The Three Sisters, or The Mirror of Credulity: A Play in Five Acts

Dramatis Personae

Miss Lydia Lovejoy, protagonist, eldest sister

Miss Charlotte Lovejoy, sickly protagonist, middle sister

Miss Phoebe Lovejoy -- protagonist, youngest sister

Colonel John Brandson, a townsman

Mrs. Hortence Brandson, a townswoman

Mr. Robert Goodman, son of a fur magnate

Mr. James Manly, son of a tea plantation owner

Mr. Stephen Armstrong, son of a bishop

Agatha, the Withy Woman

Phillip, the Turtle Aficionado

Jules, the Turtle

Doctor Wilhelm von Wanhope, an inventor

Ruin, an Embodiment of Vice, Wanhope's Manservant

Despair, an Embodiment of Vice, Wanhope's Manservant

Steamovak, the Mechanical Man

Old Peter, the Marsh Hermit

Parson Jameson, a minister

Latin Squares Gentleman, a man who does numerical puzzles

M. Pierre Frenchly, a European Traveler

Susan, Lady Marchthorpe

Thaddeus ,Viscount Marchthorpe

Meriwether Stumblebottom, the Jack-a-Dandy

Walt-Whitman-Headed Bat, a Fearsome Apparition

Quaint Oriental

ACT I, scene i

The stage is set to mimic the parlor of a middle-class family. A divan, a sopha, and several chairs are carefully laid out so as to create a pleasant impression upon the viewer. As the curtain rises, both CHARLOTTE LOVEJOY and PHOEBE LOVEJOY are seated upon the divan, both seem distressed.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, my sister. To think that such a fate awaits us.

PHOEBE: Yes, to lose both our parents in a horrible accident. O!

CHARLOTTE: The circus shall never again hold any amount of joy or pleasure for me. I shall forever consider the sight of a bear wearing an ill-fitting hat to be among the most sad in the world.

PHEOBE: As will I. For both of our parents to have died in such a manner is beyond me -- I cannot bear to think of it. Alas, I have said the word bear, and now find myself further agitated.

LYDIA (enter STAGE LEFT): Sisters! I have just received a letter.

CHARLOTTE: From whom, dear sister? Some card of condolence? Some kind word or thought to cheer our sad and lonely hearts?

LYDIA: If only, dear sisters, if only. (she sits upon the divan with her sisters, and holds a letter out to CHARLOTTE) I cannot bear to look at this any longer. Read it to Lydia, if I were to read it a second time the river of tears which would trickle down my face would surpass all the rivers of the world.

CHARLOTTE: The creditors! Our father, before his untimely death, amassed a great deal of debt, and we are now requested to pay it in full! Such an amount! Ten thousand! However could we hope to attain such a fortune, for we are but three single women, bereft of our beloved parents, unable to fend for ourselves in this world!

PHOEBE: O! We shall be forced to sell this, our ancestral home, to pay the debtors, and then, O, we shall be forced to all become charwomen to eke out our daily bread! Ruin! (PHOEBE weeps into her hands)

LYDIA: Oh, if that were the only grief I came to bear! A second letter arrived with the first! The contents of this second letter are perhaps even more disheartening than the first!

PHOEBE: I have been disheartened so much, how could I possibly be disheartened more?

LYDIA: It is a letter from Charlotte's doctor! Her condition is worsening!

CHARLOTTE: (coughs uncontrollably)

LYDIA: See, already it worsens. Unless she is to receive the best of medical treatments, she shall soon join our dear parents in heaven.

PHOEBE: O! My beloved Charlotte! I cannot bear, ALAS, I have said bear again. (more weeping)

LYDIA: It is decided, then. I can see no other option left to us but one. Marriage.

CHARLOTTE: But how? We are three women, though lovely in form, totally bereft of dowry -- in fact we are burdened with the opposite of dowry, we are anti-dowered. Who would join to us in Bands of Conjugal Affection?

LYDIA: As it just so happens, three young men of good fortune have moved into town just yesterday -- I was informed about it by Agatha, the withy-woman, just this morning, as she was peddling her brooms.

