myself "you can do it!" then i'm just inviting guilt when i inevitably don't. but if i say "you can't do it" then i create the opportunity to prove myself wrong. matt my psyche is liable to push me into success. simply to spite itself. do what works i'll either succeed, or i'll be vindicated! win-win 700700; each dollar gets a nickname otto sometimes i wonder about my money. do i still have the first dollar i ever made? is it still at the bottom of my checking account? i've never emptied it completely. otto or do the oldest dollars get spent first? keep them from moldering? case that first dollar must be super-long-gone. not much i can do about it now. eugene what are you talking about. eugene bank accounts are just numbers in a computer. they're a representational fiction, not discrete objects. it's all imaginary. otto so i do still have my first dollar? if it's all imaginary, then i imagine that i have it. who's to tell me any different? otto in fact i decide that i still have all the significant dollars from my lifetime! my first paycheck and my first fiction sale and that refund i got from the irs for being handsome! eugene when did you get a refund for being handsome? otto when i just imagined it remember old a fiat currency deserved fiat history 701701; the karma of currency otto since money in a credit-based economy is essentially fictional anyway...and there is no way to track individual discrete dollars as they move through the system...it follows that wholly invented backstories for every dollar are completely valid by virtue of being impossible to disprove. otto so, earlier, when i swiped my debit card in the cab, i transferred to the driver part of henry ford's profit from the sale of the first model t. later, i bought a bag of fun-size snickers with the same dollar thomas jefferson used to buy point-oh-seven square miles of louisiana! eugene no! eugene the dollars in jefferson's and ford's times were on the gold standard! they corresponded to specific lumps of metal in fort knox! your arrogant attempt to place yourself at the crossroads of history must begin in 1933 at the earliest! otto then you won't mind in the least if i pay you back for the lunch with tainted 1919 black sox dollars...? eugene w-well let's not be rash remake a buck every george washington wears a little striped jersey 702702; the manufacture of anxiety eugene what's this i hear about you redeeming money? redeeming it for what? otto not in a transactional sense, but in a moral sense. [he hands hilda a slip of paper] thank you, here's your receipt. otto all our money has a history. bribes paid to politicians...hush money paid to victims...drugs and even human beings bought and sold...that money makes its way into our banks. it carries negativity with it. someone's starting a business, or buying toys for their baby? they don't want iran-contra money. they want nice money. money with positive energy. eugene so you're...exchanging it for them? otto redeeming it. [to dave] ah, yes. looks like these dollars in your account were once used for a hooker binge on a ceo's yacht. right now i have einstein's patent office wages for a 15% commission - or jfk's pulitzer prize winnings for twenty. dave definitely give me jfk. eugene if what you're doing was at all real, it would be called money laundering. otto well since it isn't, then it isn't. trade in for peace of mind is really the only product in the world. 703703; thus endeth the business eugene visiting otto in the hospital what happened? your ridiculous money-redemption scheme was going so well! otto too well. i flew too high, too close to the sun. i got on some radars. otto five men in pinstriped suits. didn't play around. eugene gangsters? otto wall street bankers. they said - <> otto narrating the flashback of the assault they said, "we hear you've been collecting money for the act of shuffling imaginary things around. we hear you're being a worthless parasite, inventing new ways to enrich yourself while adding nothing to the value of the world!" otto then, wham! bottle to the face! they worked me over but good! otto then they leaned in real close over my broken body and whispered "stay off our turf." cash out on the bright side, the blood transfusion i got was made up of atoms that were probably once alexander the great! 704704; advice is shouted billy ...so i was thinking we'd have cindy cater. she can bring one of her bartenders. audrey the venue has chairs and tables and all that stuff. billy oh! and kendra's friend is a dj with his own equipment! larry don't need a dj! just play pandora from a laptop! <> billy we don't even know you. larry doesn't mean i don't got opinions! allow me to explain look, i know it's your own life and all, but why wasn't i consulted about every detail of it 705705; something is strange hans chatting, walking, with claude ...so i toss the baby in the air and it's gone. i mean poof. vanished. cloud of something like flour comes raining down on our heads. hans then the dog starts barking. piano starts playing by itself. bam! my tea freezes over. flour hits the ground and it's spiders. little white spiders running around like mad. we want to scream but none of us can stop farting they pass alice, wearing a man's 3-piece suit. hans what's the deal with that weirdo. experience the spiders burrowed into the carpet and when we woke up the whole house was inside a whale 706706; evil is banished jakesy can you still hear him? the demon? annie just barely. scratching a little or - i don't know. could be your footsteps echoing. could be water dripping. could be my heartbeat. he may have returned to hades. jakesy we must pray this is so! vargonath a demon dude screw you annie every now and then there's, like, a gasp, pr some sort of weird shuffling? vargonath i can still totally hear both of you. still right here. still gonna possess you. in - in a bit. jakesy ?but the threat is surely over. annie yes, i think filling our ears with wax probably banished him for good. jakesy sorry, i couldn't see your lips. could you repeat that? vargonath she said you are both idiots listen to i am gonna possess you and make a challenge out of making people look up to you. 707707; a breakthrough is made clara oh, barbara! james is a writer! look at him create from his brain! i wonder what he's writing! something about me, probably! barbara a load o' rubbish mos' likely. all fulla monsters what never existed an' other lies similar. clara i wonder if i will be immortalized as a heroine in one of his magical tales of the fantastic! a princess slaying a deadly dragon to save her people from mass devouring! barbara ain't no such animal in life. dragon's an easy villain. all hoarding gold an' breathing flames-like. strength of a lion with motives of a man. no such beast in creation! barbara fiction is the creation of falsehoods for the delusion of children. this james is half a man, he's written' some useful tract on a better way to plow a field or such james's work revealed a doodle labeled "half-elephant half bat half tank call government" make it real any princess who can tame this beast deserves to rule a nation. 708708; everything needs a metric rudy nice haircut! ken thanks, you too! i love my barber. he just knows my hair. it's amazing what he can do. rudy do you go to some expensive place? i can never justify spending more than about eight dollars on a haircut. haircuts make me anxious. ken maybe it's because you're not getting sufficient haircut value! here's how i figure the math on the subject... ken [narrating an illustrated mathematical formula] if you spend eight bucks and the haircut looks good for two weeks, that cut has a haircut value index of point five seven. ken [still narrating] but if i spend forty dollars on a primo haircut that'll look good for two months, that has an h.v.i. of point six five. when you amortize the cost over how long you'll look sharp, it's not so expensive after all! arvid i cut my own hair with an old steak knife that i dip in tractor oil are you telling me you can place a value on that ken i - i do admit that the model cannot accommodate a divide-by-zero error look great most things you do with tractor oil don't really fit into traditional ways of thinking about haircuts 709709; cracks in the metric rudy listen! i got a bone to pick with you and your haircut value index! ken yes, well, clearly something has gone shockingly awry rudy your math is all backwards! i went and got me a hundred-dollar haircut that looked great for twelve hours! h.v.i. of 200! now look at me! ken [narrating the math again] uh, well, you see, h.v.i. is merely a comparison metric to help you see how haircuts of different prices match up! it, uh, can't help you find the very best value haircut in the world or anything like that! that'd be a free haircut that looks good forever. that limit goes to infinity. zombies take over the planet and your corpse still looks great, that sort of thing. forget it. it's unachievable! arvid the tractor oil turned sentient and my hair is looking more amazing by the minute rudy boy it looks like you're just wrong about everything today hold on, you can't just redefine math to support your argument 710710; the cracks widen robert see, here's the problem. the haircut value index isn't an index at all! in fact you can realize this just by looking at the units. the more you spend, the higher the h.v.i. - and the more time you spend looking good, the lower the h.v.i. so really i think what you described is more of a haircut cost index. ken i just wanted to help people ken now it's all ken it's all falling apart at the seams ken i take pride in my haircuts! i want to get good value from them! i'm not a mathematician, robert! i barely an aesthetician. but now i'm ruining people's lives! i inverted a fraction and people are dying. they're dying in the streets! i don't know how to stop it! i don't know how to make it right! robert come on, ken. nobody's dying from a haircut ken they're not dying from a haircut they're dying from a severe stab would that i inflicted go too far t-this isn't really about haircuts anymore, is it, ken 711711; the miserable fawn daphne hey! hey there, little one! don't be shy! what's the matter? what's the matter, little baby deer? gordy a fawn oh, you know?every day i'm increasingly angry at myself for being unable to fulfill the promises i whisper into my pillow in the dead of night gordy "tomorrow," i insist. "finally, tomorrow will be the day. mark down today, for it is during this sleep that the old you dies. tomorrow will be different. at last." daphne you have a pillow? gordy well i'm not a savage time to do i keep the 600-thread-count sheets in the linen closet because i don't deserve them 712712; all organs are approximated helen gax, would you like a cookie? gax oh, thank you, but no. in truth, i'm a diabetic. helen are you just saying that so you don't have to eat my cookies? gax i assure you, helen what you would term my pancreas does not secrete enough insulin to allow me to handle what you would term your cookies. it's a condition. helen i don't know, why can't you just shapeshfit your pancreas back into health? morph those cells around until it works again? gax do you take me for a fool? upon receiving the diagnosis, do you not think that was the first thing i tried? that night gax rrrrrgghh turn sugar into well, something shifted and now i have a desperate urge to poop out all my ribs 713713; jordan damascus, private eye jordan damascus private eye tm jordan "i'll solve your case, or the next one's free!" hugo damascus! the mayor's crown jewels have been stolen! jordan hmm! i'm certain that old baker macready did it! hugo brilliant! but why? what would his motive be? jordan most likely to power his croissant bakery with perpetually clean-burning jewel energy! after a lengthy, expensive trial hugo i expect our next case will be free. jordan you can't get your next one free because this one was free from last time sleuth around jordan damascus gets most of his business from the phone book. not really from referrals. 