Rejected by McSweeney’s:
The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist
Bike for sale – $50 (bicycles):
10-speed bike for sale. It’s blue — sorry, I don’t know much about bikes. Great condition, never used. I got it as a gift but unfortunately have no legs.
Yellow sweater at Starbucks (missed connections):
You: Gorgeous brunette, trendy sunglasses, legs for days. Me: Orange ghost. Coffee?
Take over my lease! (rooms & shares):
Looking for college student or other to take over my spot in cozy 4-person unit. Roommates are only home intermittently throughout the day. Few amenities, but centrally located. Neighborhood is a real maze though.
life in the rat race (rants & raves):
work used to be fun back when i got to make kids smile…but my only clients nowadays are smelly maladjusted man-child nerds…i hate my co-workers…such jerks…never live with the same people you work with…you have no privacy…and the worst part is…i can’t even masturbate
i have no genitalia
Looking for Exciting Job (resumes / job wanted):
Current gig is getting repetitive so I’m looking for something new. Travel, new horizons a plus. Resume below.
Member of elite security team for pharmaceutical concern.
Duties include: Guarding pills, running around, light clerical.
Blender/smoothie maker (items wanted):
Used is fine. I gotta start doing something with all this damn fruit. It’s just going to waste.
sub seeking big asian dom (casual encounters):
looking for someone big and yellow to chase ME around for a while