PHOEBE: You know, it is very curious. Though they both live in the great fen, you never see either Agatha, the withy-woman, or Old Peter, the hermit, together in the same place, at the same time. But, no matter about that now, do tell us about these gentlemen whom we might place our hopes at wedding.

[The next 67 pages are missing]

[...] turtle tax this year?

PHILLIP: Yes, of course! I am prompt and timely in such manners, unlike my good friend Jules.

JULES: (looks displeased)

AGATHA: Yes, I suppose being a turtle one has trouble arranging monetary matters.

PHILLIP: But what do you, the Withy Woman, care for the turtle tax? It was my knowledge that you gleaned your sustenance from the moors and fens, your only coin coming in from the occasional broom, or magical philter sold.

AGATHA: Well, as I was saying just the other day to Old Peter, also an inhabitant of the marsh where I live, the other day. . .

PHILLIP: I have always found it odd that, though the two of you inhabit the same place, appear to be about the same age, and even wear very similar clothing, that you are never seen in the same place as Old Peter, the Marsh Hermit.

AGATHA: Yes, it is very perplexing.

JULES: (stares off to STAGE LEFT)

PHILLIP: Jules! What is it!

AGATHA: Alas! Doctor Wilhelm von Wanhope, and his devious manservants Ruin and Despair! I flee, for his abominable science undoes all of my elderly woman charms! (exit, STAGE RIGHT)

[the next two pages are missing]

PHILLIP: Jules! O' Jules! To sacrifice yourself so! For my sake! I had no idea, even though I am a Turtle Aficionado, that a turtle could do such a thing!

WANHOPE: Neither have I! That was surely the most amazing thing I have ever seen a turtle do.

PHILLIP: O, my only friend, whom I have paid taxes for! You are lost to me forever, lost, lost!

WANHOPE: But now, I shall overtake you! Your turtle is lost to you, and you are afforded no more protections! Steamovak, now is your chance! Quickly, my creation, slay him where he stands!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

PHILLIP: I am lost, O!

WANHOPE: Your fate is sealed, surely nothing can save you now!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

PHILLIP: O! RUIN!

WANHOPE: No person shall arrive to save you! All hope is lost to you now!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

OLD PETER: (enter STAGE RIGHT) I have arrived to save you! All hope is not yet lost!

WANHOPE: No!

PHILLIP: Yes!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

OLD PETER: Though my counterpart, Agatha the Withy Woman, inhabits the same marsh as I, our spheres of folksy knowledge are entirely separate! While her poultices, potions and philters would be entirely ineffectual against your cold machine man of science, I suffer no such hindrance.

WANHOPE: Curse you and your Marsh-inhabiting ways! A pox on you! I defy your assertions! Steamovak, continue with your assault!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

OLD PETER: In my youth, before becoming a hermit, I graced the world of science! Yes, perhaps you have heard of my prowess spoken in whispers and legend. For I am the inventor of the piston!

WANHOPE: No! The one man in the world who wholly understands this great mystery of science! The one man who can enable and disable all pistonry with but a glance! It is impossible! I reject it! Fie! Fie!

OLD PETER: Nay! It is truth I speak! Behold, all your work is brought to nothing!

STEAMOVAK: (rumblings, a great explosion of steam)

WANHOPE: I swear! I shall seek out my revenge! Do not think that you or the Lovejoy sisters can hold out against me forever! I shall repossess their estate and deprive them of all love or joy! Attend to my departure, my manservants! (exit, accompanied by RUIN and DESPAIR)

(curtain)

Act III, scene iv.

The chambers of the Lovejoy sisters. LYDIA, CHARLOTTE, and PHOEBE are within.

LYDIA: Our last attempt at gaining the attentions of the three young men were, I believe, a complete success. I shall see the three of us wed by the end of the week.

CHARLOTTE: This is wonderful sister. I am much relieved.

PHOEBE: O, we are so lucky, nothing could possibly go wrong for us!