714714; an insignificant detail umberto do you know that i have a magical eye! it can see pain! it can see guilt! it can see everything you would rather hide from your grandpa! umberto i wish to peer into your inmost being with this aforementioned magical eye. don't be self-conscious! just act normal! umberto mmm yes hmmm. interesting. yes. hmm! keith my skin suddenly feels like a hundred ants are trying to stretch it around a telephone pole. umberto i suppose it should more properly be called a cursed eye take a look i also have a bewitched nose and a hexed earlobe. at my age you just sort of acquire these things. 715715; speech is merely a dialect gloria daddy, why can't animals talk? jimmy it's not that they can't talk - it's that we can't talk like them! jimmy you see, all human language is descended from a mother, animal tongue. to the beasts, our yammering, overenunciated dialects sound like so much chittering gibberish! jimmy unlike the animals, in order to communicate we must convert ideas down into inefficient sets of words. this is such a lost of nuance that it's like recounting an opera in morse code. to a cocker spaniel, human speech is like beeping in german. gloria so when i say, "chunky, i love you?" jimmy he hears "der biepbiep biep biepbiepbieperzung biep biep biepen biepenschlauf biep biepinzingerunting." distill into it's miserable! 716716; the ultimate bathroom reader vic is that it? the one you wanted? calvin yes! my dear chap! wherever did you find it? calvin this was my first book as a boy - filled with vivid descriptions of the workings of the world around us - this is the book that ignited my passion for learning! for scholarship! for a lifelong journey of self - and other - discovery! calvin oh, i've searched for it for ages. pored through dusty stacks to no avail. searched every catalog i could get my grubby paws on?but where i failed, lad, you prevailed. tell me! how did you locate it? on which remove bookshelf did you peep its flaking spine? vic i just did an ebay search on the title. "poops! taken, or left behind?" calvin it hath taught me everything in life worth knowing?! revisit copy-right 1781 ; lavishly illufstrated 717717; the equitable redistribution of rigatoni davey how was the pasta? good? marco yeah, it was super filling. davey make a good lunch tomorrow though, huh? marco i dunno. i don't think i want to carry it home. davey mmm davey hey, do you ever have weird ideas about how to better society? i had one. what if, at meals, everybody got into the habit of putting their plates into the center of the table once they were finished? so other people could work on the leftovers if they wanted, without it being awkward. that way, food wouldn't have to go to waste marco interrupting for pete's sake fine eat it finish oh please! i couldn't possiblsnarf glarp nom nom blarg chomp chew charmp grahmwragfgh could we get some napkins over here? 718718; throwing good health after bad 19th century man and woman why is there no culturally acceptable way to say "you gonna finish that spaghetti?" why is it such a taboo to be concerned about wasting food? woman because you are making a pig of yourself. why must you fixate on vacuuming up every last crumb? why don't you? that's food! that's calories and energy! that's sunlight and diesel and the slaughter of animals! i won't let it be for nothing! a ton of sunk costs have gone into this food. you can't just toss it! that's sociopathic. that's nero, fiddling while rome burns. the food version. woman you know, you'll actually consume less--and thus waste less--if you save leftovers for later meals. i'm not gonna dirty a tupperware for three spoonfuls of spaghetti! washing it will be even more wasteful! hot water! soap! time! no, by putting food to the use it was sacrificed for--nourishing me--i am paying the karmic debt incurred by the food producers. it is a moral good! woman it's not nourishing you! all that extra spaghetti is probably shortening your lifespan! man stands with chest puffed out. all martyrs are misunderstood in their lifetimes. #718; throwing good health after bad people who are often misunderstood 6% geniuses; 94% garden-variety nonsense-spouters 719719; the background check bonnie you gonna say hi to the new kid? glen nah. he's got nothing to offer. bonnie what makes you think so? glen well? glen first i googled the slogan from that crazy patch on his brother's backpack. it's some obscure band with only like a hundred facebook fans. found his brother there, and of course he's friends with his brother. glen now i got the correct spelling of his name guenters kreiberscht. googling that reveals an old myspace blog. glen his myspace username "guent-to-the-choppa" also shows up on an old yu-gi-oh forum. that isn't online anymore, but the internet archive has a cached version. glen his posts there inform me about a new username "krei-me-a-riva," which has a livejournal - and that has a link to a newish tumblr. glen none of it gave me the sense that yu-gi-oh mcgee over there is anyone worth bothering with. i don't need friends who're less cool than i am. bonnie ?i guess i should feel flattered? glen well i mean glen you were grandfathered in check out i.e. your grandfather is way cooler than me, and i like spending time with him! 720720; enter the mexicans carlos greetings! we are visitors from the planet mexico, many light-years away. we have come in peace to establish friendly, mutually-beneficent relations. deb what? what is the name of your planet? andy is this some kind of immigration metaphor carlos our planet's name is mexico. it means "fragrant flowering fruit" in our native tongue. prior cultures have called it by other names. guatemala. honduras. el salvador. nicaragua. andy okay, skip the cutesy alien schtick. what's the message? is it about the border fence? carlos we do not know of any border fence. what a strange and inhumane concept! andy aha! carlos our nations are kept distinct by means of impassable canyons, policed by savage animals who devour trespassers. andy wait carlos on mexico, creatures are segregated by horn quality into inviolable casts that annually rotate civic duties, right now twosies are the lawyers, threesies the bakers, and ninesies like us are the astronauts. wendy we do this because the mexican race is biologically most suited to be accountants and cobblers. but we can't all be accountants and cobblers all of the time. andu i cannot figure out this metaphor buenos dias from we are so tired of the stereotype that all mexicans are accountants and cobblers! 721721; the mexicans have become small carlos behold our interstellar nebula cruiser! andy it seems a lot, uh, smaller than i expected. carlos when we enter the cruiser, we exchange our mass for energy. carlos it requires extraordinary power to propel an object of great mass across the galaxy! so we convert much of the matter to energy and store it in compact batteries. andy so it's like zipping a file for email? carlos whatever that means! the matter is reconverted upon arrival at our destination. andy but isn't some of that energy expended during the trip? carlos well, yes. when we left mexico we were eleven feet tall. take a loss we did stock the cruiser with extra matter to account for energy spent in transit, but there are only so many cows you can cram into a spaceship 722722; the reputation of the mexican two aliens with long spiky feathers crowning their bird-style feathered heads address a middle-aged woman with her hair pulled back severely, dressed in a long-sleeved dark dress with an apron. she is holding a round serving tray in her right hand, angled against her body, and has her left arm akimbo. she responds to them in a matter-of-fact yet kindly manner. mexican alien #1 we are alone. refugees on this planet! mexican alien #2 since much of our matter-energy was expended on the journey to earth, and our cruiser's engines run only on mexican matter...we are stuck here until we can grow some more mass! woman you know, i know someone you might get along with! woman at left; gax, dressed in a suit, at right, with 19th-century industrial-age residential buildings faintly visible in the in background. woman hey gax, do you know the mexicans? kinda funny-looking alien fellows? gax the mexicans! of course! known throughout the universe for their bravery, loyalty, and work ethic! woman at left, behind gax, looks on disapprovingly,eyebrows slightly raised, her eyes fixed on the aliens as she hears his reaction. gax, just left of center, holding his walking stick in his right hand like moses' rod, does not appear any too enthused to see the aliens. on the right, the two aliens, with bodies like plucked uncooked chickens except with armlike appendages instead of wings, ending in two grotesque long ced fingers, stare fixedly up at gax as he makes his pronouncement. the bulging eyes of one show dismay; the other looks shocked or startled. gax oh, these mexicans. example example 723723; our existing problems, plus this andy what are the odds that a planet in a far-off galaxy would have the name mexico? and also be known by the names honduras, guatemala, etc.? carlos i do not know why this seems unlikely. clearly we occupy a universe it has occurred. what is the probability that you wore a hat today? one point zero. it is certain. wendy exactly. is it odd or unlikely that we happened to land on a planet where there also resides a gaxian? it is not odd. it is not unlikely. carlos it is unfortunate...but, ah wendy ...it has happened. wendy our flesh is poisonous to gaxian biology! gax just because i'm on a diet doesn't mean i can't look at the menu lick your lips just because i'm illiterate doesn't mean i can't sniff a book if i want to 724724; a hypothetical scenario susan? can i ask you a question - an important question? would you still love me if my toes became mice? if my toenails became little tiny buck teeth, and the wrinkled skin on each knuckle twisted to become a series of sinister little pointed faces? if the sparse hair on each digit stiffened and elongated into whiskers, and those rigid tendons on my feet became long, whipping tails, possessed of an independent dark energy? if i no longer walked from place to place, but rather was ported about by the scurrying of forty tiny legs, pulling my stiff, upright body from place to place entirely in opposition to any will i might express? would you still love me if this nightmare became real tonight, susan? if the moon and the stars and my birthday just happened to combine in an awful, irresistible alchemy? susan is this likely? why in the world would that matter susan crawl over to just answer the question 725725; pete sees a friend a man on a horse is talking to a woman. a second man looks on. man 1 hey there! you lost? ha ha ha! woman ha ha ha! how you doin', petey? man 1 oh, you know, same ol' story! actually just got back from a gig in cincinnati! woman that so! congrats! and how's kim doing? man 1 she's great! i'll tell her you said hello! woman please do! great seeing you, pete! man 1 take care! man 1 and woman part in opposite directions. man 2 remains. man 2 i'm lost notice aren't we all 726726; a hierarchy of hate two women in 1800s vintage dresses whom we will call lily (standing) and ruth (sitting). ruth i've got mixed feelings about osama bin laden's death. ruth i'm glad the world can have a sense of closure. but i can't get into the bloodlust, the cheering over the death of a human being. lily a human being? it was osama bin laden! mass murderer and architect of global terror! ruth i know, but hating him seems so easy. he's a sneering beanpole on grainy videotapes with a watermelon-shaped beard! all he needs is a cackling ferret sidekick to be a mid-'90s disney villain! ruth and he's plenty hated already. i don't really know what my hate would add, you know? it'd just be joining the crowd. ruth might as well drink budweiser while you're doing it. lily you don't have osama bin laden...because it'd be too mainstream? ruth now don't get me wrong! i totally hated him for the u.s.s. cole way back in 2000! get riled i don't hate anyone the masses hate 727727; friendship is pined for " you know who that is? that's bobby pflugelblager" "i don't know who that is " "bobby pflugelblager is rad. he's super active on the cracked.com fan forums, plus drew carey re-tweeted one of his twitpics like a year ago." "whoa" "he's got a music-review tumblr full of sick mp3s, and he self-published a kindle book of paranormal post-apocalyptic erotica." "i follow him on twitter and once got an @ reply when i found a typo on one of his zazzle shirts" "that kid is incredible! " "but what can you say to him, you know? " i've been stalking you online, your last.fm is amazing and i think we would get along well together?"" "no. we're kept at arm's length by the kabuki of politeness. we have to roleplay as people who aren't invisible connected, pretending we actually don't know everything we know. and for what? so we can talk about the weather with someone we deeply admire?" "maybe just stand next to him and say real loudly to someone else "my favourite sexual position is with a werewolf in a crater."" gaze softly if you make a habit of saying this loudly whenever you enter a crowd, the right kinds of friends will seek you out 728728; an old traditional invocation rob gax, i'm super nervous about my big date! gax i shouldn't tell you this, rob, but there is such a thing as a gaxian luck spell! gax i should warn you - it's extremely powerful. rob i could really use a little luck tonight! does it work on humans? gax i assure you that it does. gax whispering to rob pssswsss stssstsswss later gax to an incinerated, and annoyed, rob i did not specify what kind of luck. trust in there is no such thing as a gaxian spell. the power to ruin your date was inside you all along! 729729; that's where it is a dodo addresses a young man sitting in the front door of a house dodo pardon me, do you have the time? young yes, its- dodo you have the time! dodo talks to three other dodos middle dodo he has the time! furthest dodo the time! he has it! first dodo at long last! our desperate search is at an end! the time has been found! dodos form a huddle psshhwpssstt psshhwpssstt dodos return to the young man dodo will you... give us the time? young it's nine fifteen. dodos aaaaahhh! now we have the time the big hand is on finally! we can clean the garage! 730730; the decaying currency ernestina you ever get so excited about an idea that you can't think of anything else? / it takes over. it crowds every other thought from your mind. it demands attention, regardless of its actual merit as an idea - in fact, that's impossible to determine. it's too new! charles sure, but the feeling passes. i've learned to wait it out - if it's really a good idea, then it'll still be a week later. ernestina but that's the problem! the enthusiasm is only good for about a day. so you can wait it out until it joins the interminable list of "good ideas you'll never do" - or you can just spend that energy. dive in. just try something. / better to do something with passion that turns out misguided, than carefully decide to do nothing at all. charles that is a very nice-sounding theory that i'm not convinced is actually true. / that is how countries start wars. / do you ever finish any of the crazy things you dive into? ernestina i'd love to, but who has the time? the dodos break into the panel from the left side and shout as one the dodos we have the time get busy enthusiastic ideas are like crappy rewards points. you earn them fair and square, but then they expire faster than you think. 731731; when in doubt, pout man holding sign sign fight the corporations!!!!!!!! end the corruption!!!!!!! man on horseback rides by rider actually, at this point the only entities with remotely enough power to fight the corporations are the corporations. man holding a different sign this time sign hide from the corporations to make them worried and hope that when they learn we're all right they'll be so relieved that they will give us significant political concessions stand up for we know the corporations are bad at self-policing. let's hope they're just as bad at self-firefighting. 732732; ten thoughts in two seconds a man is holding a baby and is talking to a woman, who asks hey, did you ever get that fix-it ticket dealth with? the burnt-out brake light? in rapid succession, he thinks to himself oh crap i forgot about that. is it due? when is it due? where is the ticket itself? did i lose the ticket? no! i put it in my notebook so i wouldn't lose it! but... where is my notebook? i haven't seen it in a few days... wait... did i leave it on the plane? in the seat-back pocket? i did! i think i did! oh no! my notebook is gone! did i have anything personal in there? should i call the airline? and the fix-it ticket! will i be in trouble if i've lost the actual ticket? wait. no. my notebook is right there on the nightstand. the ticket is due next week. everything is fine. returning to reality, he replies to the wo don't worry! it's totally under control! she replies you just dropped the baby think about is there such a thing as fix-it tickets for babies 733733; big news the headline bugle bugle earth's gravity relentless. crushing force affects all life, systems on planet. tom is reading the bugle. tom, astonished, looks at a cow he watches the cow float over his head. the cow, tom, and his chair all float into the air. they float higher. tom, his chair, and the cow drift away over an unnamed city's rooftops. bugle correction a statement in yesterday's bugle regarding gravity was found to be incorrect. the bugle regrets the error. correction tuesday's bugle incorrectly identified the governor of iowa as terry barnstad. the correct spelling is branstad. look up don't believe everything you read 734734; when elbow grease is toxic two individuals, carl and someone we'll call floyd, in old-fashioned diving suits. carl check out my new diving suit! top of the line, two thousand bucks! no expense spared! floyd ha! i made mine from common items at home depot. just as nice, at a fraction of the price! same scene. floyd has added several odd attachments to his diving suit. caption later carl listen, man, you almost died last time. you sure you got the bugs worked out of that suit? floyd the problem wasn't bugs the problem was water getting into the suit. i just needed new fittings, is all. and sealant. and better hoses. i'm all set now! same scene. floyd has replaced the odd attachments from before with other odd attachments. caption later carl there is no way i'm letting you into the water in that thing. not after the last two times. floyd you don't own the water, carl! i fixed the problem! the canvas just needed to be galvanized! now move aside and let me dive! same scene. floyd has once more replaced the odd attachments with ever odder attachments. caption later floyd i've spent six thousand dollars on this freaking thing and it still leaks. carl ah, but you did it yourself! bash together some the darwin awards are the only awards that take only one vote to win. 735735; the useful double positive angry ...and then i misread my ticket! because of the way it was printed! this is everyone's fault but mine! nice oh sir, i do apologize. i do apologize for the terrible inconvenience. today must have been very frustrating. i do apologize. angry hmmmph! boss you are so good at customer service. what's your secret? nice well, first i acknowledge their experience, rather than minimizing or dismissing it. most people just want to be heard. i listen to them, and they calm down. boss but what if you can't be arsed to care in the least? nice that's the difference between "i apologize" and "i do apologize." so sorry for start listening for it. you'll hear it everywhere. 736736; a child is cleansed woman 1 this boy got lice. woman 2 bring his scalps over here. i will do an incantation to banish the lices. woman 2 ayplej ahleejanz tooda flahg uvdaa yooneye teydstay tsava merraka woman 2 antooda reypuh blik fohrwitchi stan boy you're doing the pledge of allegiance! woman 2 don't interrupt me, child! we are mid-incantation. wonnayshun un durgahd womans 2 inda vizabul witlibberdey annjus tisferol boy it's just the pledge! we say it every morning at school! woman 2 of course you do. the school don't want no lices neither. anything this world teaches you to recite or sing or parrot back is just for purposes of the mass delousing of crowds. woman 1 then why does he got the lice, if he been saying this charms every day? woman 2 he must got the superlice that need the double-strength enchanterings. woman 2 ohhhohh saihkahnn euuucieee scratch put your hand over your heart -- so that the words may transmute your very blood to parasiticide 737737; so obvious in hindsight nan have a good day at school, rolf! brian a fish don't be mean to the other children nan study hard and get good grades! brian don't strike any beings with your fins nan eat a nice lunch! make good choices! brian keep your gills well ventilated nan join some clubs or something! brian don't bite stray worms or you may end up horribly trapped forever get onboard with run. run for the ocean. ruuuunnnnn 738738; the most brazen pickpocket dan excuse me! would you mind taking a picture of us? pablo mind? would i mind? pablo do you know who i am? i am pablo! i have shot covers for elle and cosmo and portuguese vogue! i am paid ten thousand dollars for a single perfect photograph! my work fills the finest galleries, the most luxurious hotels, the homes and summer homes and yachts and summer yachts of the world's elite! and you want me to take a tourist snapshot? of you? pablo storming off hmph! beat dan that dude just stole my camera assert yourself to but if we ever get it back, it's gonna have some great pictures on it! 739739; hoppily ever after a woman complains loudly. woman oh, howard is just the worst! i should never have kissed him! her friend enters the scene. woman all he does is sit around all day and stare at bugs. at bugs! and he belches! over and over and over! she continues to complain. woman he promised he would sweep me off my feet. but here i am, still on my feet, waiting for him to jump off that log and find a job or something! she continues. friend it seems he was a frog too long. woman i don't even know where his principality is! commit to "we have so much in common!" i thought. "he likes sitting in swamps, i like kissing animals i find in swamps..." 740740; a dog makes a statement gordon oh no! did buddy have an accident again? ariel this was no accident. ariel he scooched his butt across the carpet in the shape of a crop circle. he has taken disobedience to the level of a provocateur. ariel misbehavior has become his palette, our apartment his canvas, in a grand, grotesque installation - featuring us as predictable foils, our fury as much a deliberate part of the work as each precisely-browned fiber of shag. more than a simple befoulment - this is a befoulment of order, a metaphorical poop-smear on the very notion of animal subjugation. gordon or maybe mr. poopykins has buttworms. ariel well, as did duchamp! reconsider and even michelangelo had assistants! 