CHARLOTTE: ALAS! (she faints upon the sopha)

PHOEBE: O, we are ruined! Everything possible has gone wrong for us!

LYDIA: Her condition! Quickly, Phoebe, fetch the restoratives! I myself shall flee for the doctor!

PHOEBE: We shall all perish! O! (exit STAGE RIGHT)

LYDIA: I pray that I may be in time. (exit STAGE LEFT)

(a few moments pass)

LATIN-SQUARES GENTLEMAN: (enter STAGE LEFT) Hello? Is any-one at home? I was looking for a spare book of Latin Squares, I have finished all of mine. Aha, I notice a door against this wall. Perhaps it leads to some chamber filled with books devoted to Latin Squares. I shall enter it to peruse the numerical tomes. (he enters THE CLOSET)

(a few moments pass)

M. PIERRE FRENCHLY: (enters STAGE LEFT) Bonjour? Is there any-one at home? I have just come from THE CONTINENT, after several months of travels amongst my native land, I have returned, to share with you all of my CONTINENTAL WISDOMS. I come to understand that this is a home comprised of three unwed women, and if there is anything which a man from THE CONTINENT is interested, it is in unwed women who are likely to be easily SEDUCED by my CONTINENTAL WAYS.

(a pause in the speech, for the boos and hisses of the audience to finish)

M. FRENCHLY: I continue! But, what is this that I notice here on this sopha, almost hidden from view, but a woman! One of the virtuous women of this fine country, no doubt, ready for me to SEDUCE her. And yet, alas, she lies prone upon the divan, senseless to me. What good is SEDUCING her with my SEDUCTIONS unless she is conscious to them? The best I can hope for is to pen her a love letter and, once she revives has read it and instantly fallen in love with me, which as everyone is aware is the only outcome of young women reading love letters from a man she does not know, I can then return at some later date to finish my SEDUCTION. Perhaps there is a desk with papers and pens in that CLOSET across the way. I shall enter it to see. (he enters THE CLOSET)

(a few moments pass, then great thundering and wailings as if from a great distance)

RUIN: (enters STAGE LEFT) I am Ruin!

DESPAIR: (enters STAGE LEFT) And I am Despair! Is there any-one at home?

RUIN: It would appear that there is no-one here, brother Despair.

DESPAIR: Yes, brother Ruin.

RUIN: It seems that Fortune has favored them, brother Despair, for if they were here in their chambers when we appeared, they surely would have been reduced to tears and such woe as has never been felt before in this, or any other world.

DESPAIR: Then while we have a spare moment, brother Ruin, I have a secret which I must divulge to you. It seems that there is one person in this locality who is, in fact, two.

RUIN: Brother Despair, you mean to tell me there is some-one who is masquerading around, pretending to be another?

DESPAIR: Yes, brother Despair, that is exactly what it is. Come and I shall whisper into your ear the names of the persons.

RUIN: (leans into DESPAIR)

DESPAIR: (whispers into RUIN's ear)

RUIN: To think, brother Despair, that they are one and the same!

DESPAIR: Yes, brother Ruin. But, come quickly, we have more foul deeds to attend to. We shall call upon these sisters anon!

RUIN and DESPAIR: (exit STAGE LEFT, amidst great thunderings and the sound of wailing, as if from a great distance)

(a few moments pass)

M. FRENCHLY: (appears from the closet) Oh-ho-ho! Little do they know that I was listening in to their entire conversation from that closet, and I even heard the whispered words which they exchanged between one another! Some sort of CONTINENTAL MISCHIEF is sure to come out of this. I shall contact my very good friend, Meriwether Stumblebottom, the jack-a-dandy, about this post haste. Adieu, empty chambers! (exit STAGE LEFT)

(a few moments pass)

CHARLOTTE: (arises from the sopha) Unbeknownst to him, I awoke several minutes ago, but remained still and hidden, here upon the sopha, and so overheard both M. Frenchly and those two horrid servants of Doctor Willhelm von Wanhope. Little does M. Frenchly know that I know that he knows the secret double-identity revealed by Ruin and Despair. I must inform my sisters about this, perhaps Lydia or Phoebe can be found in other parts of the house, searching futilely for the restorative salts, which I have taken and placed upon my person. I shall search for either of my beloved sisters immediately, and without waiting. (exit STAGE RIGHT)

(a few moments pass)

LATIN SQUARES GENTLEMAN: This entire place is most disagreeable -- people running in and out of rooms without even bothering to greet one, and not a single book on Latin Squares to be had. I shan't bother myself with this establishment any further. (exit STAGE LEFT)

(curtain)

Act III, scene v.