741741; the elusive goofy elk a majestic forest. the goofy elk stands proud on a hillside. not simmons (off-panel) the noble goofy elk! i've never seen such a magnificent specimen! not simmons and simmons observe the goofy elk. not simmons levels an awed finger in its direction; simmons watches it through binoculars. not simmons this is a red-letter day, simmons! the goofy elk is exceedingly rare! simmons such a frail and vulnerable animal - i wonder what defense at all it has against predators! the view through simmons's binoculars. the goofy elk turns its goofy stare in their direction. not simmons (off-panel) it's looking our way! simmons and not-simmons now bear the visage of the goofy elk. try to spot goof'd! 742742; is dug a passage two men stand in front of a hole in the ground man 1 i can't believe it! finally finished! twenty long years of sweat ... but we've managed to actually dig a hole to china. man 2 well, what now? what should we ask them? do we trade flags or something? man 1 i guess let's start with something simple. man 1 helloooo! what's the weather like over there? hole we are bathing in the bile of tortured souls. it is our only respite from the constant, searing torment of the knowledge that love has abandoned us. man 2 are you sure this tunnel goes to china? man 1 do you have any cheap dvds? hole we'll send some up. breathlessly follow all the media down here is encoded as region 666, is that okay 743743; reports from the scene jenny leans against a tree in a beautiful, peaceful park. she is tweeting. <> @jenny there are people running everywhere. just saw a kid with blood on his face #downtownriots cops trying to cordon off the main plaza but people are throwing bottles #downtownriots @jenny holy crap now there is some kind of tank rolling down beach blvd #downtownriots <> an old lady grabbed a tear gas canister and chucked it back at the tank #downtownriots riot police are blocking the alleys. trying to shepherd us back into the central square #downtownriots jenny's mom shows up. dialogue covers the tweets. mom jenny. get ready for bedtime. <> jenny not yet! i'm livetweeting! mom well, livetweet yourself to bed. jenny that is not how livetweeting works mother jenny in bed, still tweeting. @jenny hauled into custody. they'll never get me to talk #downtownriots breathlessly follow mom can i please have a glass of water #downtownriots 744744; anything is tried once dare you blow the mortality tuba? it plays a note which resonates across the realms of life and death! wilfred sure i'll give 'er a whirl. sounds a bit of a lark wife wilfred, no! you don't know what that tuba even does! wilfred just a spot of fun, innit <> wilfred's smoking skull, mutton chops intact wifred stings a bit wife wilfred your insistence on indulging every fool with a paranormal tuba will be the ruin of this marriage play on, ask not for whom the mortality tuba blaats -- it blaats for thee 745745; the deadliest puppy butt mandy and her father see what appears to be a puppy's hindquarters sticking out from behind a fence. mandy aw, lookit the puppy! let's pet the little puppy! father no! mandy, that's not a puppy. that...is mr. meanscary. mandy it looks like a puppy butt! father mr. meanscary is a murderous goblin that disguises itself as a puppy butt to lure in children. mandy what does he do to children? father well, how do you think he got the name? he's the meanest goblin around! the scariest monster in the whole world! and he's just waiting for children to pet his puppy butt so he can burn them alive and eat their roasted skin! mr. meanscary steps away from the fence. mr. meanscary for your information, my grandfather chose this name on ellis island! lie in wait for we came to this country to escape the terrible famine...the child famine 746746; there is no sadder creature text mr. meanscary looks like a puppy butt mr. meanscary not by choice! it's genetic! text his innocent appearance is for gobbling children up mr. meanscary aw, this old rumor again? i was never even there when that kid got eaten! i was in pensacola! text he lured a baby off a cliff and waited open-mouthed for it he ate a pair of twins and threw their bones into a tiger pit mr. meanscary i never did! it's a vicious lie being spread by my bitter ex-wife! i can't afford a tiger pit! i can't afford any kind of pit! text so stay close to your parents, lads and lasses, and obey; or mr. m may add you to his menu for today. mr. meanscary this is going to make it very hard to volunteer for the kiwanis club. do good mr. meanscary would like to give back to his community and foster civic engagement, if you people would just let him 747747; henry thinks for himself henry and mr. meanscary. henry mr. meanscary, i'm not afraid of you. my parents tell me to be, but i don't see any reason i should. henry i'm tired of being commanded to blindly fear this or that. people trip over themselves villainizing everything. you've never done a thing to hurt me. i'm not going to go hating anyone without a darn good reason. mr. meanscary thank you, henry. that's very kind of you to say. henry ...how do you know my name? mr. meanscary i live in your closet. henry dude! this is a reason! mr. meanscary i'm sorry, you're right, i chose to be turned down for seventeen apartments in a row! move into and come on it's not like i'm doing anything in there! 748748; marsha is lost three women; the woman on the left wears a black hood trimmed with fur and carries a basket on her back; the woman in the center carries a basket on her back; the woman on the right seems to be marsha left ladies, have you heard? bifton's out! he's thrown the yoke and drawn a dusty soda! center dunk me a drumstick! are you crowing for dawn, or is this the straight bacon? right who is bifton? left i got it in from alistano down at the dog creamery. bifton got pinked by jornavenich! center well, it's about time! good riddance to bad radishes! right i don't... i don't know what any of this is right are you talking about real radishes and an actual dog creamery or is this all some kind of weird folksy idiom? left bifton's gonna be ridin' the upside-down turnip truck all the way to tuscaloosa, that's for sure. center dial him a pickle and call him a date. right ooh! the sudden electricity in the air suggests to me that your strange vegetable-based euphemisms have taken a turn for the vulgar! flip a biscuit alttext before i was just confused -- but now i'm titillated and confused! 749749; hubert becomes a real boy the antler-headed pig god has an audience with hubert, a complex automaton. antler-headed pig god yes, my son. i see you have come to me with a question. hubert 01101000 01100101 01101100 01110000 00100000 01101101 01100101 antler-headed pig god i give you the power of human speech! <> hubert zero one one one one zero zero one zero one one zero zero zero zero one zero one one one one zero zero one! seek and find close enough 750750; the fickle strawberry tad and adelaide draw close to a giant strawberry on a pedestal. tad ...and this is the psychic strawberry of humbert village. rumor has it, it can sense when people think it is ridiculous. adelaide i don't think it's ridiculous. i think it's truly remarkable. a stunning wonder of nature. would that all strawberries were as lovely! the strawberry dispenses a flock of butterflies. adelaide okay, that was kind of ridiculous. strawberry hissss burst into the strawberry has an artistic temperament. 751751; the beast in the labyrinth this comic is hand-drawn. a knight wanders anxiously through a cave, carrying a torch and a sword. he passes a skeleton bound to the wall. a minotaur emerges from the side. the knight is frightened. knight oh no! a half-man, half-bull monster! the minotaur turns in fear. a shadow rises up behind him. minotaur w-where?! the knight runs. the minotaur runs behind him, looking back at a disgusting creature with a human face, bull horns, a vaguely human/bull body, and a bull's tail. go exploring you're lucky i didn't show you what it's running from 752752; the straw man at home a man in a top hat holding a cane greets a secretary, next to a table stacked with books inside some sort of library. i'm here for a meeting with dr. rasmus endofarb, drinking straw innovator? secretary i'm so sorry. dr. rasmus is quite ill and cannot see visitors. dr. rasmus speaks off-screen in the next room, from behind a curtain. his speech bubbles are shaky, indicating that he is ill. dr. rasmus no dr. rasmus please dr. rasmus we must have a drink together four drinking straws, attached together to form a much longer straw, extend out of the curtain. extend courtesy to sluurrrrppppp 753753; a mean glimpse of eternity con how was your weekend? sick i was torn into by an illness left over from the plagues of egypt. sick by day, i lay on the ground moaning and rocking in agony... by night, i stared at the ceiling, willing sleep to come, begging some spirit of rest to glance over my shattered body and, sighing, say "i'll take him." after hours of this i would look at the clock and realize only minutes had passed. time had lifted its foot from the accelerator and was slowly coasting to a stop. i would be trapped in that pain for a hundred thousand years. sick this, i realized, is what immortality must be like staring at the clock, waiting for it to tick over, waiting for time to pass and for the sun to rise and things to get better... but it doesn't. and it doesn't. and it doesn't. sick i'm sorry, you were probably just asking to be polite. con actually i was just trying to distract you while my dog picked your pockets! toss and turn the stomach flu is like nature picking your body's pockets over and over and over again - and not finding anything but vileness, but still coming back to try again. nature is disgusting 754754; all aboard the snooze express evie i'm pooched, love. i'm heading up to snoozyville. garth okay, snoogums. hope you can get on the snooze express. evie i got a ticket for the bullet snooze. i'll be in snoozyville in zero point snooze. garth oh, baby! are you sure that's safe? there was that whole scandal where the commissioner of the high-speed snooze association was forced to resign after misappropriating $3.8 million congressionally earmarked for snuggle development! evie i don't think that would affect the performance of the bullet snooze itself! garth well, you don't know if maybe the cuddle inspector is some appointed crony of his or something! maybe the cuddles haven't been inspected for weeks! ya might never get to snoozyville because the cuddles all freeze up halfway between bakersfield and fresno! evie good point. come with me and inspect all my cuddles carefully for safety. garth all right. gimme like two hours to finish reading this article about county fairs. tuck into the whole thing was clearly a pork project from the get-go. it doesn't make sound economic sense to lay high-speed rail track all the way from bakersfield to fresno just so one person can fall asleep faster. even if she is adorable when she snores 755755; fine feathered friend jerry a peacock hey! my eyes are down here! ogle do you even care about my interests? (regurgitating earthworms; eating beetles; screaming at the top of my lungs for no reason whatsoever) 756756; the insistent announcement hugo fish on a stick hugo fish on a stick hugo fish on a stick wally how much? hugo all of it. all of the fish is on the stick. hugo except for some of the little bits that dripped out. like those. and some there. but i'd say a good ninety percent is still on the stick. wally how much are you selling it for? hugh sell it are you strange fresh-caught this was my father's fish! and his father's stick! 757757; long time no sell wolf rodney! rod-bod! rodney aah! a wolf that knows my college nickname! wolf mask is lifted, a man's face is underneath wolf rod! it's me, denny! rodney denny? where have you been for the last ten years? wolf i'm a wolf now, dude! come join me! leave the upright world to the money-worshippers and run free in the tundra! rodney denny, you disappeared--your girlfriend, your parents--we had to assume the worst-- wolf bipedal sentimentality! you'll soon be rid of it! you'll feel more alive, rod. you'll hear the words of the moon. wolf you'll feel life energy the way you feel a breeze now.it runs thick and real in the blood of your prey. and you can drink it. come with me. it's a gift i want to give to you. forever. wolf all you'll have to do for maximum reward is recruit four more wolves under you- rodney i knew this wasn't a social call. start howling i - i just want to practice my pitch, and you tell me what you think! i won't even bring the papers with me! 758758; take care of yourself ellen hey. come help me wash the car? nabil washing the car! how decadent! so great that you have no more pressing problems than making sure your giant optional machine is free of specks of dust! nabil meanwhile i have severe biological imperatives to contend with. i don't have the luxury of having everything below "car" on the hierarchy of needs taken care of. i'm hungry. i'm cold. i'm tired. i have to go to the bathroom. please, allow me to address my body's needs before i help with your ego's. nabil leaving hmpf! twenty years later ellen ?and when i finally found him, he'd fallen asleep on the toilet with his teeth still stuck in a turkey leg! nabil oh for crying out loud this story again the importance of he had also wrapped himself in a bath towel but that had somehow fallen into the toilet and clogged it. oh i'm sorry am i disgusting you with tales of your grandfather's toilet misadventure, children?? 759759; and the guests never notice woman jason. listen very carefully to me. this is our wedding. woman we have established a wintergreen napkin palette. these turquoise pepper mills you found suggest a fundamentally southwestern character. woman it's like you're not even paying attention! baby, you've been on about these minute details for months-- woman well, of course! woman you wouldn't defend a thesis without studying and preparing! woman you wouldn't go to the olympics without training day and night! woman you wouldn't show up in court without having your case ironclad! but... those are all things you can lose at. woman i know! exactly! and i'm almost thirty! woman i have come this far! i will not have this taken from me! i never knew that weddings were a cargo cult, where if you get something wrong with the napkins then god refuses to sanctify the union. woman is now crouching behind the table woman not god woman everybody till death do you alt text fine. wintergreen? how about custom packages of tic tacs? folks can rattle them when they want us to kiss! --jason are you trying to give me a migraine 760760; the tiniest alt-comic ginny knock knock! how many chickens does it take to cross the road? hedwig that's not how it goes, honey. i think you're mixing up the light bulb joke and the chicken joke! ginny i don't know what those are! i'm putting this new thing out there. why does everything have to be derivative? why are you pushing me to conform into some stale old mold? got to match your hundred-year-old expectations? hedwig you're right. i'm sorry. i don't know, how many chickens does it take to cross the road? ginny what? hedwig what's the answer? ginny it's not a riddle, dude, it's rhetorical! hedwig but that's not funny. ginny man you are trying to put me in box after box knock knock! who's the answer, by the way, is three one to stop traffic, one to dart across, and one to stay behind and answer the door. 761761; exhibit a for the defense a man meets a horse with wheels in place of its feet. hey there. looks like you're on a roll! horse you know, when a horse kills a man, it's ruled an accident. a horse that murders a man will be shot! horse i'm willing to take that chance. are you wheelly? giddyup to the crack of wheel on skull was heard for three miles around. travelers fell into ditches. farmwives clutched their hens close. it is even said that a baby born that very instant later developed a mild round protuberance on the wrists and ankles that has never been fully explained 762762; another complaint stymied a lady sits in a chair, holding a fan. do you realize there are probably products in this world that have made no one happy at all, ever. the person on the oil rig wasn't happy. the people in the plastic refinery or whatever weren't happy. the guy driving the truck and the kid stocking the store shelves were both unhappy. someone bought it for a birthday she didn't want to attend, the recipient hated it, the dude at the goodwill threw it away and the garbageman destroyed it. and it's incredibly unlikely that there exist any products every part of that supply chain was happy. someone was having a bad day somewhere. which means that overall, the net happiness of all products in the world combined is negative. we're living in a wasteland of misery! the gentleman he is talking to kisses her on the head. gentle well, that's why you're here, sweetie. to balance things back out a bit with your joyfulness. <> "later" the lady looks very anxious. her friend talks to her. friend was he being sarcast- i don't know if he was being sarcastic! cheer up "this is a serious issue!" she said, to which he responded, gravely and with full eye contact, "yes. very serious." 763763; an infatuation shatters gax did you forget? we had plans to go cosmic bowling! alan i'm sorry, gax, i never got the message! i have a date tonight with amanda! gax amanda, amanda! everything's amanda this, amanda that! fine. enjoy your date with amanda. i will be bowling. for both of us. <> alan answering his phone amanda! hey! you...what? have a severe human disease that means you have to cancel our date? alan your voice...it sounds kind of like a gaxian who is pretty good at shape-shifting his vocal cords, but not great. gax also on the phone dude i've been amanda from the beginning bowl over both of his hands were in full view in panel 2, and yet he dialed the phone. how??? the answer, to this as well as so many other of life's mysteries, is pocket-tentacles. 764764; a tourist doesn't get it josh get indoors! there's a parade of monsters coming this way! timmy it's just the noontime cavalcade josh great beasts with fearsome claws, belching flame and calling down curses from before the days of man! timmy yeah they really go all out josh but viscous bile drips from their ragged flesh, searing the earth in pancake-sized globs of corroding timmy interrupting of corroding matter left reeking of utter sadness. i know! they come by every day! we applaud, toss them a coin or two and go about our business! geez! josh they are devouring everybody they encounter. timmy well then they are jeopardizing their tips run from they are squeezing coins in their hands, forging them into barbed metal spikes that they are driving through the foreheads of the -- yes yes we know it's tuesday geez 765765; keith wants an excuse keith i can't find my camera. jeff well, when did you last use it? keith i was nineteen years old. road trip through the great west. the promise of the rest of my life ahead of me. no dream too big, no goal too impossible. keith billy swerved to avoid hitting a coyote and ran the chevelle off the road. great plumes of dust, lit red by the setting sun. we never saw the hill. we never saw the cliff. jeff that was the last time you used your camera? keith oh, i thought you said, "when was the last time you remember being young?" it was a day called but my camera -- why, i used it just this morning to take pictures of my ear hair! that's where i left it. in the toilet. 766/ [wondermark ? archive ? #766; spirits haunt an auto madge is reading to umberto madge ...and they feared that a ghost was in the house! umberto i fear that a ghost is in this car madge cautiously they crept around the corner. was that squealing the sound of...a ghost? umberto it was probably their alternator belt. maybe a wheel bearing. madge "i'm nervous that this house is full of ghosts," dirk breathed, his broad shoulders filling his tunic with man-mass. umberto i think my air filter is full of dirk's man-mass. madge dirk sighed, shivering in the autumn chill. "the house is leaking ghosts and the car is leaking oil. what a week!" umberto aw yeah now things are startin' to happen! scare yourself i felt a chill as the ghost swept through me to alight on the distributor cap. "there is corrosion," it hissed in a voice blasted for centuries by the immortal furnaces of hades, "on the spark plug wire contacts." 767767; the old farmer's lament farmer reggie halloween has gotten too corporate! big candy pushes its sugar-laden garbage as the only sensible choice to razor-bladed apples! another example of big business using its marketing muscle to destroy the small entrepreneur! farmer reggie well, guess what, nestle? we use only genuine u.s. steel in our razor blades! each blade is lovingly tied to an emerging springtime blossom so that the apple grows around the blade seamlessly! some things are still done by hand! <> farmer reggie biting an apple] ow! aah!! farmer reggie his mouth bloodied delicious! shop local and my colleagues who put used needles into bananas and depleted uranium into grapes aren't doing any better!! 768768; brick gratia brickis matt well, what do you think? esteban you bricked up my front door! matt if you have a problem with the handiwork, i'd like to know! esteban with the handiwork? how am i supposed to get into the house?! matt listen, my crew worked very hard! i personally oversaw the preparation of the mortar! we even weighed each brick to make sure none of them were hollow for some reason! esteban well undo it! let me inside my house! matt all you're going to find is more bricks. solid all the way. packed tight as any man can get 'em. esteban this is an outrage! matt well now how does it feel to be walled off from any chance of comfort dad for the love of god, if it were useful it wouldn't be art dad 769769; the chair-holding championships chair-holding championships day 6 geno and davy are holding up a chair as an audience looks on. geno you are weak. the chair is made of butter. it slips from your grasp so easily. davy i am not listens geno your shoulders quake. your arms give out. the chair is heavy. so very, very heavy. davy your words is like gravy to my starving ears geno your fingers are like sponges. so weak. so terribly, achingly, tremblingly weak. davy i am immunes to every hurtful psychologies! geno your pockets are so soft. so inviting. "put your hands in us," they whisper. "why have you forsaken us? do you not love us anymore?" davy you cannot tricking me! my strong desire for this pockets is matter of many public records! keep it up {[ front page newspapers in my hometowns hero local desires victory, pockets 770770; race to the top felix wearing a jetpack check it out! i just finished the upgrade to my starpincher! put in a double-chamber preboiler and a hundred-torque turnvalve. zero to forty-five in a click point seven. hah! dan it looks nice. felix how 'bout you? what about that old mark-five you were working on? dan yeah. 's coming along. felix you been saying that an awful long time. dan what's that mean? felix nuthin' felix say, you wanna race? so <> <> felix did you finish the upgrades? dan now also wearing a jetpack yeah felix looks like you just slapped a bunch of stickers on the old one. dan let us simply get on with the race felix three felix two felix one felix go! felix takes off <> dan pppptttbbb dan pppptttbbb dan space command this is astro five dan come in, space command?yes, i'll make another orbit. heading across the lunar horizon now. dan pppptttbbb felix landing whew! made it to fourth avenue and back in eighteen seconds! dan whereas i have been to the moon take off for and the stickers were very helpful thank you 771771; accounting by network alfie i just got a call from the auditors! our spreadsheets are a total mess! jimbo i'm on it jimbo on the phone hey, 35! how are ya? it's jimbo. how's life? how're the fractions? they grow up so fast, huh? they'll be integers before you know it. listen, remember last april? we put you in that ledger that went national? jimbo well, we're in a bit of a bind. some yahoo threw in a rookie and how our columns don't quite balance. ...yeah, it was 31. i didn't want to say anything, he's still prime and all. but it's a bit of a fiasco. jimbo listen, '5. you think you could do me a solid on this? we'd put you right up front on a major invoice. yeah. unit price. you'd be a multiplier. big job. that's why i called you. thanks, '5. you're a pro. i'll dial you in. see you in excel. jimbo it's all about who you know balance out you, my friend, have exactly the factors we need 772772; the calendrology cheat sheet dina ...but after all, i'm a capricorn, so that's to be expected! larry haha, i know what you mean! i was born on a palindrome, so, you know, i have to deal with all that baggage. dina a palindrome? like december 21st? that affects your personality? i never knew! larry yeah, i've actually got a little chart larry's chart born on palindrome (3/23; 5/15; 12/21; etc) no effect born on straight (1/23; 3/21; etc) no effect born on flush (2/22; 10/10; 12/12; etc) no effect born on doubling (3/6; 9/18; 12/24; etc); no effect born on evens (4/28; 6/2; 10/12; etc); no effect born on odds (3/13; 7/9; 9/15; etc); no effect born on multipliers (4/22; 6/23; 7/17; etc); no effect born on factors (2/12; 5/15; etc); no effect born under a omg you were conceived during a waxing gibbous whale migration too?? soul mates optional coda later vicki was he being sarcastic dina interrupting i don't know if he was being sarcastic! 