The town square. ROBERT, JAMES, and STEPHEN are in attendance.

ROBERT: It seems as if the Very Hand of Fate has been upon us, for at every turn we find ourselves meeting the Lovejoy sisters.

STEPHEN: Is is God himself who wills this. I believe we are meant to marry them.

JAMES: Yes, it is my intent, as well, to wed one or another of them.

ROBERT: It shall be a triple-wedding!

STEPHEN: Yes, what a wonderful thing that would be. My father, who is a bishop, could perform the ceremony.

JAMES: And my father, who is a tea plantation owner, could provide the stimulating beverages.

ROBERT: And my father will provide the finest furs to turn into wedding attire!

MRS. BRANDSON: (enters STAGE LEFT) RUIN! WOE! The end has come upon us! O, there is to be no hope left in the world! I find myself unable to speak of the terrible terror which I have seen and yet I find myself wholly unable to not inform you all about it! I have seen the most unbelievable thing in the entire world, and once I speak of it to you, I shall never be able to speak of it ever again! O!

JAMES: Speak, townswoman! Tell us what you saw!

MRS. BRANDSON: While picking gooseberries, I came across the most terrifying sight my eyes have ever seen! I shall now relate to you what it is that I have seen!

PHILLIP: (enter STAGE RIGHT) Alas poor Jules! Dead before his time! I shall mourn you for the rest of my days.

ROBERT: Be quiet, man! This woman is about to relate to us something vitally important that we must hear, I am certain of it!

PHILLIP: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just mourning the loss of my turtle, Jules. He was such a very good turtle you see, and every Sunday we would [...]

[the next 84 pages are missing]

[...] to unmask the person who is, indeed, two persons!

THE ASSEMBLAGE: Gracious me! How curious! Oh my! Goodness! Whoever could it be! &Etc.

AGATHA: You know, I'm not terribly curious myself.

JAMES: Yes, I have discovered who this mysterious personage who is actually two persons is.

CHARLOTTE: As have I!

M. FRENCHLY: Using devious CONTINENTAL MEANS I have also discovered this hidden fact.

PHILLIP: I, too, am aware of this, for it was whispered to me by Jules but moments before his untimely demise.

JAMES: I shall now inform to you that, in fact, Dr. Willhelm von Wanhope is, in reality, his manservant Ruin.

PHILLIP: But, I saw both of them when my only and dearest turtle friend Jules died.

LYDIA: And I saw both of them in the town square after the pumpkin-eating contest.

MRS. BRANDSON: And I saw them both during the radish incident which I explained to you in Act III.

ROBERT: Oh.

AGATHA: Perhaps it is no-one then!

M. FRENCHLY: Unbeknownst to all, I hid myself in the closet of the Lovejoy sisters during one of my fits of CONTINENTALNESS. And, while there, I overheard both Ruin and Despair discussing the real identity of the person who is really two! I, and I alone, know this fact!

THE ASSEMBLAGE: (collective gasp)

CHARLOTTE: Unbeknownst to you, I had hidden myself upon the sopha, though you thought me senseless, instead I was in perfect control of my faculties! I witnessed both your ingress and egress from our living chambers and our closet, and I also overheard this news as well!

THE ASSEMBLAGE: (collective gasp)

M. FRENCHLY: Alas! My CONTINENTAL methods have proven to be bested by the simple doings of a YOUNG GIRL OF THIS FINE COUNTRY.