773773; cookies are ultimately taken hellacious star-fiend i am a being from beyond the stars. please deliver cookies to my uppermost orifice. greg ha ha, nice try, nathan. no silly costume is going to get you any cookies before dinner. hellacious star-fiend term 'nathan' does not cognizate. deliver cookies or be banished to the null dimension before i vomit from the stench of your filthy blood greg nathan! seriously! nathan yes? greg and the hellacious star-fiend look at each other. greg recoils in horror. devour if nathan had know it was that easy to get cookies out of dad, he would have tried being a hellacious star-fiend from dimensions beyond human understanding years ago. 774774; chocolate is lacked pavel out of frame how's the knitting coming? hulda taking a break. where's the candy dish? hulda ah, we're out of mr. goodbars. pavel have a krackel. hulda don't be gross. can you please make a mr. goodbar manifest itself out of thin air? please? for me? pavel we have chocolate. we have peanuts. just eat them together. hulda i wouldn't know the correct proportions! it wouldn't be the same! pavel so experiment! you'd figure it out soon enough! pavel you could take mr. goodbar to school. you could improve him. dare i say it? you could give the world dr. bestbar. hulda how can you turn even slacking off from a project into a project bootleg away i asked for magic and you gave me homework 775775; the information superhighway &c. violet i can't go with you to the thing. facebook just reminded me that saturday is haley's birthday party. britnee do you have a gift? violet nah, i'm just gonna get her an amazon gift card. britnee where's the party going to be? violet i'm not sure where her new place is. i'll just google map it. britnee what're you guys going to do there? violet i dunno, probably just hang out looking at funny pictures or reddit, or maybe watch something on netflix? britnee hmmh. whatever would you do if the internet were to disappear? violet well i guess we'd have to gather around campfire to sing the epic of gilgamesh is that what you want me to say go dark with go close to the eanna temple, the residence of ishtar, such as no later king or man equaled! go up the wall of uruk and walk around, examine its foundation, inspect its brickwork thoroughly. go 0.8 miles on broadview terrace, then bear slight right turn and turn onto california avenue, for your destination will be on the right. 776776; toothpaste is made mary are you still squeezing on that toothpaste tube? give up! it's empty! karl little-known fact toothpaste tubes do not contain toothpaste. they create toothpaste. karl when you squeeze the tube, you generate energy. this powers a chemical reaction that results in the formation of a semi-solid mass. which plops out the end. theoretically it's unlimited! but because of the half-life of the chemical catalysts, each reaction requires twice as much energy as the one before. karl so the first draw - when the tube seems "full" - requires 0.0001 units of squeezing force. the second, 0.0002 units, etc. it's easy at first, but that doubling gets serious after a while. eventually it takes trillions of units of force! quadrillions! karl most people give up when it gets too tough. but i've got a vise and a torque wrench. mary just get a new tube of toothpaste clamp down on if we can just get this crinkled mess into the large hadron collider we will never have to buy toothpaste again 777777; we are in their debt - did you know that a whopping 47 percent of members of congress are millionaires? - i should hope so! - but they may be overtly using their political power to enrich themselves! or at the very least you know they're gonna have a tough time being fair-minded when it comes to representing less-well-off constituents! - who would you rather take the alien overlords out to dinner? poor people? - those invisible death-ships are trigger-happy, man. i want those ambassadors wined and dined and bought whatever they want. / the rich can get rich and stay rich and get even richer so long as they stay a step ahead of the expensive tastes of the monsters who hold the planet's survival in their volatile claws! - you really believe that the super-rich are protecting the rest of us from intergalactic annihilation? - of course! / i mean the alternative is just too distressing. defend from where is gax in this scenario?? 778778; a tough day for martin #778; a tough day for martin fat lady in fur coat ...and i suppose you're late with the rent -again- this month? spineless marvin yes ma'am i'm sorry something came up marvin see i got this call from my mom - she needed money real bad on account of a -tooth issue- marvin by which i mean an issue of -tooth magazine- which is rare and increasingly hard to find on the secondary market marvin she stumbled upon a good-condition april '82 and, -well-, i'm her -boy-, she raised me with certain -values-, never to pass up an opportunity and so forth marvin (sweating) anyway i sent her my rent money for the month, but she promised that she would photocopy several pages of the periodical for you marvin both for you to see that it truly is a quality piece and also just for you to keep as far as general enjoyment is concerned later, after having read the magazine in question fat you tell your mother to get me page 64 so i can finish that article on tartar or so help me you'll be on the street marvin please, miz dunlap, you are yelling at the world's most broken man snatch up tooth magazine folded in '89 when advertisers withdrew their support following the publishing of a controversial illustration featuring c. everett koop driving a bulldozer through tianenmen square. the caption 'fluoride uber alles' the breakthrough two men singing outside, caroling thin jingle bells! fat jingle bells! both *jingle them halfway!* thin oh what fun-- thin what's wrong? fat man looks concerned fat listen, man. i've been thinking. i know this is crazy, but hear me out. fat what if we -- this is gonna sound stupid-- fat what if we jingled fat *all* the way? later fat man and thin man among many large bags labeled with a dollar sign fat wooooo oh what fun the future is written by the ones who follow the craziest ideas. a quarter is wasted bum, sitting you got a quarter? man with cane sorry man bum quarter? lady in hat sorry bum you got a quarter? mustashioed sure, here you go. <> in a burst of sound, a complicated device of gears, wheels, and several horns springs from the top of the bum's hat! mustashioed w-wow...! bum i regret to inform you that you have now suffered a lethal dose of radium unlock no refunds. the tyranny of quality man in top hat why so glum? woman reading in bed ruddagubbuk. none of those syllables were words. woman i- said- i -read- a good book woman it was amazing woman it had -pathos- and -humor- and surprising -depth- and it was even about -all- the topics that i -love- and that's glummifying because... woman i didn't write it read along with and now i can't use my idea about time-traveling cavemen who team up with a race of bird-humans to set up a sham wizard school in the american west in a plot to groom orphan boys to impersonate various missing and presumed dead heirs to massive fortunes around the world because somebody already did it better the winning catchphrase the candidate, a middle-aged man with a top hat and cane; behind him, several well-dressed ladies and gentlemen. candidate if i am elected, let me make one thing clear candidate it will be an administration of scandal. candidate i promise you, the media will have to work overtime to keep up with my illicit shenanigans. mistresses. bribery. indictments 24/7. candidate i will award lucrative contracts to every crony i can get on the phone. i will make lawyers from every regulatory agency work harder than they ever have in their lives. candidate bloggers will wear their fingers to the bone. magazines and newspapers will run extra editions. talk radio will get so apoplectic that cars will be driven off the road by the score. candidate i will require my own dedicated branch of the justice department just to classify my crimes. candidate they will probably even have to build a special prison to hold me. it will cost millions. candidate and so i promise you candidate i will create jobs! report on the candidates debate. there's a light that blinks yellow three times and then turns green. at the green, whoever yells ''jobs'' the loudest becomes president. belief is maintained evan mom and dad slipped up and revealed foreknowledge of certain presents that were ostensibly from "santa." hildegard so what kinds of?conclusions have you drawn from that? evan oh, i know the whole santa charade is a determined yet pointless falsehood, like johnny appleseed or larry the cable guy. but the looks on their faces when they thought they'd ruined it for me! the poor babies were crushed! i had to save their feelings! visual evan's horrified parents. evan narrating i said "does santa give you hints in advance of what he's going to bring? are his notes written in magic ink on north pole stationery that dissolves after a single read, leaving no evidence behind?" and then i added "oh, the magic of it all!" and batted my eyelashes until they smiled. they get to play the game another year. evan it's so sweet, you know? watching them sink back into confidence. letting them believe a little lie, just to feel a tiny bit more secure for a tiny bit longer. hildegard how long do you think you can keep it up? evan i'm hoping until i go to college believe in wondermar.com i'm incredibly curious to see how convoluted this santa mythos will get as they try to keep it plausible for ten more years. will he eventually be cloned? have sleeper cells across the world? be revealed to be an alien? who will tire of the ruse first?? the resolution loophole dr. monroe marcus! new year's resolutions! spit them out, lad! marcus yes sir marcus uh marcus um dr. monroe none of this dallying! how will you be bettering yourself in the coming year? out with it before my belt comes out with it! marcus well uh i suppose i could uh marcus t-talk better dr. monroe fine! and now for mine! i resolve to be more fair. dr. monroe if i fail, i will pass a moment in quiet reflection. if you fail, i will thrash your bones the like of which you have never felt! marcus th-that's not f-fair at all! dr. monroe well it is still december make the rules one simple way to rationalize any course of action just loudly state any fact in a condescending tone medicine is necessary beth how's it going? still feeling bad? yuri can i have more sudafed and benadryl and anything else you got yuri i do not understand how human beings functioned before the invention of pharmaceuticals. the pyramids! the great wall of china! railroads crossing continents! yuri normal human beings built all that stuff without so much as an aspirin. and sometimes beer instead of water! how did they manage? i get a head cold and i can't stand up for more than five minutes! beth you'd probably be more robust too if you got that much exercise. yuri enslaved by a cruel monarch! worked to death by thirty! but i bet their sinuses were clear as hell! take two okay, fine, i'll try chewing on coca leaves to see if it makes me feel better. but only for science a cat is lost handwritten sign on lamp post lost cat no pictures but yellow eyes ~1.0cm ea whiskers 10(r)-13(l) gray w/faint stripes at approx. 3cm intervals if it is the correct cat his total # of stripes (incl. tail) plus 4326011 is my phone #. reward. a man looks at the sign; then crouches next to a cat with a ruler cat now what look for if you find a cat that is not mine, and thus dial a number that is not mine, feel free to offer them that cat; it does not matter to me either way two men and a duck stand together. man 1 i am here to see the mayor man 2 gesturing to the duck this is he man 1 i have a complaint to register regarding municipal affairs mayor durp man 1 your disregard for public opinion is shocking man 2 i assure you the mayor is only in one of his moods mayor bloo bloo bloo how are you spending our tax money sir the strip consists of three photos of people hastily cut from a magazine and stapled to a sheet of paper. boxes, text, and speech bubbles are drawn in sloppily by hand a man receives a package. a monocle is drawn over his left eye, a top hat above his head. he is receiving a package from someone outside the scene. whats this a different photo of a much older person, again with a top hat and a monocle over the right eye (based on context it can be assumed that, in terms of the narrative, this is the same person.) a flying machine??? ??? another, much younger man, with a top hat and a monocle over his right eye, looks at a machine resembling a skateboard at the bottom of the panel. what fun o ho ho ho written below the strip by brian age 21 guest comic by brian, age 21 brian has distilled wondermark to its very essence. carly is seated at a table on which a tiny dog it sitting. she and chris, who is standing beside her, watch the dog. the dog is animated! dog arf! arf! arf! the dog does a backflip. this, too, is animated. the dog resumes barking. carly puts her hand over her eyes. carly all right. shut it off. i've seen enough. dog arf! arf! arf! chris you said you wanted a dog! carly that's not a dog! dog arf! arf! arf! make the call it keeps going forever a man looks, eyes bulging, at another man with a huge, round head. a boy with a duck's head and top hat also watches hey, uh... you feelin' alright? duck your head, bro! the huge-headed man's head grows even larger. you're lookin' a little... huge-headed hic it grows still larger. uh... duck it's real big! it continues to grow. only his mouth can be seen; the rest of the head is offscreen. huge-headed hic we are at a loss as to how to proceed an angry-looking man meets a distinguished-looking, mustachioed man. the mustachioed man gestures to his friend, a boy with a duck's head and top hat. mustachioed have you met my friend, tom? he's just written a fantastic new novel. i'm sure it will be very big. the man repudiates the duck's writing. you have to be kidding me. that thing can't write. the man and mustachioed man both look shocked. duck what?! you think i'm illiterate just because i'm a duck? how dare you! the mustachioed man tries to console the duck. the man returns to looking angry. mustachioed whoah, tom! i'm sure he didn't mean that. i thought you were illiterate because you're poor. no joke. and disgusting. and did i mention poor. algernon rides his bike up to a sausage stand. algernon hey, man! how much for a hot dog?? viktor four dolla' algernon rides away. algernon maaaaaaan! he pulls up at a pretzel cart. algernon hey, man! how much for a pretzel?? hy two fiddy. no sale. algernon maaaaaaan! algernon oh god... so hungry! i need something... anything! algernon tic-tac... stick o' gum... ice-cold soda... he sees a woman with a baby. algernon hey lady, how much for that baby?? one dolla' algernon aw-riiiiight! he rides away, having already taken a bite of the baby. get satisfaction 'ketchup, five dolla.' maaaaannnn a man stands before a tribunal. a decision has been made. another man approaches. the accused kneels and scissors are produced. the accused glares defiantly as his beard is sheared away. a small boy sees a silhouetted figure. he tugs on the figure's cloak. it's the accused man, now clean-shaven and wearing a sign around his neck. the sign bears one terrible word beardless. the terrified child bursts into tears. mommy! hold me in your beard, and comfort me. al my word! good sir, who was the fiend behind that chop-job you call your mustache?! gus the new barber on baker street! and it is no job of chop! just take a closer look! closeup of gus' mustache. up close we can see it spells out you're quite the tosser. gunshowcomic.com i happen to have his card right here! [unprintable gesture] an excited-looking man carrying a sack of money approaches a salesman with a large head, who is grinning smugly and gesturing to a creature. the creature is like a small boy, with the head of a duck, bill wide open, and a small top hat. you say you've cracked the secret to time travel? sales yes! just picture a point in time you'd like to visit in your head... the salesman looks at the duck and his head seems to grow larger. the man blanches. sales ...then french kiss this duck and poof! you transport to your destination! the man looks suspicious. the salesman's head grows even larger - it is now perhaps 1.5x taller than the man's. he looks very angry and his mouth grows into a huge, gaping frown - he could easily swallow the other man's head. ... sales what. what's the matter. the salesman's head is now extremely large, easily twice the width and height of the other man's head. he shouts after the man, who has left, spit flying from his mouth. the duck-creature is confused. sales where are you going. no joke. he is getting a running start bird-headed franzelbaum, have you met my son? bird-headed son aaaaaaa bird-headed son continues his noise throughout the comic franzelbaum he certainly takes after his father! bird-headed actually, he's adopted. bird-headed do you want him? i am willing to trade for any fresh produce you may have eli this economy! am i right? hastings yeah it's bad i guess. i mean, we're talking about the economy here. eli how can you be so calm? don't you just feel powerless? hastings nope! i got ideas! caption later... hastings has stabbed rich uncle pennybags (the monopoly guy) and snatched his wallet. eli is appalled. hastings hey! this money is ****ing canadian! take measures so colourful bartleby michaelangelo, why have you ceased your painting? michaelangelo (above and offpanel) no...no point, bartleby. bartleby are you drunk? michaelangelo yes. bartleby but you must complete this ceiling! michaelangelo i have seen the future. there is war, famine, and a heated planet. michaelangelo why create when the future holds such horrors? bartelby because without you it would be worse. bartleby and because--... what are you painting? michaelangelo a gateway, through which protrudes a cat! he observes your sin, bartleby. period-incorrect hats the things i have seen, bartleby! a man named goat see has rediscovered leonardo's 'tunnel of knowledge' festival trick! a banner at the top says "converting everything to coal power [how to do it terribly - expensively - and with great difficulty]" another banner states "wondermark's" "nominally-essential" "tinkerer's handbook" "the magazine for people who cannot leave well enough alone". a woman is shown operating some sort of water pump. a badge reads "take it apart" three pictures on the side state "cut it", "hit it", and "stuff it", depicting a screwdriver of some sort, a hammer hitting a nail, and two hands grasping a piece of wood. a newspaper-style block of text reads "let us meddle." a rallying cry for a generation. newspaper text such are the benefits afforded us all by the unending march of progress, that each new dawn finds many a person safe, fed, clothed and sheltered. a citizen of our modern era rarely finds him- or herself in a deadly battle for survival, as was common for the first generations of mankind. thus do our bodies, evolved for and hardened by constant struggle, often find themselves idle; and without some constant whetting, thus swiftly begins the degenerative process of death. newspaper text some people have rebelled against this notion, and constantly keep on the move, busying themselves with the creation of novel problems and competing to find overly-elaborate ways to solve them. this magazine is our attempt to cash in on that demographic. a banner at the bottom reads "over 2 projects inside" 'we have taken a gamble as to whether people will pay 8.95 to feel like they are the sort who would invent something, given the time, and it seems to be paying off.' a banner at the top reads something for all - except those without the means a banner lower down reads "should you coal-power your life?" many municipal power plants already use coal to generate electricity. some enterprising folks have had the clever idea to eliminate the middleman and consume coal directly, using it to power home appliances, vehicles, pets, plants - anything in need of energy. can this be done feasibly and safely? we have investigated, and the answer appears to be no. absolutely not. the notion is ridiculous. coal in the home. the family in question had attached turbine-boilers to every device in the home toasters, refrigerators, can-openers &c. what reports fail to mention is that the lady of the house works in a factory where the small boilers are manufactured. she acquires them at a steep discount. this is clearly out of range for the average family. coal-powered vehicles. it also turns out that the man of the house is an auto mechanic specializing in absurd "pimptastic" modifications! this is hardly repeatable. coal-powered pets. what are you talking (text block cuts off here) a block at the bottom reads ""--bottom line--", with some aspects of coal-powering your life outlined underneath the conversion. is impossible. don't even try it. energy savings. how would you even calculate that. carbon footprint. are you listening. coal is made of carbon. fiscal impact. it would cost literally millions of dollars. resale value. of what? the house? the cars? pets? no potential pitfalls. handling coal will give you finger cancer next issue ten ways to get soot out of pet fur-- because you had to go ahead and try it easy step-by-step instruction list -- utterly foolproof home-build a potato injector picture of potato injector - it's got a crank, a needle, some faded potatoes in the background, and a picture of it being injected into some guys arm start - time a weekend - difficulty moderate everyone has experienced trouble related to insufficient potato consumption. but how to make time for the labor involved in regular kitchen preparation? with the potato injector, the time for fretting is past. using surgical-grade tubing, the injector pipes pulped potato nectar into your body intravenously. (1) prepare your whittling tools. a good sharp chisel is of first importance in this work. add to your kit an oilstone and strop. place a few drops of oil on the stone and grind your blade upon its coarse side, then strop to remove the burr. (2) carve the necessary implements from a piece of dry cordwood (fig. 1). always try the wood before cutting into it, to ascerta way the grain runs. in clear basswood it is usually quite straight, but sometimes it runs at a slight angle. picture of a hand crank attached to a cylinder (3) assemble the parts (fig. 2) if you have carved them correctly they will go together in a very