(pause for the applause of the audience)

CHARLOTTE: It was revealed to me that the person leading a doubled life is, in actuality, Parson Jameson! He masquerades around as Colonel Brandson!

COLONEL BRANDSON: But I'm right here.

PARSON JAMESON: As am I.

CHARLOTTE: Oh.

ROBERT: Then who is this mysterious doubled person?

AGATHA: Most likely it is nothing!

(thunderings, a sound of wailings as if from a great distance, etc. RUIN, DESPAIR, and DR. WILHELM VON WANHOPE enter, STAGE RIGHT)

RUIN: You see, I and brother Despair concocted a plan to draw you all together in one place!

DESPAIR: Brother Ruin and I knew that, should you be informed that one among you was running about as two, that eventually a meeting would be called amongst the populace, and while you were having this meeting, we would strike!

WANHOPE: Behold! The newly renovated STEAMOVAK! The plot yet thickens again! Who could have possibly foreseen this turn of events? None! It is impossible that such a climax could have been guessed by any.

STEAMOVAK: (shambles from stage right)

THE ASSEMBLAGE: "Woe!" "This is our undoing!" "We shall be undone!" "Alas and alack!" "We are finished!" &etc.

RUIN: And to taunt you as you all are slain, we shall relate to you the name of the real persons leading endoubled lives!

AGATHA: Alas, you shall never relate it before we all perish, O!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

LYDIA, CHARLOTTE, PHOEBE: (faint, are caught by ROBERT, JAMES & STEPHEN)

DESPAIR: Nay! We shall relate it to you immediately! If not sooner!

AGATHA: Look! A cloud covers the face of the moon and plunges us all, momentarily, into darkness!

(the stage lights go off, a momentous struggle is heard, and when the lights come back on both RUIN and DESPAIR lie on the ground, with brooms sticking out of their backs)

MRS. BRANDSON: Why, they've had brooms driven through their backs, made of withies, exactly like those which Agatha, the Withy Woman, sells!

AGATHA: What a strange coincidence!

WANHOPE: My manservants! What have you done! Steamovak! Destroy her with your pistonry!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

A VOICE: Halt!

JAMES: Who is that speaking? Where did it come from? It sounds exactly like Old Peter, but he, as you can clearly see, is not here. All I can see in the direction that it came from is Agatha, the Withy Woman!

A VOICE: No, I am not Agatha the withy woman!

STEPHEN: Are you certain, because really there's no-one there but Agatha, the withy woman, except this is clearly the voice of Old Peter, the Marsh Hermit.

A VOICE: I'm very certainly not Agatha, the Withy Woman.

ROBERT: Well, if you say so.

WANHOPE: What manner of confusion is this? Steamovak, halt that mysterious voice!

STEAMOVAK: (shambles)

PHILLIP: I know who it is! It is the one revealed to me by Jules! Behold, above you, cast your eyes upon the real, true form of Old Peter!

THE ASSEMBLAGE: (looks upwards, gasps of terror and shrieks, etc)

LYDIA, CHARLOTTE, PHOEBE: (revive, look upwards, shriek, and faint again into the waiting arms of ROBERT, JAMES & STEPHEN)

(descending from above the stage is THE WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT, last seen briefly in Act IV by Lady Marchthorpe and Meriwether Stumblebottom)

THE WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: It is I, the Walt-Whitman-Headed-Bat, last seen briefly in ACT IV by Lady Marchthorpe and Meriwether Stumblebottom!

MERIWETHER: (faints foppishly)

THE WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: It was I who destroyed the manservants of Dr. Wilhelm von Wanhope, using the only things that could destroy such embodiments of vice -- yes, by using humble implements meant for simple, honest work, such as is exemplified by OUR FAIR COUNTRYWOMEN.

(pause for the applause of the audience)

PHILLIP: You see, the Walt-Whitman-Headed-Bat and Old Peter, the Marsh Hermit, are one and the same! This is how he knows so much about vice!

AGATHA: To think that Old Peter, the man who lives in the same marsh as I, is also the Walt-Whitman-Headed-Bat is unthinkable! I cannot conceive of this, it is inconceivable!