intuitive fashion. some have reported shock at not landing upon this design independently, so simple and clear is it to create and build. abstruse depiction of a hand putting some sort of ring on a cylinder thing with a flared end (4) peel all potatoes (fig. 3) before inserting into the injector. potato-skins will clog the needle. picture of someone peeling a potato (5) tie off arm above the elbow and tap to make the basilic vein bulge. daub with iodine and give the needle-crank three full turns. (6) once needle has seating, use foot pedal to advance nectar at a rate of one pint per minute. troubleshooting the injector becomes clogged after veinous insertion. solution pump foot-pedal vigorously. potato will resume flowing. the latest goods that you cannot exist without "take it apart" tinkerbox parts - tools shiny sundries designed to rapidly expend your working capital. best prices of the season/enclose cash with order fish graspers. expand the capability of any device with the addition of fish graspers. your stove, coffeepot, tire-jack &c. will do double duty with this tool securely installed. $1.00 the mangler. should your handicrafts call for fresh bone marrow, this bench-mounted device will extract it speedily. why pay more for store-bought? fresh is unmatched for flavor. $3.50 coin-purse gun. a weapon to keep handy at all times of day or night. fend off bothersome insects without danger of injury to others. provoke comforting touches before boarding aircraft. $2.00 moondial. the best tool yet invented to ensure marital harmony. gentlemen, hide this in the back yard and see on which days you should keep your fat mouth shut. $5.25 robot shaver. children and animals are not allowed in most robot competitions. hide your treachery with this shaver - removes hair and imparts a waxy, metallic sheen. $2.00 "wow" gadget. what does it do? we have not been able to determine, but it looks very impressive resting casually on a desk. appear learned to friends. $7.75 descriptions taken from press releases - nothing has been tested all outlandish claims are taken at face value because we need to fill pages with something a banner at the top reads "striving boldly into new arenas (and losing interest)" a large picture shows a box full of stuff, captioned "why let the detritus of previous failed projects clutter up your workspace and demoralize you? put it away for good." "build a junk box - for all your unifinished projects" the article reads "materials. this plan builds a 4" x 8" x 16" box. we advise using reclaimed materials whenever possible. one box (4" x 8" x 16" or larger); assorted junk." "directions. 1. if the box you have obtained is larger than the prescribed size, cut it down to size. we have done extensive testing and our size is unequivocally the best. if your box needs to be watertight (say, if some of your unfinished projects involve plumbing, rainwater reclamation, or crab-husbandry) be sure to seal the new seams you are creating with plumber's goop. also take care to cut straight so that your seams will join smoothly. really 80% of this project is getting the seams right. the rest is just putting stuff in a box." "2. once your box is cut to size and sealed (as necessary), place your old project materials in the box. create dividers if desired. we recommend putting the oldest projects nearest the bottom to create a sort of strata of failure. that way you will not be too discouraged when you open the box; you will only see the birdhouse you failed to finish last week, rather than the solar-powered water-heater you discovered was way over your head three and a half years ago.*" "*for example." another picture shows some sort of box, circular diagrams, illegible writing, and what looks like a gear inside a pizza. "3. our simple pattern for the box (left) includes hinged walls held in shape with cotter pins. this way, should you fail to complete construction of the box itself, you may simply remove the pins and place the loose pieces within the general shape of the half-formed box. this recursiveness cuts down on waste." next issue building a file box for the projects you clipped out of magazines but will never actually build a banner reads "a purposeful use of what society would discard" the headline reads "non-traditional gardening tools. rather than spending for specialized implements, use these household items" several numbered pictures are displayed. a headline lower down reads "tools guide." numbered paragraphs describe the referenced pictures. of a sailboat "1. model sailboat can be used to repel aphids from plants. aphids have a jungian aversion to open water, and the presence of the boat implies a nearby regatta." rope "2. ordinary parcel twine can be used to tie saplings to posts, rather than some kind of special gardening twine. it's not like you're going to use it for parcels. the only people who still tie parcels with twine are grandmothers, and that's only because the mail clerks feel bad yelling at them to knock it off." the hollow top half of a ball "3. instead of discarding the half-balls left over from a game of slice-the-ball-in-the-garden, use them to cap off leaky sprinklers or plug gopher holes. the rubber balls are biodegradable, given a long enough timeline." a contraption with black paper sticking out "4. x-ray viewers are great for spot-checking leaves for suspicious veining. good gardens need a lot of work and attention." a strange-looking lipstick "5. no need to get dolled up any longer, now that your obssessive (sic) gardening has killed romance? use that lipstick to mark crop rows in the vegetable garden. the oily stain will serve as a warning to the sprouting plants never to set their sights too high." the lid to the lipstick "6. the lid to the lipstick can catch tears, which, instead of wasted on him, can be put to use for irrigation!" a bulb "7. now that you're 'going green' and harvesting your earwax to make biodiesel, you won't need this ear-cleaning bulb anymore. plant it and see if it grows. it's not a dumber idea than staying in this marriage." a conveyor belt "8. he paid $200 for this five years ago and never even used it. throw it in the garden and see if he even notices it's gone." a whistle "9. blow this whisle in joy if he ever bothers to ask how the garden is coming. screw baseball season." a gardening tool is just any possession you don't mind irreparably soiling, charles a large page contains several advertisements. a banner at the top proclaims "you need all of it" "please be so kind as to agree" a chair is displayed, captioned "reading position." the wilson patent adjustable chair with ninety-six possible positions, you will never find the perfect one for you, and if you do, you will not be able to find it again. send for circular. wilson's, 34 park st. some bizarre device is displayed. business, pleasure; men, boys. all must earn their own way. children should learn quickly that the real world is made of labor. put them to work at once. no coddling. beware of infant freeloaders. a home and farm of your own. wouldn't that be nice, don't you think? now is the time to secure it. before it runs away with the spring. babas yaga for sale. houses with feet. you never seen anything like it. blow your mind. take the dream highway until you feel cold. can't miss it. a house is shown. builders, where is the bathroom in this house? i have been all over and cannot find it for the life of me. please write soon. a. j. bicknell, 27 warren street, new-york. a kind of poncho is shown. gossamer waterproof garments. get the genuine! beware of worthless imitations! rival garments are made of acid-treated poison cloth. ours are safe and nurturing to your babylike skin. don't you deserve not to have your skin corroded off by the competition? masochists need not respond. we don't want your business. this is a nice place. gossamer clothing co, 28 devonshire st., boston, ma. do you sleep on the most comfortable mattress in the world? of course you do not. the most comfortable mattress in the world is owned by an italian stockbroker. but we saw it in a magazine and modeled ours after what it is probably like. still most likely a step up for you. mattresses & meat a squareish design is shown, divided into parts, that say "carpet," "wood," "c8, ny," and "621 b'way." parquet and inlaid floors, borders for rugs, baseboards, decks, crown molding, doors, anything wood feeds our weird fetish. a picture is shown that says "dr. johnson's $30 health-lift." if you suffer from palsy, we will treat you. if you are afflicted with pox, we will address you. even if you are right now dying of tuberculosis, call us. will you be healed? almost certainly not. but we will talk with you so you're not lonely. (as we are.) a woman is shown wearing a corset. dr. warner's health corset, with skirt supporter and self-adjusting pads, is on sale now. only one available - this is dr. warner's actual personal item. it took a while but i finally gained her trust. her loss is your bargain! smells like doctor. 351 broadway, n.y. fine furniture, upholstery and decoration. we will describe nice things to you, so you can pretend to own them with a sense of authority. 621 broadway, new-york. the wonderful pen-holder! no ink required. no pen, either, really - you can put anything you want in here. it just sits on your desk. maybe a miniature american flag? that'd fit nicely. or, put a pen on in. that's fine. j. t. hillyer, 306 broadway, n.y. henry ward writes "it is all it claims to be. a pen-holder, it is; wonderful, i suppose as well. i mean, it's not like standards are terribly high for a pen-holder. the pen does not fall out regularly." vanity fair. for meerschaum and cigarettes. does not bite the tongue. listen, let's not beat around the bush. you want some primo cigarettes, right? but why - what's the big deal? is it just flavor? that's very subjective. no. you want to look cool. so shut up and grab one of our cigarettes. it's made of bomber-jacket leather. there is nothing cooler in the world. the best. bomber cigs - so good - so bad all these things are no less necessary for being wholly imaginary. ain't that always the way? wind us up and set us loose - aimed at the world a poster reads "a codified set of the builder's, crafter's makers rules." a list follows no need shall stand unaddressed. there is a way to make things better. no craft shall pass unappreciated. it is always worthwhile to pause and intake a thing of beauty. plus, it may spark a concordant idea of one's own. the effort itself is the reward. yes, i did spend three days on a device to save me ten minutes. you are missing the point of the process. a failure is simply an experiment. most efforts will fail. rarely should the same failure repeat itself. miscellaneous parts are life. i'm keeping that because i will need it someday. last time i threw something out, i needed it the very next day. problems are designed to be solved. spring into action. make it happen. hannibal was right i love it when a plan comes together. projects are stackable. it's not that i'm starting something new before finishing something old - i'm nesting the new project inside the old. if it has screws, they shall be turned. if it has bolts, they shall be loosened. if it has rivets, they may get along for a while without being pried open, but that probably won't last. if it is broken, it is fair game. maybe i can fix it. maybe i can use some of its parts for something else. maybe i just want clearance to be more rough than usual when opening up the case. the insides of things are beautiful. let's see what they look like. take it apart no honey it says 'take it apart' not 'put it back together afterwards' the unhelpful natives pardon me, can you direct me to the library? heh heh heh wotta prank listen, i'm getting tired of you calling the shots here! from now on, when you feel my itsy bitsy butt muscles clench atop the mound of your misshapen hump, that, my friend, is when you do not drop me