THE WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: And yet I am not the only personage here who has two identities! Behold, I shew you a terrible glimpse of my powers! Steamovak! Doctor Wilhelm von Wanhope! Reveal your real, true forms!

(there is a great rumbling sound, a smoak obscures the stage, and the stage lights go out for a time. There are further shrieks and cries of terror from the assemblage, and the voice of WANHOPE cries out in terror louder than all others)

THE WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: Behold!

(the sounds quit, and the lights return to the stage. STEAMOVAK now wears a bear's skin, and a hat several sizes too small for it to be strictly fashionable. WANHOPE is wearing the sorts of clothing typically worn by ringmasters and other persons of low-breeding)

LYDIA, CHARLOTTE, PHOEBE: (revive, and look at STEAMOVAK and WANHOPE. They shriek.)

LYDIA: The bear in an ill-fitting hat!

CHARLOTTE: Which we alluded to at the beginning of this story!

PHOEBE: The one which killed our parents! O, we shall all be undone! (sobs)

ROBERT: Why, Wanhope must have cleverly disguised his mechanical man as a bear!

JAMES: So that he could then wrest your ancestral home from you afterwards!

STEPHEN: It was a sham the entire time!

LATIN SQUARES GENTLEMAN: This whole thing is seriously disturbing my late-evening Latin Squares time! Cannot someone do something about this so I may get back to my Latin Squares in peace?

WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: Why, I live but to serve those around me, to make easy the lives of those who are plagued and troubled by misfortunes! But ask and it shall be done for you!

LYDIA: Cast them away into a place from which they shall no longer bother us, I beg of you!

CHARLOTTE: And also heal my condition!

PHOEBE: And restore to us our parents!

PHILLIP: And Jules!

LATIN SQUARES GENTLEMAN: And a new book of Latin Squares, a really big one!

WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: First! I shall cast Wanhope and his horrid contrivance into perdition and darkness forever, until the end of all time!

WANHOPE: Alas! Who could have forseen such a turn of events for me! This is truly the most unexpected thing which could have ever happened -- only the most brilliant of creative minds could have conceived of it, O! What a terrible end for myself, but a thrilling one for those others of you who witness it, O!

(a great smoak, more rumblings, and the stage lights go out for a few moments. When the lights return, only the ill-fitting hat remains, to remind us of Wanhope and Steamovak)

WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: And now onto the second part! You see, dear ones, your sister was never ill at all. The only thing she suffered from was an acute case of girlishness, which resulted in the faintings. And the only way to cure girlishness?

LYDIA, CHARLOTTE, PHOEBE: A wedding!

ROBERT: We shall have a triple-wedding as soon as this scene is played out!

JAMES: What a delightful note to end this thrilling chapter on!

STEPHEN: I cannot wait!

WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: As to the supposed deaths! A great fiction has played out here, for no-one has died! Behold, both Viscount and Lady Marchthorpe! They are, in reality, your parents, who have been altered slightly by the damaging sciences of Wanhope! But, with the careful application of love and gentle affection given by OUR NOBLE COUNTRYFOLK, they shall surely return to their normal selves once the harmful scientific processes have faded away.

AGATHA: I have always abjured sciences, knowing it was too dangerous for the common people, and women in particular.

WALT-WHITMAN-HEADED-BAT: Yes, you've all seen the dangers of science to-day. Scientific matters should be left only to those equipped to deal with them, to persons such as myself.

[the next 14 pages are missing]

PHILLIP: Oh Jules, I still can scarcely believe the story of how you escaped certain death, but since it has been related to me, I cannot help but accept it. I am so glad that I got to share this beautiful moment, with you, at this most beautiful of triple weddings ever beheld by man.

JULES: (whispers in PHILLIP'S ear)

PHILLIP: Oh Jules, I agree, I agree. No ending could be more appropriate and touching than this one. I shall give it give it my full support, and I hope that you, too, will CHEER THEM AS THEY COME DOWN THE AISLE, ALONG WITH ME.

